Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic][Ranma1/2][Saint Seiya] War of the Gods
From: rcarson@rcarson.com
Date: Fri, 10 Mar 100 10:59:19 -0600 (CST)
To: ffml@fanfic.com

     Interested in reading this - Saint Seiya is one series I don't
know a whole lot about. I've seen a couple of attempted cross-overs
before, but they never got any farther than a chapter or two.


Wanderer D writes:

Sun-rei kneeled infront of the giant waterfall in the valley of the

                  in front

still feel the other's Cosmo as they started their return journey.

                 I assume this should be "others'" as you say "they".
Should Cosmo be plural?

teared at her soul.

  tore

"He's gone." Ikki muttered, and looked away closing his eyes.

        gone,"

they could still feel it, far away. "It's on Earth!" Hyouga said
wonderingly.

       As a rule, there should be only one person speaking in a
paragraph.

Akane stopped herself from kicking him into low orbit and kneeled

                                                            knelt

besides him. "Ranma?"

  beside

"Who Ranma? Who's dead?" Akane asked.

   Who Ranma? Ranma's your fiancee. That should be "Who, Ranma?"

"I knew it! You're running to that Bimbo Shampoo's arms! Ranma! No-baka!"

                                     bimbo          If you're going to
put in the Japanese, that should be "Ranma no baka!"

Ranma side-stepped the mallet and blew it apart with a chestnut fist.

       Takahashi only used mallets for sight gags, never for a serious
scene. Just have him block her punch, that's surprising enough.

Nabiki. "Saori Kido. Find her."
Nabiki could only nod at Ranma's grim expression. Ranma turned around and
left without another word.

       Hard to picture Nabiki taking Ranma very seriously no matter what
his expression. Nabiki running some widespread information gathering
operation is pure fanfic cliche - no evidence of it in the manga, even
when it would have come in handy for her. And how is she supposed to
find this woman given only a name, with no other indication of what's
going on, or how to pick out the one Ranma wants from all the women
named Saori Kido running around? Just adding something about the
Graude Foundation would probably be enough.

find it empty. "Hmm, Great-Grandmother and airen must be in secret room..."
She mused aloud.

  she

"I.. didn't know either, but Seiya... well... he told me everything...
man, I feel weird... I don't know why I came here... I should try to
find Shiryu...?"
Cologne's eyes sharpened. "Where did you learn this name son-in-law?"
Ranma stammered. "I... I don't know! Damn it!" he grabbed his head for
a moment before looking up again. "You know him?"

       I'm a bit confused here. If Seiya told him everything, wouldn't
he know about Shiryu?

Cologne nodded absently before pogoed to one of the few stands that

                                 pogoing

"Shut up an listen. This is a map of an area of china, where an old

           and

Ranma seemed to consider for a moment before finally nodding. "But
first you must tell me about these 'saints', Athena, Hades and Master
Dohko."

      Again, how much has Seiya told him, if not some important things
like that?
 
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN RANMA'S ADOPTED!!" Soun Tendo lifted his friend
from the ground and stared daggers at Genma. "DO YOU REALIZE WHAT
THIS DOES TO RANMA'S AND AKANE'S ENGAGEMENT!?"

       Nothing, actually. If Ranma were really adopted, he would
still be engaged to Akane (and Ukyo for that matter). In this case,
since you indicate below he was actually kidnapped, that's another
matter. Of course, since he's now an orphan, as Seiya was, they could
perhaps try to adopt him now, I suppose.

the maternity room, soIchangedthebabiewithanotheronewithouttellingher."

                                   baby


Reid Carson
rcarson@rcarson.com



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