On Tue, 7 Mar 2000 Kenjiko2@aol.com wrote:
Date: Tue, 7 Mar 2000 01:21:21 EST
From: Kenjiko2@aol.com
To: ffml@fanfic.com
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma] Unfinished -- Girl Days 17
Well, the FFML is back up... and in honor of it's being repaired, I offer the
as yet unfinshed part 17 of Girl Days. NOT to be posted by my archivers--
it's not done-- just think of this as a VERY big teaser.
Kenko/Robert Haynie-- Author of Girl Days, Paragon,and Redheads-- and
part-time mimetic virus. (Resistance is futile. You will ann be assimilated
and funny.)
It's spelled Memetic. I know this because i read the newsgroup where the
term originated, and has in recent times been shortened to meme. Got Cheez?
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: girlday16t.txt
Girl Days
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
by Robert Haynie
( I lay no claim to the characters created by Ms. Takahashi, nor
to the concept of a Chinese Amazon. Chinese VIKINGS, however, are
mine, all mine! Not that I particularly WANT them...)
I call dibs on Chinese Cavemen!
Part Seventeen : The unfortunate lack of a Green Midget Cafe.
####
Look you, gentle reader, upon Nerima. See how peaceful it looks,
how serene, how tranquil.
Since this is the only place on earth that the Grateful Dead had
refused to play because "the scene there is just way TOO freaky,
man", one may be forgiven for looking upon this as a Bad Sign. In
fact, as readers of these and similar chronicles know, one would have
to be a complete and total idiot to not recognize this as a bad sign.
Heh.
Thus, it was with a feeling that this was going to be a prefect
day, without any difficulties or complications, that Tatewaki Kuno
stepped out to take a little walk. Perhaps he would avail himself of
the surprisingly talented Ms. Kuonji's culinary abilities for a light
repast-- Okonomiyaki was, perhaps, a peasant foodstuff, but she was
capable of creating a surprising elegance, despite her oftentimes
peculiar mode of dress. Or the Nekohanten, if one cared, did create
excellent fare in the Chinese fashion, not unpleasant to the palate
at all and of reasonable price. And, although he held no real
attraction to the Chinese girl there, she was fair to look upon from
time to time.
w......t.....F?!?!?!?!?!?
More importantly, his rather demented sister had been playing
with her chemistry set in the kitchen again, and although he had
grown to tolerate additives that would have laid a lesser man waste,
he didn't always LIKE them.
In other words, Kuno was the aforesaid complete and total idiot.
However, that did not mean he was stupid. In Nerima, the two were
not neccessarily interchangeable.
He's not stupid? News to me. *gets to a telegraph, taps out quick message to
the Nerima fugitives' organization* GREEN FART NOT STUPID STOP ALTHOUGH STILL
AN IDIOT FULLSTOP END
As we shall see.
####
The Tendo residence was on the face of it a rather elegant house,
really, by urban Japanese standards. Two stories, a full furo, guest
rooms and a complete dojo.
It was also a perfect ordinary house-- on the face of it.
Key words, huh?
Behind that face, so carefully presented to the world-- or
rather, the world that did not encompass the neighbors, who knew DAMN
well that things were otherwise-- was a recurring chain of strange
incidents that would have made a Stephen King give up one the
supernatural stuff and start writing romance novels. Then he would
have given up on those. It was that kind of house.
It mostly fed on a redheaded girl in a blue dress giving her
father fits.
*snicker* the fun begins. *beams in Arthur, Ford, Marvin, and Agrajag, rescuing
them from an already extremely improbable fate* Watch this fic and try to make
fun of it.
^[SUBJECTHEADER^_[MST][THHGTTG]Hitchhiker's Anime Theatre, Episode 0, "Girl
Days - 17"^G
ARTHUR: What? This is the middle of a series!
FORD: Can't be worse than vogon poetry.
Maybe not this particular time, but wait till you read something i found by
Oscar.
*AGRAJAG shudders*
Well, it was actually the dress giving the father fits. But the
girl wasn't helping.
ARTHUR: Erm.... where were we?
FORD: *stage whisper* being zapped in in the middle of a story with no way to
read the beginning.
ARTHUR: Ah. It's Thursday, again; isn't it?
"You... you can't go out in THAT!"
MARVIN: Ask me if he's right.
