A Ranma 1/2 Feature Presentation
"The Good, The Bad, and the Uncute"
(Ranma 1/2 is copyrighted by Viz Communications. C&C would be
appreciated.)
Act I
(The scene fades in, and we see a tough hombre riding a very black
horse. We pan up, and we see the saddle, skinny legs, and...short hair.
She glares around, and we could see it's Akane Tendou. The famous "The
Good, The Bad, & the Ugly" theme playing in the background. She rides
over various rugged Western terrain for four minutes and then meanders
into a typical Western Town, with the wide streets and flimsy buildings.
Suddenly a boy stops her before she could continue. Akane looks at the
boy...it's Ryouga Hibiki. He flips his chaff of wheat over from the
right to left side of the mouth.)
Ryouga: Sorry, ma'am. I've gotta take your horse. This here's a one
horse town, and your horse would make it two.
Akane: And why should I let you do that?
Ryouga: Cause it's the law around here. (Akane looks rather upset.)
Akane: And what kind of a law is that?
Ryouga: It's th' law, that's all. Tain't nothin'.
Akane: I see. Well, what do you do with the horses?
Ryouga: Take it to our local indian expert. He's been tryin' to map out
a bunch of springs around here.
Akane: Springs?
Ryouga: Yeah, they're magical springs. Turns animate objects into other
kinds of animate objects. Can get kinda hairy.
Akane: I see...but my horse an' I have been together since the pervert
uprising of '77. I'm kinda fond of him.
Ryouga: Well, you'll hafta ask the sheriff 'bout that. (He points to the
Sheriff's office/jail where Ranma just so happens to walk out the door.)
I'm just his deputy.
Akane: I see. (Ryouga, Akane, and Akane's horse meander towards the
Sheriff, who's standing in a stork-like position.)
Ranma: Yeah? What do ya want?
Akane: I must protest about this one-horse town rule.
Ranma: It's been law here for quite some time, and will continue to be
that away until all of the springs are mapped.
Akane: And why is that? (Ranma splashes water on him and Ryouga. Instant
girl and pig.)
Ranma: We're cursed. Right, P-chan?
P-chan: Yep. We're cursed. He fell into the Spring of Drowned Girl, and
I fell into Spring of Talking Pig. Taint nothin'.
Ranma-chan: Shame, too. I'm not likin' being a girl, especially the
little red-head girl. That danged fool Charlie Brown keeps chasing after
me.
P-chan: At least you haven't been chased by the Mayor.
Akane: Mayor? (Giggles) Shouldn't he know something about that?
Voice: Ah, as Mayor of this fine town, I declare my love for the
Pig-tailed Goddess! (The camera spins around while Akane looks
amused...it's Kuno, wearing a typical rich-man's suit, draping a
red,white, & blue sash with the word, Mayor of Nermia.
Akane (laughing): Ha! He's your mayor?
Ranma-chan: Will be 'til the Amazon Tribe comes for their annual
scalping. (Akane raises an eyebrow.)
Akane: Scalping?
P-chan (whittling away some stone): Yep. We've got a vicious gang of
indians, lead by the old wise woman named Cologne. We've come to an
agreement that the the tribe won't attack the town and take all of the
men and force the women into working at their restaurant as long as one
man is scalped each year. So, we elect the dumbest men we could find and
patiently wait until they come. Taint nothin'. (The stone is now a
statue of Aiko, of Project A-ko fame.)
Ranma-chan: She's a very wise Shaman. Taught me everything I know about
how to annoy the local Amway salesperson.
Kuno: Forsoothe! Verily, we have a new visitor to Town! And she's the
angelic woman I've have...(Suddenly, Akane pulls out a gun and fires
towards Kuno. He dances around her gunfire until she get him in the leg.
He face turns pale and looks scared.) Verily, I have been shot. (Akane
grins.)
Akane: Good. Now Shaddup! Well, I can see that I have work to do here.
Ranma-chan: But, you're not the hero. I am.
