Mike and Crow came back from the theater, looking more than a bit
dragged out. Tom, on the other hand, still looked entirely chipper
as he motioned to what looked like a potted plant that was on the
desk of the SOL. "Hey guys, look at what I found outside!"
Mike inspected the plant up close. "What *is* it, Tom?"
Tom replied, "It's just a harmless little plant, you worrywart!
Besides, it's cute and told me that it was hungry. I'm going to name
it 'Skyler'!"
"Why?" Crow asked.
"Well... because it's hungry! And when I met it, it was rather
talkative too..."
Crow looked at the plant and turned to Tom. "What would something
like this *eat*?"
"Oh, I dunno. All it said was that it was hungry or something."
Suddenly, the plant shook and in a low bass voice yelled, "FEED
ME!"
Mike and Crow were shaken up by the voice and backed away. "Tom!
Is that what it kept saying?!"
"I believe so," was the answer.
"We have to get it out of here and fast! Throw it out of the
airlock!!"
As Mike took the plant and pitched it from the Satellite, the
Satellite itself quaked mightily.
Tom exclaimed, "Mike! What in blue blazes did you do?!"
"I don't know! Cambot, give me rocket number 9!"
The display showed a small shuttlecraft that had crashed on the
side of the satellite. Pink smoke roiled from it to be lost in the
voids of space. Suddenly, there was a knocking on the outside of the
hull just under the airlock.
"Don't answer it Mike! It could be that plant!" Crow hollered as
the lights almost completely went out.
Mike armed himself with an available thin steel railing and opened
the airlock. A man in a space helmet and a red jumpsuit marked
'Gizmonic' came up from the airlock and stood up.
"Ahh!! It's Joel's ghost!" Tom yelled.
"Correction... it's Joel." Joel pulled off the helmet and ran a
hand through his tousled hair. He gave a sleepy grin and both robots
rushed over to him.
"Joel!"
"Welcome back, Joel," Mike said as he held out his hand. Joel
shook it as the lights on the bridge went crazy. "Do you want to do
the honors?" Mike asked.
"No, they're all yours."
"We have fic sign!!"
___________
(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the
bottom)
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps
you inside)
(Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom took the fourth seat from
the right, as Mike sat next to him. After that came Joel, and Crow sat
in the far right seat.)
Tom: Wow, Joel... it's great to have you back!
Joel: Why thanks, little buddy.
They started towards the main building, and Skyler realized Anthy
hadn't said anything in quite a long time.
Mike: Because, of course, Skyler never stops.
Tom (Skyler): "And that is the story of the Great State of
Minnesota... oh, were you going to say something?"
In fact, as soon as she'd gotten up and gotten her belongings in
order, she'd started towards the school again as if nothing had
happened
Tom (Anthy): "Get *away* from me, Sulkyr!"
"I didn't mean to ignore you, Himemiya-san."
"It's quite all right," the dark-skinned girl assured.
"I expect I'll be meeting quite a number of new people today. My
old school was very small."
Crow: Aaah! Does he ever stop?
Joel: Maybe to come up for air every once in a while?
Mike: We finally found the SI's holy powers... he never has to
breathe!
"Really? How nice."
Crow: Anthy, we feel your pain.
Joel: You know, every school's got one...
Crow: But even they want to keep their ears!
She continued walking at a brisk but relaxed pace, leaving Skyler
and Nanami just slightly behind.
Tom: Because, of course, her boots were made for walking...
Crow: And that's exactly what she'll do...
Nanami shook her head sadly.
Tom: And after completing said maneuver, put her head back on her
shoulders, the lint completely removed from the joints.
Mike (Nanami): "Yes, Skyler?"
"Poor Himemiya-sempai..." she said quietly to Skyler. "She has to
deal with this far too often.
Joel (Nanami): "Every time a self-insertest comes, poor Anthy is the
one that has to deal with them... oh, oops!"
Crow (Skyler): "Well, if you wait a second, I can send a note to the
authors to send me your way then..."
Joel (Nanami): "Oh. Uh, don't worry, Anthy will be okay."
She never has even a harsh word for anyone, and so many people repay
her with cruelty..."
Crow (Skyler): "Oh. Is that what I'm supposed to do then?"
"That's...unfortunate." [Could explain why she comes off as...
distant.]
Joel: Or it could be the fact that she's halfway up the hall by
now.
They walked into the central building on campus,
Tom: And then rubbed their noses.
the base of the tower, and into a huge vaulted room,
Mike: ...double-locked and FDIC approved.
at least three stories tall, with rooms and balconies lining the
side and a floor inlaid with a rose design. The clamor of the crowd
of students echoed off the ceiling, mixing with the sounds of a
public address system squawking out utterly unintelligible messages.
Joel (PA system): "Waah wah wah, wa wa-wa wah waah."
Tom: Heh... well, shave Skyler and he can be the little round-headed
kid...
The students were generally filing towards the back of the room,
Mike: ...where the majority of the cabinets were placed.
Joel: Who knew Ohtori was a stenographic school?
where rows of lockers and shoe cubbyholes were set up.
"So," Nanami asked, voice calmly cutting through the background
noise, "how exactly did you meet Himemiya-sempai?"
Crow (Skyler): "We were brought together by destiny... and a little
pork-brain stew."
"I'm rooming in the same building, Higashi-kan.
Tom: I thought Nanami's last name was Touga.
She was kind enough to let me share her supper last night."
Mike (Skyler): "A little bit of dinner, a little bit of magic... next
thing I knew, she was doing the dishes."
He looked over the cubbyholes and saw that they were labeled in kana
order. Sure enough, one had "Sands" written in katakana, and inside
was a pair of slippers in his size.
Crow: Which showed a bit of evidence that Chu-chu was there...
Joel: Heh... maybe that's where he got the name.
"So, you've met her roommate, Tenjou Utena?" Nanami asked as they
both donned the school footwear.
Joel: Boy, talk about a case of mistaken identity...
Mike (Skyler): "No, I didn't meet Anthy's roommate, and don't call me
Tenjou Utena."