*MARVIN pauses for a length of time finely calculated to create a general sense of uneasiness*
MARVIN: Brain the size of a planet, and what do they ask of me? *yadayadayada*
"Pops, a dress like this is MEANT for going out in," Ranma
sighed. Nearby, unnoticed, Akane and Nabiki were doing their level
best not to explode in hysterics. Nabiki especially felt she had a
right to enjoy this scene, since when she had lost a bet to Ranma
FORD: -- *gets cut off*
Ah, ah, ah. you know the rules. No breaking the middle of a paragraph except
for wackylacing.
(concerning the possibility of a fight one Casual Day at Furinkan--
and Happosai was going to pay for that. Financially as well as
figuratively. Losing THAT much cash to RANMA. It still galled.),
she had effectively paid for the garment in question.
FORD: That can't happen! The improbability level is off the charts!
See if *he* cares.
"But... It's practically sprayed on! It's almost indecent! It
makes you look like a girl!"
"No, it makes me look like a babe. I figure if I have another
month of this, I'll go in for some advanced training."
*ARTHUR chokes on a biscuit he was eating*
"Like what?"
"Oh, I dunno. Maybe I'll get Ryoga to take me out again. We had
a pretty good time last time before the fight broke out. Who knows,
maybe we'll hit it off."
*ARTHUR begins turning blue*
"Gack."
"I wonder if Ryoga is any good at kissing?"
"Urgle."
ARTHUR: Urgle.
"Pumps. This outfit demands pumps. The black ones with the
extra heel."
"Glarg."
MARVIN: Ask me to perform the heimlich maneuver.
ARTHUR: Glarg.
"Think I'll see what Ryoga-kun is doing..." Ranma walked off,
hips swaying just so, tossing her head in a definitely feminine
manner, and trying desparately not to explode from hysterics herself.
MARVIN: Brain the size of a planet, and what does he... oh my.
*ARTHUR has turned an interesting^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hlligent shade of blue*
HOOVOOLOO: Obligatory Obscure THHGTTG reference, reporting in.
*HOOVOOLOO disappears as ARTHUR cycles through more colors, some quite lewd.*
Meanwhile, Akane and Nabiki were stuffing opposite ends of the
sleeves of a handy gi into their mouths to smother their own
explosion of imminent laughter.
####
The sight of Ranma and Ryoga playing Shogi was not a common one
in the Tendo household. But they had been under a sort of truce for
a while, and neither ever got much of a chance to play since the
Elder Saotome and the Elder Tendo (otherwise known by their codenames
Panda-man and Waterworks) usually monopolized the table. But
Panda-man had had to go have a lie-down, and Waterworks was writing
FORD: A letter of complaint to the public works department who wanted to
demolish his house.
Good man.
*FORD glares*
an angry rebuttal to that lunatic that kept writing those stupid
letters to the Shimbun suggesting that Japan become an American
state. So, being at a loose end, the two rivals were playing a game
of intellect.
*AGRAJAG dies of shock at the idea that Ryoga has an intellect*
Being Ranma and Ryoga, the game was not only surprisingly
skillful, it was without the usual blatant cheating and was being
played with an intensity usually only found in a brutal martial arts
deathmatch or an episode of "Iron Chef".
FORD: Of course, there'd normally be the perceived cheating on ranma's part
from ryouga's point of view, but let's not argue continuity.
"I have you now, Ranma. It's an unbeatable trap. A Three
Pronged attack! There's no way out for you this time!" Ryoga began
to laugh, almost maniacally. FINALLY, he had defeated--
Click.
"I win."
Silence.
"You... how did you... ARRRGH!"
"If you Shi Shi Hokodan the shogi table, Pops and Tendo-san are
gonna be upset." Ranma smiled cutely.
ARTHUR: *globber*
*AGRAJAG reappears in a new body*
*AGRAJAG, blaming ARTHUR for his death, punches ARTHUR in the mouth, allowing the biscuit to pass harmlessly down his esophagus*
ARTHUR: What was -that- for?! Oh, it's you.
"I'd break your nose if it wasn't for not wanting to pay for
dry-cleaning that dress." Ryoga fumed. How had he not seen that
move?
"Anyhow, good game. Thanks for the match. I never get to play
against Pops or Tendo-san, you know."
"Why is that?"
"I won't let them cheat."
"Oh. So, you manage to get a hold of Mousse yet? That girl
seemed, well, unsafe."
