Subject: [FFML] C&C Genma's Daughter Part 1
From: Allyn Yonge
Date: 3/22/2000, 7:23 PM
To: spardue@zebra.net, dgoldsmith@mac.com, ffml@fanfic.com


Hi,
Sorry this is so delayed.
I'm running behind on my C&C
due to Real Life, among other things.

My comments ## 

EVERYTHING is In My Opinion (IMO)
whether specifically indicated or not.  




As always, all rights to Ranma 1/2 belong to Rumiko Takahashi and
Shougakukan

Genma's Daughter
Part 1

Original concept and sketch by Steve Pardue
Story by Deborah Goldsmith and Steve Pardue

Steve Pardue <spardue@zebra.net>
Deborah Goldsmith <dgoldsmith@mac.com>

http://www.zebra.net/~spardue/anime

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The sun beat down upon the panda that lounged next to the pond,
fanning itself with a wooden signboard. Saotome Genma, master of
the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts, was
downhearted. It was too hot today to stay outside as a panda, but
it was far too dangerous to stay inside right now. Genma rolled
off his back and onto his feet, then waddled slowly into the cool
water of the pond. He sat on his haunches in the middle of the
pond and idly chewed a bamboo shoot.

On the porch he could see the reason for his exile from the
house. Soun was sitting at the table, sipping tea and chatting
with the woman who sat opposite him. The woman was in her late
thirties, but looked years younger. Her dark copper hair was
bound tightly into a bun, and she wore an elegant kimono,
decorated with flower blossoms.

##I'm of two minds about this beginning. It's not bad.
I like Genma-panda sitting in the sun. ^_^

However IMO it's a bit slow. My preference would be to integrate
the description of "The woman. . ." into the action.  That is, indicate
specifics of dress, hair style, etc in the action of the story rather than 
putting it into a static chunk of exposition. 

Genma sighed. Even after twelve long years away, Nodoka's face
still haunted his dreams -- and his nightmares. Now, to have to
sit and watch his wife from hiding tore at his soul. Of course,
it would be much, much worse if Nodoka were to actually discover
he and his son.
     
## "he and his son." ??? sounds a bit odd. Perhaps "him"?

 He was just glad that Ranma was still at school
when Nodoka came calling. He'd have to take the boy on a nice
long training trip tomorrow.

After Kasumi stepped into the room and placed a small tray of
sweets on the table, Nodoka lowered her head as she asked Soun a
question. Genma couldn't hear their conversation, but he saw Soun
shake his head slowly. Nodoka reached down to the wrapped bundle
which lay at her feet and clutched it in her lap. Then she
lowered her head to her chest. Genma was so busy staring at his
wife that he missed Soun glaring at him.

##Nice, but a bit rough with all the "her head", "she asked",
"his head", "her feet", "her lap", etc. IMO this makes for a 
very _bumpy_ read. 
<SNIP>

Suddenly Ranma bounced over the wall, her pigtail fluttering in
the wind as she flew through the air. As she landed she swung her
body about swiftly, her right foot cutting through the air to
catch Kunou as he appeared over the wall, his body stretched out
in mid-glomp. Caught by Ranma's kick, Kunou was launched
heavenward, out cold.

##Nice. A few nit-picks. ^_^ I'd change Ranma to Ranko,
Ran-ko or something similar. However this is not strictly necessary.
However I'm afraid that "glomp" disrupts the mood of the piece.
(I don't like "sweat drop" either.^_^ )

Snorting at the kendoist's flight, Ranma turned towards the
house, ignoring the panda in the pond. She pulled her shirt up
and twisted it out, trying to remove at least some of the water
which had thoroughly soaked it. Mumbling, she stepped up on the
porch and headed towards the stairs.

"Ranko?"


