This time it should work... I hope ^_^;;
***********************
David Jones dozed. His wheelchair sat next his bed. Clutched in one hand was
a octagon crystal. On the crystal, was a crescent moon.
How about:
Clutched in one hand was an octagonal crystal; on the crystal was a crescent moon.
The points of the
crystal pointed to centraheadon crystal bound to one side.
I'm sorry; I have no idea what this sentence is supposed to mean! What's a 'centraheadon'? How
can the crystal have points? Is it a spiky crystal? Or do you mean the points of the crescent moon?
"DAVID GET UP!
"David, get up!
(It's best to avoid using all caps unless REALLY important. If you use them too often, then
when you REALLY need to emphasize something, what'll you do?)
YOU'RE LATE FOR SCHOOL!"
David snorted and shifted. In his dream, his girlfriend Mina was about to
remove the top of her swimsuit, then
swimsuit; then
she stopped and screamed at him.
"DAVID JONES GET UP!"
"David Jones, get up!"
"Mrghf." His eyes fluttered open. Oh yeah. School. Ugh.
"DON'T MAKE ME COME UP THERE!"
"OKAY MOM!"
"Okay, Mom!" he called back.
(Best to keep it absolutely clear in the readers' minds who's talking.)
Hiya, squirt."
You should put in a little bit of description about who's speaking right now, or else some readers
might think it's his mom again. Such as:
"Hiya, squirt," said a thuggish voice from beside his bed.
"Hello Thad."
"Hello, Thad."
(You seem to be missing a lot of commas, by the way.)
You mongoid.
I'm not familiar with this word... maybe you mean 'mongoloid'? Some other fun insults are
'troglodyte', er, 'munchdip' (thanks, Rinkworks! ^_^;;)
Thad Jones, David's older brother, fulfilled all the requirements for being a
dumb jock. To David, Thad was the sort of person who had to be reminded to
breathe.
I think you can lose the 'To David' there.
Unfortunutly,
Unfortunately,
Thad was all muscle, ego, and no brain.
He was all muscle and ego, with no brains to speak of.
(I just thought it sounded better that way. Plus you shouldn't repeat 'Thad' so often in a
paragraph)
A dangerous
combination.
He snatched the crystal from David's hand.
"What's this?
I don't think you need to begin a new paragraph here.
A new bauble?
Gee, for someone with 'no brains' he's sure got an impressive vocabulary. How about:
A new toy?
You want it back, Baby?"
I wouldn't capitalize 'baby' here. Just personal preference ^_^
David's mind
However I WOULD start a new paragraph with this sentence.
raced. He
doubled as the
I understand what you're trying to say here; I just think you could say it better. Such as:
The crystal allowed him to become his alter ego, the Crystal Knight
Crystal Knight. Superhero
How about:
as the Crystal Knight, superhero
and comedian. There were multiple
warrents out for the Knight on varying
for varying
degrees of destruction of property.
degrees of property destruction.
The Knight was responsible for bringing the city to lead the rest of the
world in property damage.
How about:
He was single-handedly responsible for his city leading the world in sheer amount of
property damage.
Ever since he had first used the crystal to become
the Knight, he had taken joy in wrecking stuff. He tried to
How about:
He usually tried to
limit the
desruction
destruction
to the slums
to slums
and abandoned tenement buildings. They were ready to
come down anyway.
How about:
He figured they were ready to come down anyway.
To David, it was saving the city money.
I'd make this sentence part of the previous paragraph. Even better, join it to the previous
sentence:
They were ready to come down anyway; he figured he was saving the city money.
He was also indirectly responsible
for bringing every loony out of the woodwork. As turned out, most them
As it turned out, most of them
were
children of the Moon Kingdom. The servants, apprentices and others.
Sentence fragment; join it to the previous sentence. How about:
children of the Moon Kingdom; its servants, apprentices, and other such people.
Not to
mention the others.
I'd cut out this sentence; it doesn't seem to make sense.
Queen Serenity had not only sent the children, but as
many of their Parents as she could.
Is there a reason why you've capitalized 'parents'?
Unfortunutly,
Unfortunately,
(Chee, update your dictionary; that's the second time you've misspelled this word ^_^;;)
some Negaverse soldiers had
been sent as well.
How about:
had accidentally been sent to Earth as well.
They were the problem. Like the Scouts, They
Like the Scouts, they
had acquired
superpowers and were using them to wreck
wreak
havoc. It had gotten so bad, that at
least one Scout was on patrol at all times.
It had gotten so bad that at least one Scout had to be on patrol at all times.
Who was on?
How about:
Who was on right now?
He racked his memory.
Oh yeah. Nephrite and Bertie. While technically they weren't scouts,
You capitalized 'scouts' before; is there a reason why you aren't capitalizing it now?
they
didn't need to sleep either. There are some advantages to not being human.
Speaking of not being Human,
I wouldn't capitalize here.
Thad still had his crystal.
"Give it back Thaddy."
Again with the commas. "Give it back, Thaddy."
"My name is not Thaddy dweeb."
Thaddy, dweeb."
David screwed up his face to yell. Thad threw
the crystal at him.
Better to attach shorter sentences together to make a more complex sentence. How about:
David screwed up his face to yell; before he could make a sound, Thad threw the crystal at him.
(And perhaps some description of Thad would be in order here; is he annoyed? peevish?
chuckling to himself?)
David made a face and hauled himself out of bed and into
his chair.
Either
David made a face, hauling himself out of bed and into his chair.
or
David made a face and hauled himself out of bed into his chair.
(Maybe if you specifically said 'wheelchair' here, just to make sure that readers (with their
notoriously short attention spans) remember it ^_^;;)
Sticking the Crystal in his lap he
lap, he
rolled out of his room to take
his shower.
I think 'a shower' instead of 'his shower' would sound better.
--------------------------------
"Hi Lita, Hi David.
No capitalization in the middle of a sentence! And again with the commas. How about:
"Hi, Lita! Hi, David!
You wanna hear the latest about the shuttle?
I'd put in a bit of description about the shuttle. Such as:
You wanna hear the latest about today's shuttle trip to the Moon? (or Mars, or the space station,
or wherever the heck this shuttle's going ^_^)
I can tell
you exactly what's in the fuel."
How about:
I can tell you the exact composition of the fuel!"
"Blow it, Melvin. Lita wouldn't know, and I don't care." It was lunch. David
and Lita were seated on a concrete rise at the back of the school. Through
the Chain link fence
chain link fence
(Chee, you like capitalizing random words, don't you? ^_^;; )
they could look out over downtown.
How about:
they had a great view of downtown Tokyo. (or whatever city your story's set in.)
David was slouched in
his chair, legs crossed, his head propped up by one hand as he contemplated
his half eaten
half-eaten
apple. Lita was busily rummaging in her food sack looking for
any extra cookies.
