After a bit of writer's block (bleh), I suddenly had
the urge to write
about this idea I had after playing Final Fantasy
Tactics and some
lurking on agff. Maybe it'll get me back in the mood
for writing more.
Hmm... A bit old of a game, but then, who am I
to talk?
It was a long hard battle, with many wounded upon
the floating piece of
whatever-it-was in some hell-like place. The
twenty-foot-tall, dark,
angel-demon-thing looked a lot-the-worse-for-wear,
but it certainly had
taken its toll. Brian, the anonymous
half-ninja-half-chemist guy's
black-clothed corpse had almost crystallised, or at
least it would in two
more goes, while Agrias the Holy Knight was bleeding
heavily from a
piercing wound in the side of her crystal armour,
indicating that she had
only about 100 HP left. She staggered around
blindly, her helmet on her
head having been twisted the other way by the dark
angel, Altima, as she
used her large, white Save-The-Queen Sword -
pilfered from Meliadoul
much to the Divine Knight's annoyance - as a
walking-crutch.
Right then and there, I KNEW this was gonna be a
parody.
Far in the corner of the battle-ground, Nancy the
Dancer was relentlessly
dancing her Wiznibus routine, spinning around in
circles in the hope that
the dark angel would get annoyed enough to lose
another measly 30 HP each
time it looked at her, but since Altima was a female
- or at least she
looked like it, who can tell these days? - it was
not very effective.
A dancer? In the last battle? You have got to be
kidding.
Of course, Orlandu the Holy "Cheating Bastard"
Swordsman had only but a
tiny nick in his gleaming crystal armour, although
at the moment he was
ineffective to the battle as Altima had (quite
wisely) teleported away
from the ridiculously over-powered Excalibur user.
Now if only Altima did this too, in the game...
THEN it would feel like the last battle.
But unfortunately for the arch-angel, Altima had
teleported within the
vicinity of a certain blond, lightly-armoured figure
with a weird
ponytail, that was currently even more powerful than
the "Cheating
Bastard".
WHAT?! Ramza, more powerful than Orlandu?! How
the
hell is that possible?
"Die! Mother bitch!" Ramza screamed heroically,
giving himself yet
another +1 damage to his physical, speed and mental
abilities not to
mention 10 more brave points (tm).
Oh, yes, scream, scream, SCREAM!! Ahem... That
technique proved to be VERY useful against that goat
monster at the end of chapter 3.
Altima could only look on in fear as she tried to
float away. But since
the little meter that indicated her CT at 0 was in
the way, it was
impossible.
Fourth wall? What fourth wall?
Ramza's blue eyes flared like cold fire as he
crouched slightly and
leaped high into the air, gloved fists stretched out
behind him as he
arose into the evil arch-angel's face. Then Altima
screamed as Ramza
delivered a fatal blow to her chest, his hard fist
ripping right through
her demonic chest in a shower of black blood. And
since Ramza had "2
Swords" ability too, he struck with his other fist,
punching into
Altima's face so powerfully, the head popped off
with a squelching noise,
and flew in a long parabolic arc before it fell to
the ground and rolled
off the side of the platform into oblivion.
FATALITY!! Sorry, couldn't resist.
Ramza landed lightly in a light crouch, supporting
himself with one palm
upon the floor, and let out a sigh of relief. Behind
him, the floating
headless, demon-saint's body decided it was dead and
toppled over like a
felled tree.
But isn't it supposed to revive?
"Go, Brother Ramza!" a beautiful blonde woman in a
dress yelled out in
happiness as she started running toward him.
"Alma!" Ramza said in joyful weariness. He stood up
and intercepted her
in a giant hug, spinning her around. Alma laughed,
tears of joy streaming
from her equally-blue eyes.
Say, isn't the ship supposed to be breaking or
something? That's hardly a time for celebration.
Meanwhile, Orlandu was trying to reach Brian's inert
body, holding a
Phoenix Down in one hand. "Dammit!" he swore when he
realised that the
body had already turned to a blue crystal. Then
shrugging, he said, "Oh
well," and walked into the crystal to heal his one
lost hit point.
"Oh my god! He absorbed Brian! You bastard!"
"Yes, you can finally stop now," Agrias replied,
finally loosening her
helmet enough to remove it. She threw it away in
disgust as she freed her
sweat-dampened blonde hair and then looked around
eagerly for Ramza.
Finally she could declare her love for him in true
Knight's honour, now
that the quest had been accomplished. But when she
turned in his
direction, her mouth dropped open in surprise.
Hmm... It's kinda hard to imagine Agrias in love
with Ramza... But then, there are few other heroines
in the game with possibility.
Ramza and Alma lay in passionate embrace, faces
locked together pashing
madly.
....... Aceeee, you forgot to put the [incest] on
the subject line...
