Comments on their own lines preceded by ">".
Some minor tense and grammar errors, but you used a spell checker,
and I thank you heartily.
Final comments at the bottom.
PROLOGUE
She had been the Guardian of Time for over nine centuries
before the madness claimed her. She had fought it like the others
had, with everything she had and more. But in the end, like all
her predecessors, she snapped.
The visions came to her like an avalanche, crashing into
her mind; an unstoppable torrent of information flooding her
consciousness. So many probabilities. So many possibilities. So
many destinies.
"crashing into her mind, an unstoppable torrent of information
flooding her consciousness."
The last bit is not a complete sentence, since it doesn't have
a verb.
What could have been flickered through her mind, flickering
Suggest "Things that could have been..." since I was left
wondering "What could have been [shadows/insert term here]
flickered"
across her vision, images fluttering like the pages of a book. It
could have been the madness but she could swear that she heard
cars being shuffled beside her ear as the scenes ran through her
"cars" -> "cards" (to keep with the metaphor you use later)
mind. The sound echoed in her head as she gripped the Time Staff,
symbol of her blessing and bane. With it, came the laughter, that
replace comma with em-dash after Time Staff.
mad cackling she would hear whenever the Madness attacked, but
this time it was as loud as a thunderstorm. The voices swirled
"With it came the laughter, the mad cackling she heard ..."
around her once again, as they always do when that cacophony of
"do" -> "did"
insanity came calling, and she could hear her. HER. Her nameless
tormentor saying the words in a flurry.
Youllneverhavehimnernevernevermineminehesallmine.
^^^ ?
She was prostrate on the misty ground that surrounded the
Gate of Time. Milky white wisps of it swirled around her bent
What is "it"? I think you mean "the mist" as opposed to "the
ground", "the voices", or "the visions", and you are better off
stating it explicitly given that this is a slightly surreal
passage.
knees. She was panting hard and the visions continued to stampede
into her mind to the tune of the shuffling of cards.
"shuffling cards"
[snip]
Empires crumbling. Kingdoms starting. Dynasties
established. Monarchies toppled. Governments ousted. everything
"Everything" (capitalization, hereafter indicated as "caps")
changing. Always shifting. Like a deck of cards being shuffled,
rifled, cut and stacked.
Youllneverhavehimnernevernevermineminehesallmine.
You cut and pasted, same question as last time.
[snip]
People living, people dying. A multitude of newborns
screaming their first cry, drawing their first breath of air,
starting their lives. Children walking a thousand forked paths,
choices made by themselves and forced upon them by the vagaries
"... made themselves or forced upon them..."
of fate, leading them to their destinies. Dying alone, living a
life of pain. Gaining riches, living in luxury. An infinity of
warlords in the making alongside healers, despots, preachers,
murderers and messiahs.
The last sentence is a good opportunity for a little bit of
alliteration. Suggest: "warlords and wanderers, preachers and
pariahs, murderers and messiahs."
Youllneverhavehimnernevernevermineminehesallmine.
You cut and pasted, same question as last time.
An endless row of dying faces, sounding their dry, choked
death rattle, feeling the wisps of life's breath pass through
"rattle" -> "rattles"
their lips. Old men dying in their sleep, happiness etched on
their dry, wrinkled faces. Young men dying in a forgotten charge
in a forgotten war. Or was that a war to come and a charge that
will be ? Their limbs being torn apart by unseen forces, running
^ extra space, done lots of places.
towards their enemy, agony on their faces as they went down
either by steel or sorcery.
Life and death, a million born as a million die, seeing all
the infinite paths that was the chaos of Probability. An eternity
Suggest: "Possibility" instead of "Probability" because I've
had some math and probability has a very specific meaning to me.
of lives passing through her mind in one endless second, another
"eternity" -> "infinity"
waiting to take its turn and then the next one.
The mists swirled around her, her power pushing them away.
Power crackled up and down the ivory white staff, the orb that
topped it glowing with an unnatural light. Though she was
kneeling, the staff was upright and straight as a pole in front
of her. Her head was bowed before it, locks of her hair concealed
"," -> ";" (or make it a new sentence)
her eyes. Eyes that were seeing nothing and yet everything at
Suggest you drop the "yet".
once.
[snip]
She saw worlds, young and old. Molten lava flowed over the
surface of a fledgling sphere while icy winds blasted across the
lifeless husk of another. Red. White. Blue. Yellow, Black. Green;
a kaleidoscope of colors, a symphony of planets danced by her,
around her. The spark of life fanned by nature and fate, the
"Yellow. Black. Green. A kaleidoscope of colors, a symphony of
planets, danced by her, around her."
flame extinguished by the harsh winds of chance and destiny.
