"Hey, guys, we're on!" Jed shouted to his two cohorts. Hikaru
Gosunkugi leapt up from the couch, his owl-eyes getting impossibly wider.
"You mean it?" he asked incredulously. "We have fanfic..."
"DON'T SAY IT!" Jed shouted. "This ain't a Megane MST!"
"What's all the commotion?" asked a voice from the bathroom.
"We got a fic, Ken!" Gosunkugi exclaimed toward the closed door.
"Get movin'!"
"Hold on!" Jed and Hikaru waited patiently as the sound of rustling
fabric came from behind the door. After a few moments, Ken squeezed his
frame through the doorway, the sports section of the News & Observer tucked
away under an arm.
"Jed, you have GOT to get a larger bathroom," Ken groused as he
sprayed a can of potpourri into the tiny room.
"The hell was taking you so long?"
"I wanted to catch the scores from last night's game," Ken commented
as he shut the door.
"Uh-huh, yeah, whatever..." Gosunkugi snickered just before Ken's
hand squeezed around his throat.
"What was that, Spider-geek?"
"Guys? Can we please get down to business?" Jed asked. "I don't want
to spend all night on an introduction." Ken placed Gosunkugi back on the
floor, shooting Jed a patented Look Of Doom (tm) Jed merely gulped at the
prospect of having his head turn into an explosive before moving to the fridge.
"What's on the agenda?" Gosunkugi asked as Jed brought out the
twelve pack.
"A Ranma spamfic by Quicksilver Light."
"Sounds familiar..."
"Well, I've never read his stuff before, so maybe it won't be that bad."
"You do know what happens when you say things like that," Ken warned.
"Yeah, don't remind me." Jed shuddered as Kanashii No Imi came to mind.
============================================
The three sat in the spacious dark room, staring intently at the
screen on which the new fanfic would play. Jed popped open his first beer,
Gosunkugi nearly half-done with his.
The screen flared to life, and the fanfic began...
Again, I'm ba-ack....
Jed: Is this a good thing, or a bad thing?
Ken: With a tone like that, it can't be good...
Quicksilver's Quill Offers:
Razors, Pills and Other Methods of Suicide
Hikaru: Oh, THAT'S a cheery title...
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
standard disclaimers
Ken: Standard Disclaimers?
Jed <commercial announcer's voice>: Standard Disclamers,
Incorporated, saving the fanfic author's ass since 1994.
NOTE: A kind of spoof, my apology to all theKonatsu fans I've offended in
the past...
Jed: Any Konatsu fans here?
<Crickets chirp in the background>
So you're a fanfic fan. My name is Kuonji Ukyou. I'm sure, by now, you
know me, so I'll spare you the introduction speech.
Hikaru: Thank God.
Leaving so soon?
Ken <half out of his chair>: What does it look like?
Do me a favor, then. If you catch Ranchan, tell him I'm looking for him.
You're snickering. Why?
Hikaru: I'm not snickering.
Jed: There's nothing funny about this so far.
I'm WHAT?!
Jed: No, he's on second.
Ken <menacing look>: Don't even go there, Jed...
I don't think so. Get back here, and SIT DOWN!
All: Whoa!
Hikaru: Damn, she caught us...
Now, let me know where you ever got that idea?
Ken: What idea?
Jed: The idea for this fic?
Hikaru: Wasn't mine.
Honestly, like I would WANT to marry him. I mean, he's... he's... my best
friend.
Jed <choking on his beer>: WHAT?! <cough, cough>
Hikaru: That's a new one on me.
Ken: Can you say "Fanfic Cliche"? Sure. I knew you could.
Why can't anyone believe a guy and girl can be just friends?
Jed & Hikaru: Uh-huh-huh-huh....
Everyone's determined that they're sleeping together or something equally
disgusting.
Jed: Everyone's determined that who's sleeping together?
Ken: Shouldn't that be "we're sleeping together"?
Jed: Ken... I'm not even gonna go there...
Hikaru: If it's so disgusting, how do ya explain the human race? Or
Lemon fanfics?
The very idea gives me shudders- it'd be like sleeping with my own brother!
Hikaru: She's been reading "Super Taboo", hasn't she?
Ken: "Gives me shudders?" Not the best way to put that.
Jed: "Makes me shudder" would fit better, really.
You actually believe that stuff you read? Please excuse me- I'm laughing
so hard that I need a glass of water.
All: ???
Jed: Um... if she's laughing that hard, how is she talking?
Hikaru: Maybe Ukyo's a ventriloquist...
Jed: Where's her dummy?
Ken: She stopped using them when she found Tsubasa disguised as one.
Jed & Hikaru: Ewwww.......
Ok, I'm back. You, honey, need some clarification. And maybe a few good
whacks upside the head- since you're not a martial artist, I guess I'll just
have to make do with one of my smaller spatulas.
Ken: AHEM! I only happen to be the Fist of the North Star, here!
SIT RIGHT BACK DOWN!
Jed: Damn...
That was a joke- don't you have any sense of humor? You go ahead and ask
questions, and I'll do my best to answer them- just remember, my opinion
isn't entirely unbiased.
Hikaru: No shit, really?
Ken: I couldn't tell...
Ranma? My former fiancee- our parents betrothed us when we were about six.
