^_^
Since I'm working on Sukeban Senshi chp. 7
I'm in a Sailor Moon mood.
My comments ##
From:
"Cyanne Coldsteel" <cyanne@home.com> | Block
address
To:
<ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject:
[FFML] [SM][C&C wanted] Through the Eyes of
the
Shadow
Date:
Thu, 16 Mar 2000 23:14:42 -0500
This is my first fic ever so please be gentle. ^_^
##^_^ This is like blood in the water for the sharks
of FFML.
DISCLAIMER: The Sailor Senshi, Queen Serenity, Luna,
Artemis, Silver
Millennium and the rest of the Sailor Moon cast,
items, and all other
things
that is Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, DIC,
and Kodansha. Ryu
Haikai belongs to only three people, Me, myself, and
I. If you wish to
use
him (I don't know why you WOULD but who knows) please
ask. I'm a
generous
person and will normally say yes but may say no to
certain situations.
^_^
##IMO it's not a good idea to get too cute with
the disclaimer.
C&C is appreciated. Please send to cyanne@home.com.
Flames will be
saved
till winter time where I will use it to feed my fire
to warm my chilled
bones. Either that or I'll just use them to create a
massive bonfire
to
burn the many many many victims that I choose for my
daily sacrifices.
##again, don't get too cute with disclaimer.
In the Eyes of the Shadow
##Good title.
Chapter 1
The lone figure shifted silently in the shadows,
watching, waiting.
Soldiers marched passed, completely unaware of the
lurker in the
shadows.
##Ummm, we already know about the shadows. suggest
another term.
Chuckling silently, the figure ran noiselessly down
the hall, leaving
the
##silently//noiselessly too close together.
IMO need to change one or both.
soldiers completely oblivious that there was an
intruder inside the
castle
walls.
Upon nearing the massive double door, the thief
<or
Adventurer/Treasure
Hunter, he preferred to be called> came to an abrupt
stop.
##Ummm, IMO the <narration> is distracting and
disrupts the flow of the story.
(Shit!) he
thought, as he could see that the door was heavily
guarded.
##awkward. IMO the use of ( ) is clumsy.
better ::
*Shit!*The door was heavily guarded
OR
Shit! The door was heavily guarded.
The reader can tell that this is a thought from
context.
He had
slipped
past ten times the number of guards this particular
door had but his
instinct told him that these guards were different and
in his
profession, he
trusted his instinct more then anything or anyone in
the world.
(How am I going to get past those guards?
Slipping past them in
my
usual fashion isn't going to work, not this time and
there's no way for
me
to be able to fight them all.)
##IMO this is a little stilted for the situation. You
have, apparently, a thief
in a hazardous situation. The narration or internal
dialogue should reflect
the tension of the scene.
Example::
Guards . . .and not ordinary palace guards. These
were predators
guarding their lair. If they found him death would be
the least of his worries.
He couldn't slip past them as he had with the outer
guards and fighting
them would only be a particularly painful form of
suicide.
OR <trying to use first person, not my favorite>
*How the hell am I going to get past . . .can't slip
past
_them_ like I did those dolts on the outer wall. And
fighting's
no good. Not unless I want to end up with a real bad
case of dead*
These are ONLY examples. There are many ways to do
this scene.
In the first example a third person narrative set the
overall scene, showing
how dangerous the situation was. The second sets up
the narrators personality
a bit as well as showing his doubts about the whole
situation.
##The abrupt switch between third and first person is
a little
jarring as well.
Leaning against the wall, he looked
about
his surroundings, hoping to find something that might
be of use to him.
## "Leaning" seems a bit casual for the situation.
The
sounds of footsteps rang in the hall and he shrank
back deeper into the
shadows as the sounds grew closer. Coming from down
the hall was a man
dressed in armor similar to ones the guards were
wearing but more
ornate,
clearly showing that he was of a higher rank then the
other guards.
The
officer stopped before the guards and seemed to be
saying something.
##not bad but it's a little bland. again, this is a
very tense
situation and this scene doesn't support that as well
as it might.
