Hello. A quick bit of C&C. Hope you don't mind.
As always, all C&C are my opinions and suggestions only.
Esa Karjalainen wrote:
The sun rose, and another normal day began in Nerima. A sunny day,
You probably don't need that first comma (optional).
with few soft cumulus clouds floating in the sky, and a high
probability of quick, random rain. However, one of the residences in
the area began the day with some highly unusual activity.
"He's coming, oh, gods, he's coming! What am I gonna do?"
At the house belonging to a certain family, the Tendos, an old man,
not quite three feet tall, was in a frenzy. The normally unfazeable
master of Anything Goes school of martial arts, was running around the
house, carrying small piles of soft pieces of clothing.
"I've gotta hide these! Just for today." master Happosai mumbled.
Need to replace the first full stop with a comma as Happy is speaking the sentence.
He leaped up the stairs, an admirable feat for someone of such high age,
and went through the first door, marked by a wooden duck with the word
"AKANE" enscribed to it with roman letters. Inside, a lovely sixteen
years old girl with a shortish hairstyle was dressing up, currently
holding a yellow jumper, not yet wearing anything beyond her panties and
sports bra, when she noticed the shriveled shape charging in. The girl,
Hmm. Something I've noticed about your writing style is the tendency to construct
sentences with a lot of commas. While this is perfectly correct in terms of grammar
(and don't I wish I had that level of skill with commas :), you might want to
consider breaking up some of the longer sentences into separate sentences to avoid
confusing readers.
The above sentence is a prime example with four commas. It would probably read
better as two separate sentences. Note that this is merely a stylistic comment;
feel free to ignore it.
Akane, gave a yelp and held the jumper close to her chest. Now, normally
Happosai would have enjoyed the free show, well, enjoyed it more, but
today he just dumped a pile of underwear on her hands. "Akane dear, hide
these for me, would you." he said, and then leaved hastily before she
Again, change full stop to comma.
could change from embarrased to enraged.
The door slammed close. Akane blink-blinked. Then she frowned. "Why
should *I* have to hide these filthy things for him?". She looked
at the pile in her hands. "Wait a second - These are all my things!
Why, that old pervert!" With a tired sigh, she went back to preparing
for her morning jog.
Ranma Saotome, one of the greatest young martial artists in all of
Japan, was currently gloating over his father, the panda, Currently
picking himself up from the koi pond. "What's the matter, old man?
Getting slow on your old age?", Ranma taunted.
The panda replied with a growl, and charged at him with a furry of
short claw strikes. Ranma retreated, staying barely out of the harm's
way. Suddenly he seemed to trip, and Genma rushed, preparing to
end the match. Ranma, however, flowed within Genma's defence, threw
his legs up, grasping the panda, while his hands reached to the ground.
Er, that last sentence suffers another attack of commas. Suggest: 'However, Ranma
flowed... his legs up and grasped the panda. He slammed his hands into the ground
and backflipped.'
Ranma backflipped, Genma held tighly between his legs, slamming him
face first to the ground, missing the porch by a handwith.
'handwidth'
"How's that for a mid-air maneuver, pop. Pop? Aw, geeze, out cold
already?"
First 'pop' should be 'Pop', I think.
Ranma kneeled to examine his father. Yep, out cold, he thought.
Poor pop. He *is* getting old, it seems. Suddenly a weight landed on
Suggest: 'It seemed his father was getting old.'
Ranma's back, causing him to topple on top of his father.
"Ranma, I've got a present for you." Happosai. What was the old geezer
up to now, Ranma thought.
'up to now? Ranma thought.
Happosai leaped to the porch, while Ranma got up, pulling his father's
head from the ground and laying him down with a surprising gentleness,
to all that knew how he treated his father. "So let's see this gift of
your's, Old Geezer." Happosai had a huge sack on his back, as per usual,
'yours'
probably filled with female underthings, he was probably going to try
to donate another bra or something, Ranma guessed. To his surprise,
the ancient master handed the entire sack over to him.