Akane: Says who?
Ranma-chan: Well, it's clear, I'm the main hero. You're the damsel I
have gotta save.
P-chan (rolling his eyes): You say that to all the women that come into
town.
Ranma-chan: Well it's true! Besides, when was the last time a girl was
not abducted by someone dasterdly fella?
Another voice: Hey! Sheriff! We want the girl on the horse!
Another-Another voice: And the horse too!
(Everyone turns around. There's Herb, Lime, and Mint, wearing typical
bad-guy western black clothing. Only Herb's riding a horse.)
Mint: Yeah! Especially the horse! I hate that I have to walk everywhere!
Lime: No, I want the horse!
Herb: Quiet you two! (To Ranma-chan) Well, I see you're a girl at this
moment, so there's nothing that can stop me from taking this girl.
Ranma-chan (to Akane): See what I mean?
(Akane gets off her horse and gets into a martial arts position.)
Akane: Well, I ain't that kind of a girl. (to Herb) Mister, I don't know
what you want with me. Actually, if I was really a boy, I wouldn't want
me.
Herb: But your cute, an purdy, and a perfect DNA match to me. We'll have
the perfect children.
Akane: Yeah, if you weren't so dang in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Sorry, but I hafta take a rain check on this, dude. (She places her
hands on her hips, where her guns are.)
Herb: Oooh...like I'm scared. (He gets off and prepares to defend
himself.) I bet you ain't seen anyone that fights as fast as me!
(Herb starts to attack. Akane pulls out a machine gun and fires at Herb,
Lime, and Mint, putting enough holes in them to make look like Swiss
Cheese. Ranma-chan and P-chan look impressed. Herb, Lime and Mint fall
over dead. Akane smiles. Ranma-chan's eyes are wide open.)
Ranma-chan: Wow. Wish I coulda done that.
Akane (smiling): Eh, 'tain't nothin'? After all, I ain't yet seen a
martial artist that could out manover a machine gun. You should see me
use my bazooka. (P-chan and Ranma-chan face-fault. Kuno falls over in a
pile of blood.)
(We switch over to an indian camp, where various girls are talking and
discussing while most of the men are working in the fields or being
flogged to death. We zoom in to see Shampoo and Cologne discussing
things while watching Mousse flogging a man to death.)
Shampoo: Oh, Great-Grandmother, I see you are nervous. What troubles
you?
Cologne: Shampoo, there is a woman that has entered the town. She's
good.
Shampoo: Does she fight well?
Cologne: No, but she has a lot of ammo and knows how to fire a gun
really good.
Shampoo: You mean I have to fight Priss? (Cologne face-faults. We hear a
man scream, then the sound of a something hitting the ground, and then a
groaning sound. Mousse enters into the picture from the right.)
Mousse (sounding bored): The man is dead. Should we take his
Mercedez-Benz?
Cologne: No, no...I've got plenty of Lexus Infinities already. You may
have it, Mousse. (He bows.)
Mousse: Thank you, although I don't think I could ever get a driver's
license. (He leaves.)
Shampoo: So, who is this woman?
Cologne: The woman's name is Tendou Akane, and she has a definate spunk
to her.
Shampoo: Should we make feel welcome into the Greater Nermia Springs
area?
Cologne (smiling): Of course. (Shampoo rises from her kneeling position
and runs away to the east...then comes the sounds of Shampoo screaming
as she is run over by a car! Cologne winces.) The girl never did look
both ways before crossing stream...
(Back in town, Akane wanders into the Nerima Inn. A typical Western inn,
complete with free in-room movies and telephone. She smashes the bell
with her mallet. A panda comes by.)
Panda (signing): [You rang?]
Akane: Um...yes. I like to have a room for the week.
Panda (flips sign over): [Week! Well, we've never had anyone stay that
long!] (flips sign) [Isn't that right, anata?] (Nodoka meanders over
from the corner where she's been looking outside the window for so
long.)
