Back at NERV HQ...
      "So, basically, we're just not happy little elves."
      Kensuke looked at the title.  At first glance, 'Deadly Ninja Mecha-Piloting Cyber-Elves from Beyond Mars' LOOKED like a good anime, but he was noting things were lacking.  Like the 'Cyber' part.  And the 'Ninja' part.  And the 'Deadly' part, the 'Mecha-Piloting' part, and especially the 'from Beyond Mars' part.  Hell, he was beginning to doubt the 'Elves' part too.  Which left him with no title whatsoever.  So far, it had just been a sickeningly sweet story about a bunch of people dressed up to look VAGUELY like elves, depending on what book you took the meaning of 'elves' from.
      Then, the counter on the VCR neared what the box stated was going to be the last five minutes of the film.  So, in three minutes, a gory, violent, no holds barred, stomp-down, beat 'em up, shoot 'em first and spit on 'em later, symbolism-filled, blood-fest filled the screen.  Kensuke stared at the screen in horror.  Even for an otaku who had watched 'Ultimate Grappler Baki' and 'Fist of the Northstar' without flinching or cringing, this anime was over the top.  Then, the credits rolled and he noticed a name.  Hideaki Anno.  Kensuke nodded in understanding.  The man could do great pieces of work, but then he got moody and depressing and eventually, by the end of the series (or video, in some cases), you were ten times more confused than you were when you started the series (or video, again in some cases).
      At least this time, the main character (who Kensuke could SWEAR always looked and sounded like Shinji) wasn't 'strangling his chicken' over an unconscious girl (who always looked strangely like Asuka) in a hospital bed.  And at least there wasn't an overly bishounen guy pulling a sword from his mother's womb in a gory and overly symbolic scene.  Kensuke almost shuddered as memories of 'X/1999 the second movie: Yeah, we're back and you're damn well gonna watch!' flowed through his head.  Being a full-fledged otaku, he was made of slightly tougher stuff than your average fanboy or girl.
      "Kensuke, if you can't stand that stuff, why watch it?" Shinji asked from the hospital bed next to his.
      "Well, for one thing, it's new.  Secondly, it wasn't as depressing as 'Peon Menace Maybellion Siren'." Kensuke answered.
      "I don't know, Kensuke.  I think Hideaki Anno has kinda gone nuts." Touji remarked.
      Kensuke backed the video up to the most disturbing image, then turned back to the jock.
      "*Kinda gone*?" Kensuke asked.
      Touji shuddered violently.
      "Okay, he's completely gone." Touji responded.
      "I think he may have gone so far that he actually came back.  Then left again." Hikari stated.
      All six Children nodded in unison, then shuddered in unison.  What happened to the other two Reis that were supposed to be in the room?  I don't know.  I lost track when we got to the Cyber-Elves part.  A-kun!
      "So, how's your mom?" Hikari asked Shinji.
      "Ummmmm...." Shinji began, before glancing out the only window.
      Yui Ikari, aka. Evangelion Unit 01, was laying on a giant beach chair while wearing a giant purple bikini.  She had on a giant pair of Rayban sunglasses (tm) and a sunhat.  She also had a giant generic cola can next to her on a mobile flatbed that was often used to haul Patlabors around.
      "Aaaaah... Shinji dear, don't forget to brush your teeth tonight." Yui cried.
      Shinji sighed, picked up a bullhorn, then walked over to the window and opened it.
      He yelled into the bullhorn, "OKAY, MOM!"
      "Shinji, you shouldn't yell at your mom." Hikari scolded.
      "But I have to." Shinji answered.
      "Why?" Hikari asked.
      "What was that, dear?  I couldn't you." Yui called back.
      "That's why." Shinji told Hikari, before shouting his message again. This time, Yui had cupped a hand to her right ear to hear her son better.

