Hello Damocles.
Hello all. Thank you for sending me the wonderous C&C--you make some
excellent comments and I hope to incorporate what's said into my story. I
have been getting some good feedback so far and some great suggestions. I
just hope that I don't disappoint my loyal readers *snicker* with later
chapters. Now, to C&C your C&C...hehee....I took some of your advice and
tweaked it..I believe and hope that it is in the "finished for good
stage"...but who knows, eh?
Gie
General Comments:
WAHAHAHAhAhahAhahAhaah ::choke choke splutter:: Great! Love
the plot so far. Some of the speech patterns are off, like
Akane towards the end, and Ukyo when she was talking to
Xanatos... but otherwise, great.
---> Thank you! I'm pleased you like it. I know you're a big name in
Garg-world.. ;) to I value your opinion.
I hope this'll either be a one off bit of friction, a
start of a small rough time for them, or you're gonna
revise the prologue. ^_^
--->Yep, just a litle lapse...I plan on having a few--not too many, but hey,
this *is* Ranma and Akane...
> Another pair also left the hangar the same time the
> Nerima 4 left. David Xanatos and his assistant Owen Burnett
Avoid using numerals, when a typed word will do. The
Nerima 4 sounds like a team... hehe. Sorta like "Team 7".
As for Owen... heh. Garg Fanfic convention also calls him a
'major domo', but that's for later if you want to describe
what he does again.
--->Point. I thought of that as I read my post to the list--Gie no baka!
You're supposed to have been an English major...sigh
> The blond majordomo frowned and looked around. “He said
kinda like now. -_-; This'll teach me to speak too soon.
*l*
---> hee hee
he would be waiting in the parking lot, with his vehicle, to
> take us to the springs, Mr. Xanatos. He should be around
> here somewhere.” Owen pointed in a direction. “Ah, sir, I
> believe that is he over there.” And sure enough, standing by
'believe that is him over there.'
---> Point.
> an old beat-up Army jeep, was the Jusenkyian holding a sign
> that read “Xanatos.”
ex-Army (US Army?) Jeep, was the Jusenkyo Guide, holding a
sign written in rough scrawl reading 'Xanatos'.
---> Hmm..Interesting
> The guide noticed the tall gajiins and waved in their
'tall foreigners' Gaijin is Japanese. Mr Guide person is
Chinese. ^_^ oh, and it _is_ 'Gaijin', not 'Gaijins' As
far as I know there are no plurals in Japanese
---> Point. *bonk* Gie no baka
> direction. “Honorable sirs, you Zan-A-Toes?” Xanatos rolled
> his eyes, coughed and nodded. “Good, good. Let me help
*grin* Xanatos does not roll his eyes. He's too cool for
that. This is just my opinion here though. Besides,
he'd smirk, and 'Zan-a-toes' is pretty close... ^_~
--->Point. Good call
> passed the Americans, Owen looked up and barelyt avoided
typo... 'barely'
--->oops..noticed that after I sent that in too.
> running into Ranma.
> “Excuse me.”
> “I’m sorry”
Ranma or Ryoga didn't notice the Guide? They MUST have
been distracted. :Ţ
---> He was...starting the vehicle? Anyway, they were a tad distracted and
Owen and Ranma only noticed each other. I wanted a scene where they made the
briefest of contact before Jusenkyo.
> They nodded at each other and continued on their way.
> Ranma concentrated on his sulking, and thought to
> himself. ‘Why is Akane being so nice to Ryouga? It’s not
> like he’s never been sick before. <scowl> Why is she
'He frowned.' You used scowl before with Akane, and
<scowl> is more appropriate in chat. ^_~
---> Point. On both notes. I spend way too much time in Dalnet...at least
it wasn't a '/me'
> fussing over him? It’s not like she’s his fiancee. Why am I
> obsessing over this? We both sort of admitted there was
'AAAAARRRGH! Why am I obsessing over this?' Or something
like that. Shows some frustration on his part.
-->hmmm
> coming to his lips. ‘Man, she’s really gotten to me! All
> she has to do is smile that smile and I’m a puddle of putty.
'all she has to do is gimme that smile' Again, personal
preference. ^_^;
> Oh, but what a smile...’ Ranma was awoken from his dream of
> Akane in a field of flowers smiling at him when Ukyou
> clobbered him over the head with her spatula.
> “Ranma, Ranma! Haven’t you been listening to what I said
> for the past five minutes? What’s going through that thick
> skull of yours?”
WAHAHAAHAHAHHAA! That was cool.
---> Danke
> “Okay, let’s get going. We want to make it there before
> sunset, right?”
This is called forshadowing folks.... or at least I hope
so. ^_^;;
-->Yay! Someone noticed!
