On Tue, Mar 14, 2000 at 10:25:21PM -0800, Gleep wrote:
[snip]
Author's notes: Well, this little bit of smut work has been swimming
upstream in my head for a while. This series is still in its infancy, and
needs a good deal of polish. The things I need the most feedback on is
staying in character for Otaru, who is reluctant to do anything with the
girls, and the Emperor, who has always been the driving force in the girls'
development. I appreciate all constructive feedback.
OK, three things that I can see:
1) Have you not seen the ending of SMJ, or are you deliberately ignoring
it? What you have written is quite incompatible with events later in
the series. (You also don't seem to be taking advantage of an event
which could quite easily be incorporated into such a story.)
I'm not mentioning exactly what these events are, because they would
be spoilers, but I'd be willing to discuss them with you via private
email, if you wish.
2) The movie, and Otaru's discussion with the Emperor, seem to be a bit,
shall we say, crude. You might want to tone them down a bit.
3) You seem to be suffering from the 'Dread Question-mark Disease'.
This obnoxious malady makes quotation marks, apostrophes, and dashes
appear as question marks on non-Windows systems. To fix this, you
need to disable the 'SmartQuotes' feature on your word processor.
--
-Sean Connor (
sec@konatsu.dhs.org)
(
sec@cableregina.com)
(
sec@softhome.net)
The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it
is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the
majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more often likely to be
foolish than sensible.
-- Bertrand Russell