      Within a week, all of the pilots were back to actice duty.  Kaworu was pleased with Evangelion 10.  Sure, for some reason, synchronizing with it gave him the distinct feeling of a wedgie, but the fact that he now had his own Eva was, to say the least, gratifying.  Once they were done with the standard sync tests, the pilots showered and converged in a cafeteria.
      "So, if the school's blown up, what are we supposed to do?" Shinji asked.
      "Don't worry.  I'm sure Ritsuko and Misato are working on that, right now." Maya declared, walking in.
      Meanwhile, in Ritsuko's office...
      The two women were drooling while they looked over the latest "Peon Menace Maybellion Siren" doujinshi.
      "Ooooh, look at THAT!" Misato drooled.
      "Ohohohoh, baby...." Ritsuko drooled.
      Naturally, they were drooling over the image for different reasons.
      "I can't believe this sort of thing is even LEGAL!" Misato declared.
      "Are you kidding?  It's been legal for all people age 12 and up to get this for years now." Ritsuko responded.
      Misato's eyes widened.
      "Really?" Misato asked.
      "Yeah, really." Ritsuko stated, casting a wary gaze Misato's way.
      "Wow.  To think..." Misato began, looking at the image of the item that was advertised in the back of the doujinshi, "...a customizable video game that you could alter yourself."
      "Just think what you could do with it!" Ritsuko said.
      Both women instantly began thinking of different things.  Ritsuko, of an orgy with Misato, Maya and whoever else suited her fancy.  Misato, of a game where you controlled a chibi-Misato and had her eat and drink beer for hours on end.  Naturally, they weren't on the same thought pattern.
      Meanwhile, back in the cafeteria...
      "I hope so.  I'm getting bored." Asuka declared.
      "Mmmmmm, Evanjellydonut... hey, the fourth is only partially done." Shinji said, munching on a batch of Evanjellydonuts.
      "SHINJI, DON'T EAT THAT!" Rei IVIXVMC cried, just as she fell into a snare trap Rei I had set up in the cafeteria.
      Shinji had just finished the fourth partially cooked Evanjellydonut, when he turned to look at Rei II and Asuka.  He would've seen Rei IVIXVMC, but Rei IVIXVMC was now being dragged into the ceiling by Rei I.
      Suddenly, Rei II and Asuka were butt-naked, their arms and Asuka's hair just barely concealing their naughty bits, as they rode a single clam on sea foam.  Touji and Kensuke appeared as tiny cherubs with only a bow and arrow to each and a white sash to cover them up.
      "What's the matter, Shinji?" Kensuke-cherub asked.
      "Ain'tcha never seen a pair of naked chicks riding a clam before?" Touji-cherub inquired.
      "GOTTA GO!" Shinji yelped.
      He exited the cafeteria and slammed the double doors behind him.  He leaned against them and fell back into the cafeteria as the doors were the sort to allow easy entering and exits.  He rolled out of the cafeteria, stood up and flexed a mighty arm before calling out, "OOSHA!"
      Blinking as sanity returned to him, Shinji asked himself, "What the hell was that?!  Oh, I knew I shouldn't have used that packet of powdered sugar I found in the parking lot to make that batch of cookies!"
      Considering what he just said, he added to himself, "And I shouldn't have shared the cookies with everyone."
      "OOGA-BOOGA!  OOGA-BOOGA!" Shigeru and Ryoji Kaji chanted as they raced past wearing leopard skins and carried spears and clubs larger than Shinji's torso.  They seemed to be on a mammoth hunt.
      Shinji turned around and glanced into the cafeteria.  Touji was making out with the soda fountain.  Hikari was exposing her ass and had a lighter in one hand.  Kaworu kept chanting, "Ia!  Ia Cthulhu F'taugn R'lyeh F'taugn!  Ia!" for some reason as glowing images of Big Bird and Elmo from Sesame Street appeared on his forehead.
      Asuka was declaring she was able to climb the walls faster than Maya with her lips while Maya was muttering something about how she "loves me spinach.  Huh-guh-guh-guh-guuuh.".  Rei II was asleep in the most awkward position possible on a chair.  Kensuke was hovering while wearing a three-piece business suit and declaring how happy everyone would be when all souls became his.  Kensuke was also declaring something about his name being Jedah, Jebus or something like that.
      "Hoo-boy.  This'll be difficult to fix, won't it, Luna?" Shinji asked.
      Luna the black cat nodded, "That's right, Shinji. We have no time to waste.  We have to find the Moon Princess and the Moroboshi no Ginzuisho!  Come on, Tuxedo Shinji!  There's not much time!"
      "Right, let's get my Time-Travelling Frog, Cutey Honey and Kekko Kamen.  We'll need their help." Tuxedo Shinji responded, swirling dramatically in his cape until he fell on his bottom, as dizzy as someone trying to fill out their year 2001 Tax Forms.
      "I'll get the fresh-roasted peanuts.  They'll be vital for getting back on time for Pep Squad!" Luna answered.
      They leapt down a laundry chute, presumably to find Tuxedo Shinji's time-travelling frog.
      "Yare, Yare, Fuyutsuki-chan." Gendo said, wearing purple robes while carrying a bizarre staff that formed a rhombus near the top.  A large orb was wedged in the middle of the rhombus.
      Fuyutsuki lifted a hand and pointed at Gendo accusingly.
      "Mr. Gendo!  I will not abide by your evil any longer!  I shall smite you with the Hammer of Justice!  RA TILT!" Fuyutsuki cried.
      Gendo teleported out of the way as blue spiritual energy flowed at the point where he had been standing.  Suddenly, Naoko, dressed in only a black opera mask and a cape, hefted a guitar and smashed Gendo over the head, letting loose the battle cry of, "EL KABONG!"
      Gendo collapsed.  Fuyutsuki leapt up into a nearby ventilation shaft, which was the highest point available, and began giving a Justice speech as Naoko grabbed a vine and swung off to stop more evil doers.