Nodoka (slowly, insanely): Well...we have a guest. Come...let..me take
your bags and show you to your room. (Akane flips out her two
six-shooters, looks sternly at Nodoka.)
Akane: Now, I taint no cotton pickin' fool. I've watched both version of
Psycho. You aren't gonna kill me and become like that stuffed panda
there. I think I know when I'm faced with Justin Bates...
Panda (sign): [Jason Bates] (flips sign) [And I am NOT stuffed!] (Akane
points the guns towards the panda.)
Akane: Now I know my movies! You don't hafta point it out, cutey bear!
I've got an inching of turning you from cute to very uncute, if ya know
what I mean.
Nodoka (drawing out her kitana in an insane fashion): Aaalrrighty
then...make me uncute. I dare ya!
(Then, the we switch camera to the one that's outside the hotel. There's
sounds of people fighting and shouting and lots of gunfire. Broken signs
and swords are flung out the window. Sounds of more violence continues.
Finally, after about a minute, we see Nodoka and the Panda being kicked
into a low earth orbit. The Panda pulls out a sign reading...)
Panda: [You know, I've experienced this with many co-stars, but never
with you.]
Nodoka (not pleased): Aw, shut up Genma. (She crosses her arms. They
fall downward. We hear them splash into the water. From the treeline, we
see Cologne looking intently towards where Genma & Nodoka landed and
looked back at Akane.)
Cologne: Well, Akane, you are certainly a girl to be reckoned with...
(Suddenly Akane turns and fires towards Cologne, hitting her and she
falls down from the tree.)
Akane (shouting): I hate dang-nabbit spyin' indians! Its sooo uncute!
(The "The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly themesong plays again while the
townsfolks comes out to see the indian leader, Cologne, deader than a
doornail in a coffin. The act fades to black.)
Intermission
Act II
(The scene fades into the typical Nermian whore house, where guys and
girls scamper around like little children, naked. A fluffy dressed girl
and a boy wearing a mailbox confer towards the front enterance. We see
that they are Nabiki Tendou and Tsubasa.)
Nabiki: What a week. The indian leader's dead. A woman's a hero, and the
Sheriff's sulkin'.
Tsubasa: Ah, he's mad about nothin'. Why, the girl was doing what he
could never do.
Nabiki (nodding): Plus he was in love with the leaders'
great-granddaughter Shampoo. Now she's the leader, and she's mad.
Tsubasa: Yeah...she's cleaning up this town...say isn't she related to
you?
Nabiki: Well, she's got the Tendou name, but I don't reckonize
her...give me 150 yen and a night's stand, and maybe I'll claim she's my
mother.
(Suddenly Akane busts in the place, and the naked people scream and fly
every which way.)
Akane: Now, I'm tellin' ya, sex is waaay over-rated! And uncute!
Nabiki: What are ya doin' scarin' up my clients like this!
Akane: I'm here to shut down yer operation, lady. You've been making a
profit every which way possible. And I'm especially mad at that! (Akane
points to a blackboard with a list of odds. The first couple reads,
"Odds that Akane will marry Ranma: 5-1...Odds that Akane will beat
Shampoo in an unfair fight: 7-1...Odds that this fic will end with
references to mooses, vikings, or canadians: 100-1...") Gamblin' is
definately uncute!
Nabiki (mimicking Akane): Uncute this, uncute that... (normal voice)
Lady, why are you so harped on this cute thing? I'm a girl, and even I
can't understand that...
Akane: Oh...you really want to know? (The crowd at the bordello nods.
Akane smiles cutely.) Okay!
(Akane pulls out a projector screen, a slide viewer, and starts clicking
away. The lights dim.)
