Jack Staik wrote:
The fic I've been reading since part 1 so I might as well get around to
C&Cing the damn thing.
She hadn't had a decent bite of food since yesterday, thanks
to her evil, greedy glutton of a sensei. And she knew that
if she tried to get as much as one extra bite - and he knew
about it - he'd eat it just to spite her!
I see Ranma is following well in the footsteps of Genma.
Carefully, she sat down and began assembling what in another
land would be known as a 'Dagwood'; a sandwich containing
virtually everything that could go into a sandwich, and
several things that had no business being in there. When the
towering, leaning monstrosity was finished, she began
ripping into it in a fashion that would make the cast of
'Slayers' complain of her bad table manners.
AKA Goku
Akane's eyes rolled. Her baka father was crying again. First
he shirked on her training, then he treated her like a little girl, then he started blubbering like a baby over the
least little thing. <What a weenie,> she thought.
I sense foreshadowing. And no it has nothing to do with the fact that
I've already read the chapter.
Genma gave an evil chuckle. "That last part can't be *too*
bad, Tendo. She's sixteen *and* she's attractive *and* she's
a gymnast - the wedding night alone might make it worth it!"
Alan Harnum quotes anyone?
"EVEN IF IT WOULD BE REALLY REALLY GREAT SEX!!"
comma between the really's and laugh.
"Blame the Master's Touched Soul Technique," Soun mumbled.
"Ever since that horrible night, I haven't been able to
control my tears - or my rages."
"Yes - a truly nightmarish thing," Genma agreed. "But
amazingly useful. If my baka son would teach it to your
Akane, her injury would be irrelevant. She would win the
match easily!"
Ooh boy. This is about as sublte as a charging rhino.
Akane stopped eating in mid-bite. A special technique that
would allow her to win the match, despite her injury??
"No, Saotome! My delicate little girl is far too fragile for
such a horror!"
Again, see sublety comments.
"Here you go, kareshi," she said, tossing over her last
three cards.
While I've completely forgotten what Kareshi means, I think I can figure
it out reasonably well from context.
Nefarious Beast of Hell, right?
Nabiki wondered how so many muscles could ripple all at once
like that.
Ranma has wild talent at being a stud.
Ranma wondered why Nabiki was staring like that.
Ranma also has wild talent at being oblivious.
Nabiki pulled a small envelope out of her pocket. "I made it
from a lock of your hair - 'seven hairs from a warrior'.
According to the book, if I tied the knots right, it should
make good things happen to me."
Seems slightly unlike Nabs to have that hobby, but I can well believe
it.
"Just a couple of days ago - I found this really old book on
folk magic. *Really* old - it has a printing date of 1885."
Wonder what the Amazons would say about that?
"Hey! I wasn't doin' nothin'!" Ranma protested.
Ranma would say that on his wedding night. He would probably not be
lying either.
"He called it 'the Touched Soul'."
This reminds me of the Deft Touch. And a whole bunch of others. Also
very tyical for Akane, she seeks an easy way to become a master.
"STOP!" he commanded.
Akane skidded to a halt.
Nabiki sat up in shock. That voice ... so commanding, so
powerful ... she could feel her chest ache. She didn't even
know he had a voice like that!
(For that matter, neither had Ranma, who was as surprised
as anyone.)
But he hid it better, right?
He turned her around. "Akane ... teishi ... don't. Genma
will teach you, but he'll just jump into it. Let me explain
it - as much as I can. After that, I don't think you'll be
that eager to try."
"And if I am?"
I still won't treach you, but I will hospitalize Genma till after the
match so he can't teach you either.
Fine! I'll get someone else!
Ranma smiled evilly and produced a large club.
"Because," Ranma explained, "The Touched Soul is one of the
most traumatic events a living creature can experience. Most
people who attempt it die."
Akane and Nabiki both became very still.
"And most of those who don't die become ... insane."
"What about you?" Akane said. "You're not dead or insane."
The hell I'm not! You ever read IMBS?
"I was damned lucky," he said, his eyes squeezed shut at a
painful memory. "But I've had nightmares ever since. I wake
up in terror three or four times a night. Every night."
