Thomas Schauer wrote:
Letters to Home
A Ranma � Fanfic
Disclaimer: This fiction is based on characters created and owned by
Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, etc. These characters are not used
with permission with the creator/owner.
Note: This is the first fic I*ve attempted to write in quite a while,
so constructive criticism would be appreciated. You*ll note that this
is an *altaverse/alternate setting fic.* The nature of the difference,
I think, should be obvious rather early. Please let me know if this
assumption is in error or if you have any questions.
For some odd reason I seem to be getting asterisks where apostrophes
should be. Is this what you intended, or are you using a non-ASCII text
format to write this?
Finally, don*t be gentle. If the fic just plain sucks, say so. But please tell me what I can do to fix it.
Well, without further ado:
Letters to Home Part 1
*****
RECRUITMENT
MINISTRY OF WAR
KASUMIGASEKI
TOKYO
September 14, 1941
Saotome Ranma
Tendo-ke
Nerima, Tokyo
You are hereby notified that your country has need of your services
in honorable combat against the enemies of Japan. You are ordered
to report for duty at 0800 on September 17, 1940 at Akachida Base
in Tama City, Tokyo Prefecture.
(signed)
Gen. Matsuda Yoshifune
Zounds! Ranma just got his draft notice, and he's already AWOL! (You
have him reporting for duty by 1940 vice 1941, the date given in the
address.)
*****
September 24, 1941
Saotome Genma
Tendo-ke
Nerima, Tokyo
Oyaji,
I*ve finished my first week of basic training. Five more to go.
<snip>
Then there*s the training, if you can call it that. Most of it
is just marching around all over the place holding guns. Even Kuno
finds it boring. When I think about how little smarts he has, I think
that*s saying something. But they have us do it all the time.
Marching in formation here. Marching in formation there. As if we*d
ever march in formation in an actual battle.
This is just me being picky, but one of things they'd probably drill
into Ranma's head early on the fact that his weapon is not referred to
as a 'gun,' but in fact a rifle. The term 'gun' is exclusively reserved
in the military for smoothbore weapons, that is, those without rifling
grooves in the barrel, usually of a bore of 20mm or greater.
<big snip>
Other than the weird exchange of apostrophes with asterisks, there are
no glaring grammar/punctuaton/spelling mistakes. My only complaint with
the 'fic seems to be that it is rather dry. The succession of letters
limits the dramatic impact of the story.
My suggestion would be to intersperse the letters with bits of prose,
say of Ranma sitting somewhere in Indochina on garrison duty writing his
letter. That would allow you to describe his surroundings; how hot it
might be, the insects, the boredom, how he feels about the war in bits
of dialogue with his comrades, much better than simply by writing "it's
boring here." You could also write scenes with the characters who are
receiving Ranma's letters, how they feel, their concerns, the news
they've heard about the war from their perspective and such. This would
help bring to life the slice of history you are writing about, and give
the story some needed color.
I hope this helps,
Jamie
--
"I choose you - PIKASPEW!!!"
Jamie to 2 month old daughter Madeline,
shortly after being spat up upon...
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