Hi! Just in the mood of sending some C&C.
All C&C strictly IMO.
TRAUMA
A Ranma � Fanfic by Tracy Garnett AKA Crikit
Day 1
Welcome to the wonderful world of the funny farm, otherwise known as the
mental health ward. Everyone who's in here has some sort of mental
problems,
some minor like Eimi who suffers from school phobia to others that are
more
problems. Some are minor, like Eimi, who
phobia. Others
severe like the new girl that just got here a few days ago. The only
people
severe, like
who know what's wrong with her are the doctors and the nurses, and they
aren't saying. There are however a few rumors going around the ward
though.
You can use either �however�or �though�, but not both.
One rumor is that she saw everything she cared about get destroyed in a
fire, while everyone that she cared about got violently murdered. While
another rumor is that her fianc�e ran off with someone else, then again
there is also a rumor going around that she's actually a he. That one is
obviously a lie; I mean how can a girl who looks that good be a guy?
While another? Maybe you should drop the maybe. ^_^
else. Then
mean,
Oh well whatever happened to her, it effected her in a bad way. She won't
Oh, well. Whatever
talk, doesn't really eat and if anybody even attempts to touch her she
freaks out, the staff have had to sedate her more then once since she got
out. The
here, just so the docs can examine her. Oh, and she has the odd aversion
to
hot water, won't touch the stuff.
water. Won�t
Bored, bored, bored. That's the one thing about being in here, when you
most
want something to do you don't have anything, and when you want to be left
alone they make you talk. What's this? A visitor, I wonder who she's here
to
see.
Ah looks like I'm about to get my answer. The nurse leaves the desk and
Ah, looks
slowly makes her way across the room; it looks like shes heading towards
the
she�s
new girl. She is, interesting she's been in here a couple of days and
gets
is. Interesting, that she�s
or
is. Interesting. She�s
a visitor while I've been here a few months and have seen no visitors. Oh
Oh,
well, I'm just wondering how the nurse is going to handle this, informing
the girl of her visitor I mean.
"Saotome" the nurse's voice carries across the room towards me.
"Saotome." The
So that's the girls name, or last name at least.
name--or
"Saotome, you have a visitor." Still no response.
The nurse reaches out a hand to touch the girl, big mistake lady. So far
girl. Big mistake, lady.
five people have touched her and so far she's gone postal five times.
Guess
her,
she'll learn that in a few minutes. The nurse's hand slowly gets closer to
Saotomes shoulder and as it does Saotome shrinks in the corner until she
can
Saotome�s
does,
move no more. That's when it happens, the nurses hand lightly touches
happens:
Saotomes shoulder sending the girl over the edge, and the staff and
patients
Saotome�s
running. The other girl who was waiting quietly at the desk until she was
told otherwise hears the commotion and runs towards it, not from it. Just
as
she reaches the corner Saotome is drawing her hand back ready to slam it
in
corner,
to the nurse.
The girl steps in between Saotome and the nurse, eyes locked on the
clenched
fist. "RANMA!!!"
The cry seems to have had some effect, as Ranma.I'm guessing that's her
name.slowly drops her arm to her side and sinks back in to the corner, the
Ranma--I�m
name--slowly
corner. Odd sobs escape
else:
odd sob escapes her but nothing else, no words, no tears, just sobs. The
girl who called out follows suit making sure that her hands are visible.
I�m not sure whta you meant with this last sentence.
Meanwhile the offending nurse slowly slinks back to the desk, avoiding the
Meanwhile,
offending? Why? Did she know she shouldn�t have touched her?
stares of her coworkers.
co-workers (I think).
I move forward a bit so I can hear the limited conversation that is going
on
in the opposing corner. The brunette is quietly whispering while the red
whispering, while
head just stares at her with blank blue eyes.
"Ranma, it's me Akane"
Ranma. It�s me, Akane.
Okay, I now have names Ranma Saotome and Akane.. Akane well her last name
and Akane... Akane. Well, her
isn't important, not to me anyway. Names aren't really any help to me
important--not
though; I want to know what happened, what this Ranma chick is in for,
what
Drop the though.
was so bad that it sent her over the deep end.
"Kasumi's alright Ranma, and she knows you didn't mean for it to happen.
We
all know that, of course daddy isn't ready to forgive you yet. Don't worry
though, we're working on him. Um"
that. Of
Um."
Could they be sisters? Nah, they don't look anything a like. So they
aren't
alike
sisters, then what are they? Friends? Lovers? Oh yes that's what they are,
Perhaps:
then what? Friends?
Oh, yes, that�s
lovers, and Ranma caught Akane with this Kasumi chick together and went
off
are: lovers. Ranma
the deep end, did some damage to Kasumi and ended up in here. That's it
it,
everything is solved, I am a friggin' genius. Wait where does the dad come
solved. I�m
Wait. Where
in? Okay, that theory's out the door, next!
door. Next!
"I better be going Ranma, daddy doesn't know I came here and I really
don't
Ranma. Daddy
want him to find out." Akane takes her time standing up, for a second it
looks like she's going to give the other girl a hug but changes her mind.
Not that I blame her, "Bye."
mind--not
her.
I keep looking between the two girls as Akane walks away. Ranma remains
motionless, staring off in to space with her hollow eyes. When she reaches
the door Akane looks back at Ranma once, I can see a small tear running
down
door, Akane
once. I
her cheek. must be hard, seeing a friend in a place like this with all us
Must
freaks. I wait until she leaves the ward to look back at Ranma, and what I
see is a real surprise. For a second I see something in her eyes, eyes
that
For a second,
Don�t repeat eyes. Maybe:
eyes--the same ones that are...
Or something.
are usually hollow and cold. It's a sadness that I've never seen before,
not
even with the manic depressives, it's so intense that I force myself to
look
maniac-depressives? I really don�t know.
depressives. It�s so
away, and when I look back again the eyes are back to being hollow.
Oh, time to go.it's suppertime and I really don't want to miss it. It's
pudding day
go. It�s
supper-time?
Missing period at the end.
Overall: Punctuation is BAD, but I really like the premise for this fic.
This idea--well written--might be pure gold. I�ll be eagerly waiting for the
next chapter.
Hope this helps. Bye and good luck,
Latin_D