Eww.
Both Akane and Nabiki felt their heart go out in sympathy.
Typical, typical.
"If I don't," Akane said softly, "the dojo and the School
will be disgraced, a dishonorable bitch will humiliate my
classmates and my family, and a lunatic will have free rein
to persue my father." She looked up into his eyes. "The Arts
involves sacrifice. And risk. I didn't really appreciate
that until you came along." Akane got up. "If you don't want to, I'll go get Genma."
The fact that there are multiple other methods of winning never catches
her mind. The realization that Ranma, her sensei, probably knows half a
dozen strategies for fighting with an injured leg also never strikes
her. One of the major things I can't stand about Akane is once she sets
her mind on something, she seems to never look at alternatives.
Ranma put a hand on her shoulder. "No. I'll do it." He
turned to Nabiki. "Biki-chan, call Doctor Tofu. Tell him to
bring his emergency bag." He turned back to Akane. "I'll get
ready. Join me in the dojo in a half-hour."
Come naked.
"If not me, then she'll go to Oyaji," he said coldly. "And
he won't stop. He'll complete it no matter what, even if she
dies or has her mind destroyed. I can stop before then, give
her the option to not continue."
Like anyone actually believes she will.
Tofu nodded. Then he got off the dojo floor where Ranma sat,
and went to see Akane. Perhaps he could still talk some
sense into the girl ...
I think a period would serve better than an ellipse.
"Daddy trained in it, and he seems alright."
Here comes door number 1
Soun dashed up and grabbed Akane around the waist.
"WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! My daughter said something nice about me
on her last night on Earth!! WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"
"Besides, all you know about it is hearsay," Akane said.
"You know how stories exaggerate."
Seems kind of rude for Akane. She always treats Tofu with quite a bit of
respect. I recomend "All you know might be..."
"Actually, I was trained in the manner of the Touched Soul,"
he said.
"Well, *you* don't seem affected."
Here comes Door number 2
It was time.
you know, Akane hater that I am, I kinda feel sorry for her. Maybe,
hopefully, this will teach her that you should always look for
alternatives, just to have other options.
Akane proceeded to the dojo, nervous as hell. The build-up
to this had terrified her.
Gee, not that that was the intention of the author or anything.
The light came from Ranma Saotome, sitting in lotus position
on the floor, emitting a radiant blue aura. She'd swear he
was hovering above the floor, but that was probably just a
trick of the light.
Ri-ight.
The inhuman cry of torment from the dojo made her blood
freeze.
Kasumi looked stricken, as if she wanted to cry and faint at
the same time.
Soun simply put his hands over his ears and curled up in a
fetal position.
By the dojo door, Doctor Tofu openly wept.
Genma grimaced, and poured himself another cup of tea.
And all the neighbors immediately reached for the phone to call the
emergency services. They stopped halfay through 911. 'Wait, it's the
Tendo's. Must be a martial artist thing.'
Akane got back into lotus position and held her palms toward
him.
Intersting scene.
"Let me show you ..."
Interesting little creshendo of Akane's horneyness factor.
<Oh gods, I *am* in love with him.>
Fear gripped her.
Ain't having your illusions shattered a bitch?
<Ranma said he suffered from chronic nightmares,> she
thought, <Is he having one now?>
"Please," he whispered, his voice the voice of a small
child. "don't leave me, daddy. Please. I'll be good - I
won't cry anymore - don't leave me - I don't want to be
alone -"
I'll take that as a yes.
"ENOUGH OF THESE LOVER'S GAMES, ONO-CHAN!!" Akane sang, her arms and legs wrapped round the doctor's torso. "WE HAVE A
WILD, BURNING PASSION TO CONSUMMATE!! GIVE IN TO THE FIRE IN
YOUR THROBBING LOINS!! TAKE ME!! NOW!!"
Umm. Akane seems mildly OOC. In can't imagine why.
Nabiki chuckled. She could just imagine how the Blue Hentai
would react to Akane behaving like this.
I could, but I won't say it.
He squealed like a little girl, shuddered violently, then
fainted.
More like a little piggy.
Nice stuff. I think you handled the moods of that quite nicely.