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www.ratol.fi/~eruuska
Hello. A quick bit of C&C. Hope you don't mind.
Mind? Me? C&C is always a gift ^^
As always, all C&C are my opinions and suggestions only.
Esa Karjalainen wrote:
The sun rose, and another normal day began in Nerima. A sunny day,
You probably don't need that first comma (optional).
... I think you're right. Will fix
"He's coming, oh, gods, he's coming! What am I gonna do?"
At the house belonging to a certain family, the Tendos, an old man,
not quite three feet tall, was in a frenzy. The normally unfazeable
master of Anything Goes school of martial arts, was running around the
house, carrying small piles of soft pieces of clothing.
"I've gotta hide these! Just for today." master Happosai mumbled.
Need to replace the first full stop with a comma as Happy is speaking the
sentence.
Umm... Happy finished the sentence?
Should the comma be inside or outside of quotes?
He leaped up the stairs, an admirable feat for someone of such high age,
and went through the first door, marked by a wooden duck with the word
"AKANE" enscribed to it with roman letters. Inside, a lovely sixteen
years old girl with a shortish hairstyle was dressing up, currently
holding a yellow jumper, not yet wearing anything beyond her panties and
sports bra, when she noticed the shriveled shape charging in. The girl,
Hmm. Something I've noticed about your writing style is the tendency to
construct
sentences with a lot of commas. While this is perfectly correct in terms
of grammar
(and don't I wish I had that level of skill with commas :), you might want
to
consider breaking up some of the longer sentences into separate sentences
to avoid
confusing readers.
The above sentence is a prime example with four commas. It would probably
read
better as two separate sentences. Note that this is merely a stylistic
comment;
feel free to ignore it.
...Just four? Ah well, Will fix.
Akane, gave a yelp and held the jumper close to her chest. Now, normally
Happosai would have enjoyed the free show, well, enjoyed it more, but
today he just dumped a pile of underwear on her hands. "Akane dear, hide
these for me, would you." he said, and then leaved hastily before she
Again, change full stop to comma.
Gotcha!
could change from embarrased to enraged.
The door slammed close. Akane blink-blinked. Then she frowned. "Why
should *I* have to hide these filthy things for him?". She looked
at the pile in her hands. "Wait a second - These are all my things!
Why, that old pervert!" With a tired sigh, she went back to preparing
for her morning jog.
Ranma Saotome, one of the greatest young martial artists in all of
Japan, was currently gloating over his father, the panda, Currently
picking himself up from the koi pond. "What's the matter, old man?
Getting slow on your old age?", Ranma taunted.
The panda replied with a growl, and charged at him with a furry of
short claw strikes. Ranma retreated, staying barely out of the harm's
way. Suddenly he seemed to trip, and Genma rushed, preparing to
end the match. Ranma, however, flowed within Genma's defence, threw
his legs up, grasping the panda, while his hands reached to the ground.
Er, that last sentence suffers another attack of commas. Suggest:
'However, Ranma
flowed... his legs up and grasped the panda. He slammed his hands into the
ground
and backflipped.'
Aww... there were just five ^^;;
Will fix ^^
Ranma backflipped, Genma held tighly between his legs, slamming him
face first to the ground, missing the porch by a handwith.
'handwidth'
Ack!
"How's that for a mid-air maneuver, pop. Pop? Aw, geeze, out cold
already?"
First 'pop' should be 'Pop', I think.
Used as a name. Gotcha!
Ranma kneeled to examine his father. Yep, out cold, he thought.
Poor pop. He *is* getting old, it seems. Suddenly a weight landed on
Suggest: 'It seemed his father was getting old.'
Will that work? I mean, it's Ranma thinking there...
Ranma's back, causing him to topple on top of his father.
"Ranma, I've got a present for you." Happosai. What was the old geezer
up to now, Ranma thought.
'up to now? Ranma thought.
Eep!
Gotcha!
Happosai leaped to the porch, while Ranma got up, pulling his father's
head from the ground and laying him down with a surprising gentleness,
to all that knew how he treated his father. "So let's see this gift of
your's, Old Geezer." Happosai had a huge sack on his back, as per usual,
'yours'
Um... I just put that there to see if anyone would notice?
Right? ^^;;
probably filled with female underthings, he was probably going to try
to donate another bra or something, Ranma guessed. To his surprise,
the ancient master handed the entire sack over to him.
"Here you go, as you are my heir, I thought it would be suitable for
you to have these" Happosai spoke, almost managing to sound like a
Missing punctuation: needs a comma at end of spoken part.
