A few things I've noticed,
Ranma didn't realize just how fast Ryouga'd gotten.
Ryouga might never be
as fast as him, but his opponent's speed was enough
to surprise oneself;
then Ranma cursed himself for not expecting the
Bakusai-Tenketsu.
It seems wierd for Ranma not to notice these things.
He
was always very observant before, quickly noticing how
his opponents fought and how their attacks worked.
"Ryouga, please! Stop it! It's not Ranma's fault!"
It's unclear what exactly it is that isn't Ranma's
fault. It would have to be explained since usually
Akane automatically assumes Ranma is at fault.
Again, he looked up. The madness in Ryouga's eyes
was nearly gone;
suggest: take out 'nearly'. (after what he's done, I
would expect Ryoga to forget about the anger)
He remembered spitting in the guy's face. "You
bastard! You love her,
and still, you fucking knocked her unconscious!"
suggest: 'you claim to love her' (after what he did
Ranma would not believe Ryoga loves Akane)
suggest: 'you fucking hit her' (just sounds better to
me ^_^)
It was when he stopped struggling that Ranma came to
his senses, and he
fled, Akane's body cradled in his arms.
suggest: 'he took off' (there wasn't really anything
to flee from, and the word fled suggests running from
something, which he was not doing)
However, hands, not her own, killed the water, then
slapped her across
the
face.
I am assuming that it was Ranma who did this. But
Ranma
doesn't hit girls.
Well, the story shows a lot of promise. There are a
few inconsistencies but they can easily be ironed out.
It would also be nice to know what Ranma and Ryoga
were fighting about in the first place. I like the
direction it's taking. Please continue.
jose argao
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