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Ranma 1/2: Another Approach
Part 12
By Jack Staik, Bookkeeper-At-Arms
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A hundred thousand flyers took less time to print than
Sasuke figured, and soon a small airplane was buzzing the
Nerima district, dropping them in the streets.
One pass took the plane over the Tendo residence, and Nabiki
reached out her window and snagged one. Reading it, her eyes
went wide.
"Oh crap!" she cried.
* * * * * * * * * *
Soun, Genma, Ryoga, Ranma, and Akane all read the flyer:
THIS WEEKEND!!
Attend the Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics match
at St Hebreke Girls School!
See the Heirs of the Kakuto Shintaiso and the
Musabetsu Kakuto Ryu duel for supremacy as true
martial artists! See the fighting skills of two
martial arts schools be put to the test, to see
which is the superior art!
To the victors, glory!
To the losers, DEATH!
"So," Soun said, "Now it's a matter of the honor of our dojo
- and the reputation of the School of Anything-Goes."
"It was just a dumb school match!" Akane protested. "Why did
she have to drag the honor of the School into it?"
"It doesn't matter," Genma said. "She did it. Now, if you
lose, you will bring the entire Musabetsu Kakuto Ryu into
disrepute."
"So I won't lose!" Akane said.
"Easier said than done," Ranma replied. "She still has all
the edges. She's at the top of her game, using an Art she's
completely mastered, and with all the dirty tricks in the
world at her fingertips. And you're a newcomer to this Art -
and injured."
"I'll *still* win! After all, I beat up her brother every
day, practically!"
Ryoga snorted. "And I thought *Ranma* was an egotistical
blowhard!"
Akane turned to the Lost Boy. "What. Did. You. Say."
"You heard me," Ryoga continued. "You're going to lose -"
Akane's battle aura flared.
" - and drag your whole school down with you to disgrace -"
The mallet came up.
" - because you're too conceited to -"
<WHAM!!>
Ranma shook his head sadly. "Even when she's injured, he
can't beat her. Sad."
"I ... let ... her ... do ... that ... owie," Ryoga groaned.
* * * * * * * * * *
(The Next Day ...)
Nabiki looked up at Ranma and Akane on the fence, both in
red and black - Ranma in his Chinese clothes, Akane in bike-
pants and a sports halter. (She claimed the color choice was
a coincidence.)
Akane was visibly limping, even as she balanced atop the
fence.
"Leg bothering you, Imouto-chan?"
"Not at all," she said a bit too quickly. "I hardly feel
it."
"Oh, okay," Ranma said, nodding. "So you're just doing an
imitation of a peg-legged sailor to entertain yourself?"
"RANMA NO BAKA!!" she cried, spinning around, the foot on
her injured leg heading for Ranma's head.
Ranma leaned back and caught her ankle in one hand, then
casually flipped her into the air.
Akane did a perfect backwards somersault and landed on her
feet on the fencetop - then she cried out and fell to the
pavement.
Ranma shook his head. "Better get Doc Tofu to look at that."
Akane limped off in a huff.
"You think Akane-chan will be all right, Ranma?" Nabiki
asked.
"I think so," he answered. "If she can keep herself calm,
she'll avoid serious injury."
Nabiki snorted. "Good luck. You've seen her temper."
"It's different when she's training," Ranma said. "You
should see her in the dojo - she becomes really focused."
"Hmmm ..." Nabiki said. "What about you, kareshi?"
"What?"
"You love the action - don't try to deny it. I'll just bet
you're tempted to let 'Ranko' jump in the ring."
Ranma blushed. "Well ... 'Ranko' will be going -"
"Ha! Knew it!"
"- but just as an emergency backup. I won't take Akane's
fight away from her."
"Even if it means the school will be disgraced?"
Ranma looked embarassed. "I'll hold out as long as I can."
He sighed sadly. "But unless something serious happens,
she'll likely lose."