"I've tried. But Cologne says that he already knows. Then he
took off for who knows where, babbling something about a brilliant
plan."
ALL TOGETHER NOW: Ohhhh... shit.
"That sounds... unpleasant."
Ranma nodded. "You said it."
####
Mousse DID have a brilliant plan.
This plan was to hide in plain sight.
It required a small sacrifice of his dignity for a short period
of time, but when you regularly turned into a duck, such small
sacrifices weren't that hard to make.
Unfortunately, it also required the assistance on the one person
he disliked most in the world (with the possible exception of a
certain dried up old mummy)-- Ranma Saotome.
But to avoid Hilda the Chinese Viking-- anything was acceptable.
That girl SCARED him.
Now, most men would have been downright elated to have the
affections of such a piece of feminine pulchritude as Hilda. The
girl was, as it were, a complete and 100% super babe. But Mousse had
his heart set on Shampoo and only Shampoo, and could love no other
woman. Besides, she was a Viking.
*ARTHUR's BabelFish falls out of his ear, choking on the word Viking*
And Viking women were... scary.
Had he had a clearer view of reality, he would have realized that
the reason Viking women were scary was because they tended to be very
much like Amazon women-- i.e. attractive, obsessive, and at times
insanely violent-- but being an Amazon himself, he didn't see it that
way.
It's a cultural thing.
AGRAJAG: ...
But the one thing he was certain about is that this plan would
hide him so perfectly from Hilda that she'd never find him. Never in
a million years.
You could almost hear the panting of ominous thunder trying to
catch up and wondering how in hell it had missed it's cue.
####
Tatewaki Kuno walked along, enjoying the pleasant breeze and
whistling.
MARVIN: Didn't we already do this?
####
Hilda approached the Tendo Dojo by a rather erratic vector. One
fully worthy of Ryoga Hibiki, in fact. This was not due to a
malfunctioning sense of direction (as in Ryoga's case), but from a
Error: don't use a tab, spaces are your friend.
malfunctioning sense of pride. Vikings found their own way. It
Error: Too Many Spaces
was Tradition.
Tradition that most Vikings pretty well considered as obsolete as
a bronze sword.
Segmentation fault: Core dumped.
Unlike the Amazons, who had held to their traditions for well
over three thousand years (to the general annoyance of most) the
Vikings had adapted over time. The longboat they had arrived in had
oars and sails, true, but they were mostly ceremonial. It was the
aluminum-titanium hull and the powerful diesel engine combined with
the state of the art LORAN and GPS system that really made things
work. They may have still lived in the longhouses of old, but they
were nowadays insulated, electric, and had a nice little satellite TV
dish and usually an internet connection.
Also, the Vikings had generally better relations with their
neighbors. Looting and pillaging had become a thing of the past,
when they had discovered that (a) fishing was easier, (b) that
actions of that sort tended to piss off people like the Musk, the
Phoenix Mountain folk, and of course the Amazons, and (c) it was just
too damn much work anyway. The result was cordial relations with
most of the rather strange cultures of the forgotten parts of China,
and at least toleration from the Amazons... who had never really
forgiven Erik the Terribly Clever for his downright dirty trick of
sneaking in a "No Forced Marriages Just Because We Can Fight Better
Than You Sometimes, And By The Way, Drop That Kiss Of Death Crap
While We're At It" clause into a formal peace treaty.
The Amazons had retaliated by passing a law that no Amazon COULD
marry a Viking, under penalty of banishment. To the irritation of
the Elders, that was just fine with the Vikings, whose males had
little interest in getting hitched with overly bossy females, and
whose females felt that the Amazon males generally lacked spirit.
History records that the reaction of the Amazon Council of Elders to
the Viking's response of sending then a small chest of gold, a bale
of fine Viking linen, and a considerable amount of herring as a thank
you gift was, well... not those of happy Elders.
And for damn near fifteen hundred years it had continued in that
vein. The Amazons would boast, threaten, insult, and generally scorn
the Vikings in every way they could short of actual violence, and the
Vikings would react with amusement, indifference, or the occaisional
"Hey, that's pretty nice of you!" They did this not because it was
amusing, indifferent, or nice, but because it was so damn much FUN to
annoy the Amazons. Amazons tended to take things like that
seriously, but Vikings perferred to laugh, spar, and drink lots of
mead.
