C&C is most welcome.
Well, I managed to find more to say beyond what Gary and Dave
contributed, so... dang time zones. :)
Vincent Seifert has kindly provided webspace for most of my
fanfics and links to the rest at the following address:
http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/kagami/
And this time I'll put it up a bit quicker. :)
You can contact me at: kagami@jeack.com.au
Raiha grumbled his discontent in reply as her long fingers
soothed him. "The chill is bitter enough, Shukumaru. No
need to be funny, as well."
funny as well."
Shukumaru mock pouted at the demonwolf, before lifting the
mock-pouted {?} demonwolf before
filmy cover of the litter. She emerged to stand on the thin
layer of icy snow. What a dismal place, she thought,
staring at the surrounding mountaintop. It was entirely in
character though, for this realm belonged to the sister of
character, though,
Yuki-Onna - the Ice Maiden, Kori-Otome, lived here.
"Well met, Shimoyake," Shukumaru said, completely unfazed
by the lack of welcome. "Are you going to let guests freeze
on your doorstep?"
{"Actually, that was precisely what I'd had in mind..." :) }
--Ranma, you know not what you have done to your mother.
{Yes, I think that needs to be elaborated a bit.}
An Awakening of Demons
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
By Kagami
Chapter 8b: The Red Game
Muketsu the Fleshless wore a semblance of humanity as he
strode through the front door of Zaisan Finance in Osaka.
It wasn't a terribly good semblance, quickly cast and
lacking in certain respects - the nose was too sharp and
the eyes overlarge - but it would serve. Zaisan was one of
the largest demon-controlled complexes on the side of the
Demon Lord of the South, and thus, it represented a prime
and thus it {or perhaps} and therefore it
target to inflame the nervous tension that permeated the
region.
Osaka was an unsettled city. Located at the base of Honshu
island's curve, it stood poised between the Western and
Honshu Island's {?}
Southern Thrones, and was currently claimed by both sides.
Traditionally, Osaka had been held by the West, but demons
serving Masakado, the Demon Lord of the South, had made
inroads into the city over the last century. It was a tense
situation; ripe for exploitation.
{suggest} situation, one ripe {or} situation, and ripe
Smiling, Muketsu the Fleshless stood up to bow to the dead
man.
{Counting his corpses before they're, um, slain? :) }
Still, they might prove more able in battle than he
thought. He unlimbered his heavy bladed weapon from its
heavy-bladed (if "heavy" modifies "blades" rather than "weapon"}
strapped position on his back.
The Eastern Court hushed as the Southern Ambassador padded
into the room. Many anticipatory eyes and ocular
pseudopodia followed his path to the front of the court
O o
|_|
{Eyestalks! Reminds me of the time a bunch of gamers I was
game-mastering tried to set up a beholder ranch... :) }
where Yami-no-Tsume awaited on the Eastern Throne. Whispers
of gathering conflict between the Western and Southern
Quarters had touched the ears of each and every one of the
demons present in the room. The Ambassador's request for an
audience looked likely to turn rumour into fact.
Shukumaru hid a small frown as other matters were raised
in the court. While the stay of marriage was welcome, it
also meant that her father was reconsidering his alliance
to the South. It was clear to everyone that Yami-no-Tsume
was with-holding his aid, allowing the South to sink or
withholding
swim on its own in the war against the West for the next
six months. Possibly it was a test, but more likely it had
to do with the Demon Lord's personal interest in the human
bitch he was seeing. She fought off a twinge of mental pain
evoked by the thought and considered the issue further.
The poorly concealed courtship had been ongoing for three
poorly-concealed
months, and it had become significant, judging from Yami-no-
Tsume's reversal of policy. That meant something momentous
had occurred; for all his faults, her father would not
alienate Masakado without good cause. Even a fat slug could
be dangerous, especially one with such a vindictive spirit.
Her reasoning led to a particularly unpalatable conclusion;
one that threatened to unleash the bitter hatred and anger
conclusion, one
stored within the ice-walled temple in her mind.
The small group of oni patrolling the nighttime border
near the unsettled West for the Eastern Throne never
recognized their impending deaths. One moment they were
{double space after "their"}
running and hunting for any signs of foreign interlopers,
and the next instance, two of their number stumbled and
instant {?}
fell. The brutish ogres bellowed their shock and anger as
they crashed to the ground. Others of the band quickly
stumbled to halt, and unwittingly achieved their own dooms.
to a halt {?}
Lord Honeshi smiled in the distant darkness as he
witnessed the painful demise of the oni patrol as they were
{repeated "as"; suggest} patrol, slowly
slowly ripped to bloody chunks of flesh and bone.
"A great feast awaits us, Niwatori," he crooned in
satisfaction, rubbing his thin, stick-like fingers together.
The hawk-headed oni nodded his agreement. In this respect,
the two demons were firmly united in their love of death.
"Indeed, Honeshi. Indeed."
