----- Original Message -----
From: Miller, Bert <bert.miller@unisys.com>
To: 'TimeRunner' <keiichi@i-manila.com.ph>; FFML <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Saturday, March 18, 2000 9:41 PM
Subject: RE: [FFML][C&C][Fanfic][Ranma]Mourning for Ukyou
<snip>
Same here. IMO, receiving substantial criticism is the
only way to improve as a writer.
I agree. Sometimes, it's the only way to improve as a person. :)
<snip>
While I agree that this was rather brief, the fact remains
that if you want
to gloss this part over it's your choice. My problem is with
the assumption
that the average reader would know or conclude who 'little Keiko' is.
Was this really a problem? The use of 'Uncle' fingers Keiko as
a Saotome child, I thought. Slight echo, too, of Ranma choosing
okonomiyaki over Ukyou.
I suppose. I was thinking of people unfamiliar with the series itself. Trust
me, many people on the list get to know a series only through the fanfics
that get posted. But I see no reason why you can't simply ignore this little
nitpick of mine. I guess it IS quite miniscule.
<snip>
Point taken. I'd forgotten that little episode momentarily, but
you're right, that makes it crystal clear that Ranma certainly
thought of Ukyou as female at the time.
Certainly. The potential of this setup is in the contrast between that view
and the current 'Ukyou as mael' view.
<snip>
"I miss you," Konatsu murmured, "I miss you so much it hurts.
Never... never again to feel your arms around me, your breath on
my neck, your fingers in my hair... And the children..."
This sounds like (and I certainly hope it wasn't what you
meant to say) Konatsu misses the feel of Ukyou's fingers in
the children. This sounds like a rather disturbing form of
quality time with the kids.
It was intended as disjointed stream-of-consciousness thought.
Oh well, it's clear it didn't work. Rewrite time.
Stream of consciousness is a valid way of portraying this grief; however,
don't forget that fiction has to be clearer than real life. It always is. In
real life, nothing is required to make any sense. :)
<snip>
"A smile momentarily crossed Ranma's face as he recalled one
particular incident."
Or something like that.
I like your suggestion and will probably use it.
Ah, feel free. :)
<snip>
Given my pronoun choice, I felt I needed something to show the
reader that this isn't an alterverse. I also wanted another Ranma
remembrance, a more concrete one, in here. SODVM seemed to
coalesce the two nicely.
I agree, but without proper buildup this is rather abrupt.
I think I'll keep this scene, but add a few other thoughts of
Ranma's to reinforce their real genders.
Like I said, the scene is fine. The buildup needs some work.
<snip>
<snip>
Good point: show, don't tell. I'll add some material such
as you suggest. I'll see if I can't 'un-cliche' Konatsu's
words to some extent, but I chose those words partly because
I think seriously grieving people _would_ be somewhat cliche.
They are, at least with what they say, but each person grieves differently.
I realized this during my grandfather's funeral. What matters to writers is
how each person can be portrayed differently, yet still tapping that common
current that allows others to sympathize with him or her.
<snip>
What if Konatsu never said these things aloud.
for example? Then the scene, because the viewpoint is through
Ranma's eyes and not Konatsu's, would look like this:
The sun chose that moment to peek through the clouds. A few
tears that clung to some smudged lipstick on her cheek gleamed
briefly. Ranma watched as she faced the sky and stood, slowly,
clenching a fist and holding it to her chest. He saw a resolve
grow in her eyes, a resolve he had rarely seen in
her before; smiling to himself quietly, he knew that it was
time to go.
Or something. ^^;
I like that. I'll probably use this, too.
Go right ahead :)
<snip>
the apparent lack of buildup for them is debatable. The problem
lies in the apparent lack of transition from male to female or
female to male; it's as if Ranma never thought of Ukyou as
female, which is jarring. Was Ukyou as female so forgettable
as not to be remembered on her funeral day?
You're right, that is disconcerting and jarring. Justifiable,
maybe, but certainly rude on my part.
Well, it is justifiable, certainly, but what is the justification? And don't
worry about being rude. We're allowed some leeway on that matter. :)
<snip>
Tone and style: I like the distance you've placed between the
viewpoint and the epicenter of grief; the problem here is that
you don't play that distance fully. You don't take advantage
of the fact that the viewpoint character, a well-defined
character, is not the most affected by the death
of Ukyou. So you tell and tell without filtering it through
Ranma's biases, through his experiences, through the nature
of his perceptions and insights.
All we have is Ranma placed there so that someone can watch
Kunoichi's struggle with her grief, and provide a few of his
own memories. The interaction is not there. There doesn't even
seem to be any clearly-defined relationship between Ranma and
Konatsu. You have chosen these two particular
characters to be the main players in the story. You have to
show everyone why the story cannot have been told using anyone
else. Why Ranma and Konatsu?
All good points.
The beauty of it is that you don't have to use all of them.
As it stands, the tone is diffuse, the emotional message is
only partly conveyed, and some of the lines are tired and trite,
which really is an injustice to what you're trying to achieve.
I agree, which is why I wasn't happy with the story as it stood.
Your's and Gary's feedback should help it a lot, though.
Glad to be of service.
<snip>
<snip>
In Saishu No Wakare, Ranma's grief is so clear and what he
has to say is so very like Ranma that it never becomes trite
or comical. Ranma does things in that fic that clearly shows
that the story could not have been told that way through
anyone's point of view but Ranma's. The way he acts, the way
he tries to speak to Ukyou and imagine how she would have
responded... That is good stuff.
I have downloaded this and will read it.
How did you like it?
Well, keep at it. As an aside and a blatant plug, have you read 'Closing the
Chapter'? :P
=====
Theory of Diminishing Fanfic Returns:
Actually, as a universal rule, the longer a series runs, the
less C&C it gets. This does not reflect on quality or popularity,
it merely means that it's now taken for granted. Ask any author
of long-running series, and a majority will tell you that their
C&C has dropped off since beginning their project.
In other words, it's business as usual.
-Rod M.