* * * * * * * * * *
Nodoka was worried; her new little pet Kobuta-san (Mister
Piglet) had disappeared. She couldn't find him anywhere. He
had been such a ray of sunshine in her dark and lonely life.
Glancing out her window, she noticed a taxi stopping in
front of her house. Curious, she went to the front door.
Ryoga still couldn't get over the shock of getting someplace
in a reasonable amount of time. Now to get back inside and
become Kobuta-san again before Nodoka noticed he was gone.
Nodoka opened the front door.
"Good afternoon, young man. May I help you?"
"Eep! I ... er ... um ... that is ..." Ryoga answered
suavely.
"Oh my! Your bandana! It looks just like the one my little
piglet wears!"
"YAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Ryoga commented. "I mean - oh, really?"
"You must be his owner!" Nodoka concluded.
"Uh - yeah!" Ryoga agreed. "That's a good story! Sure!"
<WHAP!!> went Nodoka's bokken.
"That's for trying to drown that helpless piglet, you
brute!" she commented, punctating each word with another
whack.
"I didn't!" Ryoga protested, trying to cover himself with
his arms. "I wouldn't do something like that! It was all
that awful Akane's fault! She did it!"
Nodoka stopped. "And who's Akane? Your girlfriend?"
"HA!" Ryoga laughed. "As if I'd want that uncute monster!"
"Then why would she throw your piglet in the canal?"
"It was more of a dropkick -"
"Oh!" Nodoka said. "How horrible! She must be a very cruel
girl!"
"Oh, she is!" Ryoga agreed. "A monster!"
"And you must have come to get your little pet back," Nodoka
said.
"Huh? Oh yes! Yeah! Get my pet back! Heh heh," Ryoga said,
bigsweating.
Nodoka smiled. "Such a nice young man. Sadly, your piglet
seems to have wandered away -"
"Don't worry," Ryoga said confidently. "He's nearby. I can
feel it."
"Well - won't you come inside and have some tea?"
Ryoga's heart soared. A chance to spend time with Nodoka-
chan as a man! "I'd be honored," he said, bowing slightly.
"I'm Ryoga Hibiki."
"And I'm Nodoka Saotome. It's a pleasure to meet you."
<*SAOTOME*?!?> Ryoga's heart stopped beating as his eyes
bugged out. <No no - calm yourself. Saotome's a common name
- it's just a coincidence.>
"Is something the matter?" she asked.
"No - nothing at all."
* * * * * * * * * *
Akane limped up to the gates of the school, a smirk on her
face. Besides her walked a wet and annoyed-looking Ranma-
chan, along with a mildly-chuckling Nabiki.
"Damn old woman - she must be a ninja, I swear I never felt
her come up behind me."
"She didn't 'come up behind you'," Akane commented. "Maybe
you were too busy looking down Nabiki's blouse to notice."
"Yeah, probably - eep! I mean - I didn't! I wasn't!" Ranma-
chan waved her hands in protest. "I'd never do that!"
"So ... you think I'm ugly and undesirable?" Nabiki replied.
"NO!" Ranma-chan cried. "You'e beautiful! It's that-"
"Really?" Nabiki said. "Thanks, Ranma-baby. You're sweet."
She then leaned over and kissed Ranma-chan's cheek.
Ranma-chan was, to say the least, confused.
"If you two don't mind," Akane protested, "We have to get to
school. Or would you two rather just skip school and go to a
love motel?"
"Hey - what a great idea!" Nabiki said. "Imouto-chan, you're
a genius!"
"BWAAAAK!!" Ranma-chan cried, her eyes bugging out.
Ranma-chan's shock became irritation when he saw that Akane
and Nabiki were both laughing. "HEY! It's nothing to joke
about!" she said.
"School," Nabiki said.
Akane immediately got into battle-stance, expecting a horde
of hentais to stampede her.
When said hentais failed to materialize, the three of them
were, to say the least, confused.
Once inside the gates, the Horde of Hentais was easily
located; they were all together, weeping loudly.
