Thanks for the substantial criticism!
"Miller, Bert" <bert.miller@unisys.com> wrote:
Akane put a sympathetic hand on the bereaved wife's shoulder and
murmured a few words. Then, with a last glance and nod at Ranma,
she shepherded the Saotome and Kuonji children out. As she left,
little Keiko asked if this meant no more of Uncle Ukyou's
okonomiyaki.
I wonder why you've chosen to minimize this particular bit. I'm really
curious to know how this made Akane feel, and how she responded.
To tell the truth, it didn't even occur to me. Now that you point
it out, though, I am intrigued.
Dead at thirty-eight: much too young, Ranma thought. It had been
a simple heart attack. Ukyou had been too busy working to get
enough exercise, and the men of the Kuonji family, it turned out,
had a history of heart trouble. Ukyou had put on a lot of weight
after turning thirty, eventually resembling a clean-shaven version
of his father.
Now *there's* a mental image to beat all mental images.
Fanart, anyone?
:)
Ranma uneasily shifted the umbrella from hand to hand, shrinking
>from a slight patter of drops. Ukyou: dead and gone. The child
Ranma brawled with; the youth Ranma adventured with; the man Ranma
drank with, played shogi with, commiserated about women with.
Gone for good.
"The youth Ranma adventured with" seems an odd way for him to remember
Ukyo's manga days. She was out of the loop on most of the big
adventures. Why isn't she the youth who wanted to marry him, or
somesuch? Seems to me that would be more likely to stand out in his
memory, even if he *now* thinks of Ukyo as one of the guys?
Yep. Pretty much everyone who's written has serious problems with
Ranma's selective memory. I'll need to change this.
True, Ranma thought, but Ukyou always had been protective of
Konatsu. The former female ninja's skills were formidable, but
she didn't have the will to use them in her own defense. Once,
Suggest simply "the former ninja's" (the mention of gender seems odd
there, and makes it seem like you're calling him a former female.)
I'll think I'll just change it to "kunoichi". I had it that way
originally, then changed it for some reason.
Ukyou wouldn't have even been breathing hard after leaping over
the counter of his restaurant, rolling up the sleeves on his thick
arms, screaming about jackasses, and clobbering the man who'd
attempted to pinch his wife.
This seems rather clumsy to me. How about:
Once, Ukyou could have leapt over the counter of his
restaurant, rolling
up the sleeves on his thick arms, screaming about jackasses, and
clobbering the man who'd attempted to pinch his wife, all without even
breathing hard afterwards.
Or something.
I agree it's clumsy. I think I'll use TimeRunner's suggestion,
though; it's much better.
"I miss you," Konatsu murmured, "I miss you so much it hurts.
Never... never again to feel your arms around me, your breath on
my neck, your fingers in my hair... And the children..."
"... well, okay, I can still feel the children."
This reading would never have occurred to me, but you're not the
only one to make this point. I'll rewrite, something like:
hair..." Konatsu paused, then sobbed anew. "And what about
the children? How can I raise them alone?"
Yeah, Konatsu was going to have it tough by herself, with two kids
still in school. He and Akane'd help out where they could, sure;
but they weren't well off either.
Suggest "He and Akane would" Normally I don't mind contractions in
narrative, but this one doesn't seem to fit the tone.
Agreed.
Ranma grinned momentarily as one memory in particular crystalized.
They'd been thirty or so, all over at his and Akane's place.
Ryouga, Ukyou, and he had been on the veranda with a beer apiece,
the wives had been in the kitchen fixing dinner, and the kids were
off in the dojo playing. Pantyhose had appeared out of nowhere
with more Drowned Virtuous Man water, chasing Happosai, who'd been
More? That means he actually had some before? :)
Without something, though, readers not familiar with the story
might not realize this is canon. Maybe 'real'?
care. But Ranma knew that once Konatsu made a vow like this,
she'd stick to it. You just had to be around to offer some
practical advice once in a while.
He just had to be around (I think you mean)
Yep.
of the future Ukyou and Konatsu for a while, but I'd never found
the appropriate story vehicle. Obviously, I made a conscious
choice in my use of personal pronouns and adjectives for the
couple.
I don't mind that, but....
I think there's a real difference between the masculine Ukyo as shown
here and her portrayl in the manga. Young Ukyo wore men's clothes as a
badge of dishonor. This Ukyo is pretty clearly masculine because she
*likes* it and has accepted it as who she is.
Now, it's conceivable that in the future she could end up *happily*
becoming a male. Maybe she could even convince herself that she was
always like that. But why does Ranma seem to think so too?
Why wouldn't he remember her as the girl who later became masculine?
Well, Ranma never _has_ had a great memory, but it's obvious that
I need to do something about this.
At any rate, this was a departure for me, and I'm interested in
feedback on tone and style.
I think the style could use some work. My gut feeling on this
is that it
tells a lot where it would be more effective to show more. A good
example is the ending bit. We get told that Konatsu considers
doing away
with himself and then changes his mind, but we don't get that much
direct description of his feelings. We don't feel the cold
steel of the
blade in his hand, the prick against his skin, the overwhelming,
suffocating sadness as he starts to flip the store's sign to "closed"
once and for all but can't bring himself to do it. Concrete
details and imagery can really bring the story home to a reader.
Good feedback; you're right. I'll work on this.
All in all, a pretty good short, but I think it has potential to be a
lot better.
Funny, that's about what I said to Alan about his...
I'm inclined to agree, though. And yours and TimeRunner's
critiques ought to help a lot.