-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
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Do you not have windows 95 or later?
DISCLAIMER: Tomatoes are not a vegetable. Lemons are a fruit.
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Ranma 1/2: "A Matter of Romantic Chemistry" pt.18
by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik
Just wondering, are any relationships in this based on yours?
The next morning found Doctor Ono Tofu escorting Ranko to
school to explain her unique situation to Hinako-sensei.
Both held the other's hand quietly, thinking their own
thoughts. Thoughts centered around the suspiciously
convenient appearance of an old girlfriend that may or may
not be a Whipmistress.
Or possibly any ex-relationships? *ducks garbage being thrown at her*
Thoughts were also on the impending test results of her
family.
"Ono-sama?"
Global problem number one, sorry not to address it before: I think his first
[personal] name is Tofu, his last [family] name is Ono. Can anyone confirm
based on canon?
"Yes?"
A shy smile came over her lips and a blush crossed her
cheeks. "There's a dark alley over there ... "
He chuckled, squeezing her hand. "Not yet, my sweet. Slowly,
remember?"
"Oh, I know," she giggled. "But ... it's so tempting!"
She spun around and wrapped her arms around his neck,
kissing him deeply. Her tongue traced over his lips.
"Why, Miss Saotome," he feigned innocence. "Are you trying
to seduce me?"
Heh. Is she still technically a Saotome when she's not related to Genma?
*prepares to throw garbage at the "it's-nodoka's-family-line" crowd*
She chuckled. "Do you want me to?"
In the previously-mentioned alley, a figure in boxers and t-
shirt lept out of the darkness and before the couple. He
waved the object he held in the air, grinning maniacally.
I'm not even going to ask what the `object' is.
"Release that fair maiden, foul sorceror Tofu! I have
figured out your evilly lecherous plans to ravish her soft,
milky, delicious flesh, you hentai!"
Doctor Tofu, normally prone to keeping a straight face when
presented with outrageous situations, stared at the
perversely-shaped bokken and let his jaw disconnect in
disbelief.
"And you call *me* a hentai when *you* wave *that* thing
around??" he asked incredulously.
"The Master wrote, 'There is no hypocrisy in honest lust,'"
Try:
"The Master Wrote, `There is no hypocrisy in honest lust,'"
' looks on my display more like a cross between what most people write as '�'
and '�'
it also looks better on many displays without sacrificing people who can't
display �these�, [which by the way i can't i see them as ~Sthese~T ,
\207these\210 , or [<87>]These[<88>]]
quoted Kuno.
Ranko sighed, deep fuchsia across her cheeks. "Go away.
Please? You're embarrassing me!"
Shampoo, passing by from her shopping in the vegetable
market earlier, noted the unusual weapon Kuno held and
stated, "Shampoo seen better." Then resumed her walk back to
the Nekohanten.
You owe me a keyboard.
After all, it was just Stick-Boy (Threat Classification:
mostly harmless). Tofu and Ranko shouldn't even work up a
sweat.
Shampoo stopped abruptly as a hand grabbed her breast.
"Hotcha!" Kuno exclaimed.
A spinning backhand punch sent Kuno sailing straight toward
Ranko.
"Sweeto!" he cried, his hands extended ...
I still facefault at this.
Tofu's foot connected before Kuno got within groping
distance, sending him into a wall.
Kuno slid out of the Kuno-shaped depression and slid to the
ground.
"I could have handled him, ichuunohito," Ranko said.
"I was more worried about *him* handling *you*, if you know
what I mean."
She smiled sweetly. "Thank you for protecting my maidenly
virtue, handsome knight." She licked her lips. "Perhaps I
should give you my maidenly virtue - for safekeeping."
He smiled back. "We *do* have an appointment, Ko-chan."
The pair continued to Furinkan High School, arm in arm,
occasionally glancing at each other and smiling like idiots.
They arrived at Furinkan at lunchtime, and were immediately
noticed by the student body.
The notorious Ranko Saotome, on the arm of a well-known
local doctor, were watched by assorted students as they
proceeded to the conference room.
? conference room ?
Nabiki Tendo, passing out the meager winnings from a betting
pool, was immediately asked about it.
