On Mon, 20 Mar 2000 17:58:39 -0800, Kevin D. Hammel for Dani Yanega
wrote:
The boy is about sixteen, with raven black hair tied into a short pig tail,
with eyes as blue and fathomless as the ocean. His appearance at a quick
Which Ocean? They're not all blue.
glance is also deceiving, he stands about five feet ten inches. With a
weak wiry build, looking closer you can see he stands like a fighter, and
weak? I don't understand what you mean by "weak wiry build"
How about "compact wiry build" or simply "wiry build"?
The old guide tries to get the fighters attention and shouts another
warning but it is cut off, as the guide winces, when...
"Oh, please Mr. Customers is very dangerous must not fight at Jusenkyo,
must stop before fall in..."
Improper ellipse. An ellipse is three dots with a space on either
side. " . . . " as in "must stop before fall in . . . "
It is to late, Genma using a spin kick, hits his son in his solar plexus
'was' not 'is'
'too' not 'to'
'It was too late. Genma using a spin kick'
"Now I will get my revenge for the Hell you have caused me Saotome!"
What 'Hell'? I'm probably mistaken but isn't the "Hell" that Ryoga
always complains about a reference to his Curse and the consequences
(being the Blue Plate Special) of it? All that's happened up to this
point is that Ryoga has followed Ranma after Ranma 'ran out' on their
duel.
Ranma hits the water with a loud splash, he feels his body tingle and begin
to shift its shape, as he brakes the surface of the pool she hears the
'breaks' not 'brakes'
"'he' brakes . . . 'she' hears"? When Ranma hits the water he is
still male, "he feels his body tingle" is okay. But when Ranma
breaks the surface 'he' is a 'she', so it should be "as she breaks
the surface of the pool she hears "
Ranma slowly and mechanically climbs out of the spring, she turns her back
on her father and the guide. It is then she notices the other boy frozen
in mid stride with a look of horror on his face. When Ranma looks at him
with horror and disbelief emanating from her eyes. The other boy slowly
backs away from the springs.
Please examine this sentence from the above paragraph:
When Ranma looks at him with horror and disbelief emanating from her
eyes.
And? What does Ryoga do when Ranma looks at him with horror and
disbelief . . . ? Also, it begs for commas. And "looks" is the
wrong tense. This sentence and the last sentence should be combined
into one sentence. Something like this:
"When Ranma looked at him, horror and disbelief emanating from her
eyes, the other boy slowly backed away from the springs."
Ryoga keeps the beautiful red-head girl in his sites as he backs away from
the pain, horror, fear, and depression he sees play across her face. He
sights. And watch your tenses. Since you already used 'backs away'
in the previous sentence (or 'backed away' in my suggested revision)
its usage here is redundant.
In fact, you might want to take those last two sentences from the
previous paragraph and combine them with sentence in a separate
paragraph. Something like this:
1st paragraph: Ranma slowly and mechanically climbs out of the
spring, she turns her back on her father and the
guide. It is then she notices the other boy frozen
in mid stride with a look of horror on his face.
New Para: While Ranma looked at him, Ryoga slowly backed away
from the springs, keeping the beautiful red-head girl
in his sights as he pulled away from the pain,
horror, fear, and depression that played
across her face.
Last Para: He can't believe what his eyes are telling him, his
mortal enemy has just been changed into a girl. This
broke through his anger, his hate and allowed him to
realize he will be cursed as well if he stays.
This, of course, is just a suggestion.
He watches as the girl's father comes up and punches the back of her head,
Mabe I'm wrong. But it just seems like you're continually mixing
tenses. "He watches" is present tense I believe. But "father comes
up" is seems past tense. If someone out there has a better grounding
than I do in basic grammar, please correct me.
knocking her to the ground, as she struggles to get to a kneeling position.
"Stop acting like a weak girl, boy take this like a man, you must make
comma in the wrong place. Should be after 'boy' not 'girl'.
sacrifices for the Art!"
and curled into a fetal position, while breathing heavily. Genma with a
missing a comma after 'Genma'.
look of pure disgust then leans down and grabs the girl by her bright red
missing comma after 'disgust' and it is unnecessary to describe the
pigtail as 'bright red'. We already know she has red hair. Unless
of course the pigtail is a brighter red than the rest of her hair.