Then Genma (stupid man that he was) ditches me and takes off with my dowry!
Jed: FORMER fiancee? When'd she give up?
Hikaru: I didn't know hell froze over.
Can you imagine?! Well, Ranma himself is a lot more honorable then his
father- wonder where he got it from.
Hikaru: The back of a Cap'n Crunch box?
Ken: She seems to be forgetting the Yoiko incident...
His mother is an odd unit, if you get my drift. Ranma himself is
chavaunistic and prideful, but underneath, he's got a heart of gold. Just
doesn't show it very often.
Jed: He just never finds the time to take it out of the jewelry box.
Ken: Don't make me hurt you....
His curse? Well, that's real. For a while I thought he was just a
cross dresser, but that wasn't true. Needless to say, that was the last
straw for me. I am a hundred-percent woman, and there is NO WAY I'm going
to be engaged to a guy who has a figure better then mine, even if it's only
for half the time. Besides, about that time I met Konatsu.
Hikaru: There go the dreams of the Ukyo Hentai Fan Club...
Konatsu?
All: Bless you!
Stop shuddering. You're not one of my fan-boys, are you?
Jed <hiding the Ukyo paraphenalia>: Um, nope!
Thanks to this whole fanfic community, I've got a reputation of being a
psycho, suicidal, a martyr or a saint. Sorry, honey, but I'm not any of
those.
HIkaru: Damn fanfic authors.
Jed: That's the thanks I get for giving you the starring role in
Amazing Spiderman?
Ken: Don't see many Fist of the North Star fics out there...
And 'Natsu-chan is as very nice person- I think we might get married,
someday. I have nothing against cross-dressing- remember, I do it myself
from time to time.
Hikaru: Oohhh.... kinky!
Jed: Hikaru....
This suicide thing, though, simply has to stop! First thiung, I don't own
Ken: What's a thiung?
a gun. Why would I need one? I am a master of the Kounji School of
Okonomiyaki Martial Arts. Seems that small fact doesn't come up very
often- remember, when I met Genma, I managed to trounce him. I am quite
capable of taking care of myself. You're making me wander off subject,
jackass!
Jed: What'd I do?
Hikaru: Besides, how on earth could a girl like you score a gun in
Japan?
My point was that since I don't own a gun, those cute scenes of me and a
bullet through the brain just aren't there!
Ken: Sure they are. Just read an Ukyo darkfic, you'll probably see
one or two.
Let's see. Razors? Pills? Please! Like I'd be that stupid! If I WAS
going to kill myself, it would be in a quick way- maybe I'd challenge a
certain Amazon to a battle.
Hikaru:Um, Razors and pills CAN be rather quick. Painless, even.
Jed: Beats the old self-disembowelment bit.
Even if I won, I'd end up getting the kiss of death. It'd be an honorable
way to die- and since I'm a martial artist, honor's important. Or do I need
remind you about that damned cart? But I wouldn't want to give that hussy
the satisfaction of killing me.
Ken: Actually, sepukku IS a way for the Japanese to regain or
preserve their honor.
Ok, I've eliminated the more common methods of ditching Ukyou. And no, I'm
not going to dive in front of a car or train anytime soon.
Jed: Um, is this Ukyo talking, or the author?
Ken: Does it really matter?
I just wonder why everyone seems to want me dead.
Jed: Just because you're paranoid....
I'm a lot cuter then any of the other fiancees (not that I consider myself
one anymore) and a lot nicer, too.
All <cough>: Cliche! Cliche!
Nice as I am, though, I am getting EXTREMELY TIRED of being
knocked off. I swear, the next fanfic writer who tries to kill me is gonna
get killed himself.
Jed: Um, ain't that kinda harsh?
Hikaru: Do I smell a revengefic coming on, here?
Wait a sec. Why are you glancing at the door? What's that paper you have
behind your back? Hmm... interesting read. One thing I want to know- do
you prefer red roses or black ones for your casket? I have a few
aquantainces who'll give me a good deal. Sorry, sugar- you've just written
yourself into a corner...
Hikaru: Man, I KNEW this wouldn't have a happy ending.
THE END
"So, now for some mroe constructive criticism," Jed yawned after the
text faded and the lights came up.
"Aw, do we have to?" Hikaru whined.
"Can't spend the whole time ripping the fic, can we?" Ken replied.
"Okay. There weren't many spelling or grammar mistakes, which is
good. The formatting needed a little work, however.
"Next is the characterization. I can understand Ukyo's take on Genma
and Nodoka, but her take on Ranma just isn't right."
"First off," Gosunkugi said, "Ranma is not her best friend. Ranma
more or less sees her as a free lunch, while Ukyo is obsessed over him."
"Aren't you a little biased?" Jed asked.
"Anyway, this more or less seemed to be a parody of Revengefics and
fanfic cliches that was loosely based on another cliche," Ken said. "All in
all, it just didn't work."
"Now don't take this personally, Quicksiler," Jed said, "as an
author, I know it can be tough to get a bad C&C, or even a MST. However,
don't let this discourage you."
Hikaru then joined in, "Take our opinions with a grain of salt. We
didn't do this to be mean."
"Now that it's over, can we get out?" Ken asked, "the game's on
tonight."
"Yeah. See ya next time!"
Jed