"Hey, Nabiki-san! Is the doctor giving her some medical
excuse for being so violent?"
"No!" Nabiki said harshly. "For your information - Five
thousand, please."
Money quickly changed hands.
"- For your information, Doctor Ono Tofu is her *boyfriend*,
as well as her employer. So there."
"Can't be!" a girl exclaimed. "Everyone *knows* she's a
lez!"
LOL!
"Hmph!" Nabiki replied. "It's been my experience that if
'everybody knows' something, it's usually wrong." Nabiki
smiled a cold and nasty smile. "Like everyone *knows* you
couldn't have *possibly* lost your virginity to -"
"YAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" the girl screamed before the Awful Secret
could be revealed.
Facefault! did nabiki really know anything about this person, or was she
bluffing?
<Don't go bad-mouthing my family,> Nabiki said to herself.
>From the time it took Tofu and Ranko to walk from the front
door to the second-floor conference room, the school
grapevine went from 'She's a slut and gay' to 'Ranko's
carrying Doctor Tofu's child'.
That's two keyboards you owe me.
* * * * * * * * * *
Shampoo allowed herself to calm down after the incident
involving the new pervert on the block, and eventually made
her way upstairs to the living quarters above the
Nekohanten.
She knocked politely at the door of her great-grandmother's
room.
<Great-grandmother, now my equal. Am I 'too big for my
britches' now? Have I bitten off more than I can chew?>
"Enter," responded the familiar old voice.
"{Hiba-chan, would you like some breakfast?}" Shampoo asked,
stepping into Cologne's sanctuary.
The old Amazon looked up at the girl, packing her trunks
with her magic items and other bric-a-brac.
"{Later, child ... Am I permissed to call you that,
Matriarch Xian Pu?}"
Global error number two: Shan Pu.
Shampoo broke into a smile, kneeling down to hug her. "{Of
course, great-grandmother. Between us. Why all the trunks?}"
This:
"{I have no use of being here,}" Cologne replied. "{You are the Matriarch of the Fourth Village, and my being here will be in your way. I'm going back to the old village.}"
Line is too long.
Shampoo stood, nodding slowly. "{I'll miss you terribly.
Please visit me often, to see that I am doing the Amazon
Nation proud.}"
The old woman smiled, patting her great-granddaughter's
cheek gently. "{I've always been proud of you. The challenge
has made you stronger and has earned my highest respect for
you. You will be a fine Matriarch, my child.}"
Shampoo hugged her again, and left Cologne to her packing,
returning downstairs to where Rose Petal was digging into a
bowl of ramen.
"{You will escort Matriarch Kon Lon back to China?}"
Global error #3: Ke Lun. As with the previous, this has been confirmed.
Rose Petal looked up from her meal and slurped up the
noodles. "{Yes. With your permission, Matriarch Xian Pu, may
I be allowed to return here to Nerima and be part of the
Fourth Village?}"
Shampoo cocked her head to the side, studying the adopted-
Amazon girl, her fiance's half-sister. She *could* see the
resemblence to Ranko in her face and eyes. "{Any particular
reason?}"
"{I feel I need to keep an eye on my family, if you catch my meaning,}" Rose Petal chuckled. "{And I'd like to get to know them ... at least Ranko and maybe your Airen, too, as he is my brother by my idiot father.}"
Another xtra-long-line.
"{Agreed - *someone* needs to keep an eye on your father,}"
Shampoo agreed, smiling. "{You are welcomed to stay. We will
continue to run the Nekohanten, and I will need a new
assistant with the business since Mousse is going back to
village with great-grandmother.}"
"QUACK!!" came the sound of an outraged duck from the
kitchen. <No one asked ME! I would make an excellent First
Husband!>
Rose Petal nodded, grinning. "{It's settled then. I thank
you, Matriarch Xian Pu.}"
"{About that - just call me Shampoo. I'm too new to this
to be comfortable with formality.}"
"{Done. Where's my idiot father staying in Nerima?}"
"{His - your - family has a homestead here, but he can
usually be found at the Saotome home or the Tendo dojo.}"
Rose Petal nodded, smiling slightly.