##OK, ignore my earlier comment about "Ranko". The contrast
between "Ranma" & "Ranko" is a good one. (still, Ran-ko or
Ranma-chan are  possibilities.)
<SNIP>

Ranma shifted her weight again. She didn't like to lie,

##Errrr, since when? ^_^ Again, this is open to interpretation.
However Ranma has been less than forthcoming at times
in the manga/anime. IMO the idea that Ranma is a model
of truth, justice and the Japanese way is a fanfic myth. 


 but it
was probably easier to just say yes than to try and explain about
the curse. "Well, yeah, I'm his kid," Ranma answered cautiously.
Suddenly the woman surged up the stairs and grabbed Ranma,
holding her tightly and sobbing softly. Ranma found that she was
comforted by the close contact.

##Nice scene. I like the way you've handled the story.
I'm not sure "she was comforted" is strictly believable.
It's a nice sentiment but, IMO, considering the normal
Ranma-verse and Japanese culture it would be more natural
for Ranma to be UN-comfortable. At least, IMO, Ranma
should have MIXED emotions. 

 <SNIP>

 Ranma noticed that her Pop was
scurrying out of the house with his pack in hand, but was too
shocked by meeting her mother to do anything about it.

##I like Genma. ^)^
The emotional reaction between Ranma/mother needs a bit more development.
IMO you've made a good start, but it's too shallow to be really believable.
More detail and development please.

<SNIP>

. Turning the corner towards
the genkan, she saw her daughter sprawled face down on the floor
with another girl about her age standing over her. The new girl
was holding a hand to her head and grimacing.

"Ranma, you baka! Watch where you're going!"

On the floor, Ranma stirred and struggled to stand. The
red-haired girl wobbled briefly and shook her head before she
stumbled out the door with a lurch.

"Ranma! Where are you going? Aren't you even going to apologize
to me?"

##Too polite to Ranma after running into her.

Possibly::

"Ranma no baka (or Ranma you idiot) Come back here so I
can pound you."

Nodoka, who had walked towards the two girls as Ranma had charged
out the door, softly placed a hand on the new girl's shoulder.

##Very awkward exposition. 

The girl turned towards her, her eyes meeting Nodoka's. "Akane?"
Akane probed her head carefully, wondering if the knot was going
to be very large. It was just like Ranma to run her down in the
doorway and then leave her to face a complete stranger, who he
was probably running away from anyway! Shaking her head to clear
the remaining cobwebs, she answered the woman. "Yes?"

##Ummm, Akane's got better manners than to be this curt.

Nodoka searched Akane's eyes for some sign of recognition, but
found none. The sound of footsteps in the hall behind her caused
her to turn again. Soun stood there, with Kasumi beside him. Soun
started to speak, but apparently couldn't find the right words.
He settled, instead, for successfully fighting back his
ever-present tears.

## Use of Soun's "tears" are unnecessary
at this point and detract from the story. Personally
I feel that Souns tears/demon head, Akane's mallet/cooking,
Rouga getting lost world wide, etc should be used
VERY carefully and sparingly since they've been
reduced to the point of cliche.  You've got a 
very nice story to this point. Don't spoil it. ^_^

<SNIP>

Nodoka looked at Ranma evenly. "You are my daughter! Your hair is
almost the same color as mine was at your age, and I'd know those
blue eyes anywhere. How many Japanese girls are redheads? And
your birthday is March 18, 1983, is it not?"


##Not too many. Although "dark red" IS a colour found, rarely,
among the Japanese population. 

<SNIP>

"Well, of course it's true, Ranma. And I should know. Who else do
you think Genma and Soun would come running to once they found
out they'd never have sons to carry on the families' schools?"

##THIS needs a lot more development. Perhaps you've done
so later in the story. However I'd like at least a little more
explanation at this point.  The primary reason for marrying
off Akane is due to the ENORMOUS inheritance taxed. Parents
can _give_ property to children as wedding present.  In this
case it seems VERY strange they would go to this length.
Genma has a reason since w/o a son he has no real assets
to gain the Tendou doujou. Soun certainly seems to have little
reason to do this. You need to provide a _reason_ to go to 
all this trouble. For that matter why not make Akane
the boy? Soun could use a son as well. He's got two spare daughters.
IMO would make more sense to make Akane & Ranma boys.
Genma would still have two of Soun's daughters to choose from
AND Soun would have a son as well. 