"What about the astronauts? I can tell you all the latest gossip about the
astronauts." Melvin thrust the front page in David's face.
How about:
the front page of a local newspaper
(just to provide the readers with a better mental image of what's going on)
On the front page
was a huge, full color photo of the astronauts.
a huge full-color photo
David sat up a little
straighter and snatched the paper out of Melvin's hand. He then slouched down
slouched back down
and started to read.
And Melvin's reaction to this is...? Personally if someone stole MY newspaper I'd get a little
annoyed.
As he read, Molly joined them.
"Hi, Lita. Wha'cha doing?"
I think it's just me (^_^;;), but I'd write What'cha instead of Wha'cha. It just looks better to me.
"I dunno. Melvin was bugging us about the shuttle and thrust the paper in
David's face. David snatched the paper out of Melvin's hand and he's been
reading it."
You don't need to recap. The readers already know all this. How about:
"I dunno. Melvin was bugging us, so David stole his newspaper."
David looked up. His face had a thoughtful expression. Pitching
the apple over the fence, he folded the paper to show the photo then
photo, then
pulled
out a pen and circled four of the astronauts.
"Molly, send word to Maxsfield.
Are you sure it's spelled this way? I'd spell it 'Maxfield'.
Lita and I have to get to the Launch.
launch.
(No capital letter needed here.)
As fast
as possible."
"Why?"
"None of your bisnuess Melvin.
business, Melvin.
Beat it." Muttering words that aren't
repeatable, repeatable, Melvin
weren't repeatable, Melvin
stalked off towards the main building.
A bit more setting confirmation would be in order here. How about:
towards the main school building.
Lunch
forgotten, Lita got up to stand next to David. She hadn't known him long. But
long, but
his cool head and quick thinking had gotten the Scouts out of more than one
scrape. He also had an uncanny ability to plan out every contingency.
Um, he sounds an awful lot like a Mary Sue. Be careful with that. Also; 'cool head'? Doesn't
sound much like a guy who 'takes joy in property destruction' as you described him before.
Unless the Crystal Knight has a totally different personality from David...?
Molly
cocked her head.
Start a new paragraph with that sentence.
"What's going on?" She asked
Molly cocked her head. "What's going on?" she asked.
David pointed to the four astronauts he had circled. Lita leaned closer. They
looked different. But Lita would know them anywhere.
different from the last time she'd seen them, but Lita would know them anywhere.
The Black Lady,
Malachite, Rubius, and Bertie.
"How-" Lita began only to
began, only
have David cut her off.
"The Black Lady is
Be sure to start a new paragraph with this line. Just a reminder ^_^
up to something. With Beryl dead, The Negaverse
the Negaverse
(careful with your capital letters!)
is almost
dead.
You've already used 'dead' in this sentence, so to avoid repetition I'd use something like
'gone' or 'finished' here.
The Negamoon is our only concern. But without Rubius and the Sisters,
The wiseman-Jadeite, is powerless."
But without Rubius and the Sisters, the Wiseman -- Jadeite -- is powerless.
(Something tells me that I'm not starting at the beginning of the story here! How many
previous parts are there? You should put that at the beginning of the story: 'This is
part x of my ongoing series about the Crystal Knight.' Something like that.)
Lita nodded. Only months ago, the Scouts
had battled alternate versions of their enemies.
Far and away more Evil then anything the scouts had encountered.
Only months ago, the Scouts had battled alternate versions of their enemies, far and away more
evil than anything they had ever encountered before.
Only the
Timely
timely
resurrection of Sailor Moon, or rather, the alternate Sailor Moon had
the alternate Sailor Moon, had
managed to avert disaster. But some of the Alternate Nega-villains had
escaped Crystal Tokyo and slipped back into past, or the present, or
whatever.
Oooh, sloppy. I was confused for a few seconds by this. How about:
and slipped back into the present day.
The upshot was, if the Scouts had thought The Black Lady,
had thought that the Black Lady,
Malachite, Rubius
and Bertie they had battled over the past year and half were bad, these four
were far, far, worse. To make matters worse, Lita was the only Scout
available. The others were on a school trip. There was no way they would be
available to get away.
The others were on a school trip; there was no way they'd be able to get away in time.
She turned to Molly.
New paragraph with that sentence.
"Tell Nephrite to meet me and David in my loft this afternoon after school."
Molly nodded.
--------------------------------
Lita twisted the key in the lock. With a hum, the elevator dropped down to
the floor below her. With a smile, she removed the key. Until she
I'd fuse the sentences together:
the key; until she
used that
key again, the elevator was barred from coming up to her floor. She shoved
the heavy sliding door into place and locked it. Whistling a show tune, she
rolled the Harley to it's place
its
next to the door.
Lita lived alone. Paul, her Guardian,
guardian,
lived in the apartment beneath her. She
hated Paul's Guts
guts
and vice versa. Hence
versa, hence
the arrangement. Paul was available
if nessacary,
necessary,
but she pretty much lived on her own. He paid her rent and gave
her money for food, gas, and insurance for the Harley.
How about:
He did nothing other than paying for her her rent and giving her money for etc.
She dumped her bag on the couch and walked into the bedroom. The previous
tenant had erected ten foot partitions in one corner of the loft. They had
also added a door. It was in this walled off
walled-off
area that she had her bed and
dresser. The only actual room was the bathroom
Um, this sentence sounds weird. Maybe, 'The only actual separate room within her apartment
was the bathroom.'
Boasting a combination
shower/bath, it was just the thing for a quick wake-up if she was late for
school.
The ceiling had lighting-okay naked bulbs
What does 'lighting-okay' mean? I have no clue.
suspended from the ceiling.
To avoid repetition, how about rewriting the sentence as:
Suspended from the ceiling were naked lightbulbs.
But at
least she didn't have to rely on the halogen floor lamps.
How about:
Suspended from the ceiling were naked lightbulbs; they weren't the ultimate in interior
decorating, but at least she didn't have to rely on the halogen floor lamps.
Dressed in her exercise leotard she
leotard, she
walked over to the stereo and put on the
soundtrack to The Crow. Then, after the warm up,
After she'd warmed up,
she started on the punching
bag. After that, she lifted weights.
How about:
she started on the punching bag, then spent some time lifting weights.
Then she showered
How about:
Her workout over, she showered
and dressed in a pair
of faded jeans and an old angora sweater she had picked up at a garage sale.
She packed an overnight duffel and then flopped on the couch to await
Nephrite and David. She picked up the remote and switched on the TV.
She was laughing at Bugs Bunny when they arrived.
Make that sentence part of the last paragraph.
David looked at the TV.
New paragraph with that sentence.