{Why do these guys remind me of Genma and Soun? :) }
Two old beings stood within the study in the private
apartments of Yami-no-Tsume. One was the Demon Lord of the
East himself, and the other, Raiha the Thunderbeast. The
Demon Lord was in his human guise as Makizoku Ansou and
appeared as a young and handsome man. This was an illusion;
five centuries ago, when Muketsu the Fleshless was a mere
mortal warlord, Yami-no-Tsume was already a powerful demon
serving the Eastern Throne. Raiha was even older; the
older, the {if you want a semicolon, it would be} older; the
Thunderbeast had existed
Thunderbeast having existed for nearly two thousand years.
The Demon Lord was speaking and his voice was not pleased.
Yami-no-Tsume closed his eyes briefly to consider Raiha's
remark. It struck very near to home, he admitted to
himself. However, a gut reaction did not necessarily mean
it was wrong. Reinforcing the border escalated the tension,
but also reduced the chance for all-out war. No one wanted
to fight on two fronts, given the option. That made it the
right decision. Yet Raiha was also correct about the
personal issues present. "No, I have made the correct
choice in this matter, but you're quite right about
weakening the defences here. I have a solution to that
problem though."
problem, though."
"Don't become too hopeful, Raiha. She will not be
interested in you." Yami-no-Tsume chuckled in amusement.
"'Frigid' coins her personality precisely."
{"coins"? The association is "creates", but what seems to be called for
by context is "describes"; "terms", perhaps? "captures"? "depicts"?}
The glow of new life pulsed vividly to Shukumaru's senses
as she looked upon Nodoka Saotome. The mortal woman showed
no exterior signs of her pregnancy, but any demon of power
would be able to detect her condition. Shukumaru ground her
teeth in annoyance and disgust.
{More than that, I'd think. Mortification? Fury? Even unborn, her
half-human sibling is a symbol and a focus...}
A howling wind, bitterly cold, replied, and Shukumaru
gasped in sudden recognition. Before she could call out a
warning, the cold intensified, and a brilliant blue beam
lanced out of empty air to strike the hovering Hikumo. The
fire spider fell, instantly frozen; crystals of ice rapidly
frozen, crystals {or} frozen; crystals of ice formed into
forming into an icy sheet that covered his entire body. He
shattered into a thousand pieces as he struck the floor of
the throne room. The flame ghosts vanished with his death.
Niwatori wildly launched his recovered Windslicer at the
spot where the ray of frost had issued. Kazekiri spun out,
{suggest} spot whence the {I just love that word :) }
cleaving through the air... and struck nothing. A chill
laugh of disdain echoed through the room, mocking their
powerlessness. Shukumaru ground her teeth in dismay.
"Beware, it is Kori-Otome!"
Yami-no-Tsume's eyes cleared and he locked his own pain-
filled gaze onto Shukumaru's blazing eyes. "Take my life
then, but spare her."
life, then,
She slammed her right hand against the wall, only to feel
it rebound without effect. Nothing. No venomous acid
erupted from her claws; the Toxic Flower Claw had utterly
failed. Despair touched her then; its inky fingers of gloom
then, its {or} then; its ... dimmed
dimming the last rays of hope in her spirit. "No! It wasn't
meant to end this way! I won! I won! Damn you, Father!"
He frowned, suddenly slightly fearful. She had to be
alive... and sane, or as sane as power-hungry would-be
Demon Lords remained, anyway. He would be present on her
{suggest, to avoid repeating "present"} would be at hand on
rise to rulership in the present, and know some measure of
power himself. A minor demon had few other available options.
"Jakuten...." Her voice was soft and weak, like one reborn
from total isolation.
{suggest, since we have no idea what it's like} weak, befitting one
"Yes, Mistress! Welcome back to the world, Shukumaru-sama.
It has been a long time."
"How... long?"
"Eighteen years have past since your climactic battle with
have passed since
Yami-no-Tsume."
"And... my father?"
"Dead, Shukumaru-sama. He did not long survive the battle,
but I fear he was able to pass on his power to the half-
human whelp before he died. The West and South have
contested inconclusively for many years; tensions are still
great between the two realms and neither have been able to
take advantage of our weakness."
"I see." Shukumaru closed her eyes briefly, absorbing the
news. "The bitch and her whelp... are still alive?"
"Yes, Shukumaru-sama. Both remain alive."
"Tell me... my enemy's name, Jakuten."
The demon servitor bowed low. "His name is Ranma Saotome,
Mistress."
"Ranma Saotome," Shukumaru repeated, and her voice
strengthened, consumed with the madness of eighteen years
in the night.
...and that appears to wrap up the backstory, so that we're ready to
return to our heroes and their struggle against evil both within and
without.
Very IY, I must say, but one thing that strikes me about IY strikes me
here too: these demons are being awfully conspicuous. In the past of IY,
it surprises me that humans are able to maintain a civilization, they're
shredded by supernatural forces so often; in the present of Awakening, it
surprises me that Ranma & Co. haven't heard about these forces before. A
few words explaining how the demons manage to keep a low profile despite
the eruptions of slaughter would perhaps not be amiss.
Other than that, everything's fine. Keep it up! :)
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Vince Seifert Fanfic Analyst FFIRC Frog
Prime: seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.