(Incidentally, although fish was the main export of the Vikings,
their secondary one was mead-- a sort of wine-like beverage made from
fermented and spiced honey. The Phoenix Mountain folk were fairly
fond of it, the Musk just plain adored the stuff-- especially those
of ursine descent-- and the Amazons had it under embargo.)
One can see, therefore, that Hilda was an aberration. Not only
had she become infatuated with a Amazon male (Possibly because Mousse
had much more spine than the usual example) but she tended to take
things VERY seriously, thought tradition was important, didn't drink
(much), and didn't like fish. By Viking terms, she was almost
perverse.
But if you combined that with the other Viking female traits of
violence, obsession, and attractiveness, you'd rapidly realise that
Hilda was almost exactly like Shampoo-- except that she was taller,
blonde, wearing less, and didn't try to use magical herbs or obscure
charms in her quest to gain Mousse's love.
Coming back online..
Memory check............................................640kOK
It would, after all, be easier to hit him over the head and carry
System date........................................1900-mar-07
him off to a nice desert island and bed him until he wilted. She
GACK!
kernel oops() general protection_ attempt to access locked memory area!
Rebooting.
knew she couldn't get him to marry her, but that would do nicely.
Missing Operating System, Attempting to boot from backup ROM.
Successfull.
The honored readers will, of course, realise that this would
cause Mousse to react to Hilda much as Ranma did to Shampoo-- with
the exception that Ranma woudn't mind being friends with the Amazon
girl, where Mousse had no desire whatsoever to be on the same island
with Hilda, and in fact wasn't happy about being on the same planet.
Things like that make men take desparate measures.
And, actually, in it's own way, it WAS a brilliant plan.
ALL: What a headache. What happened?
EDDIE: The Station computer bailed on u *tickertapetickertape* s after a
grammar error, so i'll be running this while it tri*tickertapetickertape*es to
get it's wind back.
AGRAJAG: Oh, Zarquon no.
But... this WAS Nerima.
ARTHUR: Eh?
Tatewaki Kuno purchased a cherry ice from a sidewalk vendor and
casually began to consume the confection. It wasn't what he would
normally do, true, but he was feeling unusually blithe and peaceful
this fine day, and besides, who could gainsay the Blue Thunder the
occaisional sweet?
EDDIE: Author, you misspelled "occasional".
####
Ukyo could not easily get the Vikings out of her mind. Something
like that was... well, the sort of thing that one could not get out
of one's mind easily.
FORD: Even in writing, humans have the annoying tendency to state the obvious.
"Konatsu-chan, we're closing early today. And... get your gear.
I have a feeling that something's going to happen, and I just bet
that it'll happen at--"
FORD: Galactic Sector QQ5, ActiveJ Gamma?
*EDDIE drops a heavy herring-and-marmalade sandwich on FORD's head*
"The Tendo residence?" finished the crossdressing ninja.
"Ukyo-sama, I wouldn't doubt it."
Ukyo nodded. "I saw something very... strange today. VERY
strange."
"As you have taught me, Ukyo-sama, this IS Nerima."
"Strange for here."
TEN THOUSAND PEOPLE: Whop.
Konatsu's eyes lit up. FINALLY he would get to wear the new
ninja gear that Ukyo-sama had bought for his birthday... the one with
the delicate and perfectly feminine but still concealing lace trim on
the hood. "I'll get my gear."
####
Shampoo looked at the table in the Nekohanten and sighed. Where
WAS the stupid Duck-boy? Where was Great-grandmother? And where did
this herring come from?
Oh, well, she could always visit Ranma.
FORD: Typical Bimbo Logic. Not quite entirely unlike Eccentrica Gallumbitis,
the triple-breasted whore of eroticon 5, if i say so myself.
####
Hikaru Gosunkugi was at the moment having a thrilling, action
packed, mind-bending adventure on a south sea island with Lara Croft,
Indiana Jones the third, Rally Vincent, Michael "Air" Jordan, and
Lassie. It was epic in scale, filled with excitement, romance,
danger, and all the other things that make a perfect summer
blockbuster film.
Well, ACTUALLY, he was in his room trying to get past level one
of Spyro the Dragon. But he WISHED that he was on a thrilling,
action packed, mind-bending adventure on a south sea island with Lara
Croft, Indiana Jones the third, Rally Vincent, Michael "Air" Jordan,
and Lassie. At any rate, he's not in this story, and I don't know
why I even BOTHERED mentioning him.