"Seen it five times." Lita looked at him askance. Then
askance, then
switched the TV off
and picked up the duffel.
"Lita, it's just you and me on this one.
David's still speaking, so keep this as part of the last paragraph.
Maxsfield
Again, are you sure it's spelled this way?
Stanton has an reservation
a reservation
at a business dinner he can't get out of. The Sisters have to get ready for
tax time.
How about:
have to fill out their tax forms tonight; they'd left it to the last minute, as usual.
(Plus that gives them a better excuse for why they're not taking part in this incredibly important
venture.)
Mina, Raye, Amy and Serena are on that inter-school trip. They're
too closely supervised.
trip; they're too closely supervised to be able to get away.
All Neffy is gonna do is get us there. After that,
we're on our own."
"What about your parents?" David smiled sardonically.
New paragraph with that sentence:
David smiled sardonically. "They're out of town for the weekend,
"They're out of town for the weekend, and Thad is planning a Rave.
rave.
(You REALLY like capitalizing random words, I've noticed.)
I know
he's planning to throw me in the pool house. I live there most of the time
anyways. All my valuable stuff is there." He pulled out a key on a chain from
under his shirt. "I'm the only one with a key. He'll use the guest house for
his harem of girlfriends anyway"
girlfriends, anyway."
He tucked the key back into his shirt.
"Besides, it's bigger than the guest house."
"You live in the poolhouse?"
How about:
"You live in a poolhouse?" Lita was a little shocked.
David shrugged
"I don't mind.
New paragraph starting with 'David':
David shrugged. "I don't mind.
Thad plays his heavy metal at ear-blasting volume anyway. Out
in the poolhouse, it's nice and quiet. When I realized what Thad was up to,
Mina and I moved my computer, coin collection, and other valuable stuff.
stuff there.
Then
I swiped the poolhouse keys, buried one,
keys; I buried one set, and
and I wear the other one around my
neck. I even changed the code on the security system."
"But what if Thad tries to break in?" David steepled his fingers.
Join that last sentence to the next paragraph.
"Thad and I have a. . .understanding.
an... understanding.
I keep my mouth shut about his raves,
and he stays out of the poolhouse. Which is a good thing. Because there's
evidence that will arrive on Dad's desk that has pictures from Thad's Raves.
I also took a few precautions. Because there's enough notes and junk in there
that can be put together and reveal the identity of the scouts."
and he stays out of the poolhouse. He knows that I've got photo evidence of his raves
that'll land straight on Dad's desk if he even tries to break in. Which is a good thing.
There are notes and junk in there which could reveal the identity of the Scouts."
Nephrite cleared his throat and raised an eyebrow at David. David nodded,
an eyebrow at David; he nodded,
and
with a lurch (and a brief warp of the scenery, overlaid with the
overlaid by a
brief
hallucination of a iguana,
an iguana,
and Lita blushing bright red at something she saw,
but later absolutely refused to discuss, but occasionally caused her to
mutter, "They have rings for THAT!?! And I thought navel rings were as far
down as you could go!"),
Whoa. WAAAY too much of a joke that really isn't all that funny. I'd cut this little aside
off at the iguana.
the loft vanished to be replaced by an expanse of
grass. On the horizon, they could see the fence which surrounded the base,
beyond that,
the base; beyond that,
the shuttle itself.
"It's good thing tomorrow is Sunday and neither of us has school." Lita
shaded her eyes and squinted to see the shuttle better.
"Ya know, from here it doesn't look that big."
"Distance does wonderful things to human eyesight" David said dryly.
"Speaking of which. . . ." He dug a cell phone out of his bag and dialed a
number.
This section presents a problem. Since you've got someone talking as well as a mention of
Lita in the same paragraph, we automatically assume that Lita's the one who's talking there.
Which really screws us up a couple of lines later. Rewrite it like this:
"It's a good thing that tomorrow's Sunday and neither of us has school."
Lita shaded her eyes and squinted to see the shuttle better. "Ya know, from here it doesn't look that big."
"Distance does wonderful things to human eyesight," David said drily.
--------------------------------
Mina picked up the phone with one hand and continued brushing Serena's hair
with the other.
"Hello?"
"Hi ya sweet lips!"
"Hiya, sweet lips!"
(O_o;; If I was her, I'd slap him.... But none can resist the almighty power of a Mary Sue.)
"David?" Mina cradled the handset between her shoulder and cheek. "how are
you?"
"Absolutely smashing! Lita and I are Florida."
are in Florida."
"Florida? What the hell are you doing there?"
"The Black Lady and three of her cronies have invaded the crew. Darien just
can't get away, Neffy, has an
away, Neffy has an
appointment he can't ditch and the Sisters have
to get ready for the tax man.
man."
"So it's just you two"
two."
"Duh huh." Quipped
huh," quipped
David in his best hillbilly accent. "Anyhoo, put Amy on
on,
would you?" Mina handed the receiver to Amy.
"Yes?"
"Ames. Listen up. I need to know the exact location of the abort button on
the shuttle."
"It would be center on the dashboard somewhere, probably underneath a clear
plastic case or lid. It has to be pushed before ignition."
"Cool. Thanks. Put Mina back on."
"David?"
"No, the Loch Ness monster. I gotta scoot luv.
scoot, luv.
Love you."
"Ditto." The phone clicked. Mina replaced the phone. Serena twisted around to
look at her.
New paragraph starting with 'Serena'
"Mina? What was that all about?" Raye crossed the room.
New paragraph starting with 'Raye'. It's a good idea to put sentences ABOUT a character
in the SAME paragraph as sentences SPOKEN BY that same character. It makes for a
MUCH less confusing read.
"Yes. What did he want to know about the abort button for?" Mina licked her
lips before replying.
"Lita and David are in Florida. The Black Lady and three of her cronies are
on the shuttle crew. They're going to try and stop them."
--------------------------------
Jupiter stood on the edge of the control tower roof. Two miles away, the
shuttle waited by the assembly building. The sun was just peeking over the
horizon. In 24 hours,
In twenty-four hours,
(One of the rules of good writing: write out all numbers less than 100 using letters, not
numbers.)
the shuttle would launch.
According to David, in that cargo bay was the world's only cold fusion
reactor.
Cold fusion? Bwahahahaha! *cough* *choke* Erm, nevermind... we'll just put this in the
'plot device' category, will we?
It had a date with the engineering module of United.
I'm taking it on faith that this 'United' of which you speak is in fact the space platform. Or is it
something else? Please make sure to properly identify stuff like this.
The nations of
the world had put aside their differences to build the first fully-functional
Space Platform in preparation for the Mars Mission. Japan supplied the tech,
technology.
(abbreviations are fine for when people are talking. but in narration, you should always write out
words in full.)
