Heya, C&C'ing again. ^_^ Random comments when things
strike me, as usual.
Gie, can you send me a copy of the prologue again? I lost my
copy... I kinda overwrote it when I was C&C'ing it.
General Comments:
WAHAHAHAhAhahAhahAhaah ::choke choke splutter:: Great! Love
the plot so far. Some of the speech patterns are off, like
Akane towards the end, and Ukyo when she was talking to
Xanatos... but otherwise, great.
*puts on SCUBA gear and dives into the story*
Ranma, Akane, Ukyou and Ryouga arrived at Jusenkyo
International Airport later that afternoon. As they were
getting off the plane, Ryouga ran ahead and several people
tried to cover up their snickers. Ranma called out as Ryouga
ran past him, �Hey Ryouga, who�d think that after all the
traveling around you do, you would be the one that gets
airsick! That�s rich.�
�Stop picking on Ryouga, Ranma. He can�t help it!�
Akane scowled at Ranma and jogged to catch up with Ryouga to
see if he needed any help.
I hope this'll either be a one off bit of friction, a
start of a small rough time for them, or you're gonna
revise the prologue. ^_^
Another pair also left the hangar the same time the
Nerima 4 left. David Xanatos and his assistant Owen Burnett
Avoid using numerals, when a typed word will do. The
Nerima 4 sounds like a team... hehe. Sorta like "Team 7".
As for Owen... heh. Garg Fanfic convention also calls him a
'major domo', but that's for later if you want to describe
what he does again.
The blond majordomo frowned and looked around. �He said
kinda like now. -_-; This'll teach me to speak too soon.
*l*
he would be waiting in the parking lot, with his vehicle, to
take us to the springs, Mr. Xanatos. He should be around
here somewhere.� Owen pointed in a direction. �Ah, sir, I
believe that is he over there.� And sure enough, standing by
'believe that is him over there.'
an old beat-up Army jeep, was the Jusenkyian holding a sign
that read �Xanatos.�
ex-Army (US Army?) Jeep, was the Jusenkyo Guide, holding a
sign written in rough scrawl reading 'Xanatos'.
The guide noticed the tall gajiins and waved in their
'tall foreigners' Gaijin is Japanese. Mr Guide person is
Chinese. ^_^ oh, and it _is_ 'Gaijin', not 'Gaijins' As
far as I know there are no plurals in Japanese
direction. �Honorable sirs, you Zan-A-Toes?� Xanatos rolled
his eyes, coughed and nodded. �Good, good. Let me help
*grin* Xanatos does not roll his eyes. He's too cool for
that. This is just my opinion here though. Besides,
he'd smirk, and 'Zan-a-toes' is pretty close... ^_~
passed the Americans, Owen looked up and barelyt avoided
typo... 'barely'
running into Ranma.
�Excuse me.�
�I�m sorry�
Ranma or Ryoga didn't notice the Guide? They MUST have
been distracted. :�
They nodded at each other and continued on their way.
Ranma concentrated on his sulking, and thought to
himself. �Why is Akane being so nice to Ryouga? It�s not
like he�s never been sick before. <scowl> Why is she
'He frowned.' You used scowl before with Akane, and
<scowl> is more appropriate in chat. ^_~
fussing over him? It�s not like she�s his fiancee. Why am I
obsessing over this? We both sort of admitted there was
'AAAAARRRGH! Why am I obsessing over this?' Or something
like that. Shows some frustration on his part.
coming to his lips. �Man, she�s really gotten to me! All
she has to do is smile that smile and I�m a puddle of putty.
'all she has to do is gimme that smile' Again, personal
preference. ^_^;
Oh, but what a smile...� Ranma was awoken from his dream of
Akane in a field of flowers smiling at him when Ukyou
clobbered him over the head with her spatula.
�Ranma, Ranma! Haven�t you been listening to what I said
for the past five minutes? What�s going through that thick
skull of yours?�
WAHAHAAHAHAHHAA! That was cool.
�Okay, let�s get going. We want to make it there before
sunset, right?�
This is called forshadowing folks.... or at least I hope
so. ^_^;;
Just as the Nerima 4 got off the convenient shuttle, the
Guide, Xanatos and Owen were getting out of the jeep. The
groups looked at each other in surprise, nodded and bowed in
Xanatos and Owen wouldn't bat an eyelid... well Owen might
raise an eyebrow in curiosity seeing as he bumped into
Ranma before. And the Nerimans - most of them didn't see
Xanatos and Owen... heh,
greeting to each other, and followed the Guide into the hut.
Plum greeted each of them and offered them some tea while her
father handed out some papers.
�These papers are release forms that need to be signed.
They basically say you hold your life in your hands and will
not sue or hold me or my father, the Guide, responsible for
*puts on Lawyer suit* 'you will not sue, maim, or
otherwise hold me or my father, the Guide, responsible'
environments. Plus, we were in the area and thought it would
be an interesting stop on our trip.�
Famous last words. *l* You may want to isolate that
statement to highlight it. Have Xanatos pause for effect
and sort of say it flippantly/casually. ^_^;
so I will allow your passage through Jusenkyo. Ranma and
company have been here before and know the true dangers of
'Ranma and his friends' my opinion again. ^_^;
father or me the entire time while in the Springs area. This
is for your own safety. I can not stress that enough.�
and sanity. *l*
Ranma made a sickly face. �Yes, I do. I fell into
Nyannichuan, or drowned girl spring.�
I'd think Ranma would be embarrassed or reluctant to show
a complete stranger.
