Gary Kleppe wrote:
I haven't had time to read all the other C&C on this, so I'm probably
going to repeat everything the others have said. Let's at least hope the
quips are new. :)
Quite likely as they're coming from you, Gary. :)
Phil wrote:
He sat up suddenly and found himself on a small hilltop
amidst a verdant meadow. Long-stemmed green grass flowed in
the breeze, stretching away as far as his eye could see.
Apart from the tree and himself, only one other object
shared the hilltop: a red rose. It lay on the short grass
beside him.
Little did Ranma know that Akane had recently fallen victim to the
dreaded Meiguiniquan....
Spring of the Drowned Rose? Just hazarding a guess... :)
Akane Tendo awoke as the light of the early sun pierced
the veil of the morning mist to caress her smooth limbs in
benediction. She raised a hand to muffle a broad yawn,
feeling surprisingly chipper, despite yesterday's events.
That last comma really doesn't belong; the despite applies to the
chipperness, not to the yawn.
Right. Chipperness? Hmm. Must... resist... using... :)
"A bit sore, but I feel great," Akane replied, stretching
out the kinks left from a night of sleeping on hard ground.
She looked around again and found no one else present.
"What happened anyway? Did we wipe them out? Where are the
others? And where's Aunty Saotome?"
"Whoa!" Ranma said, raising a hand in protest. "Hold it!
I don't understand. What's he protesting?
He's protesting the rapidity of her questions. I'll change it to:
', raising a hand to stop her questions.'
Thwap! "That's Cologne-chan!" snapped the Amazon
Geez, not "Cologne-san?" Or even "Ke Bomu?" :)
Heh. A failed joke on my part. Dave also mentioned this, so I'll change it
to:
"That's Cologne to you, sonny boy!"
Ranma and Akane walked on, with Cologne following. She
glanced occasionally toward Akane as she hopped along on
her staff, her serene face masking deep concern. The trip
to Joketsuzoku had taken less time than even she had hoped,
flying First-Class had its benefits, but she realized that
she had returned too late, even so.
Run-on sentence.
Will correct.
Shampoo paused in mid-hurl; the empty water basin dropping
from her nerveless fingers as she drank in the sight of
Ranma and Akane together.
mid-hurl; the empty water basin dropped
or
mid-hurl, the empty water basin dropping
Nods. My semi-colons still need work. :)
Cologne's presence failed to
surprise her; Mousse's arrival had forewarned her. It was
The repetitive phrasing here is awkward.
Hmm. I'll probably change this part.
the disturbing image of the Pervert Girl walking beside her
Airen, both apparently comfortable and even happy, that
Airen probably shouldn't be capitalized here, as it doesn't seem to be
used as a name.
Whups. I didn't even think of that - just too used to writing and using it
in one way.
Kasumi laid out the tea and biscuits, and everyone fell to
with an appetite. Cologne nibbled on one of the baked
"fell to with?" Typo of some sort?
Er, 'fell to' is a slang term meaning to start eating. I'll find another way
of putting it.
"Older demons may acquire a soul through some means;
sometimes it comes into being spontaneously, but often it
is stolen from a human. Having a soul makes a demon more
powerful, but it also represents a point of vulnerability.
Demons guard their souls jealously and hide them well.
Should you ever face a powerful demon, find and destroy its
soul and you will kill it."
Um... why? Wouldn't they just go back to being soulless demons, the way
they were before? Are souls physically addictive? :-)
Yup, souls produce metaphysical endorphines. After you had just one, you
can't stop munching. :)
"Don't worry, Ranma. Your soul is fully intact. Your Kami-
sama is a very generous god." Cologne produced a hideous
Kami-sama as a single entity is a Fujishima creation, IIRC; not part of
Japanese mythology. Why would Cologne refer to Kami-sama as Ranma's? Is
she an OMG fan? :)
Well, I see her as being a big Washu fan. Does that count? :)
I'll change it to: "Your gods are very generous."
"Well, why haven't we heard of them before?" Ukyo asked.
"I mean they're slaughtering people all the time. Why
Suggest "I mean, they're
Right.
doesn't it get on the news or something?"
"Hah! People today are more interested in their own busy
lives and hearing which way the Nikkei and Dow Jones has
moved. Do you think they'd even care about the ancient
'myths' that still exist today?" Cologne stabbed a finger
at a surprised Nabiki. "Ask her what she truly thinks of
demons, even now."