At any rate, this needs just a little more explanation at this point.
More detail could be provided as the story continues.


All of the people in the room stared at Happi in shock. Nodoka
drew her katana and waved it threateningly. "You helped that
bastard do this to my beautiful baby girl?" 

##Seems more than a bit OOC for Nodoka, considering
what little we know of her from manga.

The point of the
katana hovered around Ranma's neck, causing her to flinch away
from Nodoka.

Akane's temper was starting to flare. "Daddy, what does he mean,
'Genma and Soun'? You didn't help him do this to Uncle Saotome's
daughter, did you?"

##I'd think Akane would show a little more confusion about
things at this point. She seems too ready to believe that
Ranma started out as a girl. IMO this is not believable. 

<SNIP>

Nodoka gasped at the transformation, clutching her katana tightly
to her chest. "Damn Genma, damn him and the Master for doing this
to you, Ranko!"

##Again, seems very OOC. 

Ranma tried to match the woman's gaze, but its intensity forced
him to look away. "I am a man. I ain't your daughter."

The room suddenly descended into silence. Ranma, unable to look
at the face of the woman whose heart he had just pierced, found
the silence just as painful as her face.

Nodoka stood staring at the young man, the young man she knew
must be her daughter. "I am sorry for having disturbed you. I
will not do so again." Gripping her sword tightly, she bowed to
the girls and Soun at the table, then departed.

Ranma looked up, only to see her back as Nodoka walked quickly
towards the door. "I'm sorry," he whispered to her back as she
left.

Akane stalked across the room towards him. "How could you do that
to your own mother, Ranma? After all the years you've been
separated, how could you do that to her?"

##??? Quite frankly I think Ranma reacted VERY well under 
the circumstances. This is a bit much for anyone to take all at once.


Ranma looked at Akane, shock on his face. "What do you mean?" He
looked across the pond at the moon breaking through the clouds.
"She ain't my mother. You heard her, she has a daughter. I'm a
guy. I don't know why she thinks I'm her daughter."

"You mean her red-haired, blue-eyed daughter who was born on the
same day as you, Ranma?"

##I'd want more proof than this myself. Akane seems
much too willing to believe that Ranma her fiancée, whom she
has known as a boy for all this time, is really a girl . . .all on
the unsupported word of a woman she'd never seen before?
<SNIP>

*****

<SNIP>

The inside of the house was hard for Akane or Ranma to describe.
It felt almost like a shrine, well kept and well loved, but with
the sort of omnipresent
               
##Errrr, oppressive?

<SNIP>

As they watched her family on the TV, Akane had reached out and
taken hold of Ranma's hand, squeezing it tightly. For once, Ranma
didn't say anything, sensing her mood. After they watched Soun
enter the living room they were sitting in now, Akane gasped at
what was revealed behind him.

A pretty young woman in a dress, with long black hair, was
walking into the genkan on the TV, holding a little girl in her
arms: Akane. Ranma felt Akane's hand squeeze his tighter, until
it was almost painful. "Mother," she sobbed once, and wiped the
tears from her cheek with her free hand.

##Nice, if a little confusing. It took me a couple of read through's
to figure out this was Akane's mother.

Ranma awkwardly scooted over closer to Akane, and she looked at
him briefly, and smiled at him. "It's... it's OK. It just caught
me by surprise." Ranma nodded, and together, they watched the
video as it played out before them. As the next scene started,
Ranma's face turned ashen.

On the screen in front of them two little girls were having a tea
party. One of them was the young Akane they had just seen in her
mother's arms, and the other was... was a little girl with red
hair, blue eyes, and an eerily familiar face: Ranko.

