C&C is welcome.
Voila! If you don't agree with anything I say,
ignore me with impunity!
-Komodo
*******
Prologue....
Since the dawn of time, there have been men and women who have neither fear
nor mercy.
How about:
men and women with neither fear nor mercy.
Servants of Justice, sometimes knowingly, sometimes not, these
souls roamed the world, dealing out punishment and retribution.
But eventually, they died out when it seemed that they were no longer needed,
or perhaps society simply turned against them and their admittedly harsh
methods.
But now, In Tokyo Japan,
But now, in Tokyo, Japan,
the first of a new generation of these individuals
is about to arise. . .
End of a sentence: four dots, not three.
*******
"It's gone! It's gone!" Crow T. Robot yelled, staring at the control panel
for the Holocabana.
"What is?" Asked
asked
Joel Robinson, as he released Tom Servo so that the smaller
robot could hover on his jets. Robinson was a lanky man, with a goatee and
thinning hair. He wore a brightly colored jumpsuit.
"My Evil Moon: Sins of the Sailor Senshi program!" The gold beaked robot
the gold-beaked robot
cried.
"Maybe Doctor F. took it."
it,"
Servo put in.
"Why would he do that?" Crow demanded. Servo did not have an answer.
"Dinnertime!" Gypsy called.
"You guys go on ahead."
ahead,"
Joel said. "I want to get the counter organized a
bit."
"Okay." The two robots disappeared down the corridor towards the living
section. Joel watched his creations go and then began trying to get
everything organized.
Since you already used 'organized' last paragraph, how about using something different here, like 'tidied up'.
As he worked, he began to get that feeling that he was being watched. He
looked up. On the other side of the bridge, a man sat in the battered easy
chair Joel sat in when he had insomnia.
How about:
a man was sitting in the battered easy chair in which Joel usually sat when he had insomnia.
The stranger had black hair, tanned skin, and wore a black jumpsuit. A CD-ROM
in a jewel case was in his hand and even
hand; even
>from across the bridge, Joel could
see that the label proclaimed it to be Crow's missing program.
For a moment, all was silent. "Who are you?" Joel said at last. The stranger
winked, smiled, then laughed chillingly.
Then he vanished.
*******
Chapter 1
>From the beginning, Serena Tuziniko
Hmmm... a fusion of the dub and the original names. Were you intending, since this seems to be a dark variant of the SM world, to have the original names spelled wrong? If so, ignore me. If not, it should be spelled:
Tsukino
had been a. . .difficult child. In his
report, the obstetrician, sporting his brand new black eye, courtesy of a
tiny flailing fist,
sporting a brand new black eye courtesy of a tiny flailing fist,
had remarked that it was the first ninety hour delivery
he had ever seen or heard of.
*******
Control room of Juuban High's brand new computer controlled climate control
system........
I'd make this a complete sentence (or at least, something a little closer to a complete sentence ^_^;;):
In the control room of Juuban High's brand-new computer controlled climate control system....
(Oh, and... four dots. Only four dots. ^_^;)
"Serena! You're going to far!"
too far!"
"Serena's rule number two of life, you can never go to far, and I'm not going
to serve detention for something I didn't do."
How about:
"Serena's Rule Number Two of Life: you can NEVER go too far. And
(Just giving a bit more emphasis there ^_^)
"But you did switch the delivery order
I'd emphasize 'did' somehow. Something like:
"But you DID switch the
so the University got the frogs and
the biology department here got the medical cadavers." Serena looked over
I'd start a new paragraph at 'Serena looked'
her
shoulder at her neighbor and on most
and, on
occasions, accomplice.
"I know that, you know that-"
"-I know that cause
'cause
(apostrophes replace missing letters)
you made me make the phone call."
call,"
Molly Naru interrupted.
Going by your previous example, she should be Molly Osaka. (Since Naru was her original given name, not her family name.) But if you feel this sounds better....
Serena continued as though the redhead hadn't said a word.
"But Dean Haruna
Add the 'Serena continued' line to this paragraph.
doesn't know it...or at least, she can't prove it. I'm not
going to give her time to wonder about it
it,
either." She turned her attention
back to the computer screen, where a worm program, crafted by Amy Muzino, the
Again, unless you *want* to have the original names misspelled, it should be
Mizuno
school brain, was working it's
its
way into the computer's operating system.
Serena grinned maliciously and retrieved the CD-ROM as soon as the program
signaled that it had done it's job.
its job.