"[Airen and I are going to the medical clinic on some
matters concerning your other siblings,}" Shampoo mentioned.
"{Would you care to accompany us?}"
Rose Petal finished off her remaining soup broth. "{Sounds
interesting. Why not?}"
"{Mayhap I may accompany you, my dear?}" Cologne asked. "{I
have some questions to ask myself.}"
* * * * * * * * * *
Once again, the Nerima Wrecking Crew and associates (in this
case, Ranma, Akane, Nabiki, Ryoga, Jiro, Kasumi, Shampoo and
her son Conditioner, Ranko, Nodoka, Ichiro, Cologne, and now
Rose Petal) were jammed into the waiting room of Tofu's
clinic.
Jiro looked bored, but when he looked ready to leave, Kasumi
put her hand on his arm, and he smiled and settled back
down. They'd dated twice in the past week, and Kasumi never
looked happier. Jiro even smiled sometimes in a non-nasty
fashion. Everyone was still puzzled over the mating of the
two and the changes in the monster-boy's personality.
Ranma and Akane were snuggling quietly in a corner, softly
discussing things that lovers discuss. Everyone was used to
this sight now, but were still controlling themselves in
hosing down the two with cold water. (That had been tried,
but then it was discovered that the two completely ignored
both the soaking and gender-change.)
So you're one of the "akane-is-bi" people? *files that away for future
reference"
Ryoga and Shampoo were sitting on the floor and playing with
the baby. Conditioner wore a smaller version of Ryoga's
bandana around his wispy blonde head; sometimes he grabbed
it to put it in his mouth if Shampoo didn't take it away and
murmur, "{We mustn't eat daddy's bandanas.}"
Ranko and Nabiki were attempting to cover up their
nervousness by bantering puns back and forth at each other;
quiet enough not be be kicked out or have magazines thrown
at them. Both had a high stake in the tests.
Rose Petal was listening attentively to Cologne relate an
ancient tale of Queen Gabrielle from the homelands of
Greece. (An unconfirmed rumor had it that the queen's
champion Xena had been adopted into the Amazon Nation and
had taught most of the early martial arts before their clans
came to China.)
Eeeek.. one of the Chinese-Amazons-Equals-Greek-Amazons people.
Nodoka watched the children, seeing the happiness they
created for themselves and with each other. She could see
the true love and respect between her son and his fiancee.
She could see the fierce nurturing nature of her daughter,
proud and stubborn. She could see how all of them - her
Ramna and Ranko, Ryoga, Jiro, Rose Petal - carried the same
pride and fierceness tempered with compassion and/or respect
given by their father.
Ichiro thought and pondered. How several of his most
exceptional children came to be in the same room was a
mystery to him. He gave up trying to figure out fate and
coincidences - coincidence was a dirty word, and fate did
whatever it damn well pleased. He just accepted it, and had
fun when he could.
There is no such thing as a coincidence in my book. on a related note,
everything between `herring' and `marmalade' seems to be missing. --Dirk Gently
At last, Doctor Tofu stepped out of his office, test papers
and graphs on a clipboard before him. He was silent a long
moment as everyone gazed in expectancy at him.
"Will you people please stop staring at me? I feel like I
should have a spotlight on me with this big of an audience."
A few muttered 'gomens' were heard as the crowd settled
down.
"Alright, first thing's first. Nabiki, you are *not* related
to Ichiro Hibiki - "
"YES!! YES!! YES!! YAHOO!!" Several persons said 'ouch' as a
cartwheeling Nabiki bounced off of them.
"Thank-you so much," Ichiro said blandly. "That does wonders
for my ego."
LOL.
Rose Petal and Jiro hit him on the back of the head.
"You got enough kids, breeder-man!" Rose Petal snapped.
"You should be grateful history didn't repeat itself,
Ichiro!" Jiro added.
"AHEM!" Ranko said. "As fascinating as this is, there are
some serious scientific issues to be dealt with here -" And
she quickly took the clipboard to flip through it.
"A-HA!!" she said. "See? Here it is!"
"What?" several persons asked.
"The allergen tests I ordered for you, my favorite doctor."
Tofu looked surprised.
