Hello!
My overall impression is very favorable. Ranma as an Eva pilot is
well-travelled territory, but there's always room for more.
Since you asked for C&C, you're going to get the same kind I hand out to
my regulars... no pulling punches just 'cause you're new; this is supposed
to be a learning experience! On the other hand, all of this is, of course,
just my opinion, so don't be offended and ignore anything that doesn't fit
your story concept.
First off, a lot of this is very much out of character for Ranma. Not
the part where he ends up in an Evangelion and stumbles his way into beating
an angel, but how he got there in the first place. We're expected to
believe that Ranma "School is boring" Saotome is suddenly an expert in
cracking the physical and electronic security of a government-level
organization like Nerv? That makes as much sense as Azusa Shiratori running
"Toys for Tots".
Secondly, there's no reason why his martial art skills wouldn't work in
the Eva, but the special attacks are another deal entirely. You'll need a
very good reason for those to work the same for the robot as they do for
him. Those are techniques that he's trained his body and spirit for, and
the Eva has no program, design, or adaptations that would allow them to
work. It might be believable if Ranma had trained in the robot, gradually
working his way up to where the techniques are usable, but there's no way
they'd work the first time he piloted an Eva. Eva's are cyborgs. They are
a fusion of both living and electro-mechanical components. Because they are
alive in a very real sense, I believe that they are able to learn and grow
from experience, just like a human. However, in this case, we're talking
about a unit that hasn't been in action yet, with a pilot that never touched
an Eva before.
Here are some point-by-point comments:
Chapter 1:
Part 1- Bottle Caps
He closed the door behind him. He typed in the alarm
code and the entrance locked behind him. He let out the breath
he was holding and leaned back against
the wall and closed his eyes. He smiled. he let
out a sharp laughter as he stepped toward the controls.
A.) How'd Ranma get so smart about cracking security codes?
B.) How the hell is he finding his way around a place where people
who've worked there for years still get lost?
C.) What's the Nerv security force (you know, the guys with the assault
rifles) doing all this time? They DO have cameras and guards all over the
place.
This is the weakest part of the story. There's no reason why Ranma
would be able to make it this far trying to sneak in.
I'd really suggest you have a different reason for Ranma's being there.
There are any number of legitimate ways for this to happen; for example,
since you've pretty much said that Ranma and Ryouga are friends of Shinji's,
why not have Shinji invite them in to tour the base? This isn't completely
out of the question. In one of the early episodes of Evangelion, Misato
takes Shinji and his friends to the fleet carrier that's delivering Asuka,
Kaji, and unit 02 to Tokyo 3 just to sight-see. If Nerv was planning to
recruit Ranma to begin with, a tour might be a ploy on their part to get him
interested.
In this scenario, Ranma is encouraged to try on a plug suit to see what
it's like to wear one, and then invited to sit in the entry plug to see what
THAT is like. Then the angel attacks without being detected beforehand, and
he's launched as a stopgap while Shinji, Asuka, and Rei are suiting up
because it's a particularly vicious attack and the base is in danger of
being destroyed before the others can launch.
A new one. Ranma could just see the look on his face when he
whips out with some shots of the 9-01 model. At least that's
what everyone was calling it.
The Evas seen in the anime are numbered 00, 01, 02, 03, 04, and 05.
Rei's is 00, Shinji's is 01, Asuka's is 02. 03 was destroyed before it was
completed when the factory was blown sky-high (it was being built in
America, if I recall correctly), and 04 was invaded and taken over by
Bardiel (one of the angels) while Touji was test-piloting it. It was
destroyed by Shinji. 05 is the model number of the mass-production Eva's
you see in the movie, that glide down on wings. If there is a new model, it
would be numbered 06 (or 07, if you want to assume another version was being
worked on elsewhere).
Ranma switched one of the buttons on, and the shades
slowly opened, revealing a window. Beside
it, a door opened, leading into the larger room with the Eva.
Yet again... Ranma found his way through the maze of service corridors
and tunnels and went straight to the Eva cage? Not very likely...
