Colleen Leah Morgan <gally@cs.utexas.edu> wrote:
I'm not really part of the ffml irc thingy, but I thought it would be
Well, come down and join us sometime! :)
Any passersby might think it odd to see, a young woman sitting on
her porch with an attractive, well-muscled man curled up in her lap. Any
passersby not from Nerima, that is. She smiled at her thoughts and
used Ranma's pigtail to tickle his face. He batted at the offending
object, eyes still bright. Akane was surprised, he usually went to sleep
shortly after landing in her lap.
surprised; he (as is, it's a run-on sentence)
But even so, the sun was beginning to
dip under the garden wall and the noise of traffic was giving way to
the hum of the cicadas. A few fireflies hovered over the pond, almost
daring the koi into action.
Nice use of descriptive imagery.
The humidity lay over the city, seeping the life out of its
citizens. Even now, most of the Tendo household was languishing under
fans, moving as little as possible. Akane could feel beads of sweat
forming at the base of her neck, breaking, then sliding down her
spine. But the sunset was beautiful, and she had the tinkle of the furin
What's a "furin?"
"I will." Akane brought the glass to her lips, as her sister
padded back inside. Ranma took the opportunity to stretch and re-situate
himself in her lap. She idly stroked his back, feeling the hard muscle
under his tank top. He had arrived home like this, probably from an
encounter with Shampoo or some neighbor cat. She couldn't bring herself to
feel angry with him though, he was just too simple and vulnerable like
this.
Again, make it though; he to avoid the run-on.
Well, she amended, not really vulnerable. Shredded water and wood
>from only a sweep of his hand. The same hand that was batting at
I'm not sure what you mean by this last fragment. Is this actually
present, or is she just thinking that he's done that before? And how
hard is it to shred water, anyhow? :)
He seemed to like it around the neck and ears the best, and his deep
purr resumed when she lavished attention to them. It was times like
these that she wished she had a real cat. Or even a real boyfriend. But
again she got stuck with something...other. She shrugged and looked
out over the yard again. More fireflies had joined in the nightly
koi-taunting. She could just barely make out the forms of the slowly
circling fish, the white and orange spots glimmering from the dark
water. Father needed to trim the various bushes again. It was almost
futile though, she or Ranma or one of the other circus members would
inevitably destroy what efforts he put into it. His sole comfort seemed to
be the rock garden, which he could simply comb back into order. She had
thought it funny when she was younger, watching his endless hours
following a certain pattern, then completely re-doing it after finished.
But now she felt she understood it at least a little more. There were so
few soothing, quiet moments in life, and sometimes one had to seize it
>from inside, no matter what outside elements demanded.
Some really nice thoughts here, but it's rather a lot for a single
paragraph. You might separate out the rock garden stuff out and make
that its own paragraph.
First one, then two stars gleamed in the sky, and Akane wondered
how many she'd see outside of the city, without so many artificial
lights. She could hear Nabiki listening to her stereo upstairs, and Kasumi
in the kitchen. The heady smell of jasmine rice wafted out a nearby
window. Yes, it was hard to find quiet moments, but they existed, and that
was enough. A deep sigh broke into her thoughts and she noticed the
deep purr had ceased. Ranma was finally asleep.
Overall, a very enjoyable read. A bit low on the conflict factor, but
very nicely written with a generous amount of detail and some nice
imagery.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html