"'Positive'! See? 'Strong allergic reaction shown in blood
samples'."
"Allergic to what?" he asked.
She gently swatted him with the reports. "*Kasumi's* blood
sample, you dip!"
Kasumi looked surprised.
Tofu looked confused.
"Huh?" the audience asked.
"Your 'Kasumi-attacks'," Ranko explained, "were exactly that
- attacks! Seizures induced by Kasumi's biochemistry! I knew
there was something screwy when I saw your aura during a
seizure!"
"But I'm not acting oddly now," Tofu pointed out.
"I arranged the seating - she's standing next to an outgoing
air vent, and the air conditioning is blowing from behind
you. You're 'downwind', so to speak." Ranko turned to
Kasumi. "Kasumi-chan ... I'm sorry to request this, but I'll
have to ask you to seek another doctor."
He's upwind actually.
"Oh, that's quite all right, Ko-chan," Kasumi answered with
good grace, despite just being told her mere presence made
someone sick. "Under the circumstances, I have no problem
with that."
"Damn," Ranma said, "I thought he was just nuts from being
in love."
Akane pondered that. "Come to think of it, it *is* an odd
way to act if you're in love."
And hitting someone is normal? Unrelated note, this may explain pre-happosai
kuno.
"Now here's the interesting bits," he said, taking the
clipboard back. "Ranma, Ranko, Jiro, and Ryoga are
definitely Ichiro's children beyond question." Tofu looked
at the father in question. "Ichiro-san, one word - 'protection'."
Ichiro shrugged. "Sometimes a man gets caught in a storm
without an umbrella."
LOL above, too-long-line below.
"Pervert," came several murmurs from around the room. The more cynical were coughing into their hands what sounded like "Bullshit-bullshit-bullshit."
"And all those with the Jusenkyo curse have an interesting
blood factor, not known to medical science. Research may -"
A wadded-up piece of paper bounced off his head. "Bor-ring!"
"Jiro-san! Behave!"
"Sorry, Kasumi-chan."
"Well, that's of no interest to you, except that perhaps we
can use it to find a possible cure - eventually."
"Define 'eventually'," Shampoo said.
"Years, perhaps decades."
Several raspberries sounded from the less mature persons.
"And Ranma and Ranko are the most interesting of all."
The Saotomes perked up.
Tofu looked smug. "It seems you are the first-ever diploid
twins to be discovered in the higher animals."
They looked at each other, then at Tofu. "Huh?"
"Everyone gives half of their genetic code to their
offspring," Tofu explained. "Usually, the other half is
ignored in the reproductive process - discarded. But in your
case, it was conserved."
"What does *that* mean?" Ranma asked.
"What it means is that you two test as the biological
children of Ichiro and Nodoka - but have no common genetic
material. From a genetic point of view, you are related to
your parents, but you're not related to each other at all."
Ranma and Ranko looked at each other oddly.
"So," Nodoka asked, "there would be no difficulty in them
having children?" That question had worried her for most of
the past week, since Akane's revelation that the two had a
'special' relationship.
BWAAAAK!
A few 'BWAAAK!!'s were heard from various personages.
The Reader included.
"None whatsoever," Tofu said. "From a genetic viewpoint, in
fact, it would be safer than breeding with a random
stranger."
Almost everyone in the room was embarassed beyond belief.
"Damn, Ranma - your mom's *weird*!" Jiro said.
Akane felt shock, then a cold fear. Reflexively, she grabbed
Ranma's arm and pulled him close. <NO! NO! NO! MINE!>
Cologne's mind was spinning. <Two of the mightiest warriors
in the world, each powerful enough to slay a god in direct
battle ... 'mate the strong to the strong' ... perhaps
I'll take Shampoo's offer to visit occasionally. After all,
they'll be associates of the Amazons through marriage, so
adoption would be just a minor formality ...>
"Anyway," Ranko stated to cover up her own emotional
whirlwind. "We have answers to questions we've had the past
two weeks. It's settled."
"I have a question still unanswered," Cologne cleared her
throat like a rusty chainsaw. "Hibiki-san, I noticed your
children that are present here are superb martial artists.
Is this the same with *all* of your offspring?"
uh-oh.