      Tuxedo Shinji found himself in a zoo.  Grabbing a nearby toad and licking it, his delusions became even more hilarious as his eyes dilated to six times their normal size and his ears shrank.  He and Luna leapt off a stairwell and began flying straight down as dogs carrying musketry began firing at gnats near them.  Tuxedo Shinji belched a hello to them and then watched as the world around him became the women's public bath.
      Suddenly, tuna fish popped out of the water and began chanting in a singsong manner, "Shinji loves Asuka!  Shinji love Rei!  Shinji loves Asuka! Shinji loves Rei!  Shinji wants ta boink all da girls!  Word!"
      The fish vanished as the cherub-Touji and cherub-Kensuke appeared again, waving their cheeks in his face.
      "Shinji, you're hallucinatin' again." cherub-Touji told him.
      "Not a good sign." cherub-Kensuke added.
      Shinji watched them fly out of the window, then hopped on his magic skateboard and flew Rei to the moon.  To let her see what spring was like on Jupiter and that big red ball of rock.  They played and frolicked among the stars until Shinji's beer ran out, so he had to scream out, "JUMANJI!"
      The world broke apart like a 3rd grade science project ten minutes before the judges made their rounds.  Explosively, that is.

      Shinji found himself staring in a white void of total darkness and some light.  He felt... freedom.  Complete and utter freedom.  Somehow, it left him feeling hollow and alone.
      "What is this?" Shinji asked.
      "This is what it is like to be totally free.  You can go anywhere in this place you so desire." came a voice.  It sounded like Rei's.
      "I don't like it.  I have nothing to do.  Nowhere to go." Shinji answered.
      "Then, we'll draw a line." came his father's voice.
      Like in a cartoon, a line was drawn, signifying the ground.
      "But you have now lost a degree of freedom.  You may no longer fly around as you please.  You must now walk upon the ground.  You may go anywhere on the ground you so desire, but you may no longer do so while flying." came Misato's voice.
      "So, what is the point of total freedom, if there's nothing to do and nowhere to go?" Shinji inquired.
      "You are learning fast, Shinji.  There truly is no point to a world where you have total freedom.  This is exactly what the creator of the universe thought when he was making our world." Yui's voice answered.
      "However, the creator knew that a simple world would be filled with nothing to do.  So, he had to make it complex.  By creating mysteries, enigmas, and such, we humans have something to explore.  To find out.  To learn.  Without something to do, humanity is as much of a dead-end as the dodo or the passenger pidgeon." Asuka's voice continued.
      "Now that we have become sufficiently advanced, the creator needs to make more mysteries and challenges.  Which is why the creator made the eighteen trials of humanity.  However, many have either forgotten or simply do not know that the eighteen trials are all part of our own self-making." Ritsuko's voice finished.
      "Eighteen trials?  The creator?  Self-making?!  What are you all talking about?  Who is the creator?  What trials?!  And how can you make yourself?!  And is Bill Gates really the devil?" Shinji demanded.
      "What does Bill Gates have to do this?" Steven Hawking's voice inquired.
      "The eighteen trials of humanity are the tests, trials and obstacles to becoming a true human being, rather than a child.  When you have passed all eighteen trials, you become the creator and start the world again." Kensuke's voice explained.
      "The creator is not easily explained.  Sometimes, it is you yourself, Shinji.  Sometimes, it is someone else." Kaworu's voice declared.
      "In a way, we all make ourselves.  Our lives are our own the instant we are born.  Parents and guardians protect us until we can protect ourselves.  No matter what anyone says or does, your life is your own.  You are always in control of your life, even if you are not capable of doing much with it." Touji's voice joined in.