<sound of furious typing>
venerable master he wasn't. Ranma didn't seem very grateful. He threw
the sack to the ground, and growled. "No WAY I'm gonna take these from
Suggest: 'and growled, "No...' if he is growling out the words.
Hai, sensei ^^
you! You shoulda known this by now! What are you trying to pull?"
Happosai went for the puppy-dog eyes rutine "B-but I thought you would
'routine'; Suggest just 'puppy eyes'.
will fix
have liked them..." Happosai said, with watery eyes. Ranma wasn't
fooled.
"Seeya, Old Freak", he responded, dropping the sack of unmentionables on
Comma should be before the closing quotes.
...I see...
the diminutive master.
"Wait, Ranma!" Happosai shouted, "Hold on to these, just for today."
Ranma stopped. Something in the old man's tone sounded... Desperate?
Lower case -d for 'desperate'.
eep
"Please?" The hair in Ranma's neck stood up, as did his pigtail.
Very slowly he turned, expecting to see flocks of pigs flying around.
"Bwee!" said P-chan as he fluttered by. :)
LOL
...
It wasn't that funny. Seriously.
ROTFLOL
Happosai *never* asked for anything. A look at the old man revealed
that the old man *was* indeed troubled by something. He looked utterly
miserable. "Old Freak, you better explain what's going on."
"Very well. You'd better get Genma and Soun too. I'll explain. But
there's not much time"
A short while later, the four practitioners of Anything Goes were
sitting
next to the kitchen table. Soun looked like he had been woken up and
Genma,
human for a change, was holding an ice pack on his head. Happosai took
out
his pipe, gave it a contemplating look, and put it away. He sighed and
began:
That colon should be a comma.
OK
"I got a message from an old friend of mine, and he is going to visit
today."
"Not Lukkosai?", Ranma interrupted. One old geezer was bad enough, but
two.
No need for the first comma. Quoted sentences can end with a question or
exclamation mark.
Gotcha!
"No, someone else." Happosai answered. "He's a... Good person, and I...
Respect
Change full stop to comma; also lower casing on 'good' and 'respect'.
will fix
him." This got a reaction. All three martial artists were making warding
signs,
but Happosai ignored them. "He's my old sempai".
Somewhere, a certain Minako Aino sneezed in her sleep. She got it wrong,
but
that's nothing unusual.
Er, the point of this reference escapes me.
Minako is famous for using incorrect, or mixed quotes. You're supposed to
sneeze when
someone is talking about you, in this case Happy uses a phrase very close to
what Minako
herself usually says... Er, farfetched? Okay, I'll drop it.
"...And I wouldn't want him to know of my... habits" Happosai finished,
while
drinking his tea. While the three men had listened to Happosai's tale of
his
youth, Kasumi had awoken, and started cooking breakfast, still managing
to
No need for the second comma.
gotcha.
serve tea to the early risers.
There was a knock at the front door. Happosai panicked. Kasumi went to
open the
door. "Grandfather Happosai, there's a gentleman here, who came to visit
you.
Suggest: 'gentleman here to visit you."'; also missing end quotes.
Eep!
"Quick, Soun, Genma" Happosai whispered, "Hide my silky darlings! Or
Else!"
Soun and Genma Scrambled, while Happosai approached the door, Ranma with
him.
Change to lower case -s on 'scrambled'.
Eep! again.
There indeed was a man in the door, dressed in Gi and Hakama, messy
white hair
on a ponytail. He looked a lot younger than happosai, and was twice as
tall,
Lower casing on 'gi' and 'hakama'; also Happosai.
triple Eep!
although Happosai had assured that his sempai was at least ten years
older than
him. The man's face, while wrinkled, had a youthful look, and he had a
cheery
smile on his face. Also, his face held a distinct feature; A
cross-shaped scar
on his left cheeck.
Lower case 'a' after the semi-colon; also 'cheek'.
...
I was tired, when I wrote, OK? ^^;;;
The stranger spoke:"Greetings, Happosai-dono, It has been a while,
hasn't it?"
"Indeed it has, Himura-sempai, Indeed it has... Battosai"
'stranger spoke, "Greetings,...'
Interesting matchup, but you need to convince readers of how and why
Himura Kenshin
met up with Happosai. As it stands, the story merely provokes a small
'Oh!' of
surprise, then nothing much else.
Mm. But should I continue from here, or place the story to when Happosai
tells it to
Soun and the Saotomes? I am hesitant to reveal the visitor's identity before
the scene
at the door.
And the whole story began when my head made an association between
'battosai' and 'happosai'.
*Sigh*
Hope this helps.
Greatly appreciated.
Your comments, they are.