"What happened here?" Ranma-chan asked.
One of the hentai's looked up and went over to the small
group.
"Akane Tendo - Ranko Saotome - the entire school has heard
of your passionate romance -"
"NANI?!?" Ranma-chan and Akane said together.
"- and we now realize that we'll never have an opportunity
to date you. We accept your relationship, and will no longer
attempt to woo either of you."
Akane was torn. Part of her was releived that the hentais
wouldn't be trying to beat on her anymore. But another part
of her was really ticked off that the entire school thought
that she was having a lesbian affair with Ranma's imaginary
sister.
Ranma-chan was still trying to figure out what the hell was
going on. Dojos and martial arts challenges are easy; this
'romance' stuff just confused her.
"But fear not, my loves!" cried a tragically-familiar voice.
"Oh no," both Ranma-chan and Akane muttered, turning around
slowly.
"I, the great and noble Tatewaki Kuno, renowned and feared
as the mighty Blue Thunder, shall not rest until both of my
Goddesses are saved from their unnatural desires!"
Suddenly rose petals and valentine-shaped cards rained down
from the sky. "I shall give thee all the love and passion my
vast heart can produce, until the bokken of my love pierces
to the depths of thine femininity and awakens the natural
urges in thy bosoms!"
Ranma-chan turned to Nabiki. "Did he just say what I think
he just said?"
"Yep."
She turned to Akane.
"Let's kill him."
Akane nodded. "Hai, sensei."
The beating was surprisingly short, but amazingly through.
* * * * * * * * *
In class, Akane attracted some stares for her violation of
the dress code. A lot of boys just leered at the skin-
tight apparel until she saw them, then they nursed their
injuries.
One boy was sent to the nurses' office; he told Akane she
looked 'cute' in her new outfit, which caused her to put his
head through his desk.
And all this was before roll call.
"You have got to learn to manage your temper, Teishi," Ranma
commented.
"Hmph!" she replied.
The roll call was orderly, but Ranma looked back when Hikaru
Gosunkugi answered 'Here!'
"Don't go anywhere," he whispered.
Gosunkugi spent the entire class bigsweating.
When the teacher left, Gosunkugi tried to leave. Suddenly,
Ranma was in front of him.
"I wanna talk to you," Ranma said in a low voice.
"Oh boy!" someone cried, "Gosunkugi's gonna get creamed!"
"What about, Saotome?" he said, trying to sound as
nonchalant as possible while his knees knocked together.
"Certain photographs," Ranma answered, "And somebody telling
Kuno that a certain girl was interested in him."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Gosunkugi
answered, pulling out a hankerchief to wipe the sweat from
his forehead - inadvertently letting several photos fall
from his pocket.
"NO! DON'T!" he cried as Ranma picked them up.
Akane smirked. "More pictures of 'Ranko'?"
"Nope," he said, tossing them to her.
Akane looked at the pictures, then leapt to her feet,
screaming "YOU SON OF A BITCH!!"
Gosunkugi stammered and backed himself into a corner,
cowering. "B-b-but I can explain!" he cried.
"You sneak around and take pictures of me - taking a BATH!!
- and 'you can explain'?!?"
"Gee, Akane," Ranma said wryly, "You weren't upset about the
pictures of 'Ranko'."
"That's different!" she hissed. "He wasn't selling pictures
of *me*!"
"Hey!" Gosunkugi cried, "I didn't sell any pictures! Nabiki did that!"
Ranma laughed. "You expect me to believe that my own
girlfriend would sell pictures of m - er, of my sister?"
"You're pathetic," Akane said, cracking her knuckles.
"Hey, teishi," Ranma said, "*I'm* the sensei - I get to hit
him first."
"He had pictures of *me*!" she protested.
"I'm the one who was insulted more."
"I've known him longer!"
While Ranma and Akane argued over who got to beat on him
first, Gosunkugi quickly and quietly departed.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Rapture and despair warred in Ryoga's breast.
