------------------------------
Disclaimer: Fake is the property of Matoh
Sanami. Neither it, nor any of the characters
belong to me. Except for FTEB.
Also, a warning: this fic contains very
mild shonen-ai/yaoi content. If you are offended
by this (which I sincerely doubt you will be), do
not read it.
------------------------------
An evil being sat and schemed. This didn't
seem to be an impressive evil being. It was just
a female teenage evil being, but female and teenage
are a deadly combination even in mortals, and so a
female teenage evil being was the most dangerous
evil being of all, especially since this particular
female teenage evil being was seriously PMSing.
The evil being licked her evil lips and rose
from her evil collection of anime. She felt the
need to create something--something evil, of
course--, but she didn't know what. Then an evil
thought struck her evil brain, and an evil idea
was formed. She would create. . .the ultimate
Fake fanfic.
Or, to follow convention, the *evil* ultimate
Fake fanfic. But first she would need to think
of a name to call it--an evil name--, because
saying evil ultimate Fake fanfic twisted her evil
tongue, and while this made it the most evil name
of all, it also pissed her off. It would be
called a Fake-fic. Fan-fake. Fan-Fake-fic.
Evil ultimate Fake fanfic.
Perfect.
And so, presented to you from the female
teenage evil being in her evil cave in her evil
world, at last arrives:
The Evil Ultimate Fake Fanfic
------------------------------------
------------------------------------
By Female Teenage Evil Being, or FTEB
Ryo sat angrily at his desk. He ran his
slender fingers through his fair hair, narrowed
his deep, dark eyes, formed a frown on his
beautiful face, and sulked. Why was he sulking?
None of your business.
And why is it none of your business?
Because, being genuinely angry and upset,
Ryo didn't really feel like recounting all of
his troubles in a clear, comprehensive, step-by-
step list. After all, he was already fully aware
of them, and they were obviously not happy
thoughts, and so forcing him to dwell on the
source of all his pain is very inconsiderate of
you. I think you owe Ryo an apology.
Accepted.
But since you twisted his arm, I guess you'll
find out.
It was because JJ had jumped on Dee this
morning. And why did it anger him so much this
day, when it had happened thousands of times in
the past?
No idea.
Or rather, Ryo had no idea. I actually have
a very clear idea. It's because this is the evil
ultimate Fake fanfic, and no one is reading this
for the suspense-less suspense story, and we want
the Ryo-Dee thing to gain some speed. And if,
by chance, you are reading this for the mind-
numbing mystery, why did the chicken cross the
road? That'll keep you for a while.
And so, why was Ryo bothered by the morning's
incident? Did Dee this time accept JJ's advance?
Nope. He screamed and yelled and shoved like
he always did. Did JJ in any way further
his. . .physical courting of Dee? �Course not,
what kind of sicko are you? This might be the
ultimate evil fanfic, but the laws of decency
(and physics) are still in effect. Had Ryo and
Dee had a fight recently? No. Or actually, yes.
It had involved arguing and yelling and Ryo
pushed against a wall, but that was a good fight.
And so, we aren't left with a clear idea as
to why Ryo was angry. As it happens, though,
Ryo didn't have a clear idea as to why he was
angry, either. But while righteous anger is
infamous, ignorant anger is even worse, because
you can hardly forgive a crime you haven't named
yet, and so Ryo remained pissed off.
Therefore, since I don't have anything more
left to say right now, at that moment, Dee
walked through the door and sat down at his desk.
He sighed, tilted back his head of sleek black
hair, and glanced around the room with his
sparkling jade eyes, which, incidentally, were
ideally set in his gorgeous face. If anyone wants
to throw up now, be my guest.
"So, Ryo," he began. "That was some stake-
out, huh?"
Ha. There was no stake-out. We all know Dee
and Ryo never actually do anything at their job.
They just spend their time sitting pretty and
dissing the chief. The 27th Precinct of the New
York Police Department--that's right, all fifty
gay officers--does nothing all day. Which is
precisely why those of you who watch the show
for the "adventure" are so pathetic. By the way,
if you solved the chicken riddle already, what
kind of chicken was it?
It was lemon-pepper chicken, because I happen
to be hungry and I like lemon-pepper chicken.
Want some?
No? More for me, then.
But, anyway, back to the story. . .
"Yes," Ryo replied shortly. "It was." Ryo
never had been the most brilliant orator.
It was then that JJ, dressed very much like
a cardboard lollipop, came into the room and moved
to hug Dee. "I'm so glad you're safe! I was so
afraid you would get hurt, and I couldn't bear
the thought of you getting hurt!"
