In a message dated 3/24/00 1:36:32 AM EST, sonny_taing@hotmail.com writes:
<< >From: "James" <third_child@hotmail.com>
>To: "FFML" <ffml@fanfic.com>
>Subject: [FFML] [Ranma][FirstFic][x-over]okay, untitled Ch1
>Date: Thu, 23 Mar 2000 20:33:40 -0800
>
>First word of warning. ***
>This is my first fanfic, as well as my first attempt to return to
>writing in many years. I am vary out of practice, and probably was not
>vary good back then either. However, I now am attempting to recover
>that lost voice I had once held in writing; if not improve upon it.
>Please please, C&C are not only wanted, but desired and surely needed.
>
Hey, a newbie? Cool, anyway time to C&C. By the way, while not the best I
read, it was decent for a first time.
=It was a rather interesting read. For a moment, I thought that Kasumi would
be cleaning the smear formerly known as Akane out of the stairs after Hikaru
connected.
>Second word of warning. ***
>None of the characters in this story belong to me. That being said.
>Please don't tell Nabiki, as I really can not afford what price she
>might set. All of what is set forth here, is meant to honor and praise
>those stories that have meant so much to me. Thank you Takahashi, for
>without your fun and wonderful stories, I would have had far few
>reasons to laugh and smile.
Nice dis. Too many people just use the reg. kind, me I use a char. that I
made up.
>Third thing:
> My apologies to Brian Drozdt. I not no intentions of stealing a
>title, but I am very bad at coming up with names and titles. Now that
>it was mentioned, I think I had seen that one around, but never read
>it. It was only a title I had decieded on at the last second anyway.
>Hopefully a better title will present itself in the telling of the
>story.
=Titles are kind of hard to do, of course. Try to envision the main idea of
the story, then name it from that. For example, I'm writing a fanfic where,
instead of using the Full-Body Cat's Tongue tsubo on Ranma, Cologne employs a
much more drastic measure--she "kills" Ranma, then has a weeping Shampoo take
away his body. Once they are on their way to China, Cologne surprises her by
reviving Ranma, then puts him to normal sleep. She then makes to erase from
his memory all traces of him returning to Japan after running away from
Joketsuzoku as the first part of a most elaborate plan to get him married to
Shampoo. I may entitle it "Crossing Over the Path Forgotten" because Ranma
no longer has any memories of ever meeting the Tendos, plus, without Genma
around, he really has no other choice but to stay with Shampoo in China,
therefore taking him and life into a new direction.
One more thing before I really start. It's a xover, and you got to list
which fics you're going to use. And if you're going to use more than two,
then just put mega-xover or something like that.
>
>Now, on with the show:
>------------------------------------------------------
>
> Ranma sat in front of the TV, oblivious to the certain doom
>that was approaching. Suddenly, without warning, Akane appeared from
Maybe rework the opening, doesn't flow right. Me, I would use:
One night Ranma was sitting in front of the TV watching his favoite anime,
DB.
Remember you want them to be as real as they can be, (well anime anyway.)
=Well, I agree that the opening could use a little more work.
=[sugg] Ranma sat in the living room in front of the TV set, but his eyes
were not focussed on the show playing, nor anything else in particular. He
was lost within his own thoughts, completely oblivious to his environment.
Suddenly, a plate of cookies was thrusted into his face. His brooding
thoughts now broken, he turned his head up to face the person who was
proferring him cookies.
>the kitchen carrying a tray of cookies. She approached Ranma with the
>tray and set them down in front of him. Ranma scanned the room for an
>avenue of escape. Finding none he started to gone into his tirade
>about her cooking, stopping short as he saw the pensive look in her
>eyes. The words that always flowed out of his mouth before, always
>served to protect and distance him from the emotional world, hung in
>his throat.
Onch, rework this. Try to use the Chars. voices for all the discription
voices, like
As she approached Ranma with the tray, she set them in front of him, "Eat,"
she commanded.
(Okay,right now I have a hate filled relationship right now, but you get the
idea.)
=Just a little bit...
You have to use the chars. and discripted words, in order to give a
better version of a story.
=Agreed. The characters telling the story as events unfold makes for a
better story than just the narrator talking. Variety, you know...
> Try as he might, he could not blame Nabiki completely for the
>devastation that had ran that night. Even before everyone had shown
up
I'm assuming that's you're talking about the first day, now I'm guessing
that you don't want to outright say it, but you should subtly say it like:
the devastation that had ran on his first night.
=Actually, he's referring to the night after the failed (now _that's_ an
understatement) wedding.
But still that doesn't sound right. Maybe all the problems that happened
that night would be better.