Russia supplied the construction crew and their massive boosters. Canada and
the rest supplied station crew. America was supplying it's
its
fleet of reusable
craft. It's
Its
shuttles. Which was why they were here in Florida.
"Man, when you think about all the effort we're putting into this, it really
boggles the mind." Crystal Knight picked up her up around the waist
Crystal Knight picked her up by the waist,
and with
a boost from his rocket pack, they landed on the mobile gantry that would
carry the shuttle all the way to the launch site. "Maybe, just maybe, this
could end all the wars and stuff."
New paragraph starting with "Maybe,
"Jupiter, I couldn't garuntee
guarantee
that."
"Why not?"
"Human nature."
"Oh. So what's the plan?"
"Get into the prep rooms for the astronauts, remove the Negascum, and be out
before you can say Jack Rabbit."
"They're gonna resist."
"If we can get them out to the swamps, it won't matter."
"Huh?"
"The swamps are ripe with strange magic. Wild and untamed. Neffy and I
tangled with a Bayou Voodoo Queen while trying to capture Demando. We lost
him and had to extract ourselves from the swamp." He paused. "I will never
look at an alligator the same way again."
This sounds like fun... have you already written that particular story?
"So you're planning to dump them in the heart of the swamps?"
"Yep. Let the wild magic deal with them. I know one old lady that would love
to make Negaverse Stew."
"David? Are you still in control?"
"Of Course.
course.
Why?"
"That last part sounded kind of, well, crazy." Lita found herself inching
away from the Knight. If David ever lost control of the rage and anger that
was the real Crystal Knight, a few feet wouldn't save her.
the real Crystal Knight, however, a few feet of space wouldn't save her.
"Sorry. I don't think it's possible to kill them by Magic."
by magic."
"Why?"
"Magic is a form of energy. When Nephrite died, it was from the
because of the
vines through
his shoulder. Not the blasts that they hurled at him."
"But Serena's crescent Moon Wand..."
Crescent Moon Wand...."
"I don't know Jupiter,
Uh, you don't? Certainly seems like you do; you're talking to her and all. Er. Sorry. Just
goes to show the importance of putting in enough commas. If you don't, then your characters
say things they don't mean to say. It should be:
"I don't know, Jupiter;
I honestly don't know. Perhaps it's the type of energy
used."
"You eggheads are all alike."
"I won't dignify that with a response. However, Amy and I have been trying to
figure out a way to Artificially
artificially
re-create the energy that the wand uses."
"Why?"
"In case Sailor Moon ever becomes........incapacitated."
Three. Three dots. That's all you're allowed to use in an ellipsis:
becomes... incapacitated."
The visor
His visor
(At least, I *assume* it's his visor.)
glowed red
briefly.
--------------------------------
Jupiter bounded from building to building. As a Sailor Scout, her energy and
endurance were increased.
How about:
were far greater than those of an ordinary human.
She also had a high level of resistance to injury
and
injury, and
heightened agility. All were useful when making leaps sometimes as much
as twenty feet.
when leaping as far as twenty feet at a time.
All the scouts had those abilities, in
had these abilities in
addition to their own
powers.
She pondered David and Mina. Normally she wasn't given to introspection but
she had the entire width of the base to cover and her mind was wandering.
David was a bigger mystery than Mina. His uncanny ability to plan bugged her.
Where did he come from? Wales obviously,
Wales, obviously,
she knew that much. But he had
always been rather closemouthed about his past. Witness protection? Now that
was a thought. Actually it was too good a thought. Too close to the truth
really. Could the Jones family be from Witness Protection?
be from the Witness Protection Program?
That made sense,
in a twisted way. Except both Mina and David had made references to a guy
named Conrad. From the looks on their faces when they talked about him, she
wasn't sure she ever wanted to meet this guy.
Then there was Mina. She had been after the Negaverse longer than any of the
scouts except
scouts, except
maybe Pluto. Why was she the
Why had she been the
first Scout when Serena was the
Chosen One? Oy. She decided to leave it to the others, and give Artemis a
going over.
That last sentence sounded a bit scanny. How about:
Oy. She'd give Artemis a going over once this job was over.
He had to have answers. He had too.
to.
There was too much going on
here. Why had Venus waited until She,
until she,
Mercury, Mars and Sailor Moon gotten
Moon had gotten
together before showing up? Finally finding them didn't wash. After finding
them, She had no
them, she had had no
trouble getting to the fight. Artemis was
had been
handing Luna
assignments well before Mars had joined so he
joined, so he
had to know
had to have known
where they were
headed, he
headed. He
could have sent Mina there.
sent Mina to Tokyo (or wherever the Scouts live in your story) much earlier.
Something just didn't add up.
Jupiter landed on a truck that was headed in the right direction. Mina and
David were mysteries. Jupiter hated mysteries.
As the truck turned down an alleyway, Jupiter leapt upwards onto an office
and caught a Van
a van
headed for the shuttle itself. First things first. Stop the
Black Lady and her cronies. Then, deal with David.
She leapt off the truck and bounded back on to the rooftops. David and other
mysteries would have to wait. She had to get into position.
--------------------------------
The Knight crouched in the shadow of the launch gantry. Something had pulled
him here. A force. The Imperium crystal
Here, I WOULD capitalize:
The Imperium Crystal
(I assume that the Imperium Crystal is HIS crystal, the octagonal thingy that Thug -- er,
I mean Thad -- briefly stole from him? As opposed to Usagi's Silver Imperium Crystal?)
was answering a call too powerful too
ignore. He had to know.
"Curiosity killed the cat." His mom's voice washed through his head.
"Meow." He chuckled softly and leapt up the side of the Gantry.
gantry.
Whatever it
was, it was calling the Imperium Crystal from somewhere on the gantry.
To avoid repetition of 'gantry' I'd write something like:
from somewhere above.
The grubby man
A grubby man
in mechanic's coveralls watched the Knight. In a flash, the
Knight was fifty feet up the Gantry.
gantry.
"You were correct mistress.
correct, mistress.
He is here."
"Of course Martin,
course, Martin;
don't you know I'm always right.
How about:
don't you know? I'm always right.
You do know that, don't
you?"
"Yes mistress. Of course Mistress."
"Yes, mistress. Of course, Mistress."
The pink-haired woman patted the mechanic
on his head.
Add this sentence to the next paragraph.
"I know you do. Now go to your job." The mechanic scurried away. The woman
smiled. A single night of passion and he was hers. Heart and soul. She hadn't
realized the full. . .potential of a frayed, scratchy rope until then. He had
proven that humans did have potential if certain base instincts were given
free reign. A shame he had to die. When it came to the other uses of a table
knife, Martin had been rather inventive. And what he could do with that
candle . . .
Four dots at the end of a sentence:
candle....