Akane: It all began in 1951 with (Click! Anime Picture of a boy flying)
Astro Boy. He was cute, but research found that boys would rather have
lobotomies than to be cute. But, the girls found him definately cute and
more date-able than most boys their age. After much experimentation,
cuteness became enshrined with kitties. Even today, kitties are selected
from animal shelters for the sole purpose to be permanently cute. The
60's (Click! Picture of a kitten wearing a tuxedo.) saw the beginings of
cute fashion with the rage of dressing little baby animals in humans
clothing regardless whether any ASPCA laws were violated. Then came the
70's and (Click! Another kitty picture, but this one is a drawing)
Doremon. He was the king of cuteness, but research found that in order
for true cuteness to emerge, it had to be a femalish drawing, and it
should have bright colors. Thus, came...(Click! Anime Kitty with a bow.)
Hello Kitty! The world's most cutest kitty! Even today, millions of
little girls come to Hello Kitty shrines to sacrifice themselves, their
parents, three goats and a sheep, and all of their bank accounts to be
as cute as Hello Kitty. But in the 80's, the title of cuteness went from
cats to people as...(Click! Sailor Moon pic) Sailor Moon dominated the
minds of little cute girls. Today, the cuteness comes from a variety of
sources including...(Click! Picture of Backstreet Boys.) American Boy
bands to..(Click! Pikachu pic) Pokemon to even (Click! Picture of Utena)
cute snobbish girls who wouldn't know what to do if their boyfriends
left them for a nano-second. Thus, this is the evolution of cute, from a
boy to a kitty to a girl, and to merchandising. (The Projector stops
running. The lights are turned on.) Now do you understand?
Nabiki: Um, what does this all have to do with cuteness anyway?
Akane (in a snobbish tone): Cuteness isn't just a look, it's a way of
life. (growling) Now come on, girl, I'm gonna make ya cute if I hafta
feed it into ya!
Nabiki: Okay, go ahead...make my day!
(Suddenly, Akane gets this evil grin.)
Akane: I have a better idea, I'll make ya cute using genetical
enhancements! (Nabiki looks at Akane in horror.)
Nabiki: W-w-wait! Y-y-you can't be serious!
Akane: Of course I'm serious! It's the next thing in cuteness, being
genetically altered to be cute forever! Of course, this means you can't
age and you'll end up like one of those "Mermaid Scar" characters, but
hey, it's a small price to pay for cuteness! (Nabiki screams in horror.)
(We switch over to a fuming Ranma Saotome.)
Ranma (looking at the camera): Hi, I'm suppose to be the star of this
show...(Shampoo glomps on Ranma.)
Shampoo: And airen can still be star of show, as soon as I kidnap airen
and drag him over for Amazon wedding. (Ranma gulps.)
Ranma: Um...Shampoo, I love you and such, but I don't know about getting
married. I mean...
Shampoo (bear-hugging Ranma): Airen...it won't be that bad. We get
married and then we sacrifice two virgins!
Ranma: S-s-sacrifice two virgins?! Where are we going to get two
virgins?!
Shampoo: We can take Bandana Boy and Violent Girl. Or at least have them
come to us.
Ranma (starting to big-sweat): Um...I-I-I don't know about this...
Shampoo (sighs): Well, Shampoo can't let airen waver on his love with
Shampoo...(She grabs Ranma and takes her back to the Indian village.)
(We return to the whore house. Everyone else looks in horror as a
new-and cuter Nabiki appeared. For one thing, her hair is very wavy and
curvy. Blue, too. She has blue hair. Her eyes are a bit larger, and she
is a little taller and a bit skinnier. It also helps that her boobs are
a slightly bit bigger, for the cuteness effect. However, Nabiki is not
happy. In fact, she crying in a cute kind of way. Sniffling.)
Nabiki: Noooo! I'm cute!!! (Akane examines her.)
Akane: Yep. You are now definately cute, with cute attitude to match.
Nabiki: Attitude?! Attitude?!
Tsubasa: Wow...she really is cute.
Akane: Yep, for example if I did this...(She rips Nabiki's clothes off.
Nabiki squeals and covers herself with tatters.)...you'd do what you
just did. But, if I give you a nice dress...
