I wanna take this opportunity to thank everyone who's written in with
suggestions as to how to polish and continue this story - I didn't know there
were so many folks interested in Video Girl Ai (granted, there seems a fair
amount of commentary from folks who've never even *seen* the show...)
Since Doug-kun's the first one with the effrontry to post to the list, it
seems only fair that I reply in kind. So...
> ===============
> VIDEO GIRL? I?
> A Ranma 1/2-Video Girl Ai fusion
> by Ukyou Kuonji
> ===============
Fortunately a low-grade pun, so I guess you don't have to go to hell. :j
You think that was bad? Someone else pointed out that the Viz dub features
Brad Swaile (aka Mousse) as 'Dateless' (poor guy's gonna get typecast at this
rate). And I quote:
}}"I help you when you lonely. You like for me to...oh, no! Not him!"
}}
}}"Sh...Shampoo? I LOVE YOU, SHAMPOO!" <*glomp*>
}}
}}*Not* coming soon..."Video Girl Aiya!"
Take that, Twisted Challenge thread! ^_^
[...]
> episode 1: The Invisible Girl
cap: Episode
(Then again, it's lowercase in the subject line, too...)
I've done the same with Extended Play: track #...
It's a taste thing, I guess.
> Ukyou Kuonji never claimed to be a ninja. Sure, those throwing spatulas
> of hers functioned just like shurikan, but that was a technique of her
own
> devising rather than some ancient ninjitsu trick. She had never
received
> any formal training in the martial arts, and there was no question that
the
> servile Konatsu would make a lousy teacher.
sp: shuriken
See? I toldja I wasn't a ninja! If I was, I'd'a been able to get the
spelling right, ne?
I liked this opening. Too often I read about power-upped Ranma characters,
so this sort of poking at assumptions of Ukyo's power level was nice to
see.
Somebody accused (or credited, depending on your point of view) me of being a
ninja once, and I just wanted to set the record straight. I can sneak around
okay, but I'm generally none too subtle.
> So Ukyou had no known ability in the ninjitsu arts. But it didn't
matter.
suggest: It didn't matter.
(Maybe use a semi-colon, instead of a period. I don't have a problem
starting a sentence with a conjunction, but it just reads a little
awkwardly.)
Okay, I'll take that under advisement.
> Outside of Furinkan or the Ucchan, she was as invisible as any of those
> fabled fighters.
And a nice tie-in to the main theme. :)
Well, *this* episode's theme, anyway...
[...]
> But for whatever reason, while people *could* see her, they simply
*didn't.*
> At least, not outside of her appointed haunts. She simply faded into the
> crowd of shoppers, unrecognizable despite her outward appearance.
Just one of the boys... ^_^
Ahem.
> Many times, she had to remind herself that her seeming invisibility
wasn't
> out of spite on the world's part. Just like herself, everyone had their
own
> set of cares and worries to be wrapped up in.
I guess she would know about "wrapping" things...
A-hem!
You know, I don't really *need* to clear my throat this often, sugar...
suggest: her apparent invisibility
Mm. Okay.
[...]
> There was a bump, and Ukyou's ears registered the sound of packages
> crashing to the street... <sometimes,> she murmured to herself,
> <not even then.>
cap: Sometimes
> She felt a slight breeze; a couple nearly ran into her as they giggled
their
> way out of a kissaten. She turned and watched as they continued on in
the
> direction from whence she had just come.
gram: direction whence
or: direction from where
Oh. Okay...
I'll assume that a kissaten isn't a dojo where young couples train...
Marital arts dojo? Heh. No, it's like a coffeeshop. Guess I should just
use the English approximate, huh?
> Yuka and Hiroshi. Two weeks ago, the two of them were barely speaking to
> each other, over some trivial thing that even Ukyou couldn't remember at
the
> moment. What she *could* remember was the verbal butt-kicking she had to
> give both of them on their seperate visits to complain about each other.
Now
> they were back together as lovey-dovey as before; maybe even more so.
Gosh,
> it was sickening. And to think, she'd helped them get to where they
were.
sp: separate
Oops.
> But they just passed her by like nothing.
>
> It was as if she was thought of like some kind of superhero: once
everything
> was patched up, Ukyou was expected to tip her hat, make a pronouncement
> along the lines of "My work here is done," and amble off into the sunset
without
> giving her beneficiaries a chance to thank her.
And she doesn't ever get to squeeze coal into diamonds! What a rip-off!
Well, at least she's got the dual identity thing down. "Who, disguised as
a male high school student..."
Hey! You forgot the bit about me being mild-mannered, you JACKASS!! ^_^
I like the superhero analogy, but the opening sentence is contorted.
Kill the passive.
suggest: It was as if everyone thought of her as some kind of
or: It was as if everyone thought she was some kind
Kill the passive... right.
::resisting urge to break out in an imitation of Elmer Fudd doing Wagner::
> Well, she was no superhero. A little attention would be nice. A thank
you,
> a hug... anything, dammit.
A little attention from a certain fiance...
Oh, yeah...
