Phil <kagami@jeack.com.au> wrote:
"Come, Raiha. Shall we see if she is in the mood to play?"
Shukumaru asked, running her fingers through his warm blue
fur. The Thunderbeast was in the semblance of a normal-
sized wolf and he sank against the cushions to allow
Shukumaru a larger surface area to scratch.
Raiha grumbled his discontent in reply as her long fingers
soothed him. "The chill is bitter enough, Shukumaru. No
need to be funny, as well."
Was he being funny? Must be some demon in-joke....
Shukumaru flexed her claws and returned a predatory grin.
"Oh, I'm certain my heart of ice will match yours this day,
Shimoyake. I have forgotten nothing. The past still lies
within me... and it strengthens me." Yes, Shukumaru thought
bleakly, eighteen years in that empty realm has made me
strong--
--Ranma, you know not what you have done to your mother.
Eh? I don't understand how that last line fits in, or why the paragraph
before it cuts off.
Muketsu the Fleshless wore a semblance of humanity as he
strode through the front door of Zaisan Finance in Osaka.
It wasn't a terribly good semblance, quickly cast and
lacking in certain respects - the nose was too sharp and
the eyes overlarge - but it would serve. Zaisan was one of
the largest demon-controlled complexes on the side of the
Demon Lord of the South, and thus, it represented a prime
target to inflame the nervous tension that permeated the
region.
Demons running the finance industry? That would explain a lot, actually.
:) Wonder if they'll hire Nabsy. Wonder if she'll find out, and if so
whether she'll care. :p
Osaka was an unsettled city.
Er, except for all those hordes of human beings. :) (Maybe 'Osaka's
status was unsettled' or somesuch thing to remove the ambiguity.)
"Ah," the receptionist sounded a little worried. She rose
"Ah." The (IMO; she's not sounding the word "Ah," she's just sounding.)
Muketsu hid a small sigh. Bureaucrats! They were the same
in every century, sacrificing their integrity on the altar
of incompetence. He would bet anything that the Director
was off screwing his blond gaijin mistress along with
lunch.
NOBASU: I deny that! I only screw my mistress. I *eat* my lunch.
The Gokuraku-Cho, the Paradise Birds, were strong allies
of the Western realm. A flock of the birdmen wheeled
through the air above the lower reaches of the Hiei
Mountains.
Suggest interchanging the order here:
A flock of Gokuraku-Cho, the Paradise Birds, wheeled through the air
above the lower reaches of the Hiei Mountains. These birdmen were strong
allies of the Western realm.
Your call, but it seems odd to me to be explaining who these birdmen are
before we see them in the scene.
Lord Niwatori clacked his beak in disdain as he witnessed
the kill. The Gokuraku-Cho had truly fallen over the
centuries if they considered mere rabbits to be their
rightful prey.
TIM THE ENCHANTER: But... those're no ordinary rabbits!
The Eastern Court hushed as the Southern Ambassador padded
into the room. Many anticipatory eyes and ocular
pseudopodia followed his path to the front of the court
where Yami-no-Tsume awaited on the Eastern Throne. Whispers
of gathering conflict between the Western and Southern
Quarters had touched the ears of each and every one of the
demons present in the room. The Ambassador's request for an
audience looked likely to turn rumour into fact.
"Greetings, Lord. We have travelled far that we might hear some of your
easy listening songs...."
"I'm sorry, but you're in the wrong place. You want my brother,
YANNI-no-Tsume."
Shukumaru hid a small frown as other matters were raised
in the court. While the stay of marriage was welcome, it
also meant that her father was reconsidering his alliance
to the South. It was clear to everyone that Yami-no-Tsume
was with-holding his aid, allowing the South to sink or
I've always seen this written without the hyphen: "withholding"
The small group of oni patrolling the nighttime border
near the unsettled West for the Eastern Throne never
recognized their impending deaths. One moment they were
Extra space. Also, this sentence is rather cumbersome, IMO; too many
modifiers. You might want to re-word.
Two old beings stood within the study in the private
apartments of Yami-no-Tsume. One was the Demon Lord of the
East himself, and the other, Raiha the Thunderbeast. The
Comma after 'other' doesn't seem to belong.
Nodoka smiled back. "Perhaps, dear. What shall we call him?"
"Shu-- Uh, what do you think, Nodoka-chan?"
"Oh, I'm sure we'll think of something by then. Besides,
it might be a girl."
"If not at first, then eventually!"
Celebrate while you can, Father. Shukumaru smiled
bitterly. After I kill you, I will destroy your human bitch
and my unborn half-brother. She would have preferred to
The abrupt shift from first to third person here is jarring.
She slammed her right hand against the wall, only to feel
it rebound without effect. Nothing. No venomous acid
erupted from her claws; the Toxic Flower Claw had utterly
failed. Despair touched her then; its inky fingers of gloom
then, its (the second part of the sentence modifies 'despair,' and isn't
a full clause)
He frowned, suddenly slightly fearful. She had to be
alive... and sane, or as sane as power-hungry would-be
Demon Lords remained, anyway. He would be present on her
rise to rulership in the present, and know some measure of
power himself. A minor demon had few other available options.
Well, there's always the finance industry....
As always, an engrossing read and well-written. Though this flashback
stuff is interesting, I hope we're getting back to Ranma and the main
story now that we know more about Shukie.
Gary