The
lurker
##Another possibility would be to name "the lurker"
earlier
so you can use his name at his point. "The lurker" is
a little
awkward. OTOH sometimes it can't be helped. It's a
judgement
call and you know more about where the story is going
than I do. ^_^
hiding in the shadows, glided closer to hear what they
were
saying.
"..-quested that you report immediately to the
throne room."
"She asked that?"
The officer nodded and with a command from the
guard that was
talking
to the officer, the soldiers formed a rank and file
and marched off
down the
hall.
##Ummm, a very awkward read. Good idea but needs a
re-write
to make it a little smoother. Especially from:: "The
officer nodded . . .
marched off down the hall."
Perhaps breaking it into two or more shorter
sentences.
(Here's my chance!!), the young 'adventurer' thought
and so he
waited
until all the guards were out of sight before slipping
forward towards
the
massive double doors. Smiling, he reached up to push
open the doors,
but to
his surprise the doors opened at the slightest touch.
## ( ) is a little awkward.
Sentence structure is a bit stilted.
Looking around first, he entered the room. His
eyes grew wide as
he
took in the splendor of the room. The walls were made
from a
marble/crystal
hybrid, the light dancing along it while all the
colors of the rainbow
were
reflected. The ceiling was high vaulted, about 20
feet above the
floor.
Looking around, he realized that in such a large,
beautiful room there
was
nothing here, nothing except for a pedestal in the
middle of the room.
##A nice set up. I especially like the room empty
except for the crystal pedestal.
However, IMO, it would be more effective it tightened
up a bit.
Example::
His eyes grew wide as he took in the splendor of the
room. The marble-crystal
hybrid walls made rainbows dance and play along the
ceiling, twenty feet
above the floor. Looking around he realized the large
beautiful room
was entirely empty, except for a pedestal standing in
solitary splendor.
##The only difference is a slight re-write to tighten
things up and
make it a little smoother. Integrate things as much as
possible.
For instance, instead of saying "The walls were made
from . . ."
and
"The ceiling was high vaulted . . ."
which is rather static,
You can integrate all of this into a more active
description.
The example given is only one of several ways to do
this.
Walking forward, his footsteps echoing in the large
room, he approached
the
pedestal. Resting on a red satin cushion, on top of
the pedestal, was
a
crystal. It was small, no bigger then his thumb, the
'adventurer'
mused.
## I'm not sure about "the �adventurer' mused." IMO
this
is very awkward. The reader knows, from context, who
is musing.
Circular in shape, the crystal shone with a light that
seemed
impossible for
it to generate all by itself but it did and from the
looks of it, was
the
only source of light in the room. What was
particularly strange about
the
crystal was the fact that instead of being transparent
like most
crystals
were, this crystal was silver in color.
##awkward. ( Also crystals do come in colors. For
instance
citrine is a yellow quartz. ^_^) However it is
certainly legitimate
to mention that the crystal is an _unnatural_ color.
^_~
(This must be the legendary Ginzuishou.) Reaching
out, he grabbed
the
silver crystal and placed it inside a black leather
pouch that he had
brought specifically for this reason. Smiling proudly
to himself, he
turned
and ran out of the room as fast and silently as he
could, but before he
could get to the door, he was struck by something from
behind and his
whole
world went black.
********************
Groaning loudly, the would be thief woke up
slowly. Looking
around, he
took in his surroundings and discovered that he was in
a, what looked
liked,
well furnished room, albeit a bit dim lighted.
Feeling his face, he
discovered that he was no longer wearing his mask,
"Shit.."
Then he
felt for
the pouch he had slipped the crystal into, and that to
was missing.
"Strange.. Only my mask and the crystal are missing."
##Why strange? Take the mask to find out who he is.
Take the crystal
because it's the only thing of value he has. (or
because it belongs
to whoever took it. ^_^)
As he
contemplated
his next move, the door that was directly in front of
him opened. His
eyes
opened wide as he saw who entered. She was a tall
stately woman,
wearing a
long flowing white gown and silver hair that flowed
down her back and
were
tied in two long ponytails. (She's.. She's.)