##I'm trying to figure out the Red Hair/blue eyes. (other than
the fact the Japanese like to use a lot of colour in anime. ^_^)

The best I can come up with is Nodoka has European or Anu blood.
And the Anu is a stretch. They are of different stock than the Japanese(who
are of Korean descent) but that's an awfully _bright_ red. And the _blue_ eyes
are a problem. And if Nodoka is NOT pure Japanese this makes Soun's
willingness to ally with the family even stranger. Bad enough that he was
a _she_ to begin with but the family's not pure Japanese. This is a VERY big
deal among traditional families. 

 Ranko-chan
was wearing a frilly green sundress, her lush red hair done up in
a loose ponytail. She had two flowers in her hair, doubtless in
honor of her birthday. Akane-chan was wearing a yellow cotton
dress, and the two of them sat at a small play table with their
tea set. On the larger table behind them, Nabiki was playing shop
with a toy cash register. Occasionally, a seven year old Kasumi
would come in from the kitchen, where she was apparently helping
her mother and Nodoka.

##Cute.

Akane-chan and Ranko-chan had filled the empty chairs at their
table with dolls and stuffed animals, with whom they carried on
intricate conversations. Akane-chan was particularly fond of a
large stuffed pig in the chair next to her. Akane was struck by
how close the two little girls seemed.

She could hear Ranma speaking to himself softly, denying what he
saw on the television in front of him. She squeezed his hand and
felt him give her a little tug in response. It was unsettling to
her, too. How could Uncle Saotome have done such a horrible thing
to his wife and daughter? How could her own father have engaged
her to a girl?

##Again, Akane seems to accept this too readily. 
A lot of strange things happen in Nerima. OTOH a lot of 
people have trouble telling the truth in Nerima as well.


 She had no doubt that the little redhead on the TV
was Ranma -- or at least, his female form. What on Earth had
happened? She now understood Ranma's rude behavior towards his
mother: he simply could not deal with this. 

##Why "no doubt"? A twelve year old video of a little girl?
Even without video manipulation I'd hate to have to make an
ID based on nothing more than this. 
          
##Ummm, Ranma needs an excuse to be rude?



He was denying every
shred of evidence put before him.

##As would any normal person. HIS reaction is normal.
Akane's seems, IMO, a little strange and unbelievable.

<SNIP>

Akane walked across the room to the dresser, and looked at the
framed pictures on top. One showed Ranko-chan and her parents,
one showed a huge tomcat sleeping in the sun. In the last
picture, Ranko-chan was holding the cat, which was almost as long
as she was tall, to her chest.

##Main Coon Cat ?
Interesting as well, since many Japanese regard cats
as bad luck.

##Cute. Little Ranma as a cat lover. 

Amongst the pictures were several smaller items: a tiny music
box, a small figurine. The remnants of a little girl's life.
Akane felt a cold hatred wash over her, a loathing and disgust
for Saotome Genma; he had killed that little girl, his own
daughter! What kind of a monster could do that?

##???? This just isn't believable. NORMAL is Ranma
as a boy who changes into a girl. Nodoka has just shown
up and given an incredible story which, even if true, is NOT
going to have much emotional impact. It's nice writing.
I just can't believe it would happen like this. IMO you need
to develop an emotional connection with the long gone
"Ranko" before Akane or anyone else could feel like this.

Akane as well as Nabiki and Kasumi have never shown any
sign of recalling any of these things. And Akane showed no sign
of recalling anything on the "video tape", other than her mother. 

Without this recollection there would be no "feeling" for "Ranko".

#################

 <SNIP>

Ranma looked to Akane, then to Nodoka, then down to the slightly
worn cream-colored carpet, which he studied intently. It showed
its age, but was spotless, no doubt thanks to his mother. "I...
I..." he stopped, then tried again. "I... remember. Th-that
c-c-cat. And the... dr-dress. Mom was always tellin' me to not
pick him up, 'cause I always got c-cat hair all over" -- he
swallowed -- "my dress. That picture's the first thing out of all
the stuff I've seen and heard that I actually remember myself. I
guess... I was too young to remember very much, but I remember
that." He shivered. "Oh... oh, Kami-sama, I'm... I'm... really a
girl." He put his head down on his knees and hugged them, trying
to curl into a ball.