>and destroyed everything, he had already ruined it. That he had not
>realized until he heard Akane crying that first night. He had wanted
>to go to her, but didn't want to get hit, or more correctly, was
>afraid that she wouldn't hit him. He deserved it, and in some awkward
>way, wanted it.
WOw, this is really OOC for a guy like Ranma. You like Ranma? Cause this
just downrights beat him down. And it was just as much as Akane fualt.
Remember she hit him with a table, and why was she crying? At the end, she
was really angry.
=Here, we're talking about the aftermath of the wedding disaster. He has
became more introspective after Jusendou, I would imagine.
> He wasn't sure what a home felt like, but he was more
>comfortable here than he had ever been. He wasn't sure what love
>really felt like, all he knew was that for as long as he could
>remember, everything he ever cared about left him. As Ranma thought of
>how his mother was disappointed in him after that day, he felt the
>weight of all the things he had lost. Some far more valueable than he
>would ever know.
YOU might want to make this Ranma Thoughts. And make him blame his pop, it's
IC for him.
> Now, he was losing Akane. For more months than he deserved, he
>had managed to keep Akane near him by tricking fate and trying to push
>her away. But now, fate it seemed, had taken notice of his little
>trick, and he didn't know what to do. He knew if he refused, she would
Damn, Ranma not that deep folks, and you beating him up again, it's okay to
make him feel a little guilty, but it's not okay to this to do this unless
some major thing happen, and this ain't major.
=Again, this is after Jusendou where he all but shouted to the mountains that
he loved Akane (he admitted it in his thoughts, actually, and he thought that
she was dead in his arms), then denied even thinking that when he was
browbeaten (in both the literal and figurative senses) into the wedding no
sooner than they had arrived back home.
>move a little further away from him; however, if he tried them and
>they made him sick, she would be more hurt and move further away . . .
>it was a lose-lose situation.
It's been a lose-lose situation for a long time, that's why so many people
like it so much.
> Suddenly, there was a knock at the front door. 'Salvation,'
>Ranma thought as he jumped up. "I got it!" Ranma yelled.
Try: His thoughts was disrupted as he heard a knock at the door, and if he
was thinking all of that, then how would he remember Akane's cooking?
=A bit confusing there. I kind of like the original version better; just put
on an exclamation point on Salavtion.
> "Ranma!" Akane growled.
> "Who could it be at this hour?" Ranma asked with a smirk, not
I think Ranma would this ingore Akane, or add a insult, it's a habit You
know.
=True. This is just another form of ignoringAkane's protest.
>to have answered, but anything had to be better than his options two
>seconds ago. Opening the door, Ranma froze. There stood a man perhaps
>in his thirties. He had short dark hair, and was clearly dressed for a
>much colder season than it was. Form a glance Ranma could tell he was
>not a Martial Artists and had probably never even been trained in
martial artist
the,
art.
>and yet this man gave off a feeling that made Ranma tense. With him
>was a girl about Ranma's age. She had had some training, Ranma
>thought, but was definitely not even on Akane's level. She too was
If he thought that, then he should think that, not have the writer tell us
outright.
>dressed in winter wear. Her hair was a shiny black with faint red
>highlights, which fell loosely around her shoulders. The man looked
>uncertainly at Ranma while the girl looked like she was seeing a
isn't she as much a Redhead, as Ramna-chan is?
=Not quite that red. More of an auburn color, I think.
>ghost. He knew he had never seen either one of them before, but
>somehow they both felt familiar. 'No, not now, not again. I am so
>gonna kill you old man,' Ranma thought defensively as he fought the
>only logical reason for them to be here.
Nice, but Ranma wouldn't think that until the glomp.
=Well, with a life like Ranma's, it would probably be the first thing he
would think.
> Almost as if in a nightmarish answer to his thoughts, the girl
>sprang forward, giving Ranma a tight hug that felt like she never
>wanted to let go. Ranma might have thought 'why me,' if this last year
Now he'll do it.
>had not confirmed to him that every ounce of joy he might experience
>in his life, he would have to pay with so much more pain. Suddenly the
>world began to spin then went dark.
> As Ranma collapsed, he nearly took the girl down with him;
>after all, she had not been expecting him to suddenly go limp. Hikaru
>glared at the girl who stood before her clutching a mallet with a
>suspiciously new dent in it.
=[Akane] It's all Ranma's fault! His head's harder than steel!
A xover with MKR eh? Should list that with the title, anyway the hammer
wouldn't be dented, it's a rule.
=Oh, is that what it is?
> "Do what ever you like, it's not like I care or anything!" She
>yelled at the unconscious form that was Ranma. She turned and started
>to storm off down the hallway.