Her power reached its apex as the purple-pink glow of
energy erupted around her. Crackling arcs of energy danced all
over her prostrate form, up and down the staff's length and the
space around her. The mists were caught up in the power as they
whirled creating a milky-white tornado around her, with the woman
at its eye. The orb's carnelian glow strengthened as power came
"tornado around her" and "the woman at its eye" are redundant,
if you want to preserve something of both, I suggest: "tornado
with the woman at the eye."
into focus and readied itself to break....
Unmake...
Tear...
Destroy...
The effect works better when you have an extra newline between
paragraphs.
From the violently swirling mists around the Guardian of
time, the glint of a sharpened blade twinkled before a sword fell
"time" -> "Time"; suggest: "a sharpened blade glinted before the
sword fell..."
through the misty barrier, guided by a black-gloved hand.
BTW, later you imply a difference between "Guardian" and "Senshi".
[snip]
The pain came moments later, after the staff had clattered,
powerless, to the ground. The gloved hand still held it,
I would suggest dropping the commas around powerless, for some
reason it reads strangely.
"hand" -> "hands" ?
seemingly bound to the Time Staff by an invisible force. The
winds dissipated and the mists calmed as the power went away and
all was silent in this place outside of Time.
[snip]
"You know... I loved you.", she weakly gasped out as she
Double punctuation; move the comma inside the quotes and remove
the period.
forced herself to stand with difficulty. Without her hands it was
a hard task, but she managed. She could see the black silhouette
of her executioner before her. She swayed, feeling the loss of
blood and the shock of losing her hands. The Madness was raging
at the gates of her consciousness. She held it back. Damn if she
"Damn" -> "Damned" ?
was going to die crazy. She would pass out of this existence as
she came into it, sane as the day she was born. Sane as the day
she first held the staff and the power sang in her blood. She
smiled weakly. Is this what all her predecessors thought when
faced by the figure before her ?
[snip]
"Thank you.", she croaked out, closing her eyes. She
Double punctuation; see above.
dropped to her knees, her injuries and the shock catching up to
her.
"Not yet.", responded a cold voice from the mists, as the
Double punctuation; see above.
blade left her neck.
It moved silently and quickly like the autumn wind that
blew through the forests, that took dead leaves from the gnarly
branches and sent them flying. The only sound that came in it's
"it's" -> "its"
passing was the thud of a body as it hit the ground.
[snip]
Moments later, a great wind blew out from the Gates of
time. It pushed the mists out, out, out, leaving a path as it
"time" -> "Time"
whistled its way outward into the Lands of Time.
Chapter 1
[the vorpal blade went snickety-snick]
Too Jordanesque. It's probably just me and my current mood, but
it didn't work for me.
Garnet shuddered as she felt the wind's cold touch caress
With a name like Garnet, I know exactly what's going to happen to
her, especially after prologue.
her bare skin. She rubbed her hands together and rubbed her arms,
taking great care not to disturb the load on her back. Dressed in
simple woodsman clothes, she looked around her. She sighed in
"woodsman" -> "woodsman's"
relief as she saw a lightning blasted stump of a tree nearby. The
load of firewood on her back was getting heavier as time passed
and she was glad that she was getting close to home. Besides, the
sun was setting and though the twin moons, Castor and Pollux,
gave enough light for travelling at night, she would rather be
home with her grandparents. There were enough stories of haunted
Greenwood that most people avoided travelling it by night. Even
Tenchi, one of the bravest persons Garnet knew, hesitated going
"persons" -> "people"
into the Greenwood at night, even when she dared him.
Hitching up her shoulders, Garnet made sure the firewood
was secure and made sure her braid was alright. It wouldn't do
good to have her luxurious green hair damaged a few days before
drop "good"
the town festival. Several of the young women of the village
"town" -> "village"
envied her hair and it was Garnet's pride and joy to wear it
loose when she went with her grandfather to the village every
seventh day for supplies. Most importantly, of course, is that
"is" -> "was"
Tenchi liked it. He'd praised the way she cared for it and how
she kept it as beautiful as it was. Garnet smiled a little as she
thought how much trouble she took to get his attention. Tenchi
was the son of the best carpenter in town. Nobuyuki Masaki had a
good eye and skilful hands. He was always was called upon to
either fix a house or to make additions. Tenchi's grandfather was
the local priest of the Temple of Fire up near the foot of the
mountain. Though quite far apart the Gabrievs and the Masakis
"Though quite far apart, the..."
were the closest of neighbors, excepting for old Uncle Stivan in
drop the "for", and replace commas with em-dashes around Uncle
Stivan's phrase.
his shack, and had quite a cordial relationship, even though the
Masakis were of the blood of Jurai. Garnet and Tenchi were the
best of friends growing up, and now that Garnet had just passed
her sixteenth summer, she decided that she wanted to be more than
just friends. Garnet grinned a little at how thick Tenchi could
be, but most men were like that, her grandmother told her,
pointing out her grandfather as an example.