"Um, no, she was out last night."
"I'm surprised Utena-sempai left her alone--" she cut off as
Skyler headed for the lockers.
Tom: Someone finally delivers lines, and Skyler doesn't want any
part of it.
Mike: Who would've thought?
He found the locker marked with his name, opened it, and found a
Joel: ...note reading, 'I know what you did last summer!'
bookbag inside, filled with several texts. Skyler took it out and
glanced around for the lock.
Crow (Skyler): "Help! My lock's been stolen!"
He found nothing, and realized that none of the other lockers seemed
to have one either.
Crow (Skyler): "Help! Their locks were stolen too!"
[Trusting place, this Ohtori. Then again, I guess Japan has a bit
less crime than most American high schools. Can't keep secret
journal here either.]
Tom: He's very fixated on that idea, isn't he?
Mike: I wonder what it would read anyway...
Crow (Skyler's journal): "I keep talking, but I can't seem to find
anything out. I wonder why."
[If I remember correctly, all the students stay in the classroom,
Joel: Well, he finally mastered school...
and the teachers rotate.]
Tom: Does that mean they turn somersaults, or twirl around?
Nanami rejoined him as they exited the back way, walking towards
the building his map had indicated held his classroom. Anthy was
already a few yards ahead, waling sedately.
Mike (Anthy): "The drugs kicked *in*..."
"It's just that Himemiya-sempai is so *devoted* to Tenjou-sempai
Tom: And you know, the sad part is we *can't* do any innuendoes
here, because they'd just be true.
Mike: Sometimes it just doesn't pay to be perverted.
Crow: Who knew?
--you must have noticed that, right? And Tenjou-sempai takes full
advantage of that. She has Himemiya-sempai do all the cooking and
cleaning, even when her own studies suffer...why, it's gotten so
that Himemiya-sempai won't do a thing without getting her `Utena-
sama's' permission first. And how is she repaid? Why..."
Joel (Nanami): "Oh, sorry... was I giving away valuable plot points
there?"
Crow: Well, it's a heck of a lot better than a recap...
She trailed off slightly, blushing,
Tom (Nanami): "Skyler, you have a booger hanging out of your nose!"
as she glanced sidelong at the flow of nearby students. "Well, I
really shouldn't say--"
Mike (Skyler): "'...how is she repaid... why...' Sorry, were you
saying something? I was just writing in my notebook..."
"You're probably correct, you shouldn't say," said Skyler, feeling
nervous about the turn this conversation was taking.
Joel: Guess he isn't fit to keep a secret journal...
Crow: He'd never make it as a host on "E!", would he?
"So, do you have a favorite class?"
Mike (Skyler): "Before you start, let me get a clean page..."
Meanwhile, in his head,
Tom: ...Chuchu kept doing the forbidden dance of love, faster and
faster, until Skyler...
[Anthy seems happy enough with the arrangement,
Crow (Skyler): "And since I'm living only one room away, I couldn't
be happier!"
Joel: I wonder if there will be a hole appearing in his closet any
day now...
and with her apparent speed, her studies probably don't suffer too
much. Besides, Utena's the star of the show, so she can't be a
complete monster.
Mike: Well, 'Jaws' was the star of his own show...
On the other hand, she *might* be exploiting Anthy's talents a bit
much...or Nanami might be the "out" leg of a triangle. If I'm
living next door to them, I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.]
Tom (Skyler): "And not only that, I will be more than happy to find
it out too!"
Nanami shrugged.
Joel (Nanami): "Whatever floats your boat, Skyler. And I am *not*
the out leg of a triangle!"
Mike (Skyler): "I was thinking aloud again, wasn't I?"
Tom: That can't be good for his long-term health...
Did she look a little more relaxed now that she was off that topic,
or was it just Skyler's imagination?
Joel: I wonder if Skyler is familiar with the calm before the storm?
"Oh, I don't really have a favorite, I suppose. Art is nice enough,
but the schoolwork for all the other subjects can get so tedious now
and then..." She looked curiously at Skyler.
Tom (Nanami): "Is that *supposed* to be there?"
"How about you?"
"Creative Writing.
Crow: Would this be proof that this is a self-insert?
Tom: Considering the description in the beginning, I would certainly
hope not...
I don't suppose they'd give me a `bye' on English?"
Mike: Look, Skyler, just because you know all the cool swear words...
Nanami giggled.
Crow (Nanami): "Road rage doesn't count for English, silly!"
"I'm sure I wouldn't know. Oh, but I'm sure it won't be any
difficulty for someone like you. You know all those ugly tenses and
irregular verbs already..."
Tom (Skyler): "Oh, I know all about being irregular... oh, verbs!
Sorry!"
Joel: Tom... uggh.
"That I do..." [Though the last time I needed to know the grammar
terms was over a decade ago.] Skyler tried to remember exactly
what "future perfect" meant.
Nanami looked over at him with a curious gaze as they walked
into one of the buildings and up the stairs.
Joel (Nanami): "Skyler, don't lick the stairs."
"Incidentally, if you don't mind my asking...where did you get
such an interesting uniform?"
Crow: It must be... his Noble Stint in the Air Force!
Skyler started. He didn't know himself! How to phrase this...?
Mike: 'I don't know' is a good phrase to try...
Ah. "It was a gift. The rest of my luggage seems to be
lost in transit, so this is what I'm wearing." [A gift with some
serious strings attached...]
Tom: Most people, when they get new clothes, take the tags off...
Nanami nodded thoughtfully. "I see..." she murmured as a slow
contemplative smile crept across her face.
Joel (Nanami): "Umm, did anyone tell you the policies of Ohtori?"
Mike (Skyler): "Err... not to my knowledge... why?"
Joel (Nanami): "Well, you need to buy an elevator pass then... and
don't forget the pool pass, and the tennis court pass..."
Mike (Skyler): "And where do I get these?"
Joel (Nanami): "If you give me the money, I'll get them for you.
Heehee!"
The second floor hallway had windows on to the central courtyard,
where Skyler could see the greenhouse.