Dee shoved him off angrily. "Would you calm down?
We were watching a stupid convenience
store, and the suspect was an old woman armed with
her fake teeth!"
Right. Like they ever get that much action.
Undeterred, JJ whipped out a bouquet of sixteen
roses and dropped it on Dee's desk. "I brought
these for you. I hope you like them."
Dee leapt to his feet, strode to JJ, and
kissed him passionately. The kiss lasted for
several minutes, that I can tell you, but all
tongue activity will be omitted from this fic. As
you well know, I just ate.
And why did, or rather, how *could* Dee kiss
JJ, with Ryo watching to boot?
First things first. I think we've heard
quite enough about Ryo for the time being, so that
can be a little detail we'll ignore. Second of
all, Dee's reasons will be dramatically revealed
in just a moment. Man, you're impatient. And
third, and perhaps most important. . .we're almost
two pages into the story already, and Dee hasn't
kissed anyone yet. That's an atrocity worthy of
hanging, lynching, and four hours of Marmalade
Boy. For you see, Dee is an astoundingly good kisser.
He is quite probably the best kisser in
New York, and this is a title achieved through
hours of laborious practice. And since Ryo is
rarely game, he has to keep it up with someone.
As for those of you who insist on knowing
Ryo's activities during the aforementioned several
minutes, he was sitting at his desk with a
twitching eye and all of hell on his mind.
And because he had never had real opportunities to
use it before (except to look hot on manga covers),
it occurred to Ryo for the first time how
conveniently close he kept his gun. But he
decided shooting anyone wouldn't be the smartest
thing to do. He couldn't shoot Dee, for various
reasons. And he couldn't shoot JJ, because at
the angle he was at, he was unable to accomplish
that without shooting Dee, and that had already
been ruled out as an option. And, if you want
the exact truth, the gun wasn't loaded. Remember:
Ryo never used it. So he just sat and twitched
and periodically cleared his throat until the two
other officers separated and Dee returned to his
place in his chair. JJ seemed speechless, and
there were rivers of tears running down his cheeks.
Dee tends to have that effect on people. Finally,
the junior officer came out of his stupor. He
didn't jump Dee at this time, because, really,
would this story get anywhere if JJ spent the
entire time hopping on Dee?
"Dee-Sempai," he began--yeah, he was actually
American, but he had brushed up on his Japanese
because Japan was all the rage these days--,
"Why is it that on this most glorious day, the
blooming love I hold for you you did return, when
you did scorn it with a fiery passion all past times?"
He had also brushed up on his Shakespeare.
Dee's jade eyes--the ones set in his gorgeous
face, remember?--seemed to glisten with welling tears.
"It's just that. . .no one has ever given
me flowers before."
JJ seemed to notice the twitching man sitting
on the other end of the room. "But, Sempai, what
about Ryo-Sempai?"
"Not him, either." Dee paused as his mind
registered JJ's intended meaning. What about Ryo-
Sempai watching him?
Whoops.
This wouldn't reflect back very well on him
in the future. Damn.
Dee plastered a panicky smile on his face and
slowly turned to look at his partner.
If looks could kill. . .absolutely *nothing*
would be happening to Dee right now, because Ryo
was making quite a point of looking away. Dee
frowned, unsure of what to say. Ryo was content
to remain quiet, as well. There was an
uncomfortable silence.
Then JJ broke it. He walked over to Ryo's
line of vision and scowled. "Ryo-Sempai, you
should be ashamed of yourself. How can you never
have bought this man. . ." JJ pointed to Dee (It
wasn't necessary. He was the only other man in
the room. But JJ is a ham, and melodramatic
moments demand overacting.), ". . .any flowers?
You shouldn't take Dee-Sempai for granted like you
do, or I'll be too glad to take him away."
Ryo looked back at him, surprised. He
wasn't surprised by what JJ was saying,
particularly. He was just a bit surprised that
the junior officer could really think the main
issue here was a bunch of roses. And so he said
nothing in his defense. Of course, he never does.
We love Ryo, but let's face it: he has less
backbone than a squid.
Feeling this was a good, dramatic time to
stomp out of the room and leave Ryo with his
thoughts, JJ did just that.
The uncomfortable silence made another cameo.
The Chief popped into the room. He was ugly
and hairy. "Get to work, you two," he growled.
Now the mandatory Chief one-liner is over. The
Chief popped out.
Dee cleared his throat and smiled a
pologetically, which, may I add, looked a lot
better than the panicky smile he had on before,
which just made him look like a doofus. "Um,
Ryo, listen. That wasn't what it looked like."
