Bear with me... this is gonna be one of those C&Cs that's 2-3 times as
long as the fic itself. :)
"Miller, Bert" <bert.miller@unisys.com> wrote:
Akane put a sympathetic hand on the bereaved wife's shoulder and
murmured a few words. Then, with a last glance and nod at Ranma,
she shepherded the Saotome and Kuonji children out. As she left,
little Keiko asked if this meant no more of Uncle Ukyou's
okonomiyaki.
I wonder why you've chosen to minimize this particular bit. I'm really
curious to know how this made Akane feel, and how she responded.
Dead at thirty-eight: much too young, Ranma thought. It had been
a simple heart attack. Ukyou had been too busy working to get
enough exercise, and the men of the Kuonji family, it turned out,
had a history of heart trouble. Ukyou had put on a lot of weight
after turning thirty, eventually resembling a clean-shaven version
of his father.
Now *there's* a mental image to beat all mental images. Fanart, anyone?
:)
Ranma uneasily shifted the umbrella from hand to hand, shrinking
>from a slight patter of drops. Ukyou: dead and gone. The child
Ranma brawled with; the youth Ranma adventured with; the man Ranma
drank with, played shogi with, commiserated about women with.
Gone for good.
"The youth Ranma adventured with" seems an odd way for him to remember
Ukyo's manga days. She was out of the loop on most of the big
adventures. Why isn't she the youth who wanted to marry him, or
somesuch? Seems to me that would be more likely to stand out in his
memory, even if he *now* thinks of Ukyo as one of the guys?
True, Ranma thought, but Ukyou always had been protective of
Konatsu. The former female ninja's skills were formidable, but
she didn't have the will to use them in her own defense. Once,
Suggest simply "the former ninja's" (the mention of gender seems odd
there, and makes it seem like you're calling him a former female.)
Ukyou wouldn't have even been breathing hard after leaping over
the counter of his restaurant, rolling up the sleeves on his thick
arms, screaming about jackasses, and clobbering the man who'd
attempted to pinch his wife.
This seems rather clumsy to me. How about:
Once, Ukyou could have leapt over the counter of his restaurant, rolling
up the sleeves on his thick arms, screaming about jackasses, and
clobbering the man who'd attempted to pinch his wife, all without even
breathing hard afterwards.
Or something.
"I miss you," Konatsu murmured, "I miss you so much it hurts.
Never... never again to feel your arms around me, your breath on
my neck, your fingers in my hair... And the children..."
"... well, okay, I can still feel the children."
Yeah, Konatsu was going to have it tough by herself, with two kids
still in school. He and Akane'd help out where they could, sure;
but they weren't well off either.
Suggest "He and Akane would" Normally I don't mind contractions in
narrative, but this one doesn't seem to fit the tone.
Ranma grinned momentarily as one memory in particular crystalized.
They'd been thirty or so, all over at his and Akane's place.
Ryouga, Ukyou, and he had been on the veranda with a beer apiece,
the wives had been in the kitchen fixing dinner, and the kids were
off in the dojo playing. Pantyhose had appeared out of nowhere
with more Drowned Virtuous Man water, chasing Happosai, who'd been
More? That means he actually had some before? :)
Konatsu was just a beautiful now at thirty-eight as she'd been at
just as
Ranma raised the umbrella slightly; somehow, he was always
surprised that Konatsu was as tall as he was. Akane'd be happy
that Konatsu made this vow, though; they'd been half-afraid
Konatsu would follow Ukyou and leave the children in the Saotome's
Saotomes'
care. But Ranma knew that once Konatsu made a vow like this,
she'd stick to it. You just had to be around to offer some
practical advice once in a while.
He just had to be around (I think you mean)
This was inspired by Alan Harnum's story "Mourning Becomes Kuonji"
(and its own inspiration, in turn; I'll admit to a mischievous
desire to outrage certain parties). I've had in mind this version
Trying to annoy Ukyo fans: the sport that *always* entertains. :)
of the future Ukyou and Konatsu for a while, but I'd never found
the appropriate story vehicle. Obviously, I made a conscious
choice in my use of personal pronouns and adjectives for the
couple.
I don't mind that, but....
I think there's a real difference between the masculine Ukyo as shown
here and her portrayl in the manga. Young Ukyo wore men's clothes as a
badge of dishonor. This Ukyo is pretty clearly masculine because she
*likes* it and has accepted it as who she is.
Now, it's conceivable that in the future she could end up *happily*
becoming a male. Maybe she could even convince herself that she was
always like that. But why does Ranma seem to think so too? Why wouldn't
he remember her as the girl who later became masculine?
At any rate, this was a departure for me, and I'm interested in
feedback on tone and style.
I think the style could use some work. My gut feeling on this is that it
tells a lot where it would be more effective to show more. A good
example is the ending bit. We get told that Konatsu considers doing away
with himself and then changes his mind, but we don't get that much
direct description of his feelings. We don't feel the cold steel of the
blade in his hand, the prick against his skin, the overwhelming,
suffocating sadness as he starts to flip the store's sign to "closed"
once and for all but can't bring himself to do it. Concrete details and
imagery can really bring the story home to a reader.
All in all, a pretty good short, but I think it has potential to be a
lot better.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html