> "You," Hikaru spat. "You shall never do that again!"
Maybe use something else. "Like why did you do that or something."
=Can't really comment, as I've never seen MKR aside from posters.
> Nabiki, who had been watching the whole thing silently from
>atop the stairs now gasped as she watched the girl begin to glow, if
>one could call it that, black. Darkness and shadow seemed to be
YOu could have Sooooo much fun with her right now like have Nabiki with some
spying equiment or something.
>radiating form her in a way darkness should not be able to. Then she
>leaped into the air, aiming a death strike at Akane. Akane had turned
>just in time to watch her jump into the air. After many long battles
>with Ranma's other fiancée's, she had expected some form of attack.
>Why should she be that different from the others. What she did not
>expect was to see such a powerful black aura tinged with such a deep
>crimson red surrounding the girl before she leapt at her with an
>amazing skill. Akane was about to dodge out of the way while blocking,
>she knew she could never move fast enough to get completely out of the
>way, when mid way through the strike, the girl seemed almost to stop
>in mid air, then landed roughly on her feet. The girl spun around to
>face her companion.
Uh, this whole paragraph is messed up, you really got to break up, to help
try to use each charater part as a new paragraph.
> 'Even physics appeared not to be involved where Ranma life was
>concerned,' Nabiki quipped to herself. It was a pity Ranma was still
>out of it. She would have liked to get Ranma's opinion on how she did
So true, But I bet she would laugh about Ranma condiction, that and sell
some new pictures, of Hikaru.
>that. After all, it would have been kind of fun to break a few laws of
>physics during certain classes she would have to be taking in college.
Reword this a bit.
> "Hikaru-chan, do you want to go home already?" The man asked.
Try scolded or chied. It's a bit more discpipted.
>At least now Nabiki knew the name of one of their guests. She looked
>down toward the ground and shook her head. "Then apologize to Akane."
>So he knew Akane. Nabiki wasn't sure what to make of that. She was
>sure of one thing though, she didn't like being the one out of the
>loop.
Time to bring out the truth serem!
> "But . . ." she started, but he just stared at her. Turning
>around slowly, she turned toward Akane, her head hung low. Then she
>bowed deeply "Gomen nasai."
Do you really want to use Jap. If you do, try Sumimasen, it's more formal,
and better for this sitution.
> "Oh, hello Kyousuki. Long time no see, ne?" Kasumi asked from
[Kyousuki] That it been, Kammie! What's the haps?
[Kasumi] Oh, just playa on the ground. He pimpin' fo' girls already, with
mo' on the way, I betcha.
[Kyousuke] Daaaamn, that's some serious playin he's doin...
This it's a bit OOC for Kasumi. Try Kyosuki-san, after all she a tradtional
girl after all.
[Kasumi] Why be traditional when you can be easy? and easy is so damn good!
[Nabiki] (big sweatdrop) All right, who left Kasumi alone with Princess
Fatora?
>behind Nabiki. Now Nabiki was at a total loss. She had meant to catch
>this wild tale from the beginning this time. Now it seemed she was the
>only one who didn't know what was going on.
That's and the readers, you're trying to shadow the whole thing. But you're
not on the spot yet. So, try to change it.
=I'll admit, I was in the dark a bit on what was happening in the now.
> "You know him, oneechan?" Akane asked trying to grasp
>something just out of reach. At least Nabiki now knew she wasn't the
>only one in the dark here. Kasumi only beamed that gentle smile of
>hers.
YOu might want have Kabiki say or think that.
=Fusing Kasumi with Nabiki, we get a sexy, conservative, 18 yr old woman with
long auburn hair in a ponytail who is viciously pleasant. Her name is Kabiki.
[Kabiki] (smiling) Oh, my! We're going to embarrass Ranma by having him do
the housework, then afterwards, I'll make some chocolate chip cookies in the
shape of yen signs as an apology.
> After their mother had died, she had thrown herself into the
>impossible task of trying to take her mother's place. In the beginning
>it had threatened to overwhelm her. Then she watched as Akane smiled
>again for the first time. Soon after that, she had held Nabiki as she
>cried in her arms for hours, letting go some of the turmoil that she
>had been bottling up. Kasumi had been afraid that they would all hate
>her. Hate her for trying to fill their mother's place. For trying to
>live up to that promise. After that, everything she did around the
>house was no longer a chore, but something she relished doing. Now she
Dang, From Nabiki to Kasumi, try to do a transition.
=Actually, this part is a little confusing. The view isn't as clear as it
could be because of the "suspicious" part.