"Here you go, as you are my heir, I thought it would be suitable for
you to have these" Happosai spoke, almost managing to sound like a
Missing punctuation: needs a comma at end of spoken part.
venerable master he wasn't. Ranma didn't seem very grateful. He threw
the sack to the ground, and growled. "No WAY I'm gonna take these from
Suggest: 'and growled, "No...' if he is growling out the words.
you! You shoulda known this by now! What are you trying to pull?"
Happosai went for the puppy-dog eyes rutine "B-but I thought you would
'routine'; Suggest just 'puppy eyes'.
have liked them..." Happosai said, with watery eyes. Ranma wasn't fooled.
"Seeya, Old Freak", he responded, dropping the sack of unmentionables on
Comma should be before the closing quotes.
the diminutive master.
"Wait, Ranma!" Happosai shouted, "Hold on to these, just for today."
Ranma stopped. Something in the old man's tone sounded... Desperate?
Lower case -d for 'desperate'.
"Please?" The hair in Ranma's neck stood up, as did his pigtail.
Very slowly he turned, expecting to see flocks of pigs flying around.
"Bwee!" said P-chan as he fluttered by. :)
Happosai *never* asked for anything. A look at the old man revealed
that the old man *was* indeed troubled by something. He looked utterly
miserable. "Old Freak, you better explain what's going on."
"Very well. You'd better get Genma and Soun too. I'll explain. But
there's not much time"
A short while later, the four practitioners of Anything Goes were sitting
next to the kitchen table. Soun looked like he had been woken up and Genma,
human for a change, was holding an ice pack on his head. Happosai took out
his pipe, gave it a contemplating look, and put it away. He sighed and began:
That colon should be a comma.
"I got a message from an old friend of mine, and he is going to visit today."
"Not Lukkosai?", Ranma interrupted. One old geezer was bad enough, but two.
No need for the first comma. Quoted sentences can end with a question or
exclamation mark.
"No, someone else." Happosai answered. "He's a... Good person, and I... Respect
Change full stop to comma; also lower casing on 'good' and 'respect'.
him." This got a reaction. All three martial artists were making warding signs,
but Happosai ignored them. "He's my old sempai".
Somewhere, a certain Minako Aino sneezed in her sleep. She got it wrong, but
that's nothing unusual.
Er, the point of this reference escapes me.
"...And I wouldn't want him to know of my... habits" Happosai finished, while
drinking his tea. While the three men had listened to Happosai's tale of his
youth, Kasumi had awoken, and started cooking breakfast, still managing to
No need for the second comma.
serve tea to the early risers.
There was a knock at the front door. Happosai panicked. Kasumi went to open the
door. "Grandfather Happosai, there's a gentleman here, who came to visit you.
Suggest: 'gentleman here to visit you."'; also missing end quotes.
"Quick, Soun, Genma" Happosai whispered, "Hide my silky darlings! Or Else!"
Soun and Genma Scrambled, while Happosai approached the door, Ranma with him.
Change to lower case -s on 'scrambled'.
There indeed was a man in the door, dressed in Gi and Hakama, messy white hair
on a ponytail. He looked a lot younger than happosai, and was twice as tall,
Lower casing on 'gi' and 'hakama'; also Happosai.
although Happosai had assured that his sempai was at least ten years older than
him. The man's face, while wrinkled, had a youthful look, and he had a cheery
smile on his face. Also, his face held a distinct feature; A cross-shaped scar
on his left cheeck.
Lower case 'a' after the semi-colon; also 'cheek'.
The stranger spoke:"Greetings, Happosai-dono, It has been a while, hasn't it?"
"Indeed it has, Himura-sempai, Indeed it has... Battosai"
'stranger spoke, "Greetings,...'
Interesting matchup, but you need to convince readers of how and why Himura Kenshin
met up with Happosai. As it stands, the story merely provokes a small 'Oh!' of
surprise, then nothing much else.
Hope this helps.
Phil.