She sighed again, as she felt the weight of her load as she
started up another hill. A few more hills and she would be at the
too many "as"s in the first sentence
Gabriev homestead. Her family was quite well-off by local
standard and no one would just call the Gabriev residence a
"standard" -> "standards"; "would call the Gabriev residence
just a homestead"
homestead. More like a combination doctor's clinic, school,
sherrif's office and sheep ranch. Strange, but the Gabriev family
"sherrif" -> "sheriff"
was always strange. For Garnet, it was more like boringly normal.
drop the "more like".
Yes, her Granny Lina taught her a little sorcery. Yes, her
Given how you refer to Lina later on, you should probably replace
"Granny" with "Granma", and place commas around "Lina".
Grampa Gourry could still slice a tree into a hundred pieces at
the age of sixty. Yes, the place is probably the most interesting
"is" -> "was"
place in the entire thirty mile area, other than the Masaki
"thirty miles" is an indication of length, not area.
Shrine. But after having grown up in it, it kind of loses its
"But, having grown up in it, it lost its novelty."
novelty. What she wanted was adventure !
The kind that she heard her grandmother talk about when she
was a little girl and from all the stories she read in the family
library. She wanted to go to some of the places she'd heard
Suggest: "What she wanted was adventure. The kind she had heard
her granma talk about when she was a little girl and had read
about in the all the stories from the family library."
Break this into separate paragraphs, one for the adventure, one
for sightseeing Cephiro, and one for the other stuff.
about. To go to Cephiro and see its Magic Knights and their
titanic Mashins, and go to the various beautiful places she read
about from the book The Knights of Cephiro. To see the beautiful
forests, the deep blue oceans, and probably go to the floating
crystal islands in the sky.
[snip]
One note: From all indications, the Ginzuishou (Silver Crystal)
is Usagi's "soul". Shattering it and having a fragment
remaining implies some interesting things about Usagi (senior
or junior). It seems as if the Ginzuishou is created anew by
each successive Serenity.
She might even get to see a Senshi, not one of the lesser
ones created for the other worlds but the Planet Senshi,
descendants of the original seven who held their titles. Maybe
"seven" -> "nine"
even get a chance to meet them or one of the Guardians. Garnet
blushed a bit at the thought. Granny didn't know but she managed
"know, but..."
to find a stack of trashy romance novels that seemed to have
belonged to her mother. At least she couldn't see her grandmother
reading them.
They were really badly written, but Garnet wasn't exactly
after the writing. The novels were from the Guardians series
printed sometime before she was born. They were about the
Guardians, the men who supplemented the Inner Senshi in defending
the Empress and her daughter. Usually drawn from those of noble
blood, they were always portrayed as incredibly handsome,
chivalrous, and all the stuff that women liked in men. In the
novels they would always rescue a maiden, who was the heroine in
dire straits, and they always fought at first, but in the end
they end up together. Garnet's blush brightened, almost enough to
"end" -> "ended"
match her ruby eyes. Yes, and when they ended up together, well,
they ended up really together. Tenchi was all well and good, but
a girl's entitled to a little fantasy now and then, isn't she ?
"girl's" -> "girl was"; "isn't" -> "wasn't"
She started to whistle a simple tune as she continued her
walk home. Tenchi had taught it to her one time when they were
children. He called it Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku, in Juraian that
meant Ultimate Destiny Apocalypse. It was from this story that he
"Jurian" eh? BTW, apply the rules for song titles to this song.
had heard from his grandfather about a prince who dueled to have
the Bride of the Rose. It ended like all fairy tales, with the
prince riding off into the sunset with his bride. Tenchi told her
that it was probably one of the most beloved of Juraian legends
and that his grandfather told him that every year they celebrate
"celebrate" -> "celebrated"
it at Jurai by holding a great tournament of the sword where the
winner gets to claim the Rose Bride as his wife. Well, that is,
if she accepts. They weren't the totally uncivilized barbarians
"weren't totally the uncivilized barbarians some Terrans ..."
like some of Terrans believed them to be. Anyway, Tenchi always
boasted to her the fact that his grandfather once won the
tournament and his grandmother was a Rose Bride. He told her once
that he wanted to go someday and maybe win like his grandfather.