With a flicker, she vanished.
--------------------------------
Jupiter arrived at the gantry and made her way up the side of the shuttle.
After all the problems with Tomoe, she had thought their problems were over.
To avoid repetition, replace one of the 'problems' in this sentence with 'troubles' or
something like that.
When the others from the Moon Kingdom appeared she
Kingdom had appeared, she
had thought them easy. But
they hadn't.
they'd be easy to defeat. But they'd been anything but.
Then Pluto had yanked them to Crystal Tokyo where they had faced
those duplicates, and Amy had nearly died. They all had scars from that.
Mercury's right eye had trouble focusing and her speech slurred slightly if
she wasn't careful. Venus had a limp. Mars came out smelling like a rose.
How about:
Mars, however, came out
All
she had was a web-shaped scar above her left eye. Jupiter paused on a gantry
arm to rub her shoulder. Her arm had been yanked from it's
its
socket. She had
trouble throwing punches because the shoulder bones rubbed against each
other. After a while, the soreness became unbearable. She took 30 seconds
thirty seconds
for
a breather. Time was of the essence. She resumed bounding up the side of the
shuttle.
The Knight paused at the cargo bay. The call was coming from within. He
searched the hull. Finally he found the exterior access. A small keypad. So
what was the code? How many digits? On a hunch he punched in the date of the
first manned space flight. The massive doors slid open. The call was
stronger, it was
stronger; it was
coming from the reactor. No, not the reactor, between it and
reactor; from between it and
the side of the bay. A few minutes searching
minutes of searching
bought him a locket. A single
leap put him back outside the shuttle. A few minutes work
minutes of work
got him the code
that closed the cargo doors. Then he took off to join Jupiter.
--------------------------------
Jupiter stood at the top of the launch gantry. She could see for miles from
up here. The wind blew through her hair. She could smell the salt air in the
wind. Without a sound, the Knight arrived next to her.
"Anything?"
"Nope, nothing. Except this." Jupiter turned and studied the locket that the
Knight held in one hand.
New paragraph with 'Jupiter'
"What is it?"
"I'm not sure. But it called the Imperium Crystal. So it's important."
Jupiter put one hand out.
New paragraph with 'Jupiter' (chee, I sound like a broken record don't I?)
"I-I have to touch it." Her hand snapped out and closed around the locket
itself.
I don't think the word 'itself' is necessary.
Instantly, energy arced out from the locket and up her arm. She
glowed green for a moment, then it vanished.
She was now wearing armor. It was a metallic version of her usual outfit,
except that all the bows and stuff were gone.
Oooh, technical. To sound less sloppy, how about:
all the bows and frills were gone.
Where she used to have bare
skin, it was now covered in green metal.
Green metal now covered all the places where her skin had formerly been bare.
She fumbled with the catches to the helmet. With a slight sucking sound, the
helmet came off. She stared at it.
"If there is one, then there must be others." She looked up at the Knight.
Start a new paragraph with 'She'
"What makes you so sure?"
"A hunch, and a memory." Jupiter looked at him incredulously.
I'd start a new paragraph with 'Jupiter'
Unlike the
other scouts, David had no memories of the moon, no dreams. Luna couldn't
figure out if she had seen him before.
How about:
if she had ever seen him before.
Then again, Luna had said that the
Crystal Knight had been just a legend for the people of the Moon.
"A memory?"
Put this in with the previous paragraph.
The Knight didn't answer.
New paragraph with 'The Knight'
His attention was riveted on the prep
building at the other end of the launch site. Jupiter followed his gaze. A
van with the NASA logo on it was pulling in. Techs ran up with a plastic
tunnel, used to keep germs out. From where she stood, she couldn't see the
astronauts as they got out, but one of them had pinkish hair.
In the Prep
prep
building the astronauts were laughing and joking. Except for
Renee, "The american
Renee, "the American
astronaut with cotton candy for hair." At least that's
what they called her in the papers. Her real name was Rini, and she had the
power to flatten the entire Cape Canaveral Complex. Even now she could feel
the Negaforce twisting within her, begging to be used. She squashed it down.
There were more important things to worry about. She looked out the window at
the launch pad. Two glints shined
shone
>from the top of the gantry. Even from here,
she knew what they were. Sailor Jupiter, and that thrice-cursed Crystal
Knight. There was something different about Jupiter. Something powerful. The
lockets! They had found one of the lockets! With one activated she could feel
the others. Except for the one belonging to Moon. It was silent.
She made her way to a chair and sat down. She stretched her senses out.
I'd join those sentences:
and sat down, stretching her senses out.
(Lots of sentences in a row beginning with 'She' can get very boring very fast for the readers.)
She
could feel the strange magic of the bayou, the ancient power of the druids in
England, the wily and tricky magic of Ireland, the softer, yet rugged, magic
of Scotland, the coiled power of the Ninja in Japan, and the mind-magic of
the aborigines in Australia. The powers flowed and coalesced at various
points. Ayer's Rock, Stonhedge,
*giggle*
You mean, Stonehenge?
San Francisco, L.A., The Pacific Northwest,
New York, the north and south poles, and. . .from two points in Tokyo and. .
.interesting, another place in northern Japan . . .She
End of a sentence, therefore four dots:
Japan.... She
pushed past it all,
seeking the power of the moon, her moon, from her universe. There, the thread
There it was, the thread
that united the lockets. Dad had been stupid to bring them here. But he was
dead now, and there was no point in worrying about it.
She ran her mental fingers through the thread following
along the thread, following
it to each locket.
There. Jupiter, out on the gantry, and as she
gantry. As she
sensed it, her link to it
through it's
its
origin in her world snapped. She cursed softly, the
softly; the
armor must
have finished fusing to the locket from this world. Well, there was
were
always
the other ones . . .
End of a sentence, four dots.
Mercury, buried in the artic
arctic
wastes. Mars, a
in a
volcano in
the Pacific Ring of Fire. Venus, buried in England somewhere near the first
Stonhedge.
Stonehenge.
Uranus and Neptune
's lockets
were both in the same place, buried at the foot
of a tree in a L.A. cemetery. Saturn
's
was somewhere on the grounds of the
Vietnam memorial. Pluto
's
was in Big Ben somewhere, close to the gears, and all
gears. All
seven were slowly fusing with their counterparts. But Moon's was silent, the
silent; the
thread that connected it to Mercury was snapped. That meant the locket was
disguised and in use.
She smiled. After they had the reactor, she would personally hunt down each
locket and destroy it. Whoever had the moon locket was in for a nasty
surprise.
--------------------------------
Jupiter looked down and swallowed, the
swallowed; the
astronauts were right below them,
entering the shuttle. The Black Lady passed beneath them. Jupiter kept
herself as still as she could, calling upon all her martial Arts training, to
martial arts training to
keep herself calm, still, and silent.
