Michael Noakes <noakes_m@hotmail.com> wrote:
Choices
Part Three:
Decision
This is friggin' huge, so I'll probably miss a lot of corrections. Oh
well. :)
Overall, this was excellent work. You kept the character drama intense
while sticking closely to the spirit of their treatments in the manga.
And if there was a problem with some of the characters being
unsympathetic before, I don't think there was now. (Well, the major
characters, anyhow.) And the writing, as always, was very vivid with a
wealth of detail.
I must be getting soft, Ranma thought. This is just
what I need: a training voyage, to regain my edge. Get strong
again. Just like the old days, me and Pop wandering and
training. But a glance to the side revealed a conspicuous
absence: no, not like the old days, amended the boy, this time
I'm alone. Genma had to be left behind, of course: he
wouldn't have understood, and even if he had, would have
interfered. Weird, he thought. He's made my life hell, got
You use a lot of colons, and IMO often in places where they don't seem
appropriate. Something you might want to take a look at.
Where is that ungrateful son of mine?, asked the
panda in sign language.
Don't double-punctuate. If you've got ? or ! you don't need a comma.
Look for this elsewhere.
"Hey, it wasn't my fault if I was late because of dad's
Dad's. When used as a name (as opposed to 'because of my dad's') family
titles get capitalized.
"Oh, hello Ranma, you're home."
hello, Ranma,
Kasumi's soft and gentle welcome momentarily threw
him off guard as he returned from his week of training: a
greeting he had most certainly anticipated, but his
expectations had ranged from cold indifference to various
levels of violence or parental screaming. Despite his
confidence of that morning he felt tense with nervousness, but
'Tense with nervousness' seems like a redundancy to me.
"But here. . . I dunno. Maybe it was 'cus I knew,
those other places, they were only temporary, that I'd be
moving on again eventually. Here was different. I know, we
both hated the engagement, but for the first time, I couldn't
clearly see a day ahead, some date circled on a calender,
calendar
But not me, right Ranma, Akane thought. Never me.
right, Ranma, Akane thought.
or better yet (IMO)
right, Ranma? Akane thought.
"But it wasn't that," he said, fixing her with his gaze.
"When I got back today, I couldn't understand. Why had I
been in such a hurry to leave last week? Even with all that
shit back at Furinkan, it wasn't enough. But I remember
coming back here that day, and this place feeling so alien, so
unwelcoming -- like it does now. It's not your sisters, or your
father, or the house itself. . . it's you Akane."
you, Akane." (Look for this sort of thing elsewhere)
Ranma dreams:
[3/4 camera angle.]
[Zoom in quickly upon the structure.]
[Level out upon approach.]
In general, these dream bits were very well written, almost hypnotic.
This camera angle stuff didn't work for me, though. I know the idea is
to picture the movie that this is the script for, but instead I kept
imagining myself as the camera operator.
But suddenly dozens of Ryuta Uehara's and Sayuri's
Ueharas and Sayuris
As you know, there've been quite a few Ranma-is-pregnant stories since
this series was first conceived, including (IMO) some good ones, so this
development probably doesn't have the impact that it might have had.
Nevertheless, I'm very much looking forward to seeing how this turns
out.
Gary