Immediately the young man
got
to his knees, "You're majesty!"
The woman smiled slightly, "Stand. You are the
one known as The
Dragon'
s Shadow are you not? Tell me, what is your real
name?"
"M.my. my real name your majesty?"
"Yes. Your real name."
"H. H.. Haikai Ryu, your majesty."
"Haikai Ryu."
##Not bad. I'm not sure the people of the Moon Kingdom
would be speaking Japanese though.
Ryu nodded nervously, "Yes your majesty.. What are
you going to do
to
me?"
The woman smiled, "Nothing.. Yet. I will have
someone bring you
food
and drink shortly." With that she turned and left.
Queen Serenity shut the door behind her and
sighed, "He's to young
to be
the one but I have no choice..."
********************
"WHAT?!?! He's here?! THE Dragon's Shadow. One
of the greatest
thieves
in the universe is here, in one of OUR cells?!"
##He just doesn't come across as a great thief.
IMO you need to do a re-write to make this a little
more believable.
"Yes Artemis. Now calm down. He isn't going
anywhere."
Artemis laughed and scratched the back of his
head, "Sorry Luna,
it's
just that this is perfect. What do you think Queen
Serenity is going to
do
with him?"
The young woman Artemis called Luna replied with
a sigh, "I don't
know.
All I know is that we are not allowed to tell anyone
that he is here
and
that we are holding him. In fact I believe only the
three of us even
know
he's being held here at all. Plus, her majesty has
asked me to tell
you
that the two of us are responsible for bringing him
his meals."
"What? I wonder why she wants to keep him a
secret.."
"I don't know Artemis but I think it's time for
him to be served
his
meals so go and get his food from the kitchen."
"What? Why me?"
"Because I said so. I'll take him his food
tomorrow now Go!"
With that, Artemis headed off to the kitchen
grumbling all the
while.
##Interesting stuff. Still a little rough. Needs to be
smoothed up
a little.
Pretend you have to pay $0.25/word to post. ^_^ This
will encourage
you to cut out the non-essential ones.
********************
Ryu looked up as he heard the door open.
Sapphire blue eyes meet
Silver ones. (Who is this?) Ryu pondered as he looked
up to the tall
man
standing in front of the open door. He had long
silver hair that feel
about
mid-back and was wearing a simple suit of silver cloth
with a crescent
moon
made from silver hanging around his neck by a thin
leather strip. He
was
moderately tall, (Not as tall as I am though) Ryu
thought with pride,
and
the frame of his body was lean and lanky and he walked
with the grace
of a
cat.. His face was long and angular, with big silver
eyes that shone
with a
merry twinkle. In his hands was a simple wooden tray
that contained a
loaf
of fresh bread, a wedge of properly aged cheese and a
pitcher of cool
water.
##Took me a while to untangle this one. Again, some
nice stuff
but too wordy and convoluted.
Artemis grinned as he handed the tray to Ryu,
"Hello. I am
Artemis and
you are?"
Ryu smiled back as he took the tray gratefully,
"Haikai Ryu sir."
##Boy, master thieves are certainly polite.
Ryu (still can't get used to a Japanese name on the
Moon Kingdom)
seems very bland.
Artemis nodded and leaned against the wall, his
arms folded
carefully
across his chest, eyeing the young man who was
currently busy slicing
up the
cheese wedge and putting them into the pieces of
bread, making some
sort of
sandwich. He had blue-black hair that was cut to just
below his ears,
and
deep blue eyes the color of sapphires. His face
looked like it was
hewn out
of stone, long and rugged, the sharp features were
softened by the easy
smile he was currently wearing. Ryu was wearing a
form fitting black
doublet and matching pants that outlined his lean and
muscular
physique.
##Overly long descriptive passage that breaks the flow
of the story. ALL
of the information on Ryu's looks and clothing can and
should
be integrated into the story, not given in a large
chunk.