(Akane give Nabiki a very nice girlish blue dress with ruffles and lace
splattered all over the place. The dress has more bows than you'd find
under the world's largest indoor Christmas tree. Nabiki hugs the dress
and puts it on.)
Nabiki: Wai! (She big-sweats and covers her mouth. Akane smiles.)
Akane: You'd do that, say "wai" and smile. (Nabiki smiles.) Now that's
being cute.
Nabiki: B-b-but you messed with the order of things! You tampered with
my...my...achoo! (Suddenly a pair of wings, yellow and orange in a
cute-looking design appear.) Wings?! You put wings on me!!! (Akane
starts to big-sweat.)
Akane: Heh, heh, heh...so that's what I did with the last of the
Butterfly DNA...at least you don't have to worry about going into a
cocoon!
(Ryouga meanders into the whore house. He looks around at the naked
people, shrugs, gets a bloody nose and faints. Everyone looks at the
unconscious Ryouga.)
Akane: Aw, geeze, and just when I was startin' to have fun messing
around with the town folks, I gotta play hero again. (Akane goes over
and slaps Ryouga a couple of times.)
Ryouga: Huh? Huh? Wha? Oh...it's you ma'am...(he looks around, gets
wide-eye) and a whole lot of naked people...
Akane: Oh, no you don't. Now tell me, what's the problem?
Ryouga: Well...I have a this passionate desire to go trist out in th'
woods out there, except I have no idea what trist means...
Akane (sighing): Besides that.
Ryouga: Well, the new Indian Chieftess, Shampoo, has kidnapped the
Sheriff. (Everyone gasp.) Oh, come on! Who didn't see that one comin'?
(Pretty much everyone raised his/her hands.) Thought so. Well, I suppose
we need a plan, so I reckon you've gotta go up and face the girl
one-on-one. (Ominous music plays.)
Akane: Well...(She stands up and adjusts her Calamity Jane-like outfit
in a cute fashion.) alright, I'm goin' to go up and save the Sheriff.
But if he doesn't wanna be saved, I'll let the girl kill him! (She
leaves. Nabiki starts to cry as Ryouga looks thunderstruck at her.)
Ryouga: Miss Neko, what happened to you?
Nabiki: D-d-don't you call me neko! (She starts to cry even harder.)
Ryouga: B-b-but what happened to you? (He starts to go over and comfort
her.)
Nabiki: That witch...Akane...she make me cute forever! I'll never die
ugly!
Ryouga: That dang girl! She...she...wanna go out on a date? (Nabiki
stops crying and looks at Ryouga in an angrily but cute way.)
Nabiki: WHAT?!
Ryouga: Well, you've never looked any cuter, and since I dig cute girls,
I wonder if you wanna date...you know, you and me? (Nabiki slaps
Ryouga.)
Nabiki: Wwwhy, I've never been so insulted in my life! (Ryouga blushes
and lowers his head.)
Ryouga: Gomen. (He lifts up his head.) So, is 5 o'clock tomorrow fine?
Nabiki (in a calmer voice): Sure. We could go out to that waterfall. You
and I, and i'll make sure you don't get wet.
Ryouga: That would be great. (He smiles.) I'll see you there.
Intermission
Act IV
(We see Akane, riding her horse, towards the Amazon Indian Camp. The
girls are all doing a powwow while Mousse and the men sit in circles
near the stream cleaning the camp's fine china. Shampoo comes out,
dragging a tied up Ranma. Akane gets off her horse, and the horse goes
to the stream and helps dry the china.)
Akane: So...we meet, girl. (squints) You know, you remind me of someone
I once knew.
Shampoo: Who?
Akane: Ever heard of Soleil Moon Frye?
Shampoo: Yes, so?
Akane: You remind me of her, before her first boob reduction job.
Shampoo: Hey! Shampoo thinks those are words of fighting.
Akane: Yeah, them's fightin' words. So, whatcha gonna do about that?
Shampoo: Shampoo propose contest. See who's best at something.
Akane: Okay. That sounds good. What do you suggest?
