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platypus3333
platypus3333@yahoo.com
This may be the worst chapter of ANY fic that I have ever written in my entire life. School started, and.well.GOD DAMN HISTORY PAPER!!!!!
I always need comments. Something relevant and explanative, preferably.
For those who think it's too long: you don't have to read it in one sitting. I splice chapters together to save space.
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Pokemon: Trainers
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Part 8: Urban Chaos
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Jim stared. "What kind of dumb idiot plants a bush in the path to his gym?"
Bob drooled. 'Teletubby.'
"Because, he's a stupid human--"
"Shut UP, Mewtwo! " Jim fumbled around his bag. "How the hell am I going to get past this?"
'You use CUT.' Mew poked the bush.
"Oh.Mewtwo, cut it."
"The hell I will! YOU cut it yourself!"
"But.I'm not a pokemon! It's your job!"
"Yeah, you're a stupid little hairless chimp! And I'm not doing shit!"
"Hey, screw you!" Jim frowned as he found a pack of matches. "Think this will work?" Seeing that no answer was forthcoming, he took out a match and lit it. Then he tossed it onto the bush.
* FOOSH *
"Cool." Jim nodded approvingly as the bush lit up into a flaming pyre. "This bush is gonna be gone in no time."
* FOOOGH *
Unfortunately. Nintendo had constructed the gym out of wood. Budget cuts.
* FOOSH *
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Lt. Surge looked up from the fascinating, tremendously difficult task of polishing his medals. He sniffed. 'Something burning?' His eyes widened. "WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!" He jumped up. "THOSE DAMNED COMMIE BASTARDS!" Reaching under the desk, he withdrew an M4 Carbine. "THEY WON'T TAKE ME WITHOUT A FIGHT!" Lighting a cigar, he punted a Pikachu out of the way and dove behind a trashcan. Then he started firing. 'I KNEW they'd come to get me! Damn those vodka-sucking--!' He paused to watch the steel door warily.
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Jim stared as the entire building started burning before him. Beside him, Mewtwo snickered. "Stupid human."
"Shut up."
"Hahaha."
"Shut up!" Jim watched as the gutter slowly swung down and lit a fence on fire. 'I'm really in trouble now. Oh, damn. I only have 3 bucks. What if I get sued?'
Mew jumped. The sounds of automatic fire could be heard. 'What the!'
* Bzgtbzgtbzgt *
"What the hell is that???!"
'.'
"DAMNED COMMIES! DIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" They watched as the aged form of Lieutenant Surge kicked down the burning door and started scanning the horizon. Taking a grenade from his belt, he pulled the pin out with his teeth, spit it out, and tossed the rest back into the building. "God DAMN it's good to be back in action!"
* BOOM *
"Hahaha--what, the!" Surge screamed as the already weakened infrastructure of the building collapsed onto him. "AAAAAIIIIEEE!"
They watched this, morbidly fascinated. By now, the fire had run along the fence and hit the Pokecenter, which, unfortunately, was connected to the row of houses behind it. Speechless, they ignored the screaming people around them, people dancing in unholy chaos. A young boy yelped as fire crept up his leg, neglecting to roll around on the ground. Then the Pokecenter exploded, sending little balls into the stratosphere. Some dropped back, shattering and releasing their contents.
"Oh, shit."
Bob spoke up. "Does this mean we don't get a badge?"
"Shut up." They watched as the Pokemart blew up.
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Now, for a completely unrelated subplot (tentatively titled Subplot A):
Giovanni frowned. Frankly, if you were a great and feared crime boss with a bunch of incompetent dumbasses, 3 of which are currently in prison, in your employ, you would probably be frowning too. "This.Jim," he said in that menacing way villains do.
The shadowy figure across from him was silent. "."
Giovanni steepled his fingers. "Jim Corben.he is dangerous."
"."
"He is causing trouble for us."
"."
"It is rumored that he has both Mew and Mewtwo."
"."
"It is also rumored that he helped inspire an angry mob at Pokemon Tech."
"."
"He must be dealt with."
"."
"Ruthlessly." Giovanni thought for a moment. "--And bring his Pokemon to me."
"."
"You may go."
"." The shadow nodded, and stood up.
"." Giovanni watched as the shadow opened the door, casting an eerie red glow about the room. Then all was black again.
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No, even though I'm the author, I have no idea what the hell the above meant. It might be better to just ignore it. Of course, you probably didn't ignore that messed up Star Wars thing a few chapters back, even though I told you to. Or, rather, Nintendo told you to. Those evil stupid.