Artemis sensed a very easy and relaxed aura around Ryu
but also,
underneath
this aura, he sensed something darker, more secretive.
(Nah. it must
be my
imagination) Artemis thought.
##Ummm, he's looking at the greatest thief in the
universe
and can't believe said thief could have something dark
and secretive?
This doesn't ring true, IMO.
"How old are you Ryu?"
Ryu looked up at Artemis and after washing down
his meal with a
long
draught for water from the pitcher he smiled, "20
years old sir."
A look of surprise flashed on Artemis's face only
briefly before
he
quickly covered it up, (Only 20?!)
A knowing smile danced on Ryu's lips, "A surprise
to discover the
Dragon's Shadow is only 20?"
Artemis looked at him carefully, "Not really.
Are you done with
your
meal yet?"
"Huh? Oh yeah.."
Artemis nodded and took the tray, now empty of
it's pervious
contents,
"I'll be leaving now." With that, he turned and walked
out the door.
##Ummm, a little bland. IMO this section doesn't
really advance the story
very much or tell us much about the characters.
********************
Ryu leaned against the wall, his legs carefully
folded underneath
him,
as he contemplated his situation. Here he was, locked
away in a cell
located gods know where, no tools, no weapons and no
means of escape.
The
cell wasn't so bad, there was a comfortable bed and a
toilet.
Certainly a
lot nicer then some of the rooms he's slept in.
Speaking of rooms, he
was
suddenly reminded that all his things were still back
at that one inn
he
stayed at the night before his failed attempt to take
the Ginzuishou.
"Damn.. I could really use my flute or something right
now."
Sighing, he laid down on the bed and closed his
eyes, it was going
to
be a long night.
##The bit about the flute was nice.
Overall:: rather bland and slow moving.
An interesting premise and shows promise.
IMO it needs to be tightened up. In many places it's
too wordy
and slow paced, especially for a story that has a
master thief attempting
to steal the silver crystal. ^_^
The dialogue is overly formal and seems very stilted.
Having said that I'll make a few suggestions. Keep in
mind that ALL
of this is ONLY my opinion. Take what you find useful
and ignore the rest.
I like playing with the early moon kingdom so I'm
predisposed to like
this story. AND I want to see more. IMO this is an
action adventure story
so the dialogue, scenes and characters need to reflect
this. I suggest you work on
Ryu's characterization some more. (I'd also suggest a
name change. That's purely
personal. I find a Japanese name on the Moon Kingdom
as unbelievable as
a Chevrolet in ancient Egypt.) WHY is he a thief? What
are his motivation, his early
life, etc. Work out some of his other thefts even if
you don't ever use them.
This helps build a more three dimensional character.
You also, IMO, need to put more detail and tension
into the opening scene and
the attempted theft. As it stands Ryu basically walks
into the palace, picks up
the crystal and gets knocked on the head. And he's
too darn polite. There's no,
or very little, dramatic tension.
I think this is a good first draft. IMO it shows you
understand the basics of writing
a scene, plot, characterization, etc. The basic short
coming is a lack of dramatic tension
and a certain blandness. I'll be glad to offer more
detailed suggestions if you wish.
In the meantime try looking at some of your favorite
mysteries or thrillers
to see examples of what I'm talking about. I like
Alfred Hitchcock's statement that
if you set off a bomb in a movie you startle the
audience for about a second. BUT if
you tell the audience that a bomb is going to go off
fifteen minutes from now
you can build the tension for fifteen minuted. But you
must never let the bomb go off.
Instead you go from that level of tension to ANOTHER
danger. You build the tension,
and let it off. Keep the audience (or readers) in
suspense with occasional
relief, which by contrast makes the NEXT level of
tension all the
greater. ^_^
Easy to say, hard to do.
I occasionally get it right.
If it's any consolation I often spend eight or nine
hours on a single scene amounting
to only five or six lines. And sometimes I'll re-write
a single line ten or more
times looking for just the right word. ^_^
You're doing everything right so far. It just needs
polish. I like the idea. Please keep
writing. I look forward to the next draft.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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