Ramza followed his gaze and found his hand still
attached to the upper
swells of Alma's half-revealed breast in the top of
her dishevelled
dress. Startled, he let his hand drop away and
attempted to recover. "How
dare you stare upon the gentle person of my dear
sister!" he declared.
That's a pretty good excuse, actually,
considering
the circumstance.
Then Orlandu shook his hooded head. "Ramza, you poor
sinful boy. No
wonder you were so eager to rescue your sister ...
all this time we were
searching for evil and it was underneath our noses
all along." He lifted
his huge shining gold Excalibur sword out in front
of him. "Brother and
sister ... I cannot allow it!"
"Alma is mine, insolent youth!"
Agrias was in a jealous rage. "How could you Ramza?
I am much more
powerful than she is! Have you not seen how my Fire
4 compares to her
puny magic? And my secret "Concubine" class is at
level 7 while hers is a
puny level 6!" She also lifted her shining white
Don't you know it's not nice to make fun of
somebody's job? ^_^
sword before her. Well,
it was hers now since Meliadoul was sent to the
'reject-bin' along with
all the crappy chocobos, Cloud and all the other
anonymous characters
that have never been used since their first try.
Actually, Cloud proved to be even more powerful
than Orlandu at the last battle...
"That's nothing," Nancy declared. "My "Whore" class
is at level 8
mastered! I should get Ramza!"
If you replace z with n and switch it with m...
Never mind.
"No!" Agrias screamed. "And you shall die in folly
beneath a Holy
Knight's sword! Steady Sword!" Her lips pulled back
in >a grimace as she
swung Save-The-Queen and a stone-shaped burst of
crystal erupted from
the
tip to engulf Nancy in a painful aura of energy. "How
dare an anonymous
female character try to take the property of a
special >story-based
female
character!"
Cat fight! Gotta love it!
Nancy exclaimed a cry of pain but managed to survive
the blast. "That's
it! And it's supposed to be 'Stasis Sword you bitch!
Unknown Dance!"
She
stepped back and begun the random movements of the
dance with
provocative
sways of her thinly-clad body.
The dancer in FFT never seemed sexy to me...
But Ramza dived, taking his beautiful sister with
him, >dodging the two
fatally-intended bolts of destruction. "Orlandu,
stop!"
How do you dodge "Lightning Stab"? It's got 100%
accuracy.
"I cannot," Orlandu said condescendingly, shrugging
the folds of his
green cloak back from his mighty sword-arm. "I am a
Holy Swordsman and
what you two have done is a sin that cannot compare
to >even the evil
Altima's doing."
This is getting outta hand...
Orlandu cried out in agony as he staggered backward
>from the assault.
"Damn, I forgot you've been screaming at yourself for
just about the
whole battle," he said in pain. "But you will still
die as I am the
most
overpowered character in the game! Night Sword!" He
No argument about THAT.
"Thanks, sis!" Ramza kissed her hard on the lips and
By this time, his lips should be split open and
very bloody. How kinky.
"Hah!" Orlandu gloated weakly, blood dripping from
the >corner of his
lip,
"Now I shall counter!" But nothing happened as he
stood there waiting.
"What? $%^&%$#!!!! It didn't counter! For that, DIE!"
With a ringing of
steel, he pulled out another Rune Blade in his free
right hand. "Two
strikes of my swords means you are dead, Ramza my
boy!"
"Then Alma's all mine, hahahaha!!"
"Ribbit?" Orlandu said.
The action scene was quite exciting actually,
even with the comedic tone. Well done.
Finally, only Alma and Ramza stood on the
battlefield, >each hugging
each
other with one arm around each other's backs. Well,
Orlandu was there
too, trying to attack Ramza's boot, but that was soon
stopped by a
stomp
and a wet squishing sound.
Killer Instinct, anyone?
"Yes, Brother Ramza," Alma sighed delicately. "But
first ... it's been
so
long and ..." She smiled wickedly as she began to
pull >his light armour
off.
And you know what happened next...
Making love in the deepest abyss of hell, with
the
only platform sinking and exploding. How romantic.
Hmmm ... I was just thinking about who *would* be the
best candidate
for
Ramza's "partner" in the game and this resulted.
After
There aren't much, unless you count yaoi...
cycling through
all the female characters in my head, it just seemed
to me that Alma
was
the most-likely candidate despite her being his
sister... and plus it
explains why there was only Ramza and Alma riding
away >on Chocobos in
the
end and no one else from the group with them. After
all, everyone knows
that everyone dies in Final Fantasy Tactics *grin*. I
just explained
how
the rest of them do too.
Didn't think you could write such a nasty humor.
By the way, don't bother calling me a sick bastard
because its hardly
new
knowledge for me ^_^.
"Sick bastard" is too inadeuqate.
C&C, flames, laughter, whatever appreciated!
Hope you liked this.
And finally, cheers to Final Fantasy Tactics: Best
Final Fantasy game
ever (imo)!
IMO, the best one is VI. Oh well, let's not argue
about that, or we'll get tempbanned.
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