> Just as the Nerima 4 got off the convenient shuttle, the
> Guide, Xanatos and Owen were getting out of the jeep. The
> groups looked at each other in surprise, nodded and bowed in
Xanatos and Owen wouldn't bat an eyelid... well Owen might
raise an eyebrow in curiosity seeing as he bumped into
Ranma before. And the Nerimans - most of them didn't see
Xanatos and Owen... heh,
-->Point. You gots me on that one. sigh Boy, this is becoming repetitive
;)
> greeting to each other, and followed the Guide into the hut.
> Plum greeted each of them and offered them some tea while her
> father handed out some papers.
> “These papers are release forms that need to be signed.
> They basically say you hold your life in your hands and will
> not sue or hold me or my father, the Guide, responsible for
*puts on Lawyer suit* 'you will not sue, maim, or
otherwise hold me or my father, the Guide, responsible'
---> hahahahaha good one
> environments. Plus, we were in the area and thought it would
> be an interesting stop on our trip.”
Famous last words. *l* You may want to isolate that
statement to highlight it. Have Xanatos pause for effect
and sort of say it flippantly/casually. ^_^;
---> Good call. I'll take that suggestion and rasie ya a smirk :)
> so I will allow your passage through Jusenkyo. Ranma and
> company have been here before and know the true dangers of
'Ranma and his friends' my opinion again. ^_^;
---> :)
> father or me the entire time while in the Springs area. This
> is for your own safety. I can not stress that enough.”
and sanity. *l*
> Ranma made a sickly face. “Yes, I do. I fell into
> Nyannichuan, or drowned girl spring.”
I'd think Ranma would be embarrassed or reluctant to show
a complete stranger.
Yanno, I just realised that Nabiki would be insanely
jealous when she hears that they met the richest man in
the world. *l*
---> Hmmm...
> “What happened to the spring, Mr. Guide?” Akane asked.
> “Where did it go?”
What _is_ the guide's name? *l*
*creativity demon strikes*
"What happened to the spring, Mr Guide?" Akane
blinked.
"er... what _is_ your name?"
The guide scratched his head. "I don't remember."
Mass facefault ensues.
*creativity demon leaves*
*grin* Sorry, ignore that.
----> LOL! Good one.
> The Guide thought for a minute, and replied, “Spring
'and faked an answer.' We already know he doesn't know
why it disappeared.
--->Point.I wanted to show that was his only explanation for the springs'
dissapearance.
> down at his wet, cold, MALE body. “Woohoo! It worked! I am
> finally a whole male again! No more Ranko! No more Kuno
> groping me! I’m free at last. Thank God, I’m free at last!”
Amen to that my brother! *l* Ain't that on Martin Luther
King's tombstone?
--->Yes it is.
> While Ranma bounced around in joyous celebration, and
> Ukyou and Akane watched, Ryouga started thinking. ‘That
> means the pig is gone too! That means I can eat bacon for
> breakfast again!’ Wherein, he started to run towards Akane
Hah? Why would this change?
--->The pig being gone? He jumped in after Ranma, therefore getting cured
via the Nyannichuan
> direction from him. In her urgency to get away, she tripped
> over a root and started to fall into a nearby spring.
>
> Akane screamed.
*dramatic music* dum dum DUM!
;)
> spring. He was too late. Not only did Akane fall into the
> water, but Ranma also fell in right after her.
*lol* GREAT!
---> I thought it was *convienent*
> tears, a gasping breath came from the once lifeless body of
> Akane. “Oh my God...Akane! You’re alive! Thank God!”
'the nearly drowned Akane', my opinion again. *thinks*
yet another Akanenichuan? *l*
--->Keep reading!
realized he was crushing her, and released his
> grip enough to bring her face to face with him. “I was so
> scared of losing you, Akane. Please don’t leave me.”
'Please, don't DO that again!"'
> down for a crushing kiss that surprised Ranma tremendously.
> Akane deepened the kiss and enjoyed just being with Ranma, >
alive.
You used 'crushing' before to describe ranma's hug. for
variety use another word.
---Point. I'll go check the handy-dandy thesaurus
> grimace. “Excuse me, guys. Hello? There are others
> present.” Ranma and Akane broke their kiss and blushed
'others present." she said testily.' opinion again. ^_^;;
---> I had are italiciced, but it got lost inthe formatting. BTW..is it
possible to do the right format via Works? That's what I use to type. Just
wondering. Or is it just safer to type in Note/WordPad?
> The Guide snapped out of his trance and was relieved that
> he could contribute something important. “Oh poor guests!