Yanno, I just realised that Nabiki would be insanely
jealous when she hears that they met the richest man in
the world. *l*
�What happened to the spring, Mr. Guide?� Akane asked.
�Where did it go?�
What _is_ the guide's name? *l*
*creativity demon strikes*
"What happened to the spring, Mr Guide?" Akane
blinked.
"er... what _is_ your name?"
The guide scratched his head. "I don't remember."
Mass facefault ensues.
*creativity demon leaves*
*grin* Sorry, ignore that.
The Guide thought for a minute, and replied, �Spring
'and faked an answer.' We already know he doesn't know
why it disappeared.
down at his wet, cold, MALE body. �Woohoo! It worked! I am
finally a whole male again! No more Ranko! No more Kuno
groping me! I�m free at last. Thank God, I�m free at last!�
Amen to that my brother! *l* Ain't that on Martin Luther
King's tombstone?
While Ranma bounced around in joyous celebration, and
Ukyou and Akane watched, Ryouga started thinking. �That
means the pig is gone too! That means I can eat bacon for
breakfast again!� Wherein, he started to run towards Akane
Hah? Why would this change?
direction from him. In her urgency to get away, she tripped
over a root and started to fall into a nearby spring.
Akane screamed.
*dramatic music* dum dum DUM!
spring. He was too late. Not only did Akane fall into the
water, but Ranma also fell in right after her.
*lol* GREAT!
tears, a gasping breath came from the once lifeless body of
Akane. �Oh my God...Akane! You�re alive! Thank God!�
'the nearly drowned Akane', my opinion again. *thinks*
yet another Akanenichuan? *l*
realized he was crushing her, and released his
grip enough to bring her face to face with him. �I was so
scared of losing you, Akane. Please don�t leave me.�
'Please, don't DO that again!"'
down for a crushing kiss that surprised Ranma tremendously.
Akane deepened the kiss and enjoyed just being with Ranma, >
alive.
You used 'crushing' before to describe ranma's hug. for
variety use another word.
grimace. �Excuse me, guys. Hello? There are others
present.� Ranma and Akane broke their kiss and blushed
'others present." she said testily.' opinion again. ^_^;;
The Guide snapped out of his trance and was relieved that
he could contribute something important. �Oh poor guests!
How very, very tragic! You both fell into Gaagoirniichuan,
or spring of drowned gargoyle. About 1200 years ago, a
gargoyle fell into that spring. Funny, spring not seen for
long time. This special spring, though. Curse permanent.�
o.O;
'This special spring. Very Tragic. Curse permanent.'
my opinion again. ^_^;;;
Akane and Ranma backed away from each other and truly
looked at one another.
�Permanent?�
They looked up into each other�s face and fainted.
'They looked into each other's faces and finally the
changes that they'd taken on registered. They fainted.'
IMO again. hehehe.
In any case, I wasn't expecting this for some reason.
ehehe.
�I guess,� Ranma shrugged. �It makes sense. Hey, look
at your tail. Heh, I shoulda guessed.�
Akane reached for her tail. It was long and thin, like
Ranma�s, but instead of an arrowhead for a tip, she had a
hammerhead on the end.
^_^;; heh. hammer.
over to Ranma to see what was wrong. Ukyou, noticing that
Akane got there first, backed off and let Akane handle the >
situation.
Why would she back off?
�I guess the switching of physiology between human and
gargoyle is just too painful.�
Explain Ryouga etc... ^_^;
every time I want to revert to human form. What are we going
to do, Ranma?�
'revert to normal' so in their minds, they are in an alien
body.
�You are correct. I have had personal experience with
the gargoyles in New York. They, in fact, live with me at my
castle. Castle Wyvern, on top of the Aerie Building.�
"In fact, I host them at their ancestral home on my
corporate Headquarters... you may have heard of it."
(IMO again)
�When they are in a battle mode. Their eyes will light
'Combat or angered.' Battle mode sounds.. cheesy
Would you want to meet them? I can arrange to have them meet
you in Nerima tomorrow night.�
How did Xanatos know where they were from?
�That should be no problem. But, as Owen warned you
earlier, it is almost sunrise and it is time for you to go to
stone. I would like to offer my services and give the four
'go to sleep.' or 'turn to stone.'
Ukyou looked at the jet. �Xanatos Enterprises...Now I
remember where I have heard that name before. You�re one of
the richest men in the world, aren�t you?�
Xanatos turned to Ukyou and bowed. �You are right, my
fair lady. I do have a rather large bank account.� He
winked at her. �I try not to let that get in my way.�
Now THAT, my friends, is Xanatos at his most charming. ;D
And that's all for now. ^_^
Catch Ya!
Damocles (damocles@fanartists.com)
the NEXUS - http://www.bluep.com/~modesto
Gargoyles Fan Artists Guild - http://www.bluep.com/~modesto/garg-artists
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