Well, such people do generally seem to care about street crime. If these
demons were actually killing people in noticeable numbers, I think it
would get attention, though the news might well attribute it to human
criminals or some other more mundane source, or cover it up if the
demons are major network sponsors. ^_^
Good point. People killed by demons just tend to disappear from sight. Some
fiction novels about Japan, written by Japanese authors, seem to imply that
people do simply vanish utterly in everyday life. One great translated
mystery novel, 'All She Was Worth' by Miyuki Miyabe, is a good example.
I'll make this point a bit clearer in the revision.
Cologne smirked, her point made. "Demons are wise enough
to cloak most of their activities with powerful shielding
seals and trust in the general disbelief and disinterest
that runs rampant today." She paused, readying herself to
broach a new topic. "I have one other thing to mention: as
of this day forward, Shampoo's claim to marry Ranma Saotome
is hereby dissolved, by order of the Council of Elders."
What's Shamps' reaction to this (other than clobbering Mousse)?
She already knows, as she told Ukyo way back in Chapter 2. It doesn't mean a
great deal, she's still free to chase after Ranma, so she's happy.
The hospital room at Nerima General was fairly quiet apart
from the clatter of shogi pieces and Ranma's loud voice. He
was recounting the events of the past couple of days to his
father while Soun and Genma played a shogi game that was
remarkably free of subtle cheating attempts. Instead, with
Genma almost fully immobilized by casts and both players
distracted by Ranma's story, the cheating attempts were
incredibly crude and blatant.
SOUN: Injuries are no excuse, Saotome. We're required to do this
cheating schtick in every fanfic.
"It says so in our contract, Tendo, but for once I'd like to play an honest
game."
Readers shout, "OOC!"
Soun jumps back in surprise and shock and accidently hits the bed-folding
mechanism. It promptly folds the bed into two, squishing Genma and providing
the requisite Genma-bashing scene. :)
"Well, stop it!" Akane seethed, annoyed at his misguided
attempts to get their relationship back to normal. She
pivoted and stormed out, tossing a last remark over her
shoulder. "I don't want to return to the first stage every
single time you start feeling insecure, you know!"
That seems like an odd thing for her to say. Since when has she been
that analytical, particularly about her relationship with Ranma? Have
they come to a new understanding of each other in some scene that I'm
forgetting?
Er, way back in Chapter 2, Akane has a moment of revelation in which she
realizes that Ranma tends to insult people in order to bring things back to
normal. That was with Genma after he'd learned he wasn't truly Genma's son.
She applied it here to her relationship with Ranma.
Not very Akane-ish, I'll admit. If you think it's still OOC, and Vince has
also mentioned it, I'll attempt to clarify it or yank it completely.
"Are you sure it's a good idea to leave them alone like
that?" Akane asked Ranma, nodding her head back towards the
three girls playing poker, with Ryoga making up a reluctant
fourth.
KODACHI: Three aces. Read them and weep, Ryoga-sama.
RYOGA: AAAARGH! Deal another hand! This time I *will* win back my
clothes!
Heh. But wouldn't it be more like this?
"Oh, the shame of it. You seem to be winning all of the hands, Ryoga-sama.
Now I'll have to expose myself completely to your gaze."
Spurt! Ryoga falls back, unconscious, blood flowing from his nostrils.
"Ryoga-sama! Oh, why are you beset with this affliction?!"
"Uh uh! Nope! No way!" he protested. Jeeze, Shukumaru
didn't have to even bother trying to kill him. One of his
eager fiancees would do the job for her one of these days.
Talk about oversensitive. Feh! "You're the one for me,
Akane. You know that!"
Swordpoint notwithstanding, is he really gonna say that with the others
in earshot?
Er, read my answer to Vince for the new change in the scene.
<Why do ya serve the Demon Lord of the East, anyway?>
Ranma wondered curiously. The question posed by Cologne had
been churning in his mind. He still couldn't think of an
answer.
<Because the Lord of the West pays crappy wages.>
Heh. :)
Ranma fell silent, thinking about the strange concept of
redeeming demons. It was crazy! Shukumaru obviously only
wanted to kill him and Akane and his mother. So why-- But
he had saved her that night on the warehouse roof where
they had battled rather than let that weird silver weasel
thing cut her to bits. Maybe there was something to this
redemption notion.
A good realization, but it seems a little too quick, IMO.
I may expand it a little.
Thanks for the excellent comments, Gary.
Phil.
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