I'll place my comments where they may fall, and then I'll summarize them.
Brace yourself, I don't pull punches. I don't like people pulling punches
with my work, and I think I owe other people the same.
----- Original Message -----
From: Miller, Bert <bert.miller@unisys.com>
To: <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Saturday, March 18, 2000 7:02 AM
Subject: [FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma]Mourning for Ukyou
Mourning for Ukyou
(yes, inspired by Alan Harnum's story)
That was 'Mourning Becomes Ukyou', which I C&C'd, too. Heavily. I realized
why I did that just now, but I'll save it for later.
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic by HK Miller
17 March 2000 - FFML draft
<snip>
Rain fell gently but steadily onto the grave of Kuonji Ukyou as
the few mourners slowly departed. Kuonji Konatsu sobbed
helplessly into her hands, kneeling beside the new gravestone in
which her husband's ashes lay. Behind the widow stood Saotome
Ranma, holding an umbrella over the two of them.
Husband, eh? 'Over the two of them' is rather awkward, although I'm torn
whether or not 'Over the both of them' is better ow worse.
Akane put a sympathetic hand on the bereaved wife's shoulder and
murmured a few words. Then, with a last glance and nod at Ranma,
she shepherded the Saotome and Kuonji children out. As she left,
little Keiko asked if this meant no more of Uncle Ukyou's
okonomiyaki.
While I agree that this was rather brief, the fact remains that if you want
to gloss this part over it's your choice. My problem is with the assumption
that the average reader would know or conclude who 'little Keiko' is.
"So long, Ukyou," said Ranma to himself, standing behind and
holding an umbrella over himself and Konatsu. "Ryouga and I'll
hoist a few brews to you at our next guys' night out. They won't
be the same without you."
I am beginning to realize what it is I find strange about the style of this
fic, but I will reserve my judgement for later.
Dead at thirty-eight: much too young, Ranma thought. It had been
a simple heart attack. Ukyou had been too busy working to get
enough exercise, and the men of the Kuonji family, it turned out,
had a history of heart trouble. Ukyou had put on a lot of weight
after turning thirty, eventually resembling a clean-shaven version
of his father.
This referrence to Ukyou being male is getting very strange, especially in a
serious fic. I suppose it was intended to be this way; nevertheless I just
find it slightly jarring.
Ranma uneasily shifted the umbrella from hand to hand, shrinking
from a slight patter of drops. Ukyou: dead and gone. The child
Ranma brawled with; the youth Ranma adventured with; the man Ranma
drank with, played shogi with, commiserated about women with.
Gone for good.
Here is where my possibly subjective problem with the male Ukyou depiction
stands out - Ranma still thinking of Ukyou as male. This from the man who
asked 'Ucchan, do you love me?' Has something happened in the series that I
have to know about?
"Ukyou-sama," whispered Konatsu once more, "you shouldn't have
exerted yourself like that! You were no longer young."
True, Ranma thought, but Ukyou always had been protective of
Konatsu. The former female ninja's skills were formidable, but
she didn't have the will to use them in her own defense. Once,
'Mourning Becomes Ukyou' played on Ukyou and Konatsu's gender ambiguity
well; here we have to agree who indeed is truly male or female. I don't know
about you, but it blunts whatever emotional reaction I am supposed to have
toward the fic. The 'former female ninja' is a case in point; why does it
have to be hammered into us that she was female? Why not just use 'former
ninja'? Why not keep all references to her gender through pronouns?
Ukyou wouldn't have even been breathing hard after leaping over
the counter of his restaurant, rolling up the sleeves on his thick
arms, screaming about jackasses, and clobbering the man who'd
attempted to pinch his wife. This time, the unaccustomed strain
'Wouldn't have been'? As opposed to what and when? 'Once'? A complete
rewrite of this paragraph would do it good.
had proven fatal. Of course, Ranma wasn't exactly young himself,
either; his balding head and the shallow bulge around his waist
testified to that.
Ranma has not aged well, I see. ^^; Only thirty-eight and already he's
beginning to look like Genma.
"I miss you," Konatsu murmured, "I miss you so much it hurts.
Never... never again to feel your arms around me, your breath on
my neck, your fingers in my hair... And the children..."
This sounds like (and I certainly hope it wasn't what you meant to say)
Konatsu misses the feel of Ukyou's fingers in the children. This sounds like
a rather disturbing form of quality time with the kids.
Yeah, Konatsu was going to have it tough by herself, with two kids
still in school. He and Akane'd help out where they could, sure;
but they weren't well off either.
That's 'well-off'.
Ranma grinned momentarily as one memory in particular crystalized.