##Nice . . .needs a little editing. IMO it's a little too _soft_ to convey
the emotion needed.  A stronger build up to this would help.

<SNIP>

Ranma felt numb, as if he were freezing to death. The room seemed
to fade away as his senses shut down. The simple fact that he,
Saotome Ranma, Man Amongst Men, was a girl, a girl named Ranko,
occupied his entire universe, crowding everything else out. Time
seemed to slow down, as this fact rolled over and engulfed every
truth he had held about himself. His view of who he was was
disintegrating, replaced by an enormous gulf of questions and
uncertainty.

##No. This should take MUCH longer to happen.
There have been several recent books and articles on 
Gender Reorganization.  It is almost impossible that
Ranma would accept things this quickly and in this manner.
Also, the fact that "he" saw himself as male seems to indicate
that he really WAS male, despite the body he or she was born with.
The most recent findings indicate that even with gender reorganization
AT BIRTH a "male" will still think and act as a male. The fact that
Ranma thought of himself as male, even when in a female body,
suggests that Genma was perfectly correct in changing Ran-ko to
Ran-ma.  I suppose you could invoke "magic" to explain the mental
change. That is very much like cheating, IMO. It really doesn't explain
anything.

######################

<SNIP>

Ranma's eyes darted to the pile of cats pushed to one side of the
bed. "With THEM?"
##Cute.

*****

Later that night, the stuffed cats safely banished to a cardboard
box in the closet, Ranma lay in a little girl's bed -- *his* bed
-- and stared at the ceiling. His mind was swirling with
half-formed thoughts. The entire foundation of his life, the
basis on which everything else was built, had given way. If he
wasn't Saotome Ranma, man amongst men, who was he? What was he?
If he was really a girl, what did that mean? How did he feel
about that? Quickly, a litany of insults streamed forth from his
memories of his father -- "weak" "stupid" "silly" "a distraction
from the Art" "less than a man" -- and quashed that line of
inquiry. These attitudes had been drilled deep into him for
twelve long years on the road. The idea of being a girl made him
feel as if he were every one of those things. But, he now knew
that everything the old man had taught him was suspect, tainted;
if he had lied about and corrupted Ranma's very identity, he
could lie about anything, twist any truth to suit him. Did that
include even the Art itself? Was that a fraud too?

Ranma didn't know what to believe in any more. He didn't know
what to feel about his father; what the man had done was so
horrible, Ranma couldn't quite grasp it.


##This doesn't work at all. Abused children almost always
cling to their abuser. Children who have been kidnaped by one
parent give loyalty to THAT parent and reject the other. Even
when one parent murders the other parent the children will 
remain loyal to the parent who kills. You are painting much
too simple a picture of a very complex situation.  It's a reasonable
start but needs MUCH more detail. Things are happening much 
too fast and in much too simplistic a fashion.

######################

 So much of what he was
he owed to his father. And it was all a lie, a lie on a colossal
scale. Was he a lie, too? If he remained a man, was he an
accomplice to Genma as well as a victim? Did he join his father
in this crime? But how could he possibly do anything else?

##Interesting.

As he lay there, he suddenly noticed a barely audible sound
coming from down the hallway. He strained his ears, sensitive
from years of running away with his father in the dead of night,

##Cute

and heard soft, muffled sobs. He quickly turned over on his side,
towards the wall, hiding from the sounds, his eyes suddenly shut
tight, tears threatening to force their way out. It was his
mother, and he knew she was grieving for the daughter she might
never see again, even though her child had returned. Ranma lay
there for a time, feeling miserable and low; how long, he didn't
know. He didn't know if he could do what his mother wanted, what
his honor told him he should do. He didn't even know how he felt
about it.