>longer looked upon the world with the same suspicious eyes that she
>had before. Now she openly accepted everything she saw for what it
>was, and before her stood a man, who was at once, a total stranger and
>yet a friend they had just met a few months back. It was no wonder the
>others didn't recognize him, it may have been the best makeup job in
>the world. Even she would have missed it, except a certain look about
>the eyes, and something about his voice gave him away.
>Chubasa could learn a few things from him.
=That's Tsubasa.
> "Ah, yeah." Kyousuki said some what uneasy. He had hoped none
>of them would recognize him. Some reason though, since she was the
>only one that recognized him, he felt the first hint that they might
>actually be able to pull this off, if Hikaru could bide her time.
> Inwardly he sighed. How could he be doing this. Certainly, he
>felt he was following the path of the greater of two evils. He could
>still stop this. What right did he have to be here in the first place?
>He wished he had talked it over with Madoka. He knew she would have
>put a stop to this. What kind of evil man was he to even think of
>this. Actually it had been the idea of a young girl named after a dear
>friend that she would never meet.
> "Kasumi, we need to talk . . . Alone."
> "Okay, how about in the kitchen?"
> With a grin that sent shivers up both Nabiki and Akane's back,
>he responded "Sure." Both Akane and Nabiki looked questioningly at
>Kasumi who softly strolled down the stairs toward the kitchen. The two
>strangers followed closely behind. Akane just watched.
> Nabiki, on the other hand, was down the stairs just as soon as
>they all passed into the kitchen. "Nabiki!" Akane hissed, thinking
>'what are you doing.' Nabiki only smiled back as she tried to listen
>to what was being said. Akane had felt like the only one everyone was
>spying on, every since Ranma got here. She had always hated that,
>especially when it had ruined one of those special moments. She knew
>she should be against this. Akane thought for a second, the joined her
>sister at the door. Too much she needed to know.
>After a long silence, they booth looked at each other quizzically.
>Akane barged on in, Demanding to know what was going on. The kitchen
>was empty.
Ah... the kidnapped thing... oh wait they in Kasumi bedroom, oops!
[Kyousuki] Curses! foiled again! I'll get you for this if it's the last
thing I'll ever do!
> "Kasumi!" Akane yelled. "He just kidnapped Kasumi!" Ranma who
>had just now begun to stir, found himself being dragged out into the
>back yard and off on to the Nerma streets while Akane was muttering
>something about Kasumi being kidnapped and it must have been something
>he did.
I don't that Akane would just lose her cool like that, she do some sobbing,
then drag Ranma out.
> Nabiki walked back over to the couch and waited. Something was
>not right here. She was sure that if they had left, she should have
>heard a door, a window, something, but they were gone without a trace
>in just the short time it took her to get down the steps. She had
>walked out of her room expecting to see the final nail in Ranma's
>coffin. Instead she was meet by two people who knew far too much for
>Nabiki to be comfortable with. Together they had just walked right in
>and spirited off the only person, who might have had some kind of a
>clue what was going on.
Uh, where the Redhead?
=Just add cold water, and-
(Not Ranma.)
=...nevermind...
> Ghosts. Demons perhaps. Perhaps some forgotten gods. Perhaps
>the vary Gods that watched over Ranma and Akane. Nabiki smirked at the
>thought. Now she was letting this whole curse thing get to her. No
>gods or demons had spirited her away. Sure Ranma had fought some
>pretty weird things during their stay here, but not Gods. 'Unless you
>count the 7 unlucky gods, after Ranma got through with them.' No,
>there was a logical explanation this time, and Nabiki was just missing
>the key piece to the puzzle. Ranma would bring her back safe and
>sound, or Nabiki would see to it he died a slow agonizing death.
>
Nabiki wouldn't that.
=Maybe; this is connected to him, after all. Personally, it's more often
than not her relieving herself of stress.
And wasn't just Ranma, it's was the whole gang that
kicked their ass. ANd Nabiki, a little lazy, so try to put in, after all we
trive for IC.
>
>=== third_child@hotmail.com
>We the unwilling, led by the unknowing,
> are doing the impossible, for the ungrateful.
>We have done so much, for so long, with so little
> we are now qualified to do anything with nothing
=Now this sounds like a man who works at Burger King. I think they're going
to adopt this as their new theme song.
>
>
>
>
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ALl in all, a decent chapter, but you got to have the charters talk more,
and not let the writer talk for them. Anyway I'm ottie.
------------------------------------------------------------
Would you like some Pu Tang Pie with that sir?
Yes please!
<Random acts of violence happen.> Yay!
______________________________________________________
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>>
This was written mainly in response to some of Sonny's comments. Suffice to
say, this story seems pretty interesting so far.
Later
Rainman