KONATSU: But Ukyo! What about me? [points at self]
UKYO: I mean, I don't need a key to the city or anything...
KONATSU: Um, hello?
UKYO: I'd be happy if they just acknowledged my existence. Is it
too hard to say "Hi, Ukyou?"
KONATSU: ...
Touché. You'll hear from him soon enough, judging from other comments I've
gotten. Wow, and here I thought I was the only Konatsu supporter out here,
too...
> She was starting to consider stripping naked and running screaming
through
> the shopping district, just to see if anyone would notice...
I can think of certain fans who just might... ^_^
Nice thing about fanfiction: I don't have to *do* the fanservice stuff
directly. Just suggest it, and sit back while the wheels grind in the
fanboys' heads. It's a lovely sound...
> ...when she caught the glint of an eye in her direction.
This was a little weird. Typically people have a glint in their eye.
But throwing a glint into someone else's eye? Huh?
suggest: caught the glint of an eye of someone looking in her
Okay... but it's no less awkward than my construct, now, is it?
> She whirled to face whoever was looking at her, dropping into a defensive
> stance. It turned out to be a stocky old man inside a video rental
shop.
> He was waving at her, beckoning her to come in.
Most video places I know of are plastered with posters, and I somehow
imagine it would be worse in Tokyo. The only place I can see him being
was right behind the door (no posters due to fire hazard).
Hmm. Point taken. But like this Ukyou, I don't go to video shops often, so
that wouldn't occur to me. Still, there's gotta be some clear glass
SOMEwhere.
> A voice in the back of her head began to worry whether this was a good
idea,
> but Ukyou ignored it.
COMMON SENSE: You know, I could have made both our lives a lot easier...
UKYO: You shut up. There's nothing wrong with practicing to cook by the
raging sea. Or hunting my fiancee for a decade. Or giving up my
femininity.
COMMON SENSE: [sigh] I should have left when that Saotome kid's
common sense offered to take me with him on that training journey...
"In The Realm of the Senses," Nerima version.
'Sgot possibilities...
> Someone actually noticed her, even if he *did* look
> like a cross between Happosai and Wilford Brimley.
Just so you know, the Wilford Brimley reference was lost on me.
Sorry... he's this old geezer, dunno what he's been in, he's got a honkin'
walrus moustache, and he hawks Quaker Oats (or at least, he usedta - dunno if
he's still alive) like it was goin' outta style. (Frankly, I wish it would -
I don't like oatmeal)
> The voice in the corner of her mind
> simply sighed - like the rest of her psyche, she'd become used to being
> ignored. Not that the voice liked it any more than the rest of her did.
How can she reasonably expect other people to start paying attention to
her when she doesn't even pay attention to herself.
Point taken.
C'mon, Ukyo! Listen to the little voices in your head!
Uh... d'ya really think that would be a good idea?
That's the sort of thing that'll getcher ass in the looney bin faster'n you
can say 'okonomi-yaki.'
> There *had* been someone inside this place, right? An old man, waving at
> her, right?
suggest: waving at her...?
(Drop the repeated "right".)
Oops... okay.
> Well, the place was deserted now, for all she could see. Fate was
having
> its little joke on her... again.
Fate likes to keep herself entertained. ^_^
Yeah, well, why do I always feel like her favorite comedianne?
[...]
> "Hm? Sempai?" Ukyou put down her algebra textbook, and looked up at her
> burly older classmate as he passed by her open door, waving a beefy
handful
> of videotapes. Tamiya was a gentle soul under that hulking exterior,
and was
> well-liked by the entire dorm. He was going to be sorely missed when he
> graduated next semester and headed off to Nekomi Technical Institute.
I'm wondering if Kosuke Fujishima should have been listed at the top
of the fic, too. :)
True enough... will corect on r.a.a.c. (except then, folks'll expect to see
Kei and Bell sooner or later)
Actually, maybe Fujishima should be partially credited for VGAi... Urd came
first, ne?
> "Puddown dat book and c'mon upstairs, Kuonji. Kurenai's just been
dumped -
> again - and it's our bounden duty t'cheer him up, got it?" Tsubasa
Kurenai
> was a baby-faced kid in Ukyou's class whose rotten luck with women was
> already reaching legendary proportions, even in his first semester at
> Kotebuki Boys' School. Tamiya had gotten it into his head to try to
mentor
> the unfortunate youngster in the ways of women and the world. Of course,
> with Tamiya's 'help'...
TAMIYA: Hey, baby, you'se wanna help me take this engine apart?
> "Sure, whatever..." She closed the door on her way out of her dorm
room, and
> scampered after her sempai. "What'ja have in mind to cheer him up with?"
Scamper? ^_^;
One step of Tamiya's is like two of most normal-sized humans. I'd haveta run
t'keep up with him. Why 'scamper'? Dunno... it sounds cute against
'sempai', ne?
'Scramble' mighta done well, too...
suggest: have in mind to cheer him up?"
(Unless Ukyo assumes there's some object involved to do the cheering.)
I'll think about it.
[...]
> Ukyou gulped, and slowed her pace. With Tamiya's 'help,' Kurenai could
well
> become a menace to women everywhere...