The phrase 'then leans down and' is a waste of space. Try rewriting
the sentence. You could try this:
"Genma, a look of pure disgust on his face, grabbed the girl by her
pigtail and jerked hard on it to haul her to her feet." Now that
would give a much deeper sense of what kind of asshole Genma is in
this story.
pig tail and jerks hard on her hair to try and haul her to her feet. When
a great red aura flares up round the pained girl. It explodes into
This is not a sentence. 'When a great red aura flares up round the
pained girl.' I'm not sure why, but it just isn't. You need to
rephrase it. And are you trying to use the 'around' with out the
'a'? If so, you need an apostrophe in front of the word 'round'. As
in: 'round
springs. Genma was not so lucky he takes the brunt of the fiery blast as
semicolon after 'lucky' I think.
it knocks him back and into one of the pools. When he emerges water
as opposed to knocking him forward or sideways. Waste of space.
Suggest: "it slams him into one of the pools behind him."
dripping off his seven foot tall black and white fur covered body. The
'When he emerges . . . ??? What? What happens when he emerges? You
need a comma after 'emerges', the "water dripping off his seven . . .
et cetera . . . body" is a descriptive phrase. If you drop the
descriptive phrase do you have a complete sentence with "When he
emerges,"? No. You do not.
How about, "When he emerged, seven feet tall and furry, he was still
too shocked by his son's actions to listen to the guide.
guide standing up shaking his head and tsks.
"Oh, sir you fall into Spring of Drowned Giant Panda, very tragic story of
panda who drown in spring 2000 years ago."
The young man watches with anger as the girls father viciously kicks her
You seem to be trying to tell the story from two different
perspectives. And by doing so, you are continually repeating the
scenes already described. I don't get it. I also don't get why you
are using the phrase "The young man" when you've already identified
him as Ryoga. Why use three words when one will do?
"Ryoga watched " et cetera.
As she slowly gets to her feet, Ranma notices that the screaming voice in
'rose to her feet', 'climbed to her feet', 'struggled to her feet'.
Anything would be better than 'gets to her feet'
her mind has subsided to a quiet whimper, it fells like her mind was
'felt' not 'fells' and not 'feels' either.
shredded into tiny pieces then put into a blender on puree. As she
As metaphors go, that one's pretty good.
as he sputters out...
Improper Ellipse.
"B..but you are my heir what a..about the joining of the schools, you
m..must fulfill the agreement, you c.can't do this!"
Run on sentence. Put a period after 'heir' and capitalize 'what'.
Also, put a question mark after 'schools' and capitalize 'you'.
Totally Improper Ellipse. Use only two dots or even one dot
('c.can't') is just plain ignorant. If you don't want to use an
ellipse, use a hyphen. Such as: "B-but you"
Example: "B-but you are my heir. What a-about the joining of the
schools? You m-must fulfill the agreement, you c-can't do this!"
Realizing he said to much Genma tries to divert Ranma's attention.
'too much' not 'to much'. Comma after 'much'.
"What has happen to you son you're suppose to be a man not this
_weak_ little girl."
happened not happen.
Run-on sentence. Suggest: "What has happened to you, son? You're
supposed to be a man, not this _weak_ little girl."
"There will be no joining of the Anything Goes Martial Arts Schools, or a
fulfilling of an agreement of two _drunken_ fools. As of now you have no
son _you_ have killed him. Ranma's part of the pledge you made to his
semicolon after 'son' "As of now you have no son; _you_ have killed
him."
mother has been fulfilled. You will fill all the other pledges you have
made for he _will not._"
comma after 'made'
"WHAT HAPPEN TO MY SON!!"
HAPPENED -- past tense!
"It seems son no want back with you."
States the guide flatly, as he tries to brush out the wrinkles in his top.
"But elders at Joketsuzoku village of Amazons may know."
Those three sentences should be all one paragraph.
"It seems son no want back with you." Stated the guide, flatly, as
he tried to brush out the wrinkles in his top. "But elders at
Joketsuzoku village of Amazons may know."
"Take me there."
Says Genma with a look of distraction as he watches where his child had
left, heading toward the mountains. The guide leads Genma in the opposite
direction his son has taken.
These two paragraphs should be one paragraph:
"Take me there," said Genma, with a look of distraction as he gazed
where his child had gone, heading toward the mountains. The guide
led Genma in the opposite direction his son had taken.
===========================================
I liked the premise of this story. It sounds like it would make an
interesting alternate vision of Ranma, depending on where you are
planning on taking it. I strongly encourage you to continue with
this story.
Oh, the rewritten sentences and paragraphs are just my suggestions.
You are certainly under no obligation to use them as is or at all.
You do need to take a look at the tenses you use. And you may want
to rewrite this so it comes from a single perspective.
Richard Person
Seattle
<Where the Sunshine, dry or wet, never ends>