> How very, very tragic! You both fell into Gaagoirniichuan,
> or spring of drowned gargoyle. About 1200 years ago, a
> gargoyle fell into that spring. Funny, spring not seen for
> long time. This special spring, though. Curse permanent.”
o.O;
'This special spring. Very Tragic. Curse permanent.'
my opinion again. ^_^;;;
---> Maybe...
> Akane and Ranma backed away from each other and truly
> looked at one another.
> “Permanent?”
> They looked up into each other’s face and fainted.
'They looked into each other's faces and finally the
changes that they'd taken on registered. They fainted.'
IMO again. hehehe.
--->that's good. Someone else commented that they should have reacted to
their new gargoyle forms right away--IMO, I think the shock of losing Akane
would be enough that physical appearances wouldn't matter. That's pretty
much for the entire cast....they are more shocked that Akane fell into a
spring and almost died, rather than the features of which spring they fell
into. Make sense? Or did I not portray that well enough?
In any case, I wasn't expecting this for some reason.
ehehe.
> “I guess,” Ranma shrugged. “It makes sense. Hey, look
> at your tail. Heh, I shoulda guessed.”
> Akane reached for her tail. It was long and thin, like
> Ranma’s, but instead of an arrowhead for a tip, she had a
> hammerhead on the end.
^_^;; heh. hammer.
--> Come on...Okay I know it's cheesy, but it'll come into play later on in
the storyline.
> over to Ranma to see what was wrong. Ukyou, noticing that
> Akane got there first, backed off and let Akane handle the >
situation.
Why would she back off?
--->She realizes that She had Lost Ranma to Akane. The little things earlier
were a clue, but The Change confirmed that. This is just an indication that
Ukyou realizes the inevitable. I hope....
> “I guess the switching of physiology between human and
> gargoyle is just too painful.”
Explain Ryouga etc... ^_^;
---> This helps set up the reason for Ranma and Akane accepting the curse
faster than, say, Ranma did with the girl. Also, someone mentioned that it
shjould only take a few moments...Nope...It goes very slow and gradual,
therefore being ewxtremely painful...ie Demona's trans.
> every time I want to revert to human form. What are we going
> to do, Ranma?”
'revert to normal' so in their minds, they are in an alien
body.
--->point.
> “You are correct. I have had personal experience with
> the gargoyles in New York. They, in fact, live with me at my
> castle. Castle Wyvern, on top of the Aerie Building.”
"In fact, I host them at their ancestral home on my
corporate Headquarters... you may have heard of it."
(IMO again)
--->Interesting. He seems cocky there...
> “When they are in a battle mode. Their eyes will light
'Combat or angered.' Battle mode sounds.. cheesy
---> I couldn't think of another way to but it..Point
> Would you want to meet them? I can arrange to have them meet
> you in Nerima tomorrow night.”
How did Xanatos know where they were from?
--->nix Nerima
> “That should be no problem. But, as Owen warned you
> earlier, it is almost sunrise and it is time for you to go to
> stone. I would like to offer my services and give the four
'go to sleep.' or 'turn to stone.'
----> <sigh> yet another Gie no baka....
> Ukyou looked at the jet. “Xanatos Enterprises...Now I
> remember where I have heard that name before. You’re one of
> the richest men in the world, aren’t you?”
> Xanatos turned to Ukyou and bowed. “You are right, my
> fair lady. I do have a rather large bank account.” He
> winked at her. “I try not to let that get in my way.”
Now THAT, my friends, is Xanatos at his most charming. ;D
And that's all for now. ^_^
Thank you again, Damacoles, and everyone else for sending me their comments.
This is my first story. I cam up with the idea a few weeks ago at work and I
had to write it down...i was so psyched. And this is all my editing..no
pre-readersa or anything. So, thanks go out to all of you for reading it
<bows and scrapes> You have touched me so with your words! hee hee
One thing I would like to address, though, is Ranma and Akane's reaction to
the change. After reading some people's comments I have realized they *did*
accept the transformation rather quickly. And thinking about it, I rush
their lives along rather fast, too. Although, I intended some of this to
happen at this pace. A main reason is that the pernament part is stuck in
thei rminds, and as Ranma explained to Ukyou, they have to get used to it
quickly. It also is part shock. I may have Akane rebel a little later,
especially when she realizes that there is no sun in her future anymore.
ALso, I was thinking on the lines that when someone goes through a major
life-change...and I think this qualifies...that either they reject the people
they love or they cling to them. I think both Akane and Ranma could use a
little Bounce in their laundry. They do have each other to rely on and draw
strength from, but this only draws them closer and deepens their
relationship..at least it will in my story. :0 Artistic license....gota
love it.
Okay, I think I'm done ranted...now to revise and reedit...*sigh* okay,
don't expect the next section out untill next week....
Tootles!
Gie
"Stand in the place where you live. Now, face north."
>>