Crow: ...where each individual rose was waving 'hello' to him.
That started a memory, and he hummed a little.
Tom: One hundred to one he's humming the opening theme to Utena...
"What's that tune?" asked Nanami.
Crow (Skyler): "Well, I can name that tune in... four notes!"
Joel (Nanami): "Duh! You're the one humming it!"
"I don't recognize it."
Mike (Skyler) "Well, it was a popular show many years back. The
whole song explains it... o/~ 'Just sit right back and you'll
hear a tale...'"
"It's an American song from a while ago, Kiryuu-san.
Crow (Skyler) o/~ "Mmm-bop, mm mm mmm-bop..."
Mike: They're *still* playing that on Earth? Wow...
o/~A rose grows out in the garden,
its beauty cuts just like a knife;
Tom: Huh, I was expecting something closer to... a limerick,
perhaps...
Crow: I've heard of papercuts, but this is ridiculous...
They say it even grows in the wintertime,
and blooms in the dead of night~\o "
Mike: This is what happens with too much Osmocote...
Joel (Skyler) "And don't even get me started about the radishes!"
Nanami smiled, with just a hint of mischief in her face.
Crow (Nanami): "Look over there, Skyler."
Mike (Skyler): "Uhh... why?"
Crow (Nanami): "See that mirror? It's a one-way mirror."
Mike (Skyler): "So?"
Crow (Nanami): "Well... you're on Bloopers and Practical Jokes!"
"Why, thank you."
[She thought that was a compliment?
Tom: Oh no... he *is* going to sing about the radishes!
Mike: Hit the decks!
Better hope she doesn't ask me to tell her the rest of the lyrics.
And I now know I'm not in a Richard Lawson fic, or I'd have been
spouting a sonnet.]
Crow: Guys, remind me... *he's* the one writing this, right? And he
doesn't know what flipping fic he's in?
Joel: As long as he doesn't expound on the premise of length.
Skyler paused as they came to what he realized had to be his room.
Mike (Skyler): "I'll be just a second, Nanami... I need to go into
the little boys' room..."
Crow: Heh... he probably wants a smoke...
[Kou-1-A. If I remember right, that's high school, first year,
class A--just like the letter said. Looks like I've found my
class...]
Tom: Now to narrow it down to order...
"This is the place. See you later, Kiryuu-san?"
Nanami smiled. "It's been so wonderful meeting you, Sands-sempai.
Joel: Yup... it's a self-insert...
Mike: 'Bout time the authors were nice to the poor fool...
I hope everything goes well for you. It's going to be so nice
having someone new around--and I'm sure Himemiya-sempai is grateful
someone is able to stand up to bullies like those three or Tenj--"
She cut off suddenly, then laughed self-consciously. "Oh, but I
shouldn't spread gossip.
Tom: Oh, but you're doing such a great job of it Nanami...
Mike (Skyler): "Just a sec, Nanami, let me get my notebook... now,
could you start over?"
Just ignore me--I'm so sorry." She turned to walk off, flashing him
Mike: Not a word, either of you two.
Joel: Wow... you said this girl was twelve now, Mike?
Mike: Joel! Not you too!
Joel: Heh, that felt good for a change.
another smile. "Good luck, Sands-sempai!"
Tom: "And with that, another Skyler is set free in the wilds of
foreign academia."
She certainly seemed less than happy with Utena. Well, time
enough to sort that out later.
Fortunately, Skyler was still a few minutes early for class.
Crow: So he's going to attempt it in the next five minutes! Give him
a hand, folks!
The teacher, Kyoto-sensei, was a short, slightly plump, bespectacled
man.
Tom: And the difference between him and Skyler is...?
Mike: The fact that two authors are *not* after him.
Tom: Oh.
"Oh, yes, Sands-kun. Yes, I was told you were supposed to be
arriving today. Well, welcome to Ohtori Academy." He shuffled
through the papers on his desk a moment.
Joel (Kyoto): "Pick a paper, any paper."
"I was told Arisugawa-kun would be acting as your guide while you
got your bearings. She's a member of the Student Council, and one
of my top students, so she'll probably be able to help with anything
you need. I think I can assign you a seat next to her..."
Tom: That's a lead-in if I ever heard one...
Crow: And now, by the sounds of it, it's time for some old-fashioned
fan service!
Mike: Or at least as close as it's going to get here...
Skyler followed the teacher's gaze. Seated by the window,
reading a thick book with a cover faded by age...
Joel: ...was Mrs. Kyoto. Skyler readjusted his view...
...was, he realized, one of the more stunning young women he had
seen in recent memory, even taking into account the anime beauty of
nearly everyone he'd seen here.
Crow: No 'Skyler Effect' here! No sir!
It wasn't just her looks--she was attractive, with a slim figure
and orange hair done in meticulously-coiled ringlets, but not
remarkably more so than many of the other women in this anime world.
Mike (Skyler): "God must have spent more time on you!"
Joel (Arisugawa): "No, just the cel painters."
But even seated quietly, there was something in her bearing...an
ineffable sense of quiet self-confidence and nobility was the
closest he could come to putting it into words, though it wasn't
quite right. Too strong, maybe...
Tom: No, "cocky" and "snobbish" are too strong.
Mike: Well, she hasn't talked yet... don't rule anything out...
Crow: "Hey-ah, Skylah darlin', c'mere and say hello to li'l ol' me!"
She glanced up from her book for a moment, meeting his gaze with
her cool blue-green eyes, and making Skyler realize
Crow (Skyler): "She's Japanese, but she has blue-green eyes?"
Tom: Always getting to the heart of the matter...
he'd been starting to stare. He shied away from her gaze for a
moment, and it was only then that he realized
Crow (Skyler): "Oh, wow, she's got orange hair too!"
Joel: o/~ She don't use nothin'/ You buy at the store/ She wants her
hair to/ Be real orange... she uses ta-a-an-gerines...
she was wearing almost the same uniform as him. There were a few
differences--the pants and trim were orange,
Tom: I'm sensing a pattern here...