"Wait til' Ryouga gets a load of this!" he said as the
pictures fell to the floor. He picked up a few
and waved them around, hoping they came out good. When they
developed, he stood up and began walking back toward the
exit. He paused a moment and looked
to his left. There was a where a door that
said *Eva Pilots Only!!*. He smirked and jogged over to it.
He typed in another set of numbers and the
door slided open on its own. Ranma looked around and saw the
pilot suits.
The camera would use electronic media, not film, like digital cameras
today. No pictures on paper falling out of the camera. Remember, this is
an ADVANCED society, and we're slowly moving away from film cameras already.
"Oh cool!" he said. He put down his camera and grabbed
one of the suits from the hooks. After
looking over it, he threw off his clothes and slipped one on.
Luckily it was just his size. Ranma grabbed the
camera and took some shots of himself in the suit. He accidentally
kicked something with his foot.
Would even Ranma be this stupid? "Let's not only commit dozens of
crimes breaking into this place, let's vandalize it and take pictures that
can be used as evidence against us in court!"
kicked up the box and opened it. There were two objects. He
recognized them as the devices that they wore
on their heads. He slipped them on carefully. He felt like a real
Eva pilot. He stepped out of the room and turned off the light.
Maybe he could keep the suit as a souvenir. It would be proof to
Ryouga that he had actually been there.
How is he recognizing the plug suit and the neural contacts? It's not
like the Children take publicity photos.
Ranma took one last look at the Eva. He chuckled and ran
into the control room and pulled a lever.
The cockpit opened up and he ran outside and hopped in. He pulled
himself up and inside the Eva. He went
over and hopped in. He sat down in the seat. Then he remembered
that the camera was back inside the
room with the pilot suits. He stood up and went over to the opening,
but it closed, with him inside.
You're thinking of Gundam, not Evangelion. You don't just run up to an
Eva and hop in. Eva's have 'entry plugs', which have to be pulled out of
the upper back of the Eva, and then a large hatch on the plug is opened to
reveal the seat. Manually ejecting an entry plug is a very labor intensive
operation, and a powered ejection has to be initiated either from the Nerv
control room or the inside of the plug.
"Oh nevermind. Are you ready?" asked the woman.
"Ready for wh-" Then a fluid began flooding the cockpit.
Ranma began choking on the fluid.
Ranma's eyes widened as he turned female and he was able to breathe
it in. He was breathing in the water.
One of the first things a newbie notices about LCL is that it tastes
awful and smells like blood.
"This isn't Shinji- Who ar-," The girl didn't have time to
finish her sentence. Ranma felt herself
scrunch down in her seat. The Eva was launching.
They never launch an Eva without checking with the pilot first. That's
for safety; if the pilot isn't ready, the accelleration could cause severe
injury.
The Angel shot a blast at Ran-chan. Ran-chan formed her
hands in a ball and said,
"Mouko Takabisha!" Somehow, the power was forming in the
Eva's hands and she shot it out just
in time for it to stop the blast. The impact was too close and the
Eva was knocked down.
Again, this just isn't believable the first time out. If he trained in
the Eva for a while, then he might be able to pull a ki attack or a Kachu
Tenshin Amaguriken, but the suit doesn't have the capability right now.
Think of it like a person who had a stroke and is suffering temporary
paralysis; the brain (which is the pilot in this case) may know how to jump,
walk, or run, but the body has to be retrained before it can do any of that.
In this specific case, Ranma (the Eva's "brain") knows how to do ki attacks,
but the Eva hasn't any experience with them, so it can't do that stuff. The
regular martial arts moves, on the other hand, are no problem because the
Eva IS designed to be flexible and athletic.
"Kochou Tenshin Amaguriken!!!" The Eva jumped up and
let loose a flurry of punches that
managed to keep up with Ran-chan's.
"It's getting so hot!"
"You're overheating the Eva, you IDIOT!!!" The Angel
stumbled back.
This is a good take. If the Eva is doing something outside it's design
parameters, it probably would overheat.
Eva pierced the jewel on the Angel's face. It let out a pathetic
cry and finally went silent.
The S-3 organ is a LOT tougher than that, and is usually located
somewhere around the chest. In hand-to-hand combat, it often took a lot of
beating to break an S-3 organ.
Ja mata,
LarryF