Sorry about that.
ALL: *Blink*
####
Kodachi, on the other hand, having had an unfortunate accident
while working in her garden (Never get TOO close to the roses with
the greenish-pink streaks) THOUGHT she was on a thrilling, action
packed, mind-bending adventure on a south sea island with Lara Croft,
Indiana Jones the third, Rally Vincent, Michael "Air' Jordan, and
Lassie.
So, she's not in this story either. But she's having a MUCH
better time of not being in the story than Gosunkugi.
ALL: *BLINK*
####
Ryoga Hibiki IS in this story, and in a few minutes he's going to
wish to HELL he wasn't. But then, that's par for the course, isn't
it?
####
As Mousse approached the Tendo household, he had-- for a fleeting
moment-- second thoughts about his plan. Then he remembered Hilda.
Second thoughts were banished.
MST-OS version 30.00 booting up. Default reviewer personalities in use, using
factory defaults.
ARTHUR, FORD, MARVIN, AGRAJAG: Who are you?
MIKE, TOM, CROW, and GYPSY: Who are you?
####
Akane glared at the bowl. The bowl refused to glare back, but
that was because it was an inanimate object without eyes.
MARVIN: That'll change soon. the Sirius Cybernetics company is working on
making eating utensils with "Genuine People Personalities"
What was IN the bowl didn't have eyes either, but it did seem to
have a slightly glaring attitude to it. At least, it was hissing.
Shrimp and rice soup, Akane was certain, was not supposed to
hiss.
ZAPHOD: Sorry i'm late. Saaayy, those shrimp look very much unlike lobster,
don't they?
*Everyone agrees*
MST3K crew: Who are you?
ZAPHOD: *Pointing at Mike* Hey, another talking monkey!
Nodoka stared at the susbtance, in mixed horror and wonder. She
had carefully monitored every step of Akane's preparation of the
recipie. She had made certain that no extraneous ingredient had been
added. She had been very careful to make sure that the cooking
methods had been adhered to with utmost precision. At least, she
thought she had... but she had had to turn her back once or twice...
TOM: Always a mistake, turning your back.
MIKE: Are you going to be dark, today?
ARTHUR: Say, have you ever been to Belgium? Could you tell me what's so
horrible about it?
Perhaps she had rushed the cooking lesson a bit. Akane had only
recently mastered rice, after all. The soup was a rather complex
dish...
"This... isn't exactly right, is it, Auntie?"
"Ah... I'm afraid not, Akane-chan. But... well. You can always
taste it?"
Error: Period expected, Question-mark found.
"ME?"
MST3k crew: SHE SAID, YOU CAN ALWAYS TASTE IT!
"Well, if you taste it, and it's... not quite right, then that
way you will know that Ranma won't care for it, and she won't be...
unhappy with it."
"In other words, she won't tell me it's a toxic mess. But... why
should I taste it? You don't taste your cooking, after all--"
"Of course I do. Every good cook tastes her cooking as she goes
along."
Akane blinked. "They... they do?"
"Why, yes. I do, Kasumi does, Ranma does, even Genma does-- and
he is a fair campfire cook, you know."
MIKE: Coulda fooled me.
Akane shrugged. Well, she'd taste it. And then when she
presented it to Ranma, she'd know it was good, and the trainee girl
would have no option to admit it. And--
CROW: Trainee girl, huh? Guess we're watching girldays.
TOM: Ix-nay on the Ourth-fay All-way!!!!
As she put the spoon in her mouth, her eyes widened. And
widened. And widened.
And...
####
Ryoga and Ranma looked up as Akane fled the kitchen and shot
towards the bathroom as though the hounds of hell were on her heels.
"What was that?" wondered Ryoga.
"No idea. Your move, Ryoga."
TOM: I get the feeling that this's been done before, i can't place it though.
They went back to the second game.
####
Cologne proceded towards the Tendo household with a package.
(I do hope Ranma likes it,) she mused. (She's ready for it at
any rate, and I think she's earned it. Such a joy to teach. Even if
I can't get her to marry Shampoo, I'll probably still teach her just
because it's so rewarding. And that Japanese Amazon idea seems
better all the time.)
FORD: I wonder, why should a bath product want for Ranma to marry another bath
product?