Crow: Maybe she accidently dipped her hair when she was dyeing her
uniform?
the epaulets and cord were different--but they were clearly minor
variations on the same design.
Mike (Skyler): "So where did we get these, anyway?"
Crow (Arisugawa): "Mine was from Calvin Klein... by the looks of
yours, blue-light special."
She looked him over for a moment dispassionately, as if getting
his measure, then returned to her reading unconcernedly.
He returned his attention to the teacher.
Joel: Skyler then thought about it for a long second and decided that
Arisugawa really wouldn't know even if he *was* staring.
"Thank you, Kyoto-sensei. I'm sorry, but they didn't give me a
schedule. Which class is up first?"
Tom: Hey, batter batter...
Joel: Well, it does look like Skyler struck out with Arisugawa...
Kyoto-sensei glanced at his papers.
Mike (Kyoto): "But first, can you translate this piece of mail for
me?"
Tom (Skyler): "It says, 'You may have already won ten million
dollars.'"
Mike (Kyoto): "I knew that Ted McMahon wouldn't let me down!"
Tom (Skyler): "Ahh... no, it's Ed sir."
Mike (Kyoto): "Oh, okay Ed Sands."
"Well, we start the day with...I think you'd call it `homeroom' in
America, am I right? We go over news for the day, sometimes review
tests from other classes or take basic pop quizzes, and so forth.
Joel: Pop quizzes? Right off the bat?
Crow: Glad I'm not there!
After that is Mathematics, then History, then English. After lunch
is Japanese and Literature, then Physics and finally Gym. Well,
it's Gym today--it alternates between Gym and Art." He looked out
at the rapidly filling classroom.
Crow (Kyoto): "Dammit, someone clogged the sink again. I'll be right
back."
"It seems like it's about time for class to begin...Why don't we
wait till everyone's settled in, then you can introduce yourself and
take your seat."
Joel (Skyler): "Hi, I'm Skyler, and I have a habit... of writing
self-insertions."
Mike, Crow, Tom (class): "Hi Skyler."
Skyler wrote his name in script first, then in katakana. Then he
bowed to the class. "I'm Skyler Sands, and I'm very glad to be
here."
Mike: Oh, I'm not going to bother anymore...
The class looked on in what seemed to be curiosity and amusement--
Tom: "He's trying to tell us something!"
Skyler noticed a few whispers between students in the back rows,
Joel: *whispering* "Who does he think he is?"
Mike: *whispering* "And look at what he's wearing!"
which were quickly silenced when Kyoto-sensei glared at the
offenders.
Tom: SHHHHHH!!! Thank you.
Just about the only person who didn't seem interested in one way or
another was Arisugawa-kun, who had simply bookmarked her place,
looked at the name on the board with barely a flicker of attention,
and then turned to gaze distractedly out the window,
Crow: The kangaroos must be migrating early this year.
writing briefly in her notebook from time to time without even
looking down at it.
Mike: So then she's doodling.
Tom: Let's hope it isn't a naked Skyler...
(all shudder)
The class itself wasn't very interesting, as Kyoto-sensei droned
through a series of announcements about upcoming exams and club
meetings.
Crow (Kyoto): "There will be an exam in five minutes. The
Procrastinator's Club meets now in the cafeteria. That is all."
Most of it was meaningless to Skyler at this point. The orange-
haired girl seemed not to pay much attention either.
Joel: At this point, you have to wonder if *anyone* is paying
attention...
Crow: To the poor teacher.
Joel: Right.
Eventually, the bell chimed, and Kyoto-sensei left for his next
class.
Mike: ...so that the story can continue
Some of the students got up to talk to each other, as it seemed
there would be some time before the next teacher arrived.
Skyler turned to the young woman at the next desk. "Hi.
Arisugawa-san, was it? Do you like old books?"
Joel: This poor boy needs a few lessons in pick-up lines.
Crow: Like two single men and two robots could provide that
*advice*...
She turned her head towards him at this, arching an eyebrow
curiously.
Tom (Arisugawa): "Even if you *are* a self-insert, there is no way
I'm going to fall in love with you over *that* line."
"Do you always begin your conversations this way?"
"No, usually I'm even lamer, but I saw you reading an interesting
looking volume earlier," he replied.
Crow: Interesting being... full of pictures?
Mike: Probably has lewd wood-carvings.
She nodded slightly as she removed the book from her desk. His
eyes fell on the title.--
Joel: "Curious George Goes to the Zoo"
Mike: "Dojo Repair for Dummies"
Tom: "The Pokemon Pricing Guide"
"A Critique of Pure Reason", by Emmanuel Kant.
Joel: o/~ "Who was very rarely stable..."
"It depends more on the subject matter than the age. I prefer to
read thought-provoking works."
Crow: She sounds like the type to take Eddings philosophy to heart.
"Ah. I'm embarrassed to admit I haven't actually read that book
yet." [Quite possibly smarter than I am...]
Tom: The last blow to a tattered ego...
Crow: Hey, Skyler! You're the self-insert! *DO* something about it!
She shrugged. "It's not what most would call recreational
reading. There's hardly a need to be embarrassed for not having a
deep interest in philosophy."
Mike (Arisugawa): "It's not your fault I'm completely superior to
you."
Joel: Who is the self-inserted character again?
[Whew.]
"Actually, for the last little while I've been struggling through
manga to help me learn Japanese." [True enough, no need to tell her
I seem to have received a brain implant.]
Mike: I wonder if this fic operates the same way as 'Flowers for
Algernon'.
"Oh, really?" She looked at him with a curious, if slightly
unnerving interest, as if he were some sort of puzzle to be solved.
Tom: Probably more like a specimen to experiment on.
Crow (Arisugawa): Call me... "Little Arisugawa"!
"You certainly seem to be unusually fluent despite that. There are
people who have been studying the language for decades with more of
an accent than you. My commendations."
Mike (Arisugawa): "...to a psychiatrist. You seem to need it."
"Uh, thanks.