Finally he sighed and opened his eyes, finding himself face to
face with a cheerful rag doll; there hadn't been room in the
closet for anything but the cats. The doll had a big smile, eyes
that laughed, and was dressed in a peasant dress and a straw
bonnet. He couldn't help but smile for a moment, but it soon
faded and he regarded her seriously. "What am I gonna do? I can't
let Pop get away with what he did. I can't stand seein' Mom like
this, and me bein' a guy makes it worse. But I can't be a girl! I
just can't! At least..." He trailed off. The doll kept on
smiling, impervious to Ranma's troubles. He regarded her for a
few moments more, then rolled over on his back to look at the
ceiling once more. "Reminds me'a Kasumi..." he sighed, and tried
once again to sleep.

##Cute. 

*****

Akane turned on her side, trying to keep the morning sun from her
eyes, but it was too late; she was awake. Unlike Ranma, it took
very little to wake her up. She sighed, rolled back over on her
back, and looked around the room.

Since the Saotomes had had only a single child, there was little
in the room in the way of furnishings. Having never had a real
occupant, the contents were sparse; odd cast-offs and older
pieces from other rooms in the house, items intended for storage
or disposal. No one had ever been in the room long enough to
imbue it with a soul. Akane found the atmosphere kind of sad. The
room needed someone to live in it to give it life; maybe Auntie
would let her do something with it if she were going to be
staying here often.

She had been too tired last night to think about all that had
happened, but she found her thoughts quickly returning to Ranma.
There was no doubt now that Ranma was Ranko, that he had been
born a girl and spent the first few years of his life that way.
She knew they shouldn't have doubted Auntie Saotome to begin
with, but the idea had been so fantastic, so impossible, that she
and Ranma had clung to their doubts until the last of them was
forcibly removed.

##
1)Why not doubt?
2)IMO there has been nothing to "forcibly remove" doubts.
Some suggestive information, but certainly no proof.
Ranma's memories are important. However human memory
is very untrustworthy. And besides being a memory over a 
decade old, something has been changing Ranma's body. Why not
his mind as wel.


 <SNIP>
Akane gasped. She had never managed to remember her mother
before. Until now, she hadn't had a single shred of a single
memory of the woman who had died when she was a little girl. 

##ummm, I'm not sure this is correct. At least in the anime
there are suggestive episodes that imply memories of her mother.
Memories do fade with time, but I find it hard to accept "she hadn't
had a single shred of a single memory . . ."

<SNIP>
 "Hi, I'm Akane," she had said, "would you
like to be friends?" Ranma had smiled back, somewhat shy, and
something had passed between them. When she had found out Ranma
was a boy, she had felt utterly betrayed, almost violated; that
*boy* wasn't a real girl, couldn't be the friend she had thought
she had found. Had taken away the friend she had thought she had
found.

That she had found again?

##Interesting. Very nice use of old and new.

Akane sat up slowly from her futon. She knew she had a deep
connection with Ranma which kept them together despite the
fighting, the insults, and the arguments. She had thought it
signified that they were meant for each other, meant to be
together as man and wife. And yet, the idea of being engaged to
Ranma had always grated on her; she felt like she was being
pushed into something she wasn't comfortable with, and she was
pretty sure Ranma felt the same way. She had thought that she
would be ready, in time, but that feeling of unease had
persisted. They were both uncomfortable with the engagement,
though they cared deeply for each other. And Akane found herself
losing her temper at Ranma constantly, getting angry over and
over again, mad at him for being such a jerk... such a... boy.

##Ummmm, IMO you're going to have to spend a LOT
more time developing this. It is VERY clear that Takahashi-sama
intended for Ranma and Akane to be married. It's fine if you wish to
change this for the purpose of your story. However this is entirely
too casual an approach. There is nothing in either manga
or anime to support this as written. The points you refer to
are used for comedic effect, many are parodies of Japanese
cultural norms. They CAN be used to support your story premise
(as evidenced by your use of "friendship") but need more detail and 
exposition to be believable. 

