"Mark Davis" <nausicaa@sprynet.com> wrote:
Not a repost -- This is a brand new chapter! ^_^
It's pretty sad when new chapters are the exception rather than the
norm.... :)
"So, Wing said without looking up, "the challenge has
"So,"
"Hey Ranma! Go get 'em tonight!"
"Hey, Ranma!
"Nabiki!" he growled. "I should have known! Why does
every fight I have turn into an opportunity for her to make
money?"
NABIKI: It's called "fanfic cliche," Ranma.
RANMA: It was a rhetorical question, okay?
"Ranma," Akane said, "I don't think you should take this
fight so nonchalantly...."
That's the second character to use that word. Could she phrase it
differently here?
It should be noted that, for reasons that weren't entirely
clear, Ranma thought of Ryoga less as a rival and more as his
best friend whom he frequently beat up. The feeling was not
quite mutual, since Ryoga really didn't count anyone as a
friend, but there was something to their relationship as rivals.
In any case, Ryoga could show concern for his rival if only
because he did not want anyone to defeat Ranma before he
himself had managed it.
No offense, but... bleah. :) This paragraph is quite clumsy, especially
compared to the crisp and clear narrative of the rest of the story. And
is it really necessary? If you want to establish something about Ranma
and Ryoga's relationship, it would be better shown than told. Or if you
insist on telling, at least tell us through the thoughts of one of the
characters, rather than breaking the POV for direct author-voiced
exposition.
While Ranma considered his options, Mousse managed to
stand up straight. A slow grin spread across the goggle-
wearing boy's face, and he drew himself up into a battle-ready
stance. Then, with a scream of "Bakusai Tenketsu!", he
Tenketsu!" he (don't double-punctuate)
Ranma anticipated the third attack better. He leaped into
the air, fired off his patented "Moko Takabisha" chi blast, and
launched himself straight at Mousse, cursing himself forever
for ever
Characterizations are quite good; everyone's behavior seems to make
sense. I'm not sure why I should care whether Mousse ends up beating
Ranma, though; I doubt it'd make any real difference in Shampoo's
behavior toward either of them, but I suppose we shall see.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html