"I understand from Kyoto-sensei that you're my student guide?"
"So it would seem.
Joel: So if Skyler spoke after Arisugawa, then he's saying
'thanks'...
Crow: And then it looks like Arisugawa spoke again, and is now asking
Skyler if he is her student guide......
Tom: And Skyler is agreeing........
Crow: Okay, now I am confused!
You seem to have attracted the attention of someone influential in
high places--
Joel: And theoretically, this is still Skyler...
Mike (Arisugawa): "You seem to have a cherry on top. Care to
explain?"
the Student Council is rarely called on for something as mundane as
this. One has to wonder what makes you so notable, don't you
think?"
Crow (Skyler): "Here, lemme break this wall and show you..."
Her tone and eyes remained flat and cool for this, giving the
distinct impression she knew perfectly well why, and that she knew
Skyler did, too.
Tom: I guess she didn't need that wall broken after all.
Mike: Anyone willing to take bets on whether or not Skyler can handle
the truth?
"You're on the Student Council?" Skyler dissembled,
Crow: He's falling apart right on stage!
since he himself wasn't entirely clear on who'd arranged the
"special treatment" or why.
Joel: Maybe this was the consolation prize on a game show...
Crow: You know, they always refer to those on "Wheel of Fortune",
but never elaborate...
Her gaze turned slightly more curious, and a touch more
skeptical.
Mike: Maybe she's reading 'Dianetics' now.
"Yes. I seem to recall overhearing Kyoto-sensei mentioning that
to you earlier." She turned back to her desk, turning the page in
her notebook idly.
Crow: Maybe this notebook has an anti-focus switch.
Tom: It's always the ones you least expect...
"So. Where precisely in America are you from, if I may ask?"
[D'oh! Well, can't remember everything.]
"Gunntown, Minnesota.
Joel: So he thinks that he doesn't remember, and comes up with a
little place called Gunntown?
It's a small town up towards the Canadian border." He sketched a
rough rectangle in the air, then pointed towards the middle upper
edge.
Tom: So he's a North-Central boy.
"Not on most large-scale maps. Mostly little farms, and a federal
prison is the main job provider since the quarry shut down. More
recently, I've been in Minneapolis, which is the largest city in the
state."
Mike: Skyler must have received a job at WJM.
She nodded. "The Twin Cities, Minneapolis and Saint Paul. I
know of them.
Crow: Uggh, don't remind us...
Joel: Heh, if you want Eden Prairie you can have it.
Why did you choose to come to Ohtori, then...aside from the obvious?
Tom: Wait up... what is the *obvious* reason?
Mike: Maybe Arisugawa's so full of herself she thought Skyler came to
see her?
Certainly there are more well-known cities in Japan amenable to
foreign exchange students, and I seem to recall that the Twin Cities
have sister cities here that would be overjoyed to have you," she
observed as she idly wrote in her notebook.
Joel: That notebook is so inconspicous it comes with its own
distraction field.
Crow: For that matter... I wonder what kind of doodle she's got going
at this rate...
"You *are* well-read...actually, it seems more like Ohtori
Academy picked me.
Tom (Ranmaverse): "And we've got Angel!"
Mike (Tenchiverse): "Skyler's the last one... *you* get him, Ohtori."
There were a couple of locations I was more familiar with by
reputation, but apparently they already had enough exchange
students.
Tom: And they had had enough 'Misadventures' already...
I had only heard of Ohtori as a word on paper before they accepted
my application, and after that it felt like I was just given a crash
course in advanced Japanese, issued this uniform, and dumped here."
Joel: "Youse be sleepin' wit da roses!"
Crow: "And da nex' time we catch ya' playin' in our turf, you be
Godzilla grub!"
Skyler paused.
Crow (Skyler): "I... I ah, I didn't know you felt like that about
Kyoto-sensei..."
Tom (Arisugawa): "Oh, this little doodle?"
"I can't even remember clearly what part of Japan we're in. It was
that much of a rush.
Tom: This fic can't get enough... SURGE!!
Mike: "Next stop: Tokyo-3"
Joel (Rei Ayanami): "..."
Tom: "Sorry, folks, that's as hyper as she gets..." *stage whisper*
"Next time, can we get someone who *reacts*?"
Someone wanted me here in a big hurry, and I can't really say why."
Crow: Well, pages of exposition about your loser life would be the
alternative...
Arisugawa-san nodded slowly, as if fitting the pieces of a mental
picture together.
Tom (Arisugawa): "If I hollow him out, I can live in him..."
"If it's of any help, Ohtori Prefecture is in northern Honshu, on
the Pacific coast." She flipped her notebook closed, revealing her
name on the cover, written with kanji he actually had to pause a
moment to identify.
Crow (Skyler): "It says... 'Skyler's Secret Notebook'. Hey,
waitaminute..."
Mike: All those concerns about security... too bad they had to be
true.
[Let's see... "to have", an archaic form of "reside" and "river"
Tom: OwndwellNile?
..that's Ari-su-gawa, right...then "standing tree" and...that means
a sort of blue crystal, yes? Ju-rii? Arisugawa Juri, then...
Joel: "And another potential juror has been thrown off of the
Arisugawa case, with five alternates left to question."
["Julie", perhaps? "Jury" sounds a bit ominous...and I can even
read archaic kanji, neat!]
Crow (Skyler): "Got any other archaic kanjis for me to read, Juri?
Huh? Huh?"
Mike (Arisugawa): "Here, here's a copy of 'The Battles of Coxinga'.
Knock yourself out."
The class was beginning to settle down again, and a new teacher
had entered and began spreading his books out on the desk up front.
Joel: "Now, after you are finished spreading, adding a bit of
18-24-18 fertilizer is a priority for top-grade plants."
"In any case," Juri continued, "you doubtless have a rather
memorable term ahead of you here."
"I'll bet." Seeing her notebook reminded Skyler, and he
Crow: ...really didn't want to think about Kyoto-sensei that way.
dug through his bookbag for the math textbook, and maybe a notebook
and pencil?