Beside her, the Knight Crouched
crouched
with an inhuman stillness. It still amazed
her how reptilian he could be at times. There were still powers to the
crystal that were being discovered.
that had yet to be discovered.
The last of the astronauts entered and
the door swung closed.
The Knight's fingers closed around the beam,
a beam,
making a slight impression in
the steel. Jupiter looked over at him.
"They'll be launching soon. We have to stop them." The Knight nodded.
New paragraph at 'The Knight'
"Tell me something I don't know." Lita rolled her eyes.
New paragraph at 'Lita'
Is there a reason why you've suddenly had them switch to real names, potentially
blowing their cover were anyone to be listening?
"Great. Now tell me David.
me, David.
Just how do we stop a multi-ton steel plane that
is about spew a sun out of it's ass?!
its ass?"
(Never end a sentence with double punctuation.)
"A Sun?"
sun?"
"Large Bonfire?"
bonfire?"
"Better."
"Thanks."
"We Move."
move."
With that statement, the Knight leaped from his perch and bounded
down the gantry and into the cargo bay. Jupiter followed, sliding right
through the hole he had made. The Alarms
alarms
finally noticed that there was a
hole in the shuttle's skin and began screaming.
Then that the
Then the
Negaverse burst in, howling like demons.
How about:
the Negaverse minions burst in, howling like demons.
Jupiter glimpsed the
terrified faces of the other 3 Astronauts
other three astronauts
before Rubius and Malachite slammed
her against the reactor. She wasn't the brightest of the scouts but
scouts, but
she knew
better then
than
to puncture the Reactor.
a reactor.
Running on experience, she kicked Rubius
in the crotch as he was the more dangerous of the two and
two, and
then snapped
Malachite's head with a right cross.
Rubius jumped her, pinning one arm behind her. She cursed under her breath,
breath.
"How the fuck did he recover so damn fast!" and focused on him,
She focused on him,
stomping his
shin, which loosened his grip enough for her to pull her arm free
shin. He loosened his grip enough for her to pull her arm free.
(In action scenes, short sentences are generally better than long ones.)
which she
jabbed into his ribs
She jabbed it into his ribs
and Judo threw him into the shuttle wall. Dazed, he
staggered, and she turned to deal with Malachite, who was already charging.
--------------------------------
He stood there in the crowd, near to the outer edges. Something was wrong. He
started edge away,
started to edge away,
to find somewhere where he could make the change. She laid
a hand on his arm, demanding to know where he was going. The lie flowed from
his lips and he vanished into the crowd before she could reply.
--------------------------------
The Knight was wrestling two ladies. On any other occasion, he would be
enjoying this, but these two were trying to kill him, which put a damper on
things.
--------------------------------
Jupiter slammed Rubius in the nose, attempting to drive it into his brain.
Malachite hissed and lunged. She ducked, using Rubius as a shield, even so,
shield. Even so,
the impact drove them back smashing
back, smashing
her against the reactor. She needed a
weapon. Before her eyes a display appeared. Charge 000 The numbers began to
I'd start a new paragraph here; something like this:
Before her eyes a display appeared:
Charge 000
The numbers began to
climb. She didn't know what the hell was going on, but it was something. She
could hear The Knight
the Knight
swearing vehemently. She elbowed Rubius in the ear and
Slammed
slammed
Malachite in the throat with her arm.
The Knight's hands glowed and an energy blast blew out the side of the
shuttle
shuttle,
causing more alarms to go off. It also caused the shuttle to lurch
dangerously. Lita almost lost her balance. She swore in three different
languages at the same time. Then they all fell out of the hole, as she
Everyone fell out of the hole. As Lita plummeted,
plummeted, something flashed past her, running up the side of the shuttle.
The Knight caught her and set her down.
How about:
Finally, the Knight caught her and set her down.
"You okay?"
"Yeah. Did you see who was running up the side of the shuttle?"
"Huh?"
At that moment, a third person landed in their midst. Lita gaped. It was a
sight to behold. The creature stood eight feet tall. Golden chest armor was
sculpted around massive chest and upper arm muscles.
It's a descriptive scene, so longer sentences are better. How about joining these last two
sentences together:
eight feet tall, with golden chest armor sculpted around its massive chest and upper
arm muscles.
Black leather fingerless
gloves fitted around Five-fingered
five-
hands. Green pants of some material
Why mention it if you don't describe it? Billowy material? Tight-fitting material?
Rough material? Shiny material?
wrapped around muscular legs. It wore no shoes....no,
Within a sentence. Three dots.
shoes... no,
it was wearing sandals
of some kind. What skin she could see was golden brown, and looked scaly.
It's
Its
silver hair was tied into dreadlocks, and the
its
helmet was some kind of
futuristic, flattened, full faced
full-faced
gas mask. It had an Astronaut
It was carrying an astronaut
under each
arm and a third hanging on it's neck.
arm, with the third hanging around its neck.
It set them all down and they ran for
it.
Rubius snarled and gave the newcomer both barrels. The creature didn't even
flinch. Jupiter blinked and the creature had moved the distance between it
and Rubius and Rubius was flat on his back, both hands covering his face.
In the time it took Jupiter to blink, the creature had covered the distance between itself
and Rubius. The Nega-moon minion (or Dark Lady's minion, or however you want to refer to
Rubius, as long as you don't just call him by name again) was flat on his back, both hands
covering his face.
Oh Bhudda,
Buddha,
how fast was this thing? The Knight was less astonished.
"And you are......."
Four dots. "And you are...."
"I am Hunter." It's
Its
voice was a raspy whisper. Lita's eyes narrowed as the
name sparked a childhood memory.
"Hunter? Then you are real."
I'd consider finding a way to portray emphasis on the word 'are'. Something like:
"Hunter? Then you ARE real."
"You have heard of me then."
of me, then."
"Who?" The Knight was staring at her and none of them noticed The Negaverse
noticed the Negaverse flunkies (or minions, or followers, or whatever)
listening intently.
"According to that
what
my Sensai told me, the Hunter is the Champion of the Red
Dragon Ninja clan. No Mortal
mortal
can stand against him in combat. As the story
goes," She paused to run the story through and come up with the modern
terms.
goes...." She paused, running the story through her head and trying to come up with
modern terms to replace the archaic ones.