TOM: Crow, would you clue him in?
*FORD's eyes widen as CROW tells him a widely distorted version of Ranma 1/2*
Cologne chuckled at the concept of Ranma as Matriarch. Then
again, in the paternalistic Japanese society, that could work.
TOM: Okay, that's one.
MIKE: One what
TOM: One out of seven times something like that can happen.
MIKE: And if more happen?
TOM: Pray that no more than seven happen.
She hefted the bundle and carried on.
####
Mousse arrived. Carefully he peered about, but did not see
Ranma.
Then he put his glasses on and peered again. Ah, THERE she was.
"Saotome, I... I need your assistance."
Ranma looked up from the shogi table and blinked. "You need...
that's a new one."
"This is difficult enough without your jests, Saotome. I need to
borrow some of your clothing."
"What, my Chinese gear? Well, I'm not wearing it for another
month, so I guess I can lend you a tang or two..."
"No, your other clothing."
Ranma scratched her head. "Well... I don't often wear that
yellow shirt and red tie anymore either, heck, you can probably keep
it--"
"No, your... OTHER other clothing."
TOM: Two.
Pause.
"You wanna borrow some of my... girl stuff?"
"Well, I certainly can't borrow any of Shampoo's. I don't want
her to find out about my plan."
Ranma peered at Mousse closely. And then, slowly shook her head.
"Won't work."
"And how do you know it won't work?"
"Hey, it never worked for Tsubasa. Dressing like a girl has yet
to get him a date with any girl he's tried it with-- Ukyo isn't the
only one, just his fave. No WAY is crossdressing going to get
Shampoo to notice--"
"That's NOT my plan, and that's NOT why I need them!"
"Well, what IS it, and why?"
Mousse began to explain.
*TOM leans in towards screen to listen*
TOM: *shaking, high-pitched voice* Three FourFivesIXSEVEN*KABOOM*
GYPSY: Oh dear. I'll have to find a replacement for that.
####
Kasumi Tendo did not make messes. She cleaned them up.
Frequently.
Many people have wondered why Kasumi never got irritated at the
constant housework she was subjected to. They wondered why she never
blew her stack. They wondered a lot of things abut her ability to
keep her calm while all about her were becoming a pack of howling
lunatics bent on world destruction-- or a close facsimile thereof.
They didn't understand that to Kasumi, housework was a kata.
MIKE: New one on me. Howmuchyawannabet that becomes a clichee?
The purpose of a kata is twofold-- first to practice and perfect
the Art, and second to act as a focus for meditation and control.
For Kasumi, her Art was domestic rather than martial, but it was an
Art just the same, and one she was incredibly good at. If they gave
rankings for housework, Kasumi would have been fifth or sixth dan
easily.
When she was upset or irritated, she would take hold of a broom
or bring out a pot and in a few moments the negative feelings would
be washed away by the rituals of her Art.
A side effect of this was that her focus in her chosen Art was so
complete, so total, that she was capable of accepting damn near
anything in the name of the harmony of the house. Ranma's a girl for
a while? Then she's a girl. Undress in front of Ranma? Why not--
it's just us girls, right? Teach Akane to cook? Well, the sages say
that it's a noble effort to attempt the impossible.
Kasumi, you see, was not-- as so many have erroneously surmised--
naturally oblivious to her surroundings and the insanity that went on
on almost a daily basis.
MIKE: Really? *raises eyebrow*
No, she had to achieve that obliviousness through long and
difficult training and focus.
*MIKE picks himself off the floor, after a major facefault*
The result was that she was pretty much the happiest and most
content person in Nerima.
And, of course, she never actually contributed to the insanity.
Until now, as she finished sweeping the dust from Akane's brick
practice into a plastic bag, placing it to one side for later
disposal.
####
Tatewaki Kuno stopped for a moment to watch a kamishibai artist
practicing that almost forgotten art of narrative with drawings.
Respecting such a effort to keep traditional styles of storytelling
alive, he dropped some yen-- a fair bit, actually-- into the
receptacle designed for such, and strolled on, savoring his cherry
ice.
TOM: WATCH as kuno is actually generous.
CROW: THRILL as kuno has a NORMAL DAY.
MIKE: ixnay on eiking-bray all-way number or-fay....
BOTS [minus MARVIN]: Eh?
MIKE: We missed that part.