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"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I WINNNNN!!!!!!" Mewtwo threw down his cards triumphantly. "HAHAHA! AGAIN! HAHAHAHA!"
Jim sighed and handed over his pants. 'Note to self. Never play poker against psychic beings. Ever again.' "Damn it." He slumped to the table surface. "How come you can't take BOB's money?"
Mewtwo turned and concentrated. "No.I'm getting a blank from this direction."
"Man."
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Ash and Misty were lying in a hotel bed this time. They were in an interesting position. Enough about that, though.
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Note from Nintendo Co. & GameFreak:
The fact that the platypus gets away with screwing with a popular CHILDRENS television show like this boggles the mind. It is also evidence of the decline of society. Therefore he must die. PLATYPUS3333 MUST DIE!!! HAHAHAHA! We have sent out scores of hitmen, but have only managed to insert this very note into his eighth story. HAHAHA! FEAR NINTENDO! HE IS A CRAFTY ONE, BUT HE SHALL NOT ESCAPE OUR WRATH!
On another note, we deny and condemn any accusations that we are attempting to control the world with Pokemon. These rumors are false and those who created them are stupid candy-ass jerks.
Thank you.
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'Whoa. What the...' James frowned as the "Food Preparation Specialist" shoveled around a 3 inch squared block of "Boiled Meat Product" onto his foam plate. "Um. Thanks."
"Ung." The man grunted and shut the steel window. James sighed and turned to the left.
He swerved to avoid a particularly nasty Texan and marched past "Table H" as fast as possible. "."
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Unlike most of the tables in the cafeteria, "Table H" consisted primarily of computer hackers. Not the cool ones, but the ones who get caught. A.K.A., the group of 19 year old skinny male freaks with faces red with pimples and thick glasses held together with duct tape, A.K.A. the people who were stupid enough to attempt hacking Professor Oak's computer. They also needed some help with personal hygiene: thus, even death row inmates shunned this section of the lunch room. Unknown to most, these hackers spent their time talking about meaningless subjects.
"Pikachu, even after marinated in a fine wine sauce and roasted slowly over a wood fire, still tastes like rat!! I swear!" A boy, who will be labeled as "Hacker A," took a sip of "milk."
The boy next to him (Hacker B) frowned. "The hell it does! Pikachu tastes like chicken!"
Hacker C shook his head sadly. "No, scrambled Togepi is the TRUE delicacy. It's a MUST for the gourmet."
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James sighed and sat down in a remote corner of the room. Unfortunately, the prison did not allow women, men, and Pokemon in the same section. Thus, he sat alone. 'Giovanni will bust me out soon. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. Shit, I'm doomed.' He prodded the "meat" with his spork. 'Man.I never thought I would say this, but I miss Spam.' James sighed dreamily. 'Mmm.Spamwich.mmm.' He wiped the thin trickle of drool from the corner of his mouth and speared a small chunk. 'Holy shit.' The steel metal of the table started dissolving where the sauce hit it. He sighed and slowly inserted it into his mouth. 'Hmm.hmm.chewy.wet.' His eyes widened. "AAAAAAAAAAAH!"
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Jim looked up. "What the hell is that?"
"I don't--ATTACK!" Mewtwo clutched his head. The chimney exploded inward, knocking out everyone except Jim.
"Hello? BLOODY HELL! YOU!"
"HOHOHOHO!" The jolly fat man was clad in red, the color of blood. He wore countless numbers of furs, stripped from innocent squirrels everywhere. He hired midgets exclusively. He abused deer into doing his bidding. He smoked pipes. This man.was representative of all that was evil and politically incorrect. "PREPARE TO DIE!" He had sold his soul to video game manufacturers years ago, and had soon twisted into a malevolent engine of destruction. He leered and pulled out a giant sharpened candy cane.
"DEAR GOD! SANTA!" Jim started backing away. "Not you.not now."
"HohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." He fell to the ground as the house shook. "What the?"
"Hey, kids!"
"No! Not you!" Santa crawled backwards. "MICKEY! YOU EVIL BACK-STABBING BASTARD!!" His eyes focused on the cat behind him. "And Garfield!" His eyes widened even more. "No.the king of all us sold out icons."
Jim frowned. "This is getting majorly screwed up."
"SNOOPY! NOOOOOO!"
"Get Met!"
"Never, you scum-sucking abomination!" He reached into his huge sack and withdrew a machete.
The others did the same. Snoopy sneered. Then the fight was joined.