Shampoo: Shampoo not know. What do you suggest, violent girl?
Akane: Hmm...I know (she grins) a cooking contest!
(Everyone gasps.)
Shampoo (looking puzzled): What do you propose?
Akane: Each of us cooks something, and we taste each other's dish. The
one who can't resist the other one's dish wins.
Shampoo: Alright...sounds good. And suppose violent girl's cooking kills
Shampoo?
Akane: Kills you? Why, sounds like you've been readin' the script, girl!
Shampoo (mumbling): Rats...you've noticed.
Akane: Good, so, let's...
Ranma (who's all tied up): Hold it, hold it! Shouldn't I be the one
to...
Akane: Who asked you? Besides, I saw what was originally on the script
and beat up the author to make the changes!
Ranma (glaring at Akane): That would explain a lot of things...
Shampoo: Quiet, husband! (to Akane) Let's cook!
(So...they start to cook. Each girl makes something from scratch, and a
variety of scenes zooms by showing each girl making something. Soon, we
see the girls, holding something behind their backs, as they face each
other. Everyone else in the indian camp look in terror.)
Shampoo: Okay...Shampoo goes first. Behold! A pinapple salad! (She does
in fact hold out a lovely JELL-O pink salad sprinkled with pinapple
bits. Akane looks incredlously at Shampoo.)
Akane: Damn. Say, where did you get that pineapple?
(We quickly switch over to the Mayor's office, where Takewaki, Kodachi,
and Sasuke are dancing around while Principal Kuno-sans-pineapple is
slumped over, a huge bloody dent covering the forehead.)
Kuno, Kodachi & Sasuke (singing): Ding, ding the witch is dead!
(Switching back to the Amazon Indian tribe, we see Akane eating the
slimy geletan molds filled with pineapple while everyone else looks away
disgustedily.)
Akane (smiling): Wow...that's very, very tasty. Now, behold my creation!
The world's only five-layer fruitcake! (She whips out five stacks of
fruitcake, each stack a bit smaller than the first. Everyone looks at
the structure in horror.)
Ranma: Good gods! And it's not even in season!
Akane: Absolutely! Now, taste! (Shampoo tastes the fruitcake. She looks
shocked as she eats more and more of it.)
Shampoo: Aiya! It's delicious! And tasty! (Gobbles the whole thing up.)
A-a-a-and I can't stop eating it!
Akane (acting surprised): Why, do you really like it!
Shampoo: Yes! It's better than my creation! (She stops eating, realizing
what she has just said.) Aiya...Shampoo loses. (in a quiet voice)
Violent girl beats Shampoo at Shampoo's game. (perky) Can Shampoo finish
fruitcake and get recipe?
Akane (laughing): Sure, if you just stop saying your name all the time,
sure!
Shampoo (looking at Ranma): Sorry, airen...but Akane won fair and
square. I'm sorry, but she'll have to marry you.
Ranma (screaming, crying): Are you kidding? I wouldn't marry
this...(Akane pulls her guns and points 'em at Ranma.) Heh...heh...
Akane (smirking): You were saying?
Ranma: Um...do I have to wear a tux?
(The scene fades into a typical Western church. Ranma, wearing a snazzy
tux and Akane, wearing a frilly white dress has turned around as Kasumi
stands in front of them. Beside Akane is Ukyou, and the newly ultra-cute
Nabiki. The girls are wearing pink-frilly dresses. Next to Ranma is
Ryouga and Mousse, both wearing tuxes.)
Kasumi (wearing a minister's outfit): By the power that's invested in
niceness, order, and Kami-sama, I pronounce you man and cute wife. You
may now kiss the bride. (Ranma leans over to kiss, but Akane slaps him.)
Akane: Ranma, dear, you were heading towards Nabiki.
Ranma: Sorry...I can't help she's genetically cuter than you! (Akane
glares at Ranma; Ranma cowers in fear, as well as the rest of the people
in the church. Then Akane laughs...and everyone hesitatently follows
suit.)
End.