      Shinji tried to absorb the information.
      "So what are the eighteen trials?" Shinji asked.
      "That is something for each person to learn.  You must learn these as you go.  The answers are never simple to understand, but then again, neither are the questions." came Kaji's voice.
      "All people are capable of completing these trials, but they are not capable to bring themselves to realize how easy and yet how complex it is to accomplish each." Rei's voice came.
      "This is why you, Shinji, are usually the creator." Kaworu added.
      "What?" Shinji asked as the world became blurred, even for a hallucination.
      "You are one who can comprehend these trials and pass them before others."
      "Learn, Shinji.  And know that when you pass the trials, you will have that which you truly desire."
      "What I truly desire?"
      "What you truly desire."
      "Do you know?  Do you know?  Do you really really know?  WARPUYA!"
      "Oh, brave hero, she knows it not, but that bastard Akio is just full of snot!  WORD!"
      "What?"
      "Now, go away or I shall taunt you a second time!"
      "What are you saying?!"
      "Pu!  PUU!!"
      "THAT'S IT!  YOU'RE ALL HISTORY!  SUPER VEGETA BIG BANG ATTACK!"
      "Nice tie, Shinji."
      "Thanks, but Shinji's not here, maaaan."
      *THUD*
      "And now, for something completely different.  Rei-chan and Asuka-chan getting it on!"
      "WHOO-HOO!  Now, _there's_ something I'd pay good money to see!"
      "Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my head?"
      "Hey, I paid for this seat and there ain't no way in hell you can get me out of-DON'T HURT ME!"
      "OUT, KAJI!"
      "Misato?!"
      "No, Hikari, JEEEZ!  Who would you expect, schmuck boy?"
      "Kaji, Misato, get out of my delusional fantasy before I dream up some rednecks and hillbillies."
      "Shinji, you wouldn't!"
      "Try me."
      "He's got a real perty mouth... huh-huh-huh-huh-huh.. come on, Bubba!  Let's make 'em squeal!"
      "AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!"
      With Kaji and Misato running like hell with rednecks and hillbillies following close behind, Shinji turned back to the delusion world.
      "So, what do I truly desire?" Shinji inquired.
      "What every male wants.  To get it on with every female you find attractive."
      "Oh.  That was easy."
      With that philosophical delusion over with, Shinji returned to his quest for the magic matza balls that would empower the Emperor Gundam with Wuv, Twue Wuv.  And, he had to find that Time-Travelling Frog!  Licking another toad, causing his eyes to dilate once more, Shinji stumbled after Luna, the magically flying rumproast.
      Just after he left, Pen-Pen crawled out of a nearby air ventilation shaft and turned to the toad.
      "Qwuag?"
      "RIIIIIIIIBBIT!"
      "Excellent." Pen-Pen answered, while steepling his claws.
      "RIIIIIIIIIIBBBIT!"
      "What do you mean 'he licked me'?" Pen-Pen inquired.
      "RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIBBBIT!  RIBBIT!"
      "Hmmmm, that would explain the extension of his madness, but I am still worried.  With the Pokemon Project a failure, we only have six more opportunities to do away with humans." Pen-Pen responded, sighing longingly.
      "RIIIIIBBIT?"
      Pen-Pen blushed, "NO!  I will NOT miss beer!"
      [Or Misato-chan.  Or Shinji-kun.  Or even Asoko...Asuko?  Asuka?  Dave?  I can never remember her name.  Aaah, all those visits to the penguin exibihit.  All those bribes Shinji-kun and Misato-chan gave the janitor to let me at those lovely...] Pen-Pen began thinking, before realizing that the toad was staring.  Well, it had always stared, but it seemed to be staring moreso than ever before.
      "Shut up!  Now, come along.  Eva-00 needs to go berserk again!" Pen-Pen declared.
      The Animal Liberation Army's secret tactical strike squad continued it's mission.