Mike: And it appears we have a crossover.
Tom: Who knew it'd be Felix the Cat and his bag of tricks?
Yes, there were several slim composition books with a name space
on the cover just above the Ohtori rose insignia,
Joel: ...was the name "Saionji Kyouichi"
Crow: Hey, no fair! You already know about this series!
Joel: I only saw it once!
as well as some sharpened pencils, also marked with roses where the
manufacturer's name would ordinarily go.
Crow: So the pencil has a hardness of 'rose'.
Tom (Kyoto): "Okay, class, take out your two-rose pencils, it's quiz
time."
[Way too much with the roses already. I'm going to have to invest
in some daisies.]
Mike: At this point, I'm wondering what Martha Stewart would think...
"What chapter are we on?"
"The eighth. Simple formulae for the areas and volumes of two-and
three-dimensional solids; nothing unduly difficult."
Crow (teacher): "Find the volume... of this rose!"
Mike (Skyler): "D'oh!"
The class was standard-issue high-school geometry. Skyler was way
out of practice, so he tried to listen carefully. Some of it, at
least, sounded familiar.
Tom: If he can remember a 'stellated icosohedron' rather than 'disco
ball', I'm sure he'll do just fine in a *high school* class!
Juri didn't seem too interested in this class either, but when
asked to find the volume of a cone,
Joel: ...could correctly identify the amount of chocolate and peanuts
it would take to qualify as a 'Drumstick'.
did it correctly and efficiently, without looking up. Thankfully,
Skyler was not called upon.
Mike: Poor little girly-man can't figure out the perimeter of a
parallelogram?
He didn't talk during the next break, choosing to review the
opening chapters of the history book.
Joel (history book): "In the beginning, God created the light and the
dark..."
Mike: Kansas fell, and the rest of the world went like dominoes...
Skyler didn't find any glaring inconsistencies with the timeline he
knew, but he really wasn't up on the details of Japanese history.
Crow: One gets you ten he's feverishly looking for references to
'Himura Kenshin' right now...
Kyoto-sensei was back for this class, and everyone settled in for
a lecture on the end of the Warring States period and the beginnings
of the Tokugawa era.
Tom: Now, if we go into a *recap* of that lecture...
Nobunaga, Hideyoshi, Tokugawa... The names and dates flowed past in
a haze. Sadly, the teacher's speech really didn't convey the
excitement of the subject, and Skyler was forced to imagine the
events as if presented in anime form to keep his interest up.
Crow: This included Tokugawa in a mecha squashing a super-deformed
Nobunaga.
Next up was English. [This, at least, ought to be a snap,]
Skyler thought as he cracked open his textbook and began paging
through it.
Mike (Skyler): "Pronouns, interjections, greetings... ah, here it is.
General cussing."
It looked fairly dry, consisting largely of grammar and vocabulary
lists interspersed with essays. He glanced over at Juri's textbook
and flipped to the same page, then started to read...
Joel (Skyler): "Let's see... 'If you don't eat your meat you can't
have any pudding.'"
Tom (Arisugawa): "Well, how can you have any pudding if you don't
eat your meat?"
Crow: Deeper philosophical minds have attempted, Juri...
*Tried* to start to read. He came to a grinding halt in a matter
of moments.
Tom (Skyler): "Who in the hell does Pat Buchanan think he is?"
Crow: For that matter, why would they stick a Buchanan essay in a
*foreign* English book?
Mike: Maybe a bit of pre-emptive brainwashing before they come to the
States?
[What the heck? Did I grab the wrong book or something? I can't
understand a word of this.]
Joel: Well, I've heard Pat Buchanan has that effect on people...
It was obviously in romaji, and obviously some sort of European
language, but beyond that it was gibberish. He couldn't drain a
single drop of meaning from it.
Mike: Umm... should we go on?
Tom: Naah. At this point, it's overkill.
Then a word halfway down the page caught his eye.
Crow: 'Antidisestablishmentarianism'
Tom: That would catch *anyone's* eye.
F-o-o-l. Fool. Somehow, he knew that word.
Mike: One of the many remnants of life in the States.
Crow: Probably heard most often after he attempted his pick-up lines.
And a few lines down, another one-- c-u-t-e.
[Oh. My. God. Okay, don't panic,]
Joel: Did Douglas Adams write this English book?
thought Skyler. [Just think in English. "The tough coughs as he
ploughs the dough..."] He hesitated. [But was that "cows as he
ploffs" or the other way around... oh no. I can't even remember
that?!]
Tom: It's back to Sesame Street with his ass!
Mike: Heh... maybe that's the next crossover.
He looked down at the page again. Still gibberish. "A", "the",
"of", a couple of other simple words, but the rest eluded him. It
was much the same effect he normally got from a page full of...
Crow: ...VCR programming instructions.
Japanese.
[This is bad. Very, very bad. "When Self-Insertion Fics Go
Wrong" bad.
Mike: Well, strictly speaking, this *is* a self-insertion fic...
Joel: And it is going rather wrong for our 'hero' Skyler here...
I don't even have a dictionary to work with! Wait a minute...
Tom: Does this mean he forfeited his Babel fish from earlier?
I was able to sing that song in English earlier, or it wouldn't have
scanned, right?] He wondered if he was developing a giant
sweatdrop.
Mike: If he doesn't, it's our turn to facefault.
He stretched his memory backwards.
Joel: All of a sudden, he was hunting a saber-toothed tiger with a
knife of flint.
He'd been humming the song, right, and then he'd sung Nanami the
lyrics...which she'd understood perfectly. [Gah. Don't tell me I
translated it unconsciously or something...it just seemed to come
out so naturally...]
Tom (Skyler): "Like it was an extension of my being, my very
fiber..."
But he'd been taking notes! Skyler opened his composition
book...and stared in horror
Crow: ...as he noticed it was chock-full of the gossip he'd been
hearing today.
at the neat vertical lines of kanji and kana.
Skyler began to chuckle nervously, then noticed Juri looking at
him with that mildly curious stare of hers.