########################

Akane pulled her knees up with her arms around them, rested her
head on them, and sighed. Was this the root of her attraction to
and repulsion from Ranma? Had she somehow been ready for a
red-haired girl to walk back into her life? The best friend who
had been stolen away? Was that why the idea of being engaged to
him seemed so uncomfortable? She thought of the handful of times
they had actually kissed. There had been the pleasure of sharing
something special with him, but there had always been that
discomfort... a discomfort that, she found, was now starting to
blossom into a feeling of true queasiness. Despite the schoolyard
taunts, Akane was not interested in girls, not that way, but her
feelings about Ranma had left her concerned about her own
sexuality; why had the idea of intimacy with him disturbed her so
much? Had she at some level been aware that Ranma was her
red-haired "bestest friend"? Could she now view him as anything
else?
	

##IMO you have not developed this enough to be
believable. One of the problems with writing fanfiction is
dealing with already established characters and situations.
This is a _radical_ departure from cannon. IMO such an abrupt
and drastic change in the relationship between Ranma and Akane
needs much more preparation than it has been given.  Quite frankly
this is so unbelievable as written it is uncomfortable to read. It CAN
work. There is nothing inherently impossible about the situation.
However you have Akane and Ranma accepting these changes 
MUCH too readily. It's all happening too quickly and too smoothly.
Real life is not like this.  IMO you have gotten to this point in about
twenty one pages when, realistically, it should take at least ALL of this 
chapter to get to this point.


<SNIP>

But she also felt secure in a way she never had,
because she knew that if their bond of friendship had survived
for so many years, it was impervious in a way that romantic love
often was not. No okonomiyaki chefs or glomping Amazons or
psychotic gymnasts could come between her and her friend, could
take Ranma away from her, the thing she had feared most. She knew
now why she felt that way: she had already had Ranko taken away
from her once. She wouldn't ever let it happen again.

##??? Akane didn't even remember any of this. IMO this is very contrived
sounding. Again it could work. But you are rushing things too much.
Take your time and DEVELOP the story.

Maybe, just maybe, having a friend as close as Ranko... Ranma...
was worth letting go of a dream that had never seemed to come to
fruition anyway. A dream that had been based on a fraud, and had
in some ways kept them apart. Once Ranma figured out who he was,
and if that person was truly male, then perhaps there could be
new dreams, based on the person Ranma truly was... but that was
in the future. Romance had no place in their relationship until
this was all sorted out.

##Better. This is a reasonable line of thought.
<SNIP>
*****

A slightly damp redhead sat by the bridge that was one of her
favorite places to think. The bridge carried the Ikebukuro line
over one of the many drainage canals that snaked their way
through Nerima ward. After a few weeks of the heat of summer, it
was mostly dry, but a small stream flowed down the center. As she
sat there, an early morning train moved out over the span, its
electric motor humming and its wheels clattering on the tracks.
Ranma couldn't see into the train from her vantage point nearly
underneath the bridge, but she knew that this early it likely
held workers who were unlucky enough to have to work on a Sunday.
Come tomorrow, it would be packed with salarymen and O.L.'s on
their way to work in downtown Tokyo.

##Nice.
<SNIP>

"Nuthin' I wanna discuss with an uncute tomboy like you!" came
the tart response.

Akane's mallet hand itched.

## "mallet hand" :( cliche. you're story deserves better than than.


 She silently counted to 10, then
congratulated herself; that had been pretty easy! Maybe there was
hope for her.

##Akane's changing too quickly, IMO. 

"Ranma, calling me names isn't going to make me go away." The
redhead sagged a bit. "Why are you angry? I just want to help
you."

