All C&C are my opinions and suggestions only.
Mark Davis wrote:
"Hey, Mousse," Ranma said, without turning around. He
ducked down, allowing a chained blade and a chained mace to
Suggest: 'chained blade and mace' to avoid repetition.
"Naturally," Nabiki replied. "Ranma has never met a
challenge that he could refuse. If Ameratsu herself were to
Amaterasu
challenge him, the poor fool would not only accept, but would
actually believe that there was some way he could win."
Sure he would: :)
Ranma: Hah, call yourself a sun goddess?! You're so uncute, your legs are
so thick and your sunbeams suck...
Amaterasu [fleeing into a dark cave]: Waaaah!
[Ranma smirks, then spins around as he feels a tap on his shoulder.
Susanoo and the other gods are standing behind him. They look unamused.]
Susanoo [glaring]: How dare you do that, mortal?! I am the only one who
can insult my sister!
Ranma: Urk!
"My... friend?" Mousse asked. He glanced over at the
middle Tendo sister, who paused to smile sweetly at him.
"Well," he said, "she has been extremely helpful of late. With
both of you helping me, I can't help but win!"
Hmm. Let me say I like your Mousse/Nabiki interactions, but I hope it
doesn't become a typical story where Mousse and Nabiki plot together,
then fall in love. That's merely a personal preference, of course - your
story, your decision. I just feel it's been done many times before and
done well. It would take superior storytelling to lift the old plot to
new heights (with the quality of the story here, I would also point out
that that is within your capabilities).
"Hey! It's never my idea!"
"Right, Ranma," Akane said. "You fight, Nabiki makes
money off of the fight. That's just how things are. I learned a
long time ago that there's nothing I can do to stop either of
you."
A good point, except Akane has never really tried to stop fights between
Ranma and Mousse or Nabiki making money.
"Well, whatever," Ranma said, turning to head to class.
"It's not like this fight's gonna last more than two minutes
anyway. I mean, this is Mousse we're talking about."
Hmm. I think Mousse has put up a longer fight most times in the past.
"Ryoga!" Ranma exclaimed, his face lighting up. "How's
it going?"
It should be noted that, for reasons that weren't entirely
clear, Ranma thought of Ryoga less as a rival and more as his
best friend whom he frequently beat up. The feeling was not
quite mutual,
"Ranma, prepare to die!!!" :)
"I'm serious, Ranma!" Ryoga yelled.
"Ryoga," Ranma called out over his shoulder, "the day I
can't beat Mousse is the day I renounce my own manhood."
"What?! Did you hear--" Hiroshi blurted out.
"--Ranma said he was going to renounce his manhood! Yeah!" Daisuke
finished.
Hiroshi drooled. "That means 24 hours of Ranma-chan!"
Whack! Thud! "Shaddup, ya sick perverts! That's not what I meant!"
***
The serving tray shot across the Nekohanten like a stealth
bomber, flying swiftly and unerringly towards its target, which
just happened to be a very myopic Chinese Amazon teenager
with a flair for hidden weapons. This was nothing new. The
boy was leaning on his mop, staring into space with the goofy
expression of the lovesick on his face, and this too was nothing
new. However, seconds before the tray careened off of his
head, the boy ducked.
I presume Mousse was actually facing the tray?
"Mousse!" Cologne, the mummy in question, yelled. "Get
back to...."
Cologne leapt straight up as the tray shot under her.
Landing back on the counter, she paused and blinked in
confusion.
Hmm. It's been several days since Mousse started wearing his glasses,
Cologne might have picked up something by now, especially since his
behaviour and actions toward Shampoo have changed (ie. no longer
mistaking items for her).
Cologne frowned. She never failed to miss even subtle
changes in those around her, and this change was far from
subtle. She raised an eyebrow, then experimentally flung a
dozen deadly throwing knives at her unpaid busboy.
Without even glancing up, Mousse spun his mop about like a
balsa wood bo stick. When the mop ceased spinning, all
twelve knives were buried along the length of the handle.
Wait, how do the glasses help improve Mousse's blind-fighting skills?
Here you make it pretty clear he's not looking at the knives at all.
Most diners would think it healthier to eat off a clean
table, as opposed to the floor. The diners at the Nekohanten
would beg to differ. As implements of destruction sailed in
every direction, the regulars continued their meals beneath the
tables. When they said the Nekohanten served "food to die
for", it was not really a figure of speech.
Heh.
"With your goggles, and my support, he's got as good a
shot as he's ever had," she said. "Still, there's no accounting for
stupidity. If bad goes to worse, I'll give him some of my
patented invincibility pills, and hope that does the trick."