"All done." She said and
done," she said, and
the two exited the small room and went back into the
main hallway. When they had reached the stairwell, she took out an object
that looked like a graphing calculator from her jacket. "Now for the fun
part." Humming a tune, she hit several keys. "Lessee, cafeteria. The
computer's divided it into four sections. . .So,
End of a sentence; four dots.
for section one, how about
some heavy moisture, 8 degrees
eight degrees
Celsius. Section two... one hundred degrees
Fahrenheit, heavy moisture. For section three, how about something tropical,
yes. . .and for section four. . .hurricane force winds."
Your ellipsis strategy seems to go back and forth between . . . and ... You should probably choose one and stick to it.
She laughed to
herself and hit the final keys before putting the device away. "I'm hungry.
Let's go to the Cafeteria."
You've never capitalized it before; why start now?
*******
The cafeteria was a study in uncontrolled chaos. The conflicting climates had
created snow in humid, warm conditions and the wind was scattering it
everywhere.
How about:
had created snow despite the humid, warm conditions, and the
"I would hope you didn't have me go through all that trouble just for to
entertain yourself with this." The
just to entertain yourself like this," the
blue haired girl next to Molly said
loftily.
"Why Amy!"
"Why, Amy!"
Serena protested in mock horror. "Would I do such a thing?" Amy
Muzino gave her a flat stare. Serena gave her an angelic smile that seemed
slightly out of place on her face.
"Yes, you would."
would,"
Molly grumbled. Serena moved away from the crowd, gesturing
for the others to follow.
"Okay. So?" Serena took out the control device and began keying in a new set
of instructions. "The 'Honorable Mister Furikan'
An actual character name from the anime? Or a name of your own devising? Just curious ^_^ (plus it sounds like the name of Ranma's high school)
spends half his time at the
golf course and the other half under his secretary. Haruna is the one who
really runs this school and she need to get out of her office once in a
while. Get laid, or high, or something." She fell silent for a while, her
brow furrowed in concentration as she worked. "There. She
"There," she
said in
satisfaction as she put it away.
as she put the controller away.
"Come midnight, Christmas comes early."
*******
The black cat watched the two girls leave the school and proceed towards
downtown Tokyo. This was too good to be true. Not only had Sailor Moon been
located, but Mercury too. The Ginzinhozu
Again, unless you intend to misspell it, it's
Ginzuishou
would be pleased. Now all that was
left to do was to wake them up.
*******
"A moment of your time, ladies." Serena and Amy turned at the sound of the
voice. But there was no one around except a black cat curled up on the limb
of a tree.
"Who said that?" Amy demanded.
"I did." Replied
did," replied
the voice.
"Who are you? Where are you?" Serena snapped.
"Up here in the tree." Both girls looked at the cat. "My name is Artemis,"
The cat
the cat
said in a mild tone, "and I have a very interesting tale to tell."
*******
Some time later....
"So let me get this straight. Me and Amy are reborn creations of this
sentient crystal, and we're expected to bring death and destruction to the
universe? Cool."
"Its scientifically improbable." Amy
improbable," Amy
said. "There is no proof of life on
other planets. How can we know that what you say is true?"
Serena's face took on a pained expression. "Amy. . ."
Four dots.
The other girl
New paragraph starting with this sentence.
looked
at her.
"What?"
"You're asking for proof of the existence of extraterrestrial life," She
life," she
gestured at Artimes. "From
Artemis, "from
a talking cat." Amy was silent for a moment.
Start the new paragraph at 'Amy was'
"I still require proof before I will accept the word of a talking cat." She
cat," she
said stiffly.
Paragraph break here.
Serena sighed and then looked at Artimes.
Artemis.
"She's got a point. Can you back this up?"
"Of course." Artimes backflipped and Serena felt a tingle all over as a blue
pen-like object appeared on the sidewalk. "Now. Serena, raise your hand and
say 'Dark Prism Power'
Power.'
Amy, take up that henshin stick and say, 'Dark
Mercury Power'." He looked at them. "Well?"
Paragraph break here.
Serena raised her hand and said
the words that would damn her forever.
"Dark Prism Power!"
Paragraph break here.
Amy followed suit.
"Dark Mercury Power!"
And once more, the battle lines were drawn.
Intriguing idea, and a good start!
Megan Jones kunitori@licensedtokill.com
A Midsummer Night's WebSite: http://i.am/midsummer
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