Crow (Arisugawa): "Is it time to up that Prozac dosage, Skyler?"
[Please let this come out in English...] {Nod if I'm talking in
English.}
Juri looked...bemused.
Joel (Arisugawa): "Well, you are typing in English..."
Mike (Arisugawa): "You have been since the beginning, actually."
She replied, quite obviously in English, with a slight nod. Skyler
managed to catch scattered words--"Your", "is", "but", "I", "you"--
with a number of words he couldn't catch in between.
Tom: Anyone care to give that a whirl?
Crow: Heh... I don't think it'll come out clean anyway...
She watched his face for a moment, looking for signs of
comprehension and obviously finding none. "I see," she murmured,
turning back to her textbook.
Mike (Arisugawa): "I seem to be dealing with a garden slug. Well,
good luck in class."
"There's a pronunciation guide on page 53. I recommend you review
it quickly before the lesson starts."
Joel: We have to ship him some "Hooked on Phonics"! Stat!
Alas, it was too late, as the door opened right then.
Tom: "And it was too late for them Duke boys..."
The English teacher--a thin, sour-looking woman with her hair in a
bun and glasses that instantly reminded Skyler of the "Far Side"
cartoons, set her books on the desk and peered out over the class,
Crow: She's probably looking for likely candidates to hold buckets.
which quieted instantly. She smiled as she saw Skyler.
Mike: Oh, yuck.
Tom (teacher): "A-heh, a-heh, it looks like we have some fresh
meat... oh, sorry, *new* meat in class today."
"If I might have all of your attention, today we'll be beginning
out new essay.
Crow: Yeah, you can definitely tell this teacher's qualified to teach
the subject...
While I'm sure you've all prepared your sections quite well, it
would seem we have a new student today--a transfer student from
America, in fact." She smiled thinly.
Tom: Umm... they all prepared their sections, *so* they had a new
student join in today?
Crow: Certainly seems that way...
Mike: You know, I would take Hinako over this teacher anyday.
Joel: At the rate she's going, I'd take *Principal Kuno* over her...
"Sands-kun, would you please turn to page 72 and read the
introduction to the essay there?
Tom (Skyler): "You mean this John Winston new-age claptrap, or the
Ludwig Plutonium rant?"
I know you haven't had time to prepare, but I'm sure it should be
simple for a native speaker of English, and the rest of the class
could certainly use the example of good pronunciation you could
set."
Mike (Skyler): "Aye, me bonny lass... Now wh'ar be we on the day?"
Crow (Skyler): "An' thuh stu-daint waint to thuh corn-vee-nence store
un' axed thuh klark about some o' dat Jack Dan'ls"
She glared as her gaze swept across the room,
Tom: ...setting fire to random assignments and turning the
occasional student into stone.
causing students to blush or turn away in embarrassment wherever she
looked.
[I don't suppose we could have an earthquake or something right
now?
Joel: Rrrummble...
Crow (Skyler): "C-Ko's food... yeah, that'll do it!"
Fake a heart attack? Oh well, if I can pronounce Japanese without
knowing what it means from the furigana, I can *probably* bluff my
way through this...]
Mike: If he scanned an English song to Japanese earlier, wouldn't he
just automatically translate the essay?
Skyler stood, book in hand, and did a quick skim of the lines.
Still not particularly comprehensible...but there was no help for it
now. In what he hoped was a clear, firm voice, he began reading what
looked like the introduction.
Tom: Skyler should have tried the timid approach.
Crow: Which is...?
Tom: Read it so softly that it'll be botched *anyway*.
It felt like the longest paragraph in the world, though it
couldn't have been more than five or six lines.
Mike: Maybe he forgot so much about English that he missed the
indents.
[Okay, I think this next word is the verb, so I'll put a little more
stress there, and then...is that the hard vowel or the soft one? I
think that's a silent "e", but which way does it modify the sound?
Joel: Most every silent "E" I know of makes the previous vowel long.
Crow: I wonder what would've happened if he ran across a sideways
one...
I am *so* dead...]
Crow: "Some exchange student!"
Tom: "Did someone think to save the receipt?"
Mike: At this point, what would happen if they sent him home?
He finally trailed to a halt. The class was silent. The teacher
was looking at him intently. Juri's gaze seemed almost amused.
Joel (Arisugawa): "That reminds me of the Zororastian text I was
reading earlier! Those ancient Persians, what a hoot!"
Finally, the teacher spoke. "That's an...interesting accent,
Sands-kun."
Mike (Skyler): "Oh, yah, we get dem kinda accents up 'dere in de
wilds of Minnesota, we do."
Tom: Maybe this is going to spark the Minnewegian craze.
He nodded, perhaps just a little too hard.
Joel: So hard, he was mistaken for a Beastie Boys concert attender.
"Well then, in any case. Let's move on to the day's lesson.
Akita-kun, if you would care to read..."
Crow (teacher): "...the lesson that our *American* exchange student
just botched, so we can actually figure out what we're doing for
the next couple days..."
Skyler sank gratefully into his desk. All conscious thought left
him until the chime signaling the end of class.
Mike: Therefore, he fell asleep.
Tom (sing-song voice): "And he slept for a thousand years!"
Crow: 'All conscious thought left him'... sounds more like a coma.
"Did you bring a bentou?" asked Juri as she replaced her books in
her desk.
Joel: Every three months or three thousand facts.
"No, actually...I didn't think of it," Skyler replied. Is there a
cafeteria around here or anything?"
"Of course." She stood. "Let's go."
Tom (Robin): "Atomic batteries to power... turbines to speed..."
Crow (Batman): "Let's go!"
'Bots: o/~ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na BATMAN!
Following the flow of the crowd of students breaking for lunch,
Juri and Skyler went downstairs, crossed over to the main building,
and ascended to the second floor there before parting from the main
body of the crowd in favor of a quieter corridor.
Mike (Skyler): "Wait, this says 'Janitor's Closet'! I'm hungry! And
you promised food!"
Juri then turned to face him, leaning against a window sill with
her arms crossed, and regarded Skyler with that penetrating gaze
again. "So. Who are you, *really*?"