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Note: I, the author, respect the creators of the above very much. Especially Charles Schulz, who will stop drawing his cartoon "Peanuts" after around 50 years. And Walt Disney (wherever he may be), who's probably attempting to curse Michael Eisner for the crap has produced lately. I mean, jeez, "Tarzan" was decent, but "Hercules" and "Hunchback" sucked so much it's unnatural. The best stuff Disney releases now isn't even produced in-studio ("Toy Story," "Princess Mononoke.") That's just SAD, man! I'm not going to say anything about Garfield.
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Several minutes later, after a horrid and pointless fight scene, Santa laughed, standing in the middle of a puddle of red ink. The room looked like a storm had hit it.
"HO HO HO!"
Jim started backing away. His only hope had been the Easter Bunny, which Snoopy had eaten. "Can't we talk about this?"
"HO HO HO!"
"Um."
"HAHAHA!" He started advancing.
"I mean, violence is. bad. Why can't we have a meaningful discussion about our differences?" He started twitching nervously.
"SPPOON!"
"What the hell?" Jim looked up and saw a huge blue figure jump in through the window and tackle the jolly red killer. "."
"Spooon!" Then he leapt off into the night.
Jim stared at the trashed room, then sat down on a chair and proceeded to get illegally drunk. Assuming, of course, that he wasn't already. Which was a possibility.
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Part 9: Stranded?
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"IDIOT!"
"Ow! Misty!" Ash rubbed his shoulder. "That hurt!"
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR PIDGEOT DIED OUT ON US!"
Ash covered his ears. 'What's that damned ringing?' "What?"
"AND I'VE GOT SAND IN MY SHOE!!!!!!" She pulled it off and shook the sand out.
"Well, you're wearing sandals! Of course you're gonna get sand in your shoe!"
"ARGH!" Misty kicked up a pile of sand.
"Pika." Pikachu looked around. As far as the eye could see, there was sand. Nothing but.sand. And sun. And those damned humans. He sighed.
"." Ash avoided looking at the girl and sulkily stared toward the sky.
"I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!! YOUR STUPID POKEMON DROPPED US IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT!!!!"
"Hey, you liked me well enough last nig--"
"WHAT! WHAT DID YOU SAY??!"
* Whap *
Ash rubbed the red mark on his left cheek. "Ow!"
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Above passage partially lifted off of episode 26 for Neon Genesis Evangelion. Watch the series. Go, and watch that series.
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"HAVE YOU NO SHAME!?"
"You're the one who suggested the whipped cream--"
"SHUT UP."
"FINE! I WILL!" Both satisfied that they had won, they kept walking silently.
"Pika." Pikachu shocked a scorpion into a coma. "Chu!"
"." Misty frowned.
"." Ash frowned.
"."
"."
"."
"."
".I'm hungry."
"."
"And thirsty."
".Me too."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"I hate this place."
"Yeah."
"Yeah." Misty kicked a small beetle into the stratosphere. "Ugh. I hate bugs."
"."
"Stupid bugs." She lifted her head and gazed into the sky. "Ugh."
"Right."
"Well, I'm still hungry."
"So am I."
"And thirsty."
"."
"Jeez, I could eat anything."
"."
"." She looked back at the sand. "."
Ash tried to keep the growling in his stomach at a relatively quiet level. "Damn."
"Arg, we're gonna die here."
"No we're not."
"What do you mean??!" She stopped and turned to glare at him. "We're pretty much stuck here!"
"Well."
"And we've got no food! Or water!"
"Well, still."
"Ok, smart guy, what are we gonna eat then??!"
"Um." They both stopped and looked at each other. Then, as one, they turned to look at Pikachu.
"Pi.Pika?" There was a strange look on both their faces. A very strange look. A.hungry.look. He started backing off.
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Sick passage follows. Don't read if you like Pokemon. I won't tell you what it's about, just don't read if the thought of eating Pokemon horrifies you. Oh, shit, I gave it away, didn't I?
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Misty took a bite. "Mmm."
"Not bad." Ash chewed thoughtfully.
"Tastes a little like rat."
"Yep."
"Chewy."
"Yep. Ow!" Ash spit something out onto the sand. They were seated around a fire, the orange flames lighting the area around them. Above, the stars glittered.
"Hmm. Lots of little bits."
"Hey."
"What?"
Ash took a round object out from his belt. "Is this a vegetable?" He held it up.
"Hey, I don't know."
"Me neither."
"We should try it sometime."
"Maybe."
"Pikachu, how are you holding up?"
"Pika." Pikachu sent a shock to keep the fire going, then put another rock on.
"Ow. Misty, remind me that eating.um." Ash held up a small pebble. "Remind me that eating whatever this is isn't good for my teeth."