The placement of 'in particular' really hurts this sentence, especially with
a word like 'crystallized'. If you are dead-set on using 'in particular' or
the basic idea then I suggest you reposition it within the sentence, like
'Ranma grinned momentarily as a particular memory crystallized in his mind.'
'Momentarily' is another word that seems out of place in conjunction with
'grinned'.
If I had to rewrite this sentence it would come out as something like:
"A smile momentarily crossed Ranma's face as he recalled one particular
incident."
Or something like that.
They'd been thirty or so, all over at his and Akane's place.
Ryouga, Ukyou, and he had been on the veranda with a beer apiece,
the wives had been in the kitchen fixing dinner, and the kids were
off in the dojo playing. Pantyhose had appeared out of nowhere
with more Drowned Virtuous Man water, chasing Happosai, who'd been
laughing his fool head off. Ryouga, the hothead, had immediately
leapt to his feet and raced off to protect Akari. When Ukyou saw
the direction Ryouga was running, he'd laughed so hard he'd fallen
over backwards off the veranda and onto the ground, hitting his
head on the stone lantern. Ranma had started laughing too, but
stopped at the scream and loud splash from the kitchen. Ukyou'd
actually beaten Ranma to the kitchen, spatula out and furious.
Luckily, it'd been Konatsu, and not Akari or Akane who'd been
splashed, but Ukyou'd been livid over the damage to Konatsu's
kimono. Ranma chuckled at the memory of the lumps Happosai and
Pantyhose had carried on their heads for the next few days.
Which, to people not familiar to the series, would really seem strange, as
up to this point Konatsu had been referred to only as female, with no signs
to the contrary. Why wouldn't the water affect Konatsu? The writing style
has an odd, sometimes disjointed mixture of showing and telling.
Ranma shook his head and sighed. One more memory to keep of a
friend now gone.
"Why, Ukyou-sama?" whispered Konatsu. "Why did you have to die?"
Why indeed? Few men, Ranma thought, deserved death less than
Ukyou. He'd been a good father and husband, of course, working
hard, raising a family and keeping them fed; but Ranma could say
that about many acquaintances. Ukyou had been more: a staunch
friend, ready to fight to defend what was his, or his friends'.
Two 'friends' in one sentence. Somewhat awkward.
Uneasy, Ranma switched the umbrella to his other hand. He knew
he'd never been good in situations like this, but Akane had been
insistent in pointing out what they both knew: someone really had
to stay with Konatsu for a while. The kunoichi was quite capable
of catching lethal pneumonia from being too depressed to come in
out of the rain.
Another break in the mood. Granted, Konatsu could very well freeze to death
out in the rain and has enough of a martyr complex to carry it out, but the
way it is stated here really shatters the mood, making Konatsu's grief
almost comical. The 'lethal pneumonia' line in particular is really damaging
to the mood.
Konatsu was just a beautiful now at thirty-eight as she'd been at
sixteen. Only a wrinkle or two around the eyes gave away
Konatsu's true age. They'd made a good couple, though: the
brawny, rough-speaking husband and the modest, soft-spoken,
kimono-wearing wife. In private, Akane sometimes wished she had
Konatsu's looks.
Since the viewpoint character is Ranma, it would be better to say something
like, "Akane had once confided to Ranma that she sometimes wished she had
Konatsu's looks."
"What would you say to me, were you here, Ukyou-sama? How can I
go on? What must I do?"
Konatsu is on the verge of becoming too shrill to be sympathized with. I
feel at lot of it has to do with word choice, however; much of what she has
been whispering to herself is already cliche. If you can't change what she
has to say (admittedly, many people would say these things without any
regard for rules of cliche), then change how she says it, or present it in a
way that makes her grief stand out. Small details like running her fingers
over the engraved letters or looking skyward or even a description of the
expression on her face can convey the message with more clarity.
The sun chose that moment to peek through the clouds. A few
tears, clinging to the smudged lipstick on Konatsu's cheek,
gleamed briefly. Konatsu slowly stood, looking up and slowly
raising a clenched fist to just below her chin. "Ukyou-sama... I
promise I will keep the restaurant going! I promise I will raise
our children so that you will be proud of them! Only then will I
consider joining you!"
I... don't know what to make of this. I really don't like this scene. It
feels too much like a buildup for some punchline that is never coming. The
two 'slowlys' in the second sentence don't help, either. I do like the
smudged lipstick bit, though. What if Konatsu never said these things aloud.
for example? Then the scene, because the viewpoint is through Ranma's eyes
and not Konatsu's, would look like this:
The sun chose that moment to peek through the clouds. A few tears that clung
to some smudged lipstick on her cheek gleamed briefly. Ranma watched as she
faced the sky and stood, slowly, clenching a fist and holding it to her
chest. He saw a resolve grow in her eyes, a resolve he had rarely seen in
her before; smiling to himself quietly, he knew that it was time to go.
