First a couple of notes on mechanics. Paragraphs. Some people like to
skip a line every time they start a new paragraph. Others don't. Still
others will skip a line when there's a scene break or POV shift. All of
these are fine, as long as they're done consistently. You appear to be
skipping lines and not skipping them at random, and it's very
distracting.
Punctuation. When the action of a verb is being done to a line of
dialog, the dialog line is in the same sentence as the verb, and should
be punctuated accordingly. If the verb doesn't refer to the dialog, then
it's a separate sentence. For example:
"Get lost, ya stupid jerk," Ranma spat.
"Dang, I got a bad taste in my mouth." Ranma spat.
Also, dialog that identifies who's being spoken to should be separated
by a comma from what's being said. Otherwise you can change the meaning
of a sentence dramatically. "I wanna eat, Akane!" is fairly normal for
Ranma, whereas "I wanna eat Akane!" is grounds for a pounding. As
another example, consider "I volunteer Ranma!" versus "I volunteer,
Ranma!" Which of these would you be likely to hear from Genma?
Onto the story. Unless this is set pre-volume five (which, from the
mention of Happosai, it obviously isn't) I really can't see any reason
for Ranma to care whether Claire finds out about his curse or not.
Pretty much everybody in the area except the Kunos learned about his
curse after his first fight with Mousse, and as early as vol. 6 he was
revealing it to people (Sentaro, for one) without a second thought.
The real problem I had with this story is the almost complete lack of
conflict. It's a common problem with "new character" stories: Without
Claire being involved in some sort of conflict, there's nothing to
inspire interest in the character. It doesn't necessarily need to be
physical; emotional conflicts can make for good drama. Or Ranma and
Akane trying to keep Ranma's curse a secret from her could make a good
conflict, *if* you could show us a believable reason why it would be bad
for her to find out.
I hope you continue writing, and wish you good luck with this and any
other stories.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html