####
Akane was despondent. She was also nauseous.
In her mind, if she could cook rice, that meant that certainly
she could cook a rice soup. Didn't that make sense? She was doing
all right in home economics, right?
TOM: Bull.
Of course, there Ranma was watching her like a hawk, and the
foods there were somewhat more simple than Nodoka's famed soup, but
still... what had gone wrong?
The Tendo resididence rejoiced in a western-style toilet. If you
can afford one, they are well liked in Japan. They are comfortable,
efficient, and most of all highly useful if you are suddenly sick.
Generations of fraternity initiates can attest to that after a
serious beer bash, and so could any unfortunate Tendo who was
assaulted by one of Akane's failures.
CROW: How does having a toilet help a black eye or a slipped disk?
And although she had been getting better-- somewhat-- when she
DID blow it, she blew it big-time.
CROW: *cut off*
MIKE: Down, boy.
(I guess... I need to practice simpler foods...)
####
Kasumi entered the kitchen, and sighed. Nodoka was scraping the
"soup" into the trash-can, gazing as it fell in semi-solid chunks.
"I can't see what she could have done to cause this,
Kasumi-chan," the Saotome matriarch said. "After she went to...
well, you know, it started to... to... coagulate. I've never seen
anything like it."
CROW: EEeeeeep.
BRAIN: Are you pondering what i'm pondering?
HEY, Cameos off the set! For that, i'm erasing your part.
BRAIN: Ingrate.
"At least she can make rice now. And a passable miso soup. You
and Ranma have been such a help."
"It's mostly Ranma, I'm afraid. She's determined to make Akane
a-- and I quote-- "Non-threatening" cook. I suppose that she's still
not ready for fancier recipies yet."
"I... suppose. Well, this pot will take a while to clean, and
the counter is something of a mess. Since everyone's had their bath,
I don't need to clean the furo yet, so I may as well begin here..."
*MST3k CREW snicker*
####
Akane finally cleaned up a bit, and felt somewhat better.
Stepping out of the bathroom, she was greeted by the interesting
sight of Ranma and Ryoga staring at Mousse as though the Amazon boy
had grown a second head.
ZAPHOD: Hey, don't knock it till you've tried it.
ARTHUR: Are you still here?
"You have GOT to be kidding me. You just HAVE to. That's the
most insane plan I have ever heard in my LIFE!" This, oddly, wasn't
from Ranma (Who, to be truthful, held much the same opinion) but
Ryoga.
MARCO: I've heard more insane ones.
All right, that's the LAST time I hire cameos.
"Is not," sulked Mousse, who was used to abuse from Ranma but
wasn't quite so from Ryoga.
"I don't see how you plan to do this, Mousse," said Ranma, with a
quizzical expression.
"It's simple. Hilda's looking for a boy. I nicked a packet of
Instant Nyannichuan from Cologne, and so all I have to do is use it,
dress in some of your clothes, and poof-- Mousse if baibai, and all
there is is another girl. It's only for a few hours until I can make
my way to the train station and go somewhere where she won't find me.
Like, say, Berlin."
TOM: Sieg heil!
CROW: That joke was in bad taste, considering that China's still communist.
"It's not that easy, Mousse. Being a girl is a LOT more
complicated than a dress and a different body, trust me."
"I'm not going to be doing this for months like you, Saotome.
Just for a few hours until I'm on the train and gone. I'll come back
in a month or so when Hilda's gone back to China. If I can stand
being a duck, I can stand being a girl for a while."
"Hmm... well, at least you won't glomp me at the Nekohanten
thinking I'm Shampoo during my Amazon training..."
"Hey, I only did that once."
Ranma gazed at Mousse coldly.
"Well, twice."
Gazing was not interrupted.
"Oh, all right, more than twice."
"Seventeen times. Also three times you mistook me for Cologne,
twice for mother-- who isn't even IN Japan, and once for a television
set."
Continuity error: Nodoka is right there in the kitchen. Core dumped.
"All right. And you didn't have to hit me that hard, Saotome..."
"That WASN'T a power button, Mousse," Ranma replied coldly.
ARTHUR: Hey, where'd everyone go?
ZAPHOD: They cut it when the main computer failed. they were just simulations
kernel garbagecollect() succesS_ found five runaway processes.
FORD: Erm... what's that mean?
MARVIN: I think it means that we
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