Crow (Skyler): "I'm Batman!"
Joel: Just can't get enough of that, can you?
To be continued....
Tom: By braver souls than we...
Crow: And by people with more time on their hands...
Mike: Well, you guys really can't complain about this post for a
change. Dr. F gave us something rather decent.
Tom: I guess I don't agree. This Skyler fella is hardly the guy I
would want as my hero! I want to see the authors of this fic.
This will not stand!
Joel: Tom, the only way the authors could have accomplished their
goals is to *have* a dopey grown-up Fred Savage type, rather
than an ultra-slick Pierce Brosnan type of James Bond character.
Crow: But the James Bond character would certainly help this out! He
would be a lot more competent, better to talk to... heck, the
girls would be falling all over him!
Mike: Hah. The way this series looks, the only thing the girls fall
head over heels in love with are other girls! Face it guys, we
had a reprieve. The SI didn't kick butt and take names, and it
wasn't bad. Long, but that's hardly a major point against it.
Joel: At any rate, the Mads'll be expecting us back...
Mike: And if they can't gloat about this being a bad fic, at least
they can gloat about something else... oh, sorry Joel.
Joel: Goes with the territory. And I just got away from it, too...
ah well.
Mike picks up Tom on his left side, and walks out of the theater
behind Joel and Crow....
___________
Tom hovered on top of the desk. "Joel, I think you should get
Crow's room and he should move into the loadpan."
"Hey!" the gold robot protested from ther right-hand side.
Gypsy came in from the other side of the screen, and the area
behind the desk began to fill up. A small reunion took place before
all but Tom left the area. Joel picked up a microphone and placed it
in front of Tom before he left.
"This is your narrator Tom 'Ted' Husing coming from the booth
today, and here comes our friend to the animal kingdom, Ross!"
Joel comes in carrying the old Ross action figure as Crow showes up
in the same Seminole garb as before. "I would just like to say..."
"It's *still* too bad that the Seminole guide never speaks. Today,
my boyfriend goes to Japan in search of numerous wild animals."
Mike shows up on the other side of the screen carrying a large box
of plastic animals. He dumps the whole mess on the counter and picks
up the first, coincidentally a kangaroo.
"My boyfriend Ross certainly knows his way around the animals. But
all of these animals keep getting beat up by the characters in
today's fic. So, they're out for blood. Any blood."
Mike attacks the Ross doll that Joel's holding with the kangaroo.
Joel makes various fight noises as the kangaroo seems to score some
direct hits.
"And beware of mister velociraptor, Ross!"
Mike picked up a dinosaur and did the same. Finally, he dropped
the velociraptor and Joel picked up a wombat.
"And in you go with the wombat, Ross... no one better to guard
inside the cage," Joel intoned.
The red light on the desk started flashing. Mike looked up and
said, "What do you think sirs?"
Frank was wearing the Magic Magnet Memory-builder and turning large
circles in the Deep 13 lab. "Do you brain-dead lab rats *not* know
that Frank's circuitry is not magnet-resistant?"
Mike smirked into the screen. "Aww, shoot, I guess we do now..."
Dr. F looked incredibly peeved. "Well, that is no matter. At the
very least, I have an invention to show off to the Mad Scientist's
local 638. I will be more than happy to take it out of your hide
*later*, Mike. And now Joel."
Dr. Forrester walked to where his What's the Frequency Frankie
machine was sitting, dodging a twirling Frank in the process.
However, when he tried to test the startup, it just made a *clunk*
sound.
"Your machine doesn't seem to be too resistant to magnets either,
Dr. F." Mike said into the screen.
"Good job, Mike. I couldn't have done it much better."
Dr. F appeared very put out when he turned back to the screen.
"Okay, wiseacres... remember this one, I won't pick my *next* post in
such haste. Push the button, Frank."
Frank twirled over to where Dr. F was standing and poked his chest.
"Why in *hell* did you do that, Frank?!" steamed Dr. Forrester.
"Well, you didn't say which button! There's three on your tuxedo
shirt!" Frank was giggling hilariously.
"Okay, boobie, time for some massive reprogramming!!" Dr. F pushed
the button after he took Frank by the hair and threw the Magic Magnet
Memory-builder into a corner of Deep-13
**POOF**
The sounds of an electric drill starting are heard as the closing
credits roll.
________________________
Your friendly author here...
Any and all C&C and/or readers' reactions will be gratefully
accepted at:
zoogz@yahoo.com
MST number one... hopefully many more to come! I'd like to thank
Scott Jamison and Scott Johnson, who not only gave me permission for
this project, they waited patiently for a full year for me to finish
this. I'm very sorry for the delay, but boy you guys didn't give me
all that much material to work with either!!
This particular piece of work will be archived at:
http://www.nav.to/Zoogz
in the very near future. Excuse the (massive) mess...
For other works I've been involved in, check out the FFIRC projects
page! So far, I've been limiting myself to participating in the MSTs
that come up, editing and writing some host segments, but that might
change in the future. Take a look at this site, at:
http://www.ryo-oh-ki.net/ffirc/projects/
Also... a little bit of credit goes to my friend and roommate, John
Oleszkiewicz, for the use of his *magic magnet fairies*.
For one last note, my final plug for the evening. One of the
writing endeavors that I have participated in lately is contributing
to the award-giving Chicken Balls presentation. As many of you who
are reading this have probably seen Megane 6.7's plug, I won't go
into detail... but I'll offer another reminder that it will come out
hopefully the first of April. It'll be a laugh riot this year, and
many great authors have contributed to make these Chicken Balls a
night to remember. ^_^
Stay tuned to this weblist, or http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/CB
for the CB release.
See you all next MST!
Special thanks to:
Teachers of America (and the world)
The Authors of the First Amendment
Every new anime out there, like every old one, filled to the brim
with beautiful girls he'd never meet the like of, adventure he'd
never come anywhere close to, *meaning* his life so often lacked...
Keep Circulating the Fanfics....
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