"700 years ago an Alien ship
"Seven hundred years ago, an alien ship
(With numbers like this that you can write out in relatively few letters, it's also a good idea
to write them out. ONLY for big ugly numbers like 18729 or 343 are people allowed to use
the numbers instead of the letters.)
crashed into Feudal Japan. A Samurai
warrior witnessed the landing and watched the alien stagger out. Thinking it
a demon, the Samurai killed it in cold blood. As the body lay bleeding on the
ground, his comrades came running, as did the Clan Shaman. The Samurai by now
had realized his mistake, and was prepared to commit Seppuku
Baah, I give up. Go ahead, capitalize as many random words as you want. I don't care anymore.
to regain his
honor. For he had killed being that had been unable to defend itself.
killed a being that was unable
The Shaman
"The Shaman
(Start each new paragraph of a speech off with open quotes.)
had other ideas. He cursed the Samurai, his children and his
children's children."
"What was the curse?" The Knight by now was very interested.
"To assume the Alien's form." The Hunter stepped closer to them. "300 years
"Three hundred years
ago, one of the Hunters sought out a powerful Sorcerer, hoping to free
himself from the curse. He failed. The Sorcerer did manage to alter the curse
curse,
allowing the Hunter resume
to resume
his human form. Since then The
then, the
Hunter has
continued to serve the interests of the Red Dragon Ninja Clan." The Knight
absently made a note to work out the physics of this.
The Black Lady got to her feet. "MARTIN!" She screamed and a Mechanic, his
hair and thick mustache everywhere came out of the crowd.
"MARTIN!" she screamed. A mechanic, his hair and thick mustache flying everywhere,
came out of the crowd.
"Yes
"Yes,
Mistress?" The Black Lady smiled and patted his head.
New paragraph with 'The Black'
"Kill them."
"Yes Mistress."
"Yes, mistress."
Martin bulged everywhere then his clothes seem to explode as
Martin tripled in size.
His muscles bulged, and his clothes seemed to explode as he tripled in size.
(No need to repeat his name so much.)
Jupiter took a step back.
New paragraph with this sentence.
"He's a Freakin werewolf!"
freakin'
The Hunter lunged forward.
New paragraph with this sentence.
"I'll take him! You take the others!" As Hunter and Martin began to trade
punches, Jupiter tackled the Black Lady. The Knight whipped out his spear and
jammed Bertie in the eye, yanking it out and delivering a snap kick right
into Rubius's face. Malachite started to charge but was yanked back by
Nephrite.
"Going somewhere?" Asked
asked
Nephrite, Sword at the ready. Malachite drew his own
blade. "Only for your throat traitor!"
New paragraph starting from 'Malachite'
Jupiter's hands crackled with electricity and The Black Lady screamed and
convulsed as thousands of volts invaded her. So that's how it works. Bitchin.
Bitchin'.
(BTW, you should probably make it clearer that it's Jupiter thinking there.)
Jupiter concentrated and delivered another electric shock. This was fun! The
Black Lady smiled.
New paragraph at 'The Black'
"I can Deliver electric bolts too
too,
Sailor Bitch!" Her hands crackled with
energy and every muscle in Jupiter's body contracted at once. But the pain
was minimal.
She was surprised; the attack didn't hurt much at all.
Then she noticed that the power bar had reduced to nearly half.
had been reduced.
Right, she had to watch it, and the armor had it's limits.....and so does the
person wearing it....maybe they were connected.
Right; the armor had its limits... as did the person wearing it. Maybe they were connected?
She would have to ask Amy.
She flipped to her feet. That would be if they survived.
If they survived, that is.
The Lady came in
swinging with a shotokhan style low punch.
I'm sure that would mean ever so much to me... IF, that is, I knew what on Earth a
shotokhan style low punch was.
Jupiter knocked it aside with a
Low block of her own and Brought up her forearm intending
own, and brought up her forearm, intending
to slam it into her
throat.
into her enemy's throat.
That's when it sprouted spikes and the Lady ran right into them.
it sprouted spikes. The Lady ran right into them.
Reflexively, Jupiter stepped back and stared as the green
as green
blood bubbled out
of the Lady's mouth as she collapsed.
of the Black Lady's mouth while she collapsed.
She
Jupiter
(You've been using 'she' a lot recently.)
felt very queasy then the world
queasy at the sight; then, the world
went topsy turvy as Bertie tackled her and started tearing at her. For her
part, the gaping green gore-seeping crater where Bertie's eye had been
fascinated her. Focus girl!
Focus, girl!
she snapped at herself and
herself, and
cracked Bertie under
the jaw.
The Knight's judgment was beginning to fade from an
due to a
constantly building wave
of psychotic bloodlust. He was fighting it as best he could, but he was
losing. Then all judgment faded as Rubius gave him both barrels.
You used 'both barrels' before, and fairly recently too. Unless Rubius is using some kind of
gun, I'd find some other way to say what you mean.
The world
went red and David found himself back on the Volcanic hellhole. SHIT!
Jupiter and the Hunter found themselves back to back when the Knight let out
out a
bestial snarl and started tearing at Rubius.
"I assume from the way you tense that that snarl is not a good thing."
"I assume, from the way you just tensed up, that that
"No, it means he's gone psycho and will attack anything not Moon Kingdom."
"It means he's gone psycho. He'll attack anything not of the Moon Kingdom."
"In that case I believe me and my dancing partner shall change to something
more down-tempo." Hunter grabbed Martin and dragged him behind the launch
pad. Then a horrible metallic shriek ripped the air and the shuttle tilted
dangerously.
Her brain leaped into high gear. A plan leapt into her head. She didn't stop
to think it through or question where it came from. She acted.
"Nephrite! Teleport the shuttle off the boosters!" To his credit, Nephrite
disengaged and did as she said. "Now! Launch the boosters and the external
tank! Get them into space! Green
space!" Green
energy crackled from Nephrite's hands and
surrounded the external tank and boosters. With a thunderous roar, they
launched into the air. They didn't quite make it into space and curved back
down towards the ocean.
space, however, and they curved
The explosion sent a huge Tsunami towards them.
Nephrite sent a huge wall of energy forth and the wave broke against it.
Jupiter let out a sigh of relief as the energy wall fell. Luckily, the Coast
Gaurd
Guard
had cleared out the sea-going watchers when the fight had started. and
started, and
the Tsunami hadn't reached shore. The
Then
she was slammed to the ground as Bertie
leapt on her back. Enough was enough! Jupiter whipped around and boxed Bertie
on the side of the head. She tumbled to the floor. That's when the Knight
leapt onto Malachite. The wet sounds of ripping flesh reached her ears. Her
stomach twisted. Oh Bhudda,
Buddha,
she was going to barf. Then everyone vanished.
Slowly, the Knight seemed to grow saner.
"I did it again....didn't I?"
Within a sentence. Three dots.
Jupiter nodded.
New paragraph with this sentence.
"Yeah, but under the circumstances, I don't think it matters." Hunter stepped
up to them.
New paragraph starting with 'Hunter'
"Everyone okay?"