An idea which she promptly beat him on the head for, and he
wisely never brought that up again.
Split infinitve; try: "An idea for which she promptly beat him
on (suggest over) the head for, and one which he wisely never
brought up again."
[snip]
As she walked faster, she felt it. They always came when
she least expected it. And this time she didn't really need one
of these. But the visions could not be refused. Down they came
drop "of these".
crashing into her mind.
A blonde woman facing a fork in the road, suddenly a third
one opening between the two.
Split into two sentences or use a semi-colon.
[snip]
Then as suddenly as it came, the visions left her. She
"it" -> "they"
breathed a sigh of relief as she stood up shakily. She looked to
her load. Vision or no, her grandmother would have her behind if
she lost the firewood. She smiled weakly at the thought and
inhaled deeply. Clear yourself. Focus. Like Gramps taught you.
Good. Time to go.
Garnet set off once again, trying to recover from the
effects of the vision. From what her grandmother knew, she was a
natural Seer. Probably a powerful one, that's why her visions
"that's" -> "was"
were so strong and affected her deeply. She'd looking in her
"She'd been looking..." or "She'd tried looking..."
grandmother's books for a way to lessen the blow these visions
were having on her, but so far no luck. She sighed, at least I
can still carry this much firewood, looking to her load once
again.
The visions were mostly innocuous but sometimes quite
"but" -> "and"
helpful. Grampa Gourry wouldn't have known of the daimon raid
if it hadn't been for one of her visions, after all. But
something told her that her most recent bout with her talent was
a lot more serious than a daimon raid. The Dark is Rising ?
She'd heard of that phrase before. In one of Granma's
books, most probably. She better hurry along, the sun was already
gone and Castor could already be seen in the sky. The last rays
of sunlight was still there but she better hop to it. She drew in
"she'd better"
another breath and focused, using her grandfather's trick. Her
load seemed light and she seemed to be moving faster after that.
[snip]
"He's mine."
The words seemed to come from behind her again. She
hopped to it, ignoring the female voice.
I would suggest using something other than "hop", it breaks the
mood for me.
"He's mine. Always remember that. He will always be
mine.", the voice said behind her with amusement. Garnet topped
Double punctuation; see above.
the hill and could already see the lights from the windows of the
Drop "already"
Gabriev home.
Then a wind blew up from behind her and she felt something
cold touch her behind her neck and something else lift her long
What is behind a neck? I'd suggest, "the back of her neck".
braid a little. She shrieked and she ran as fast she could
towards the light.
**********
[snip]
"Ah, but I treat my former puppets well, do I not ? A good
home, a good life, a peaceful end to what is an altogether
"is" -> "was"
chaotic life."
Lina sighed. "Yes. That much I could admit. But I ask you
"could" -> "can"
once again. What are you doing here ? I hardly think that me and
Gourry are up to more insanity, courtesy of you."
"Gourry and I" ?
[snip]
"Yes. Why ?", Lina asked, dreading the answer she would
receive. This conversation was turning to things she had rather
"things" -> "places"; "had" -> "would"
not go to.
[snip]
"Lies will do no good.", the voice of her guest turned
Double punctuation; see above.
hard. "She is the one."
"But, why her ? There are others who could See, why her ?
"could" -> "can"
Why my only grandchild ?", Lina exploded slamming her hand to the
table. "If this is some sort of way to get back at me ..."
"She is the one because she bears the mark. I do not
choose. I merely find and guide. And in the end, kill. Do not ask
me why. I only know. And you should know me better than that,
"know" -> "do" or "act" ?
Lina. I never seek vengeance. Vengeance is for idiots. And I am
not an idiot."
Let's see, there are references from: SM, Slayers, Tenchi, Utena,
and Ranma (maybe).
Possible influences by Robert Jordan, Tolkein, and Eddings?
I can't make any suggestions for titles until I know where the
story is going.
The prose is a little richer than I like, but the description
isn't distracting yet (probably because I'm reading Lovecraft).
Sometimes the details seem to swing from "Victorian" to a more
prosaic style and it breaks the mood up a bit. To fix the
change in styles I would suggest getting rid of some
parenthetical details or rephrasing them without a
conversational transition.
The setting is not certain at all; is this still the Silver
Millenum? Ages after the fall? They don't seem to be in this
solar system. A few hints as to the positions of the various
timelines might be useful. Or perhaps a character guide, if
the story only uses some characters and ideas.
You don't go for small things do you? Best of luck, the story
has a lot of scope and potential. Unfortunately, you'll have to
deliver an epic to fulfill the promises made here.