Or something. ^^;
Ranma raised the umbrella slightly; somehow, he was always
surprised that Konatsu was as tall as he was. Akane'd be happy
that Konatsu made this vow, though; they'd been half-afraid
Konatsu would follow Ukyou and leave the children in the Saotome's
'The Saotomoes' care'.
care. But Ranma knew that once Konatsu made a vow like this,
she'd stick to it. You just had to be around to offer some
practical advice once in a while.
Who is 'you'? Ranma? The general public? The readers?
The clouds were starting to disperse as Konatsu dried her tears.
Ranma put one arm around his friend's widow shoulder and carefully
helped her from the cemetery.
The End.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Notes:
This was inspired by Alan Harnum's story "Mourning Becomes Kuonji"
(and its own inspiration, in turn; I'll admit to a mischievous
desire to outrage certain parties). I've had in mind this version
of the future Ukyou and Konatsu for a while, but I'd never found
the appropriate story vehicle. Obviously, I made a conscious
choice in my use of personal pronouns and adjectives for the
couple.
Admittedly, though, the Ukyou fans have gotten pretty used to the beating
others seem to enjoy inflicting on them, what with 'Bitter End' and all.
It'll take a lot to get them riled up these days. Your choice with the
gender-specific referrences, however, seems forced; whether it's my own
personal taste or the apparent lack of buildup for them is debatable. The
problem lies in the apparent lack of transition from male to female or
female to male; it's as if Ranma never thought of Ukyou as female, which is
jarring. Was Ukyou as female so forgettable as not to be remembered on her
funeral day?
Another thing, Konatsu is portrayed so weak as to be almost laughable.
Granted, Ukyou was always the stronger-willed of the two, and Konatsu is
expected to grieve, but the things she says simply don't endear her to the
readers. Perhaps actions can speak louder and clearer than words in this
case.
My other motivation was that I thought Alan's opening scenario
should have had a different thematic treatment than he gave it,
and a more formal structure. He was happy with his story, so I
tried it myself. I'm not completely satisfied with the results,
so maybe Alan was right after all.
Or maybe both of you are. At any rate, Alan's story had undergone major
revisions before it became the version we see now. A good polishing will do
this story good.
At any rate, this was a departure for me, and I'm interested in
feedback on tone and style.
Tone and style: I like the distance you've placed between the viewpoint and
the epicenter of grief; the problem here is that you don't play that
distance fully. You don't take advantage of the fact that the viewpoint
character, a well-defined character, is not the most affected by the death
of Ukyou. So you tell and tell without filtering it through Ranma's biases,
through his experiences, through the nature of his perceptions and insights.
All we have is Ranma placed there so that someone can watch Kunoichi's
struggle with her grief, and provide a few of his own memories. The
interaction is not there. There doesn't even seem to be any clearly-defined
relationship between Ranma and Konatsu. You have chosen these two particular
characters to be the main players in the story. You have to show everyone
why the story cannot have been told using anyone else. Why Ranma and
Konatsu?
As it stands, the tone is diffuse, the emotional message is only partly
conveyed, and some of the lines are tired and trite, which really is an
injustice to what you're trying to achieve. The good news is there is
nothing that a good rewrite can't solve.
Here is why I thoroughly C&C'd both Mourning Becomes and For Ukyou: One of
my all-time favorite Ranma fanfics is Webdragon's 'Saishu No Wakare'. To me,
it still is the clearest demonstration on how to portray the grief that
comes with such a loss. As a beginning fanfic writer, when I first read it,
it became clear to me what I had to do to become a better writer. First,
make sure that my skills were up to the task of writing and writing lucidly,
and secondly to be able to convey emotions with prose that was as clean and
as potent as possible. I think that reflects in my writing, which many of my
fellow writers have described as 'sparse'. But I digress.
In Saishu No Wakare, Ranma's grief is so clear and what he has to say is so
very like Ranma that it never becomes trite or comical. Ranma does things in
that fic that clearly shows that the story could not have been told that way
through anyone's point of view but Ranma's. The way he acts, the way he
tries to speak to Ukyou and imagine how she would have responded... That is
good stuff.
All I do now is suggest you read it
(http://www.tass.org/fanfic/ranma.saishu-no-wakare) and see what you can
pick up.
Oh, and don't be discouraged. I really am this thorough with C&C. Just
imagine how I am with myself!
=====
TimeRunner's Web Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482
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"Whatever," her heard her say sarcastically, although he could still hear
the grin in her voice. "You'd better not be messing around back there while
I'm gone, buster!"
"Mess around? Me? I'm hurt, Yui, truly hurt."
"Uh-huh."
"No, seriously!"
- Yui and Gendo Ikari, Neon Chronicle Evangelion 0:1