"No." Jupiter tore off her helmet and heaved into a convenient bucket. "Now,
I'm okay." A Nervous NASA official handed her a canteen. She drank
gratefully, swished the water around in her mouth and spit.
gratefully, swishing the water around in her mouth and spitting.
Then she took a
look around at the carnage that had been wrought and let out a low whistle of
astonishment. "Daaaaaammmm"
"Daaaaaammmmn...."
Nephrite materialized next to them and nodded his
agreement.
New paragraph at 'Nephrite'
"Most destructive, but the reactor is safe. I must get back, I
back; I
will return at
PM Japan time."
at XX PM, Japan time."
(Um, I think you forgot to actually pick a time and write it in.)
He vanished. Hunter nodded.
New paragraph starting at 'Hunter'
"I too must go." Then he was gone, bounding over the buildings. Jupiter
looked at the Knight.
New paragraph starting at 'Jupiter'
"I think we'd better go." She said
go," she said
quietly as she put her helmet back on.
"Agreed." He scooped her up and they flew away.
--------------------------------
Somewhere Else........
Four dots!
Rini, known to her enemies as The Black Lady, examined her throat in the
mirror. The wound was almost healed and there would be no scar. The others
had similarly healed their wounds. Martin had returned with them and seemed
much happier in his new form. She walked to the window and looked out over
what she knew as Charwar. This was this universe's version of Earth....and it
Three dots.
was dying. Her father had told her the tale. Of how the
her the tale of how
inhabitants of
Charwar mastered
had mastered
the hidden powers of the brain quickly and exploded forward
technologically at an incredible rate.
Now Charwar was dying, the sun was dying and the inhabitants needed new
sources of Energy.
dying; its sun was dying, and its inhabitants
So they turned to the other dimensions, found Earth, and the Senshi.
dimensions, where they found Earth and its protectors the Senshi.
It had
been so easy to defeat them. Charwar had gone forth and raped that Earth.
They were still doing it.
Then Seekay had appeared.
At first they thought he was just been a
he was just a
wanderer from the other Charwar.
Then he had quietly convinced Father that he should rule. Father had killed
Beryl. Then she had killed Father, not realizing that her father had set
Seekay up as Regent. Seekay had been quick to seize power. He consolidated
his power very quickly and killed any who spoke out against him. Seekay was
very fond of killing. He had a wall in his personal quarters. Mounted on it
quarters; mounted
were the heads of those who opposed him.
who had opposed him.
He talked to them.
He talked to those heads.
Now she served him, because she knew what would happen to her if she failed
him. He had proof of what would happen.
So she served him, but she didn't have to like it.
An Aide came up to her and handed her a piece of paper. Ah, the results of
the scanners she had left at Cape Canaveral for the purpose of recording the
results on the crowd when the planned sabotage of the reactor went off.
Wow, what a long sentence! *applause*
Ah, readings from the scanners she'd left back at Cape Canaveral. Their original
purpose had been to record the reactions of the crowds during the planned sabotage
of the reactor.
But
they had served a another purpose. Albeit
purpose, albeit
an unintentional one. They had
scanned the Armor of Jupiter, The Knight, and that Hunter.
Now what did they discover?
had they discovered?
Oh my, that was interesting. She scanned the
graphs again, just to be sure.
Oh yes, that was interesting.
Very interesting.
--------------------------------
Epilogue
Lita bit into the Cheeseburger.
"Oh, this is good."
"Yeah." David bit into his own meal with gusto. "Good old Artery-hardening
American food." Lita shoved a few more French fries into her mouth. This was
great. Bad as Hell for her, but good nonetheless. She glanced around and two
around as two
more people entered. Two teenagers. One was a guy, short, a bit thick around
the middle, but bright, intelligent eyes. The other was a girl, extremely
attractive. Both had asian-american features though it was more obvious on
her then him.
One was a guy; short, a bit thick around the middle, but with bright, intelligent eyes.
The other was an extremely attractive girl. Both had Asian-American features, though it
was more obvious on her than on him.
"Come on Max,
on, Max,
you disappeared and missed all the craziness. It was battle. I
It was a battle.
saw a Senshi!" The Girl really seemed earnest.
"The Senshi are an Urban Legend Janet."
legend, Janet."
The guy dug some money out of his
pocket. "There is no proof that they exist. All you have is
are
some Newspaper
clippings from your cousins about some sightings." He looked at the Cashier.
"Two number fours."
"Then how do you explain monsters, the destruction of the top levels of
Tokyo's Starlight Tower, and the wreckage of an Apartment building?"
"Mass Hallucination and Terrorists."
"Terrorists? It was the Senshi! You saw that News footage of Sailor Moon."
"A Stunt by some movie company."
"I don't understand you Maxwell," He flinched.
you, Maxwell."
"You seem perfectly willing to
believe in the Hunter," she continued, "but not the Senshi. Why?"
"It's not that I don't believe in them, I just don't really accept your
explanation for their existence. Aliens fighting extradimesional
extradimensional
superpowered
terrorists who are after our energy? No. I love you dearly, but that answer
belongs in an Anime series, not real life."
not in real life."
Lita and David hid smiles behind their cheeseburgers. She
The girl
made a frustrated
sound and stalked off to the bathrooms. The guy let his gaze drift around the
room and for an instant his eyes locked with her and David's,
Lita's and David's
then moved on.
The Cashier handed him the tray of food and he made his way to a table. As he
passed by them, he nodded to each of them.
he nodded.
(You don't really need the rest of that sentence.)
Lita winked back and he smiled.
"You look better out of that armor." He said
armor," he said
in a low voice. Lita just smiled.
New paragraph starting at 'Lita'
"Thank you."
--------------------------------
"Contact with the Immortal One has been made."
"Continue Monitoring."
Many interesting developments going on here. Your spelling and grammar
are generally good.
However....
This seems to be a small part of a much longer multi-part alternate-universe fanfic.
You should label it as such, and provide links or at least some directions to the earlier parts.
You really need to restrain yourself when handing out capital letters. Very few
words in the middle of sentences should ever be capitalized.
Make sure, when writing dialogue, that sentences about a specific character's
actions/reactions are part of the same paragraph as their own speech. It makes
things MUCH less confusing for the reader.
You should be a bit more liberal with your commas, especially in characters' speech.
Ellipses within sentences get three dots. Ellipses at the ends of sentences get
four dots (three dots plus a period).
The character of David seems to be a pretty good example of a Mary Sue. A character
who comes out of nowhere, has the girl of his choice fall in love with him, and everyone
listens to him because (of course) he's super-intelligent and can do no wrong. I don't
suppose you'll consider changing any of that, though....
Hope that helps!
Megan Jones kunitori@licensedtokill.com
A Midsummer Night's WebSite: http://i.am/midsummer
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