Ranma started to retort that she didn't need any help from a
klutz like Akane, but stopped, and thought. Usually she was the
one doing the helping; she relied on no one, hiding her feelings
from the world. But... this was not just another fight, where she
was in her element and knew she could win. All the martial arts
in the world were not going to help her with this. She had been
going around in circles in her mind, chasing her own tail.
Maybe... maybe it was time to open up, to share her feelings, to
have someone else... help.

##OK, where's the real Ranma and what have you done
with him . . .errr . . her. ^_*

Again, this is too abrupt a change. This is very close to
a "Mary Sue" story where an omnipotent New Character
come along and solves all the other characters problems.
You have changed the characterization of everyone, especially
Ranma and Akane _without_ taking time to build up to these changes.
Real life is not this neat and real changes in peoples attitudes are not
this quick and smoothly done. 

 <SNIP>
Akane had to count to 30 this time, and breathe carefully for a
while. "I will not pound the jerk, I will not pound the jerk" was
her silent mantra. Ultimately she won, and was proud. If only she
could make progress like this on her cooking...

##LOL. VERY good. 

"<SNIP>

Ranma looked at Akane as if she were an idiot. "It's hard to be a
guy! It's really tough! That's why Pop was so proud 'a me, and I
was proud too! Bein' a man is *way* harder than bein' a girl! And
then there's the damn curse, too!"

Akane was really confused now. "You find it hard to be a guy?"

##Interesting. This is a very nice segue. 

Ranma looked at Akane. "Well, duh! Ain't that what I just said? I
didn't know you were *this* dumb!"

Akane's hand twitched, and her aura flickered. In her hand, the
ghostly outline of a mallet appeared, shimmering, as if trying to
take form.
	
##fanfic cliche. detracts from your story.


<SNIP>	

Ranma thought for a while. "Well, it just ain't easy, ya know? I
gotta try so hard to be manly all the time, I gotta remember to
be a man in all things. It just ain't easy. But it's like this
for every guy; it's just harder than bein' a girl."

Akane was really confused now. "What makes you think that every
guy feels that way?"

The redhead looked surprised by the question. "Ummm... uhhhh...
Y'know, I'm not sure I remember where I heard it. I've known it
for a long time. When I was younger I used to tell Pop how I
felt, and he would yell at me to be a man, that it was like this
for all men, that he felt that way too! He said just grit your
teeth and be a man, 'cause it's somethin' to be proud of! 'Cause
it's so hard."

##Good. Helps show the "new" Ranma.
IMO this needs to be MUCH earlier in the story.
Or at least alluded to.  IMO you need a lengthy section with Ranma
showing how hard it is to be a man. Showing his doubts. Also showing
some of the doubts Akane has, her ambiguous feelings. That way there
won't be such an abrupt seeming change. 

<SNIP>

Akane was amazed. What could Ranma possibly be so ashamed of?
"What did you say, Ranma? What did the curse do?"

Ranma slowly raised her head, still not looking at Akane. "It
makes me feel like I wanna be a girl sometimes", she whispered,
"like I wanna stay that way." She turned away in shame.
								

##Very good.

By far the best and most believable part of the story to date.
You just need to re-write the first twenty five or so pages to 
build up to this point.

<SNIP>

##<wheeeew> I'm still a little burnt out from writing Sukeban Senshi chp. 7
so I'm having to cut this short.

Overall: An excellent story. Good characterization and an
interesting plot. However the changes in Ranma and Akane are not sufficiently
developed to be believable. That part of the story seems much too rushed and
superficial. The same complaint is valid for the other characters to one
degree or another.  Changes this drastic make this, IMO, an "alternate
universe" story.

The characterizations are _good_, they just aren't Ranma and Akane (or
Nodoka or . . .) 

IMO ONLY, there needs to be another half chapter AT LEAST
at the beginning of this story to gradually acclimate the reader to
these drastic changes.



*****

End Part 1


spardue@zebra.net 
(soon to be: spardue@telocity.com)
http://www.zebra.net/~spardue/anime





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