Ryo blinked. It had looked like Dee had
kissed JJ. He had received a wonderful view.
He hadn't the slightest idea how Dee meant to
cover his hiney with that line.
Neither do I.
And neither did Dee. Which is why he quickly
changed tactics. "It was a mistake. I didn't
mean to do it."
And he hadn't. I can't tell you how many
anime conflicts I think would be solved if people
stopped tripping and falling on other people's
lips.
"I see," Ryo replied after a pause. "Then what
did you mean to do?"
". . .Shake his hand?"
"Ah. I really must get out more often, if
that's what shaking hands has come to these days."
"Oh, Ryo, please don't be mad."
"I'm not mad. I'm really not." He really wasn't.
He was just extremely, unbelievably furious. But he
wasn't mad.
Dee wasn't sure whether to take Ryo's response
as a good thing or a bad thing. He decided on
neutral. "You aren't?"
"No. You see, there's something you ought to
know. This isn't an easy thing for me to say, Dee,
but. . . I've been having an affair with
Commissioner Rose."
Dee chuckled. Then he realized that Ryo
wasn't joking. "What?!"
"I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I
meant to let one of the guys tell you, or
something."
"With that good-for-nothing idiot Rose?!"
"Dee, don't say that about Berkeley."
"I would have understood if it was with
the milkman or something, but...!"
"Dee, I don't have a milkman."
"Then the grocer, whatever."
"Have you ever looked at the grocer?"
"Is that really the point? I can't believe
it! You shameless hussy. . ."
"At least I had enough shame not to parade
it openly in front of you, like you did."
"Well, you just said you didn't care!"
"No, I didn't. I said, 'I'm not mad.'"
"'I'm *really* not.'"
"What?"
"That's what you said!" Dee sighed sadly
and looked away. "If you really don't want me,
then I guess it's over." He stood and meaningfully
walked out through the door.
Ryo leaned back and glanced at his watch.
"Five, four, three, two. . ."
"Get back in there, you worthless bum! What
am I paying you for?!"
Dee walked back in through the door.
Ryo took a breath. Now it was his turn in
the spotlight. "Listen, Dee. What I did was
wrong, and I'm sorry for it. But I was
just. . .frustrated, and angry."
Dee folded his arms, amused. *Ryo* was
frustrated. This was good. But, of course, he was
trying to word a tearful reconciliation here, so
that little triviality could be overlooked.
"And just because I did that, and when I wasn't
in my right mind, doesn't mean that I don't. . ."
"It doesn't mean that you don't love me?"
Ryo considered. He was going to say, that I
don't consider you to be one of my best friends, but
this would probably be more convincing . So he
looked away shyly and hoped Dee would take it as
acquiescence.
Dee did. "I'm sorry, too. Earlier today. . .I
wasn't thinking properly. I was just a bit
overwhelmed, and. . . Ryo, *you* are the one I
want to hold. *You* are the person I wake up in
the morning to see, and the one I go to sleep at
night to dream of. You are my one sun in a star-
less universe. Without you. . .there would *be*
no universe, for me. You are the sea, you are
the earth, you are the sky. . . You are my
everything. . .my Ryo. . ."
Dee should really write these lines down sometime.
Oh, wait. I'm already doing that.
Slowly, Dee walked to Ryo and kissed him
gently.
Ryo kissed him back. An important moment
had passed, a moment that had decided. . .he
would think up what it decided when he wasn't
otherwise engaged. At the moment, Ryo had
other things to pay attention to, most of which
were a lot more fun than thinking up some stupid
aphorism for a dramatic conversation.
"Hey, Ryo," Dee asked when they broke off. "Is
the thing with Rose over now?"
"Um. Sure. All we did was kiss once,
anyway."
"Good, my Ryo."
"Um, yeah. My Dee."
"Let's go home."
Hand in hand, the two walked out the door.
Five, four, three, two. . .
"Get back in there, you worthless bums! What
am I paying you for?!"
----------------------------------------
And so, ends our evil tale. You were probably
expecting a real (evil) plot. That. . .that
would have been good. But being the evil female
teenage evil being that our author is, too bad.
For an evil ending note, this evil ultimate
fanfic is not parodying Fake, the series. It
is parodying Fake fanfiction, which is
considerably more evil than the original Fake,
and therefore has much more to go on.
And now, the female teenage evil being has to
go. She's feeling cranky.
------------------------------
So, what did you think? All flames, comments,
and criticism are welcome. Since FTEB wishes to
remain anonymous, please forward all messages to
me at ana_chan_@yahoo.com
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Talk to your friends online with Yahoo! Messenger.
http://im.yahoo.com