"Hiba-chan ... " Shampoo warned her softly.
"Those whose mothers I have kept contact with seem to
display an unusual talent in martial arts or other physical
skills," he replied, puzzled. "One even won a gold medal in
the Olympics. Why do you ask?"
Jiro groaned. "There are *more*?"
Rose Petal rolled her eyes heavenward. "Figures. Stupid-Father doesn't breed - Stupid-Father pollinates."
LOL! funny considering her name.
This and more too-long lines throughout.
Cologne grinned, a scary smile that made the teenagers'
spines tingle. "Would you care to settle in an Amazon
village for a few months?"
oog.
Jiro hit the floor laughing hysterically as Kasumi blushed
in a very lady-like fashion. Ranma and Ryoga looked
completely confused as it went over their heads like a 747.
Akane blushed in deep embarrassment as her sister Nabiki
joined Jiro on the floor in guffaws. Shampoo, seeing how
simply giggling would be undignified for a new Matriarch,
smirked to herself. Tofu cleared his throat to cover up his
chuckle. Rose Petal rubbed her temples to try to get rid of
her headache. Nodoka fought jealousy with a smirk and a
murmuring of, "Karma bites hard, darling."
Ranko snorted. "You have a one-track mind, Cologne."
"Racial survival is the *only* track, child," Cologne
replied gravely. "Except for money and television."
*FACEFAULT* three keyboards. AND a monitor.
Mass facefault.
* * * * * * * * * *
The Saotomes and Tendos (except Ranko, who was working the
night shift at the clinic) finished their evening meal in an
unusually good mood.
The night shift? i don't think that the clinic is 24/7...? Ahh... I see. ;)
"Well, Ranma," Genma said casually, "how are you and your
fiancee getting along?"
"Wonderfully," Ranma said. <Oh boy, is this going to be
fun!>
"Heavenly," Akane said. <I'm looking forward to this!>
"Well, in that case, why don't you two get married right
away?" he said in his most subtle fashion.
"Good idea, Genma!" Ranma said.
Genma was so shocked that he didn't even noticed that Ranma
had called him by his proper name - something the boy had
never done in his life.
"OH JOY!!" Soun cried.
"Just one thing first," Akane interjected.
"OH DESPAIR!!" Soun cried. "*Another* damn obstacle to my
little girl's happiness!"
"We're worried about the dojo," Akane said. "There's no way
we'll be able to cover the taxes. According to Nabiki, the
government can demand an inheritance tax of about four
hundred million yen on the Tendo property."
[Writer's Note: Over three million dollars US - Tokyo real
estate is pricey, and a couple of acres fully developed like
the Tendo place would be more so. If anything, the actual
appraisal would probably be considerably higher.]
You don't need to explain.
No problem," Soun said, "We'll simply give the property to
you and Ranma as a wedding gift, thus avoiding the
inheritance tax. This was planned before you were born,
dear."
Akane pulled out a contract. "Then sign this."
Soun picked up the document. "What's this?"
"A legal contract transferring the property over the instant
our marriage is official," Akane answered.
"Y'see," Ranma explained, "we don't want Genma mortgaging
the property behind our backs or trading the house for a
bowl of rice and some pickles."
"Ungrateful whelp!" Genma snapped. "Why would you think I
would do something like that?!?"
Ranma looked at Genma incredulously. "You've gotta be
kidding."
Soun shook his head. "No, that won't be necessary."
"Then it's not necessary for us to get married," Ranma said.
Akane shook her head. "Nope. Not at all."
Soun looked panic-stricken, then scribbled his name down.
"We'll have to get it notarized -"
"Pardon me," said the notary who appeared suddenly at Soun's
elbow, making him jump in shock.
"How did you get there??" Soun asked in shock.
"A simple matter for a master of the Ninja School of Notary
Martial Arts," the notary said, endorsing the document. He
held out his hand, into which Nabiki placed his fee, then he
disappeared with the document.
? i'm confused !
"Where did he go?" Soun asked.
"To the Records Office to register the contract," Nabiki
said, "so you can't weasel out of it."
"Nabiki!" Soun said. "I'm still your father!"