      Somewhere in Terminal Dogma, Kaji and Shigeru were running from a pack of wild dogs.  One would notice, if security were the ones referred to as 'one', that wild dogs, not humans, were largely in control of the Dogma.  Of course, since security merely consisted of two perverts and Beetle Bailey, there wasn't much in the way of anyone to stop the dogs from roaming where their pleased.  Beetle Bailey sure as heck wasn't going to stick his neck out and the two perverts were too busy either downloading internet porn or watching the women's showers and/or locker rooms to do anything about the dogs.

      Shinji sighed.  His Time-Travelling Frog had been devoured by the frog's natural enemy.  The ostrich.  At least he had managed to round up Kekko Kamen's sister, El Kabong (aka. Naoko), and Battle Angel Asuka, the cyborg motorballer.  He might've taken the Red and Green Rangers (aka. Misato and Ritsuko, respectfully), but they were busy hunting down the core of evil in NERV.  So, primarily, SEELE and the Animal Liberation Army (ALA).
      So, Luna, the magical spork-derived fungus, was telling them how to travel back in time to prevent the entire series of events.  Or at least, she was telling Shinji how to travel back in time.  El Kabong and Asuka were staring at what could be construed as a handheld Gameboy with a Sailor Moon game in it, but only if one were even vaguely sane.  Asuka kept gunning her engines and taking a few laps around the Dogma while waiting for Shinji to finish.  As she was equipped to go 800 MPH, this was a relatively easy task. The number of "99" and her insistance at being nicknamed "The Killing Angel" was easily overseen as she had been reading too many Battle Angel Alita comics recently, and it was all coming back to haunt her.
      "Okay, Luna the Immortal Turkey, has decreed that we must lick these Time-Travelling Toads.  Be wary, though, as Toads are far less accurate than Frogs and we may wind up having to use the Llamas." Shinji declared, holding up three toads.
      El Kabong and Battle Angel Asuka exchanged glances, but complied.  Once all their eyes dilated, they vanished into the past.

      The Recent Past...

      "EL KABONG!"
      *HONEY FLASH*
      "We're not far back enough."
      "Right."
      *LICK*

      The Less-Recent Past...

      "After all these years..."
      "So, at last, they've-*HONEY FLASH*-WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?"
      "Uh, forget you ever saw us."
      *LICK*

      The More-Recent-But-Not-That-Recent Past

      "Hmmmm?  Hey, some free sugar.  Good thing it was behind this trash can and buried behind a thin layer of bricks.  Otherwise, rain might've ruined it.  This'll make some good cookies."
      *HONEY FLASH*
      "ACCK-URKGLE!"
      *THUD*
      "Crap.  I think we killed him."
      "Uh, quick.  We have to get out of here and hope I come back to life!"
      "RIGHT!"
      *LICK*
      And, thanks to the miracle that was Shinji's mind, Shinji was reanimated a few seconds after they left.  He looked around frantically for the naked Naoko Akagi, the cyborg Asuka and Tuxedo Shinji, but didn't find them.  Deciding that he just had a minor hallucination from too much stress, he went home and made some cookies to ease his mind.  And thus, everyone avoided the temporal loop that might've occurred had Shinji and company prevented the ever-so-slightly younger and less-brain-damaged Shinji from making the cookies that allowed them to have the hallucination that allowed them to go back in time in the first place.