Sounds like ripe material for a side story. :D
Not gonna go there... not right now, anyway...
> --{ o/~ boom-chika-boom-bau o/~ }--
Nice. :)
Thank you. Some comedian uses that phrase as a euphemism for... well...
Anyway, I like it.
> "Oooh, baby! Lookit them hooters!"
It's not clear who's talking here, but if it's Tamiya,
I'd suggest "dem hooters"
[naughty bits snipped]
> "And you would know that *how*?" Now Ootaki-sempai was interested. Oooh
> boy... what Ukyou would give to be invisible right now. [...]
FATE: Your wish is granted! Just wait a few years for it to kick in.
Heh.
[more naughty bits]
> Kurenai-kun.
>
> And her days of invisibility at Kotebuki were effectively over.
And was that a Good Thing or a Bad Thing? ;)
Oh, c'mon... you know what this would mean! You know about Tsubasa!
[...]
> "KYAAAAH!!" Ukyou had been so lost in her memory she had completely
> forgotten about that strange little old man. From her sudden perch on
the
> top shelf of videos, she cursed herself for letting him get the drop on
> her so easily.
I'm surprised she didn't just bash him over the head with that spatula.
> The old man, for his part was a bit startled at Ukyou's reaction.
"Well,
> I hadn't expected you to wind up on the shelves *that* way, but..." He
> shrugged and offered his hand to the girl panting from her recent
adrenaline
> rush. "Can I help you? Besides down, that is?"
punc: old man, for his part, was
Ah. Now i see why you had her jump. :j
Uh-huh. Nerima turns everyone into martial artists, it seems. Even kindly
old men turn into ninjas.
[...]
> "Yes, well... that's another thing. I think you'd make a perfect video
girl
> yourself, if I may say so... would you be interested...?"
This guy's name isn't Tamari, is it?
I don't know *what* his name is, but that's the sort of thing I started
assuming at this point...
[...]
> "We know you, Ukyou Kuonji. You are pure in heart, and..."
Ah, sweet, pure, Ukyo...
Wait for it...
> At this, Ukyou let out a guffaw best described as equine. "Pure in
heart,
> my ass.
^_^
Right. I don't buy the 'St. Ukyou' schtick any more than the next otaku.
[...]
> "That's right, and a broken heart is something that only an adult has the
> wisdom to recognize and fix. The video girls are designed for that
purpose,
> but there are times when we need someone a bit more... *human*... than
> these," and he gestured at the rows of burikko faces staring cutely back
at
> them from the shelves, "and we know how your heart is willing to share
itself
> with others. It's a gift that should not be wasted. Please."
Burikko? "Brick?"
That one's a little hard to explain. It's an offshoot of the whole 'roricon'
(Lolita-complex) phase of the late-eighties/early-nineties. A 'burikko' (I
hope I've got the spelling right) is a woman who acts/looks like a girl for
the sake of attracting men. We're talking heavy-duty kawaii, here.
[...]
> Finally, she could take no more, and tore her eyes painfully from his.
"I
> gotta go," and she raced for the door. But before she could escape,
> something slashed past her ear, and her headband fell from her hair,
sliced
> through cleanly by...
This struck me as a little odd. Why (how) would the old guy cut her
headband with his business card? And isn't her ribbon gather the back
of her hair? Would it be cut by something moving close to her ear?
I'm working on an explanation for the former. As for the latter, the
ribbon's mainly to keep my hair out of my face while I'm cooking (I keep it
on the rest of the time 'cause it looks nice) So, right by my ear might cut
a few strands, but it's not like what I hear happened to Akane a while back
is gonna happen to me.
[...]
Well, this was a good opening part, and I'm interested to see
which way it goes.
The sort of "common sense" Ukyo came across quite well. She was
introspective, but not brooding.
Actually, I was worried that I *was* brooding... the teaser sounded pretty
self-pitying, ne?
Also, it was refreshing to have
an Ukyo story with absolutely no mention of Ranma anywhere. :)
Aw, c'mon... do I really *need* to mention Ran-chan? I think most of you can
figure out who's attention I really want; I don't gotta hit ya over the head
with it like *some* fiancees I could name...
I liked the peek into her past, both her embarassed confession to
"the guys," and how it turned out. No longer invisible, indeed!
No kidding... some of those admissions, embarrassing as they were sometimes,
really threw these guys off the track. Ukyou Kuonji, lady-killer... can you
imagine it?
The only downside: most readers will get the Japanese words "sempai"
and "ne". Fewer will get "kissaten," and I have no idea what "burikko"
means.
Ouch. I'll see what I can do with it. Thanks for the warning.
Well, I can't claim to know what you intended, but it seems to have
turned out pretty well so far. I suggesting something similar on the
FFIRC.
Mm-hm. And thanks.
Looking forward to whatever it is...
> Itsu mo,
> Ucchan ^_^
...Cuuri andu shempu.
Ooh! A wise guy, eh?
Thanks again for writing!
Itsu moe (thppt!)
Ucchan ^_^