"The same father that was using his youngest child like a
whore so he could steal Ranma's inheritance?" Nabiki said
casually.
"WAAAAAAAAKK!!" Soun answered.
"Nabiki! Don't be silly!" Genma said, visibly sweating. "I'm
not leaving Ranma anything."
"I think she was talking about Hitoshi Matsuhara," Ranma
said. "You know - Mom's father?"
"You remember your wife," Akane continued, "the one whom you
deceived into thinking that she was disinherited by her own
father so you could then use Ranma to steal the trust fund
that would have supported her and made him wealthy."
"And then, after they were no longer useful, you planned to
leave her and Ranma in the cold," Kasumi finished. "Not to
mention Akane-chan, Nabiki-chan, and myself."
Soun and Genma were stunned. They made babbling, incoherent
noises.
"Well, guess what?" Nabiki said cheerfully. "You two signed
the power-of-attorney for Ranma and Akane over to Kasumi
several days ago. You really should read documents before
you sign them."
Wait. if it had been a transfer-of-ownership they wouldnt have had a problem,
so what was their problem?
"NANI??" the two old men exclaimed.
"Which means," Nabiki continued, "that your grand money-
stealing scheme has come to naught. You can't legally touch
that money - only Kasumi can."
"KASUMI-CHAN!!" Soun wailed. "My darling girl! I know you
love your father -"
"No," she said sweetly.
That doesn't sound like what it meant.
"Oh, and one more thing," Ranma continued. "Akane and I went
down to City Hall and signed a marriage license dated
tomorrow. So legally, we'll be husband and wife at midnight
tonight."
"And as soon as the clock strikes twelve," Akane finished,
"the house and dojo become legally ours, and your thieving,
lying asses will be on the street."
Seems a bit harsh. it was all Genma's idea, anyway. and Akane still owes some
family loyalty to Soun.
"You ingrate of a boy!" Genma yelled. "You're no son of
mine!"
"You're right about that," Ranma agreed. "I'm the son of
Ichiro Hibiki, a travelling salesman Mom's been havin an
affair with for almost eighteen years."
Soun and Genma had completely blank looks on their faces.
"Huh?" Soun said.
"Wha?" Genma clarified.
"Shocking, isn't it?" Nabiki said pitingly. "All those
years, working toward the Big Payoff, only at the last
moment to watch it slip away." She sighed. "You could have
had, wealth, power, lives of ease and luxury while leaving
your children destitute. Instead, you're going to be poor
homeless drifters in less then four and a half hours."
"Sad, really," Akane said.
"Pathetic," Ranma agreed. "Hey, Akane-chan? Want to move our
things into the master bedroom?"
"Sure!" she said, hopping to her feet. "And just think - we
get the big bed!"
TELL ME she didn't mean what i just read that as.
* * * * * * * * *
At one minute after twelve, Soun stood outside the gates of
the Tendo home, with a panda by his side. Around the two
were various bags and cases.
The gates behind them were locked, perhaps forever.
"What now, old friend?" Soun asked.
The panda shrugged.
* * * * * * * * *
"Akane-chan?" Ranma asked.
"Mmm?" responded Akane, snuggled against him under the
blankets.
"Want to get married?"
She giggled. "We are married, silly."
"I mean, for real. With a ceremony and everything. Like the
last one, but fewer explosions."
Akane smiled, bright enough to be seen in the dark. "Okay."
* * * * * * * * *
Another woman stared out over the hazy area of Nerima, bare
moonlight illuminating her European features and blonde
locks.
"Soon, Ono-sama, we shall be One again. You cannot hide
from me forever, my darling doctor."
A sweet giggle echoed in the warm night.
Ohshit. this would NOT have been included unless that plotline were about to
hit the fan right... about.... in the next episode. *mass facefault*
* * * * * * * * * *
For the next few years, a well-known local character in
Nerima was the old man with the flute and his dancing panda,
who would perform for enough coins to buy some cheap sake.
One day, they both vanished. What their fate was, no man
knows.
Don't dangle plot-threads.
THE END (for now, until the next story in The Tales of Ranma and Ranko - "Our Wedding Day".)
--
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"woohoo, i've been .sigged again!" -iain
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