In a message dated 03.11.00 7:54:31 PM, bgcrisis@rma.edu writes:
Great, I enjoyed your latest part. :)
Just some bits:
Ranma's expression changed from embarrassed to annoyed. What? Me
apologize to him? When pigs fly!"
...which would be a reality soon, considering the insanity around them.
"I will make you wish you were dead."
This struck me as interesting perspective to explore. He's given Ryouga
a new leverage; as long as Ryouga doesn't take advantage of Akane, he
still can remain as her pet, as shown later on in this part. He refrains
from being too intimate, mainting a careful distance from her, but he
still manages to recieve attention from her.
I doubt that Ranma would've relized this when he warned him. In effect,
he's not activately dissuading Ryouga from remaing P-Chan, but he certainly
isn't encouraging it either.
In a rage, he slammed his fist into the floor, cracking the tile and
hitting something metal. The anger was instantly gome from his face
and replaced with fear as he felt the metal pipe give way.
Metal piping? I know we all already know that there's no such thing as
Japanese Nanniichuan anymore, but Ryouga doesn't know that. So from
his perspective, I don't think he would have picked up on a metal pipe.
Maybe you should replace that part with noise of cracking noise and
gurgling water.
All he could say before he was hit with the geyser of cold water was
"Oh boy!"
Considering his current depression, the words doesn't seem to fit. I'm not
sure, though.
*Well, how about that? I've finally seen a pig fly,* Ranma thought.
Heh. Does that mean he's gonna apologize to Ryouga? ^_-
"Why are you biting Ranma? BAD, BAD P-chan!"
LOL. Loved this bit.
Keep it up, I can't wait for part 5! :)
DA/R
Dark Alpha
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