She snorted. "You're eating a ROCK, you stupid idiot!"
"Oh, yeah!" Ash tried to bite through the huge rock he had held up earlier. This, as can be attested by anyone who has actually attempted to eat a rock, kind of hurt. Badly.
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I bet you thought that was going to be disgusting and foul, huh? Well, I haven't reached that stage yet.
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Part 10: Another Assassination Attempt
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Mewtwo snorted. "Three for a dollar! What human foolishness is this!"
Jim shook his head. 'Wish I could've gotten him back in that damned ball.'
"I HEARD THAT!"
"Sorry! Sorry!"
Bob sniffed the apple. "Smells decent."
"Yeah, but that's damned expensive, man."
"Three for dollar!" The woman had on a cheesy looking disguise, and looked suspiciously like a member of Team Rocket. This was a good guess, as she WAS, in fact, a member of Team Rocket.
"Listen, lady, three apples for a dollar sucks. Who the hell would pay that??!"
"Out of season!" She waved her arms frantically, trying to add to the disguise. "Very rare!"
"I'm sorry, that's too expensive."
"Well. how about trading Pokemon?" She grinned hopefully.
"Hm." 'Mewtwo would tell me if they were trying to rip me off-- right? Ok.' Neglecting to consider the fact that Mewtwo hated him and wanted him dead, Jim smiled amiably. "It's a deal. Which Pokemon?"
"Mewtwo?"
"No."
"Mew?"
"No."
"Ditto?"
"No."
"That?"
"No."
"This?"
"No."
"How about this?"
"No."
"Listen, kid, if you're not going to hand over any of your Pokemon, then #$^*@# off!"
"Hey, screw you, lady! You're asking for my best ones!"
"You have SIX, you pathetic fool! That's it!" She withdrew a knife from her tunic and leapt at him. "DIEEE!!!!"
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Part 10a: Herman
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James sat silently in his cell, staring at the cracks in the wall to his right. Below, the rats fought for dominance.
*Clank*
He looked up. "Hello?"
The door swung open to reveal a large, thuggish man. He grinned toothily, and sat down next to the Team Rocket member. The warden's voice could be heard from behind. "Got a new pal for ya, Jimmy. You two have fun! HAHAHAHA! Ack." The door closed.
They sat in silence for several minutes, staring at each other. James noted that the man smelled vaguely like the trash dumps of industrial New Jersey. Filing that thought away for later, he made his move. "So. what're you in for?"
"My name is Herman." He smiled again.
"Nice to meet you. but that wasn't the question."
"I ate 7 trainers and their Pokemon."
James blinked. "Excuse me?"
"I ate 7 trainers and their Pokemon."
"."
"."
"That's obviously some sort of exaggeration, correct? You didn't really eat 7 people."
"And their Pokemon."
"But you didn't."
"Yeah, I did." Herman looked at the wall. "The cops caught me once I was roasting a Cubone."
"That's disgusting!"
"I managed to bring some with me, you want?"
"NO!"
"Aw. Pity. Hey, are those rats?"
James didn't like the hungry look on Herman's face. "No, those are rocks pretending to be rats."
"Oh. Ok." Herman swung his legs and began humming Showtunes.
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Part 10b: Misty Scares the Living Hell Out of Ash
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"Thanks for the lift."
"Pidgeot!"
"Right, right." Misty looked back at Ash. "How are you doing?"
"F.fine. Fine. My hands are getting tired."
"Then you fall, then." She smiled innocently. "Too bad."
"."
"It's a small world aaafter all, it's a small world aaafter all."
"Stop doing that."
"Doing what?"
"Singing that song. It's unholy."
".No!" She took in some air and continued. "It's--"
"Ok, Ok! I give! What do you want??! A bike?"
She crawled over to the tail end of the Pokemon, where Ash was desperately gripping onto a huge feather. She made herself comfortable and leaned forward. "Nah, nothing like that. That's old."
"Misty. there's something chewing on my leg."
"Shut up for a minute. Can't you see I'm thinking??!"
"Sorry.Ow."
".Hmm. You're buying me dinner."
"What? OW! WHAT THE HELL! IT'S A GYRADOS!"
"What?"
"A FRIGGIN GYRADOS IS TRYING TO EAT ME! IT'S TRYING TO EAT-- YO! IT'S YOUR GYRADOS!"
"Of course it isn't. So, how about it? Dinner?"
"What? OW! CALL IT OFF!"
"I like Italian. no seafood for me!"
"Ok! Ok! Italian! Whatever!"
"And then we're going to see a movie."