===============================================================================================

      TharzZzDunN
      C-chan
      A-kun
      with assistance from A-chan, ????? and Huh?

      Good night everyone.  Here are some explanations.  (expect a lot of fun-spoilers)

      Jedah is from Dark Stalkers 3.  A cool character and certainly more evil and demonic-looking than Demitri, Lillith, Raptor or Morrigan.  Jedah dreams to achieving happiness for all while attaining godhood for himself.

      In the Battle Angel Alita manga, Alita becomes a motorballer, where killing other motorballers and spectators is allowed.  The game revolves around a 40 kilo ball that spins out of control if one doesn't press one of the deactivater buttons inside.  You have to hold on to the ball and make it across the finishing line while defending yourself from various attackers.

      El Kabong was a Hanna-Barbara horse.  And yes, he swung around on ropes or vines and used a guitar (and sometimes a banjo, if memory serves) to subdue bad guys.  His 'disguise' was a black mask and a cape.  And we think a different hat than what he wore in 'normal' mode.  We aren't entirely certain about the last part.

      Kekko Kamen is a heroine known to fight bad guys in the buff.  Kekko Kamen was in the buff, not the bad guys.  And she wasn't totally in the buff, she had a mask, gloves, nunchucks and boots.  But that was it.  Thus, it would be logical to think that anyone else who wore only only a mask and a cape might be related to her.

      Cutey honey was a heroine who yelled out "Honey Flash" to change outfits.  You could see in the buff while she transformed, so it's somewhat logical to think that there might've been someone from the Kekko Kamen project working on the Cutey Honey storylines.  Personally, we think the anime is a LOT better than the stupid manga.
      Excerpt from the manga: "Look a golden panther!"  "She just killed that girl!"  "Now, the panther's transforming in an exact duplicate of the girl, except her eyes and hair are gold!"  Mind you, this was in a dance club.  You'd think someone would've screamed and started a panic to cause everyone to run out of said club.  Nope, they just stand there, staring at the dead girl and the transformed panther that killed her.  Idiots.

      The Animal Liberation Army was invented by us (as far as we know), but anyone is welcome to use it.  Just credit us or we'll bust all of your, uh, uh, monitor!  Yeah, we'll break your monitor!

      Tuxedo Shinji was inspired by, shockingly, Stephen Ratliff's Marissa Picard and her adventures in the holodeck.  Tuxedo Wesley was hilarious, so here's a bow to you, Stephen.

      Time-Travelling Frogs, Toads and Llamas were inspired by two things: "Swallows" from Monty Python's "Quest for the Holy Grail" and the pan-dimensional mice from Douglas Adam's "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". These two things got us all into a large injoke of Time-Travelling Doves, Pidgeons, Starlets, Swallows and ordinary Star Trek ships.  It's expanded here, but obviously less funny now that you don't know what the injoke was like and the fact that we've explained it.

      As for the meta-philosophical crap, everything that involved Evangelion MUST have some introspection, so, taking a cue from Jim Lazar, we looked at the last two video tapes and noticed the introspective crap with the kiddy-esque black and white bullcrap.  From this, we expanded and tried to get a solid grip on what the hell they were talking about.  It failed... we think.

      The Super Vegeta Big Bang Attack is courtesy of Dragon Ball Grand Tournament for the Sony Playstation.  It was hard to translate, so A-kun just spat it out and well, that's remained the name.  If Vegeta doesn't have such an attack, please tell us.  It's embarrassing to keep using it, thinking it's canon.

      Luna is courtesy of Sailor Moon and is really a black cat.  Various cases have popped up when she's become a human, but in the end, she's just a talking cat with mystical powers.

      The Meat-Factory scenes were product of C-chan.  We have no idea why, but they seem strangely in place.

      As for the FFML members who were part of SEELE?  Well, it was the entire FFML, of course.  Someone can try and declare something, like their opinion, and instantly get bombarded with hundreds of replies, flames, declarations to stay on topic and warnings about threads.  Ah, the FFML.  Isn't it wretched?  BEEEEEDAH! ;p :p :| :) :D ;D :]

If you want to see the prelude to this, either contact A-kun or visit his website at http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Island/3968/eva/EVA.html
______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com