Wing Ho's eyebrows shot up.
"You have invincibility pills?"
"Of course! Nabiki Tendo's patented sports drink! Recommended by the
great Ran-- Yes, Ranma, this will cancel half of your debts to me."
The sports drink thing has been done before, of course, but I'm not
surprised Nabiki takes this tack. It's her style. :)
Cologne continued to watch over her noodles. There was
a blur of movement, and suddenly four bowls of ramen
appeared on the booth counter.
Sayuri laughed and clapped her hands, while her friends
Hiroshi, Daisuke, and Yuka grabbed their bowls. "Oh, you're
as amazingly fast as ever, Cologne-sama!" she exclaimed.
Hiroshi [sniffing]: You mean I don't get more than a cameo in this fic?
Daisuke [counting a wad of money]: Who cares? They're still paying us the
standard rate.
Cologne raised an eyebrow. Invincibility pill? My, but
the middle Tendo daughter was clever.
"Shampoo," she said, "there's no such thing as an
invincibility pill.
"But there is the near-invulnerability pill, the pseudo-invincibility
pill, the super-strength soba, the dragon pearl..."
"Whatever," Ranma said, standing casually and feigning
disinterest in the whole affair. "Let's just get this over with,
okay?"
Mousse nodded, and attacked.
Chained and bladed weapons of every sort imaginable flew
through the air at Ranma, who dodged and wove and avoided
Missing indent.
[snip cool fight scene]
breathing hard, amazed that his opponent was still standing.
He'd hoped to overpower Mousse with a good round of
Tenshin Amaguriken -- Chestnut Fist -- but somehow, Mousse
blocked nearly every punch. That was something only
Happosai or Cologne really knew how to do -- and only
because they knew the technique. Mousse was very fast
himself, but had never demonstrated the ability to reach the
blinding speeds of the Tenshin Amaguriken. So how was he
blocking Ranma's best moves?
Yes, how was he? The glasses don't really improve his speed all that
much. He may be able to see the attacks as they are initiated, giving him
better reaction time, but at the speed they coming in, if Mousse can't
match that speed, he still can't stop them.
This was going to be a long fight, much longer than he'd
planned, and he had stupidly used much of his energy on two
straight Tenshin Amaguriken attacks. Now he was low on
energy, and Mousse, while clearly hurt, had yet to fall. As
Ranma recalled, the amazon-boy could take an amazing
beating and still come back for more -- he wasn't quite the
freak of nature that Ryoga was, but he was no ordinary
opponent. Ranma had one good round of Tenshin Amaguriken
punches left in him, but if he expended that energy and failed
to drop Mousse, he could actually lose the fight.
Hmm. This would be true when Ranma first learned the Chestnut Fist. In
the battle against Ryoga, he only had enough stamina to use it three
times, but is it true now? Ranma has surely improved a great deal since
then, so he should be able to use the attack more than three times.
And then, the ground erupted beneath his feet. As if he'd
stepped on a land mine, rocks and debris shot up, pummeling
him and tossing him into the air. Caught off guard, Ranma
almost lost consciousness almost failed to right himself, almost
Missing comma between 'consciousness' and 'almost'.
failed to land back on his feet.
Mousse did not let up. A second chained weapon flew at
Ranma, landing at his feet. This time he managed to leap up,
avoiding part of the blast, but still getting hit hard.
Ranma anticipated the third attack better. He leaped into
the air, fired off his patented "Moko Takabisha" chi blast, and
Without needing to charge up?
launched himself straight at Mousse, cursing himself forever
stepping out of punching range. Mousse was a weapons
Missing a 'for' between 'forever' and 'stepping'. Or maybe it's a missing
space between 'for' and 'ever'.
Every trick but one, he realized. Ranma still had the
Hiryu Shoten Ha up his sleeve.
Mousse broke off his attack. He stepped back and,
concentrating managed to recapture the calm that he'd started
Missing comma after 'concentrating'.
"All right!" Ranma yelled. "I didn't want to resort to this,
but you leave me no choice! Saotome Secret Technique!"
Nabiki's jaw dropped open.
"No!" she yelled. "Stop him!"
Has Nabiki ever seen the Secret Technique? I'm sure she could learn about
it if she wanted to, even so.
"Great," Nabiki said. "Now he's going to actually think.
We're doomed."
Heh. Nice, very nice story. Well written, with excellent pacing and
grammar, and a cool and well-planned fight scene. That should be enough
to keep you writing this fab story, yes? :)
Phil - awaiting more.
Nausicaa@sprynet.com Belldandy@angelic.com
Fan Fiction at http://members.xoom.com/bellchan/ranfan.html
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