In "Readheads", Kenjiko uses the phrase "crazy kicky people".
Well, a funny thing happened to me yesterday.
A very interesting way of opening up this story. I must say, that's probably
the oldest opener in the book, but indeed, a classic none the less. I do
find it quite lacking, and it could use a little bit more to grab the
reader's attention. Also, you misspelled 'redheads'.
As some of you may know, I'm a computer consultant. I work for
a database company, and most of my work is Making Things Go Faster,
Better. It's a very serious thing, people spend Big Money, and
I have to be very professional.
Now, I don't recall there ever being any predecessor stories to this, so I
don't exactly know how anyone would know that the main character is a
computer consultant. But this line does give a reader's digest idea on what
the main character's occupation and job duties are. Again, could use some
embelishment, but adequate.
I had a meeting yesterday afternoon with a client in which we
decided upon... well, never mind. They're doing something major
Very good. Getting right to the point. There are some times where the phrase
'less means more' holds true.
and I'd been called in to help with the planning. But it so
happened that the same client had urgently called Tech Support.
They'd had a database crash, and the symptoms were strange in
the extreme. Much headscratching ensued within Tech Support,
and then Somebody mentioned that I was due to visit these people
that very afternoon. So I was briefed in on the problem.
You leave the reader curious as to what these 'extremely strange' symtoms
are. Suspense is a good thing, but I don't think you exploited it properly
enough in this paragraph.
So no shit, there I was, and we were waiting to start our meeting.
I was talking with the site's DBA, all dressed up in my best suit,
looking very imposing and professional... and I said, "So, Tim,
I hear you've been having some strange crashy problems this
morning?"
You used the acronym DBA, and most people don't know what a DBA is. It's
usually useful to spell out the full title, and then abreiviate it from that
point on. We could also use a more detailed on just what the main character
is wearing. For all we know, that character's best suit could be a hawaiian
shirt. :) Assuming that this person is a computer programmer and probably
gets little sleep, it's probably either a Compaq shirt with coffee stains,
or a dress shirt with a scotchguarded pocket protector, also with coffee
stains.
As I watched his eyes widen and some very unusual expressions
flicker across his face - you know, time stretched - I cursed my
Good description. However, there's very little dialogue. This is a critical
flaw that I've noticed so far.
loose tongue and reflected briefly on Kenjiko and his writing,
and briefly evaluated "crash recovery" strategies for the
conversation. Then Tim smiled and said, "Yes, we have been
having some strange... crashy problems..." and he filled me in
and we discussed the problem in more detail.
Ah. Dialogue at last. But still no reference to just what the problem is.
Again, more suspense, but your delivery is all wrong, and the effect seems
lost.
After the fact, I got to thinking about the event, and the FFML,
and eventually decided that Kenjiko isn't a person at all.
(Sorry, Robert.) He's a virus... a memetic virus.
Hmm. Are we to assume that the problem the database system has was a memetic
virus?
A meme is an idea, a parcel of thought. A memetic virus is an
idea that propogates itself throughout a society.
That indeed would be a strange symtom for a database server to have, but how
would it cause harm to the point where it would cease to function? There are
many unanswered questions and holes in this story. You may want to go over
and do a little rewriting.
Which brings us to Kenjiko. I greatly enjoy his writing - and
his stories - but for all that he's only one person.
But his effect has been disproportionate. He has almost single-
handedly managed to inspire the re-introduction of humour as a
major thread in fanfic writing - sometimes through imitation,
sometimes through inspiration; sometimes, I think, simply through
making people laugh.
Indeed, we come to the moral of the story. This is not lost on the reader,
and I would wholeheartedly agree with this conclusion. Although your story
is a tad bit lacking, the message is conveyed clearly. In the end, I suppose
that's what really matters.
There are other memetic virii at work in the fanfic community.
These are also known as "fanfic conventions", and mostly seem
to gather around the source stories with the most mindshare
(i.e. Ranma). Akane-as-violent-maniac, Cologne-as-evil-plotter,
Shampoo-as-drug-baroness... these are all memetic virii, and
less beneficial than the Kenjiko virus.
If all of those other memetic virii have such a contagious exposure, has the
main character been contaminated with any of these virii as well? What will
become of this main character? Is there a cure? Does he want a cure?
At the cost of a brief moment of awkwardness, I made somebody
smile and incidentally passed on a meme. I wonder how long it
will be before I start hearing about "crashy stuff" from other
people. The construct is appealing and cute, and like the very
best memetic virii, it worms its way into your consciousness
without you noticing until it's too late.
And thus, we come to the conclusion of this story. It's not entirely without
promise, and it contains mostly comedic value, which I believe is what the
writer intended. I don't see this as a potential award winner, but it was a
fulfilling and worthy read none-the-less.
But let me also acknowledge the originator of the virus, Kenjiko
himself. I strongly believe he has been a major positive influence,
and long may he continue.
Very good. Showing respect to the people who influenced you in the creation
of this story is quite honorable and respectful. Indeed, there is hope for
you as a writer.
In conclusion, I'm getting the slight hint that this story might have been a
self insert. However, you at least didn't embelish the main character (you?)
as the greatest at everything you do, and kept everything on the grounds of
reality, and thus is quite an accomplishment for self-insert fics as a
whole.
Indeed, this story does show promise, and it does need a little work, but on
the whole it's quite fulfilling. It was an enjoyable read, and I simply
couldn't resist C&Cing it. <grin>
-Troy