"What the hell are you trying to pull! Are you on crack??!"
"I resent that!" She took a loose feather and began to tickle his nose. "Come on."
"Ok! Dinner!"
"And a movie."
"Ok!"
"And maybe a bike."
"Fine!"
"And a diamond ring."
"Gah!"
".And then we're getting married."
"WHAAA!" Ash let go and fell several miles.
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Part 10: Assassination Attempt
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"WHAAA!" Jim dove to the floor, scattering dust everywhere. 'Jim. your life is shit.'
"DIE! DIE DIE DIE!" The knife embedded itself into the ground next to his head.
He got up and started for the horizon. "MEWTWO YOU STUPID SON OF A--"
The large cat was taking this opportunity to steal several apples. "I hear nothing. I hear nothing." Mewtwo grinned as he picked up a particularly large one. "Mmmm."
"AAAH! AAAH!" She was getting closer. she had him by the collar now.
*CRUNCH*
Jim slowly opened his eyes. One. then the other. "What the.?"
The mangled remains of the hapless Team Rocket member were covered up by. someone familiar. Through a bizarre, totally unexpected plot-twist, Ash groaned. "Hello, mother. Nice. bathing suit you got there. James has breasts.? Dear. God."
"Hey, Jim, I didn't know you were a hermaphro--"
*Whap*
"Shut the hell up, Bob."
"Sorry."
They all looked up as a Pidgeot landed gracefully next to them. Misty gingerly climbed off and dropped to the ground. "Oops. Sorry about that." She prodded the twitching form of Ash Ketchum with her foot. "Ash? Are you okay?"
"Glk." His eyes glazed over a little.
"I know we're not legal yet, but." She clasped her hands as stars shone in her eyes. "Oh, think of the joy we'll have!"
"Glk." He frowned slightly. 'Note to self: Never listen to the "Stud" half of my psyche again. Never.'
"Ash? Get up." She gripped his arm and pulled him to a position which, at first glance, could be considered to be upright. Unfortunately, this was not the case. "Ugh. We're going to have to work on your posture." She glanced at the staring duo of Jim and Bob. "Oh, it's you again. What are you doing here?"
"Um." Jim kicked at the ground nervously. "Well, I was attacked by a madwoman with a knife. And before that, Santa Claus tried to bump me of."
She looked at him skeptically. "Sure."
"Hey, I'm serious!" He turned and hit his brother on the head. "Bob, tell her I'm serious."
"I'm a pony!" Bob began dancing around happily.
"Bob! Calm yourself!"
"Whee!"
"Never mind. Well, good luck on the wedding." He waved at her, then grabbed his brother by the arm and walked off. 'Good God. What is the world coming to. Ash and Misty getting married.' Then he gripped Bob by the shoulders. "Bob, do you know what this means??!"
"McDonalds will have those cool toys again?" Bob grinned hopefully. "In celebration?"
Jim paused. "Yes. they probably will. but that's not what I mean."
"Burger King?"
"Dammit, look at the big picture!"
"The author is breaking the law?"
"What auth- Bob, I told you to stop with that 'We're in a bad fan-fic' shit. That's not what I mean." He let go. "What I mean is- at least 50 people will try to fuck up that wedding!"
"50?"
"Well, fine. More than that. How many Team Rocket members are there? Mew?"
'You mean the ones we haven't killed?'
"Killed? What do you mean, 'killed?'"
'Never mind.' Mew began counting before it realized it didn't have a large amount of fingers. 'About. 6000? My estimate, of course.'
"Six. thousand??!"
'Well, yes, those bastards keep popping up. They breed like rabbits.'
Mewtwo interjected. 'Some of my best friends are rabbits!'
"Shut up, you don't have friends." Jim rubbed his chin contemplatively. "That means that at least 6000 people will be at that wedding, just to try and ruin it for some obscure reason that only they know. Chances are, they will assume that there will be Pokemon there and hatch some half-assed scheme to get them."
'So?'
"So it's simple. The fact that all of them will be there-" He smiled devilishly. "-Means that they won't be around to bother us!"
'Jim, they're getting married in 4 years, minimum.'
"WHA-AT!"
'You need to be at least 18.'
"SHIT! I KNEW I forgot SOMETHING!" He kicked the ground. "Dammit! So close!"
"."
'.'
'.' They all stared at him.
He reddened and glared back. "Well, sorry, but I'm a little pissed lately. I mean, people keep trying to kill me!"
'Sure.'
"Well, anyway, let's get some food."
'Food! Food!'
"Shut up, Mewtwo."
They walked off.