He had spent one of the most delightful mornings of his life
in the company of Nodoka Saotome. They had spoken of
loneliness and the need for human contact; they had told
little jokes and even enjoyed brief companionable silences.
During their visit, they reached an informal agrement to
allow Nodoka to care for 'Kobuta-san', thus giving Ryoga a
'legitimate; reason to visit. (He also explained his 'pet's'
sensetive skin, so he shouldn't be given hot baths.)
But he'd also discovered that her husband was named 'Genma'
and her son 'Ranma'.
His rival - his worst enemy - the man who cursed him and
humiliated him - was the son of the woman he loved!
Tragedy *and* irony - the gods must just be laughing their
guts out.
"Oh, Kobuta-san!" Nodoka said, picking up the little piglet.
"Your master just left, but he said you can stay as long as
you like!"
Ryoga-kobuta grunted happily.
"He's such a nice young man, too - charming and friendly.
And ever so polite."
Ryoga-kobuta beamed with pride.
"And he spent so much time staring at my breasts, he
developed a nosebleed."
<Eep! I didn't mean it!> Even though she was dressed in a
proper kimono at the time, Ryoga couldn't help but think of
her naked body.
"He was quite aroused at one point - I could see it."
Normally, pigs can't blush, but somehow, Ryoga-kobuta pulled
it off.
"Quite a manly young fellow," she said approvingly. "I
wonder if he'll ever try to seduce me?"
Ryoga-kobuta's eyes bugged out. <NO!! NO!! NO!! I'm no
pervert!> he thought, shaking his head vigorously.
"May I tell you a secret, Kobuta-san? I hope he will."
<BWAAAK!!> Quickly, Ryoga-kobuta turned his head away, so
Nodoka wouldn't notice the nosebleed.
"He is quite a manly young man - and I've been so lonely
..." She sighed. "I pray that Ranma is as manly as Ryoga-
kun. Lest honor force me to destroy him."
<I beg you pardon?> "Bwee?"
"Why did I ever agree to that insane contract?" she sighed,
pulling an old slip of paper out of a pocket in her kimono
sleeve. She unfurled the paper and read it silently.
Ryoga-kobuta read the sheet of paper along with Nodoka, his
eyes wide. <If Ranma isn't a 'man among men', then ...>
He thought about a certain full-breasted redhead - hardly
'manly'. <Oh, my poor Nodoka-chan.>
"Oh, what if he isn't a true man, Kobuta-san?? What if Genma
failed??" she cried. "I don't want to serve as my son's
second! I don't want my nightmares to come true!"
Ryoga-kobuta nuzzled the crying woman, trying to give what
comfort a piglet could.
Two thoughts rattled around in his mind;
Nodoka *wanted* him to seduce her ...
And Ranma had caused this woman untold pain, and with his
Jusenkyo curse, he'd cause her more.
For both those reasons, Ranma must never come home.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ranma and Akane had met Nabiki for lunch, Nabiki watching
while Ranma and Akane did some minor sparring.
In this case, 'minor sparring' mean a duel with chopsticks,
both sides eating like bingeing food-addict pigs while
stealing each other's food and keeping the other one from
stealing theirs.
Akane made a rather poor showing.
"Akane-chan, you'll starve to death at this rate," Nabiki
said, giggling.
"She's got too many curves as it is," Ranma said. "A *real*
martial artist would be leaner, more muscular."
"Are you saying I'm fat?!?" Akane asked angrily.
"Not at all," he said calmly. "You've got a good shape - if
you were a fashion model just *pretending* to be a martial
artist."
Akane's battle aura flared as her chopsticks went - not for
Ranma's bento, but toward his hand.
In a blur of motion, Ranma's chopsticks pinned hers.
"Hmph," he commented. "A *real* martial artist wouldn't get
distracted by anger so easily. Or were you intending to tear
off my flesh and eat it?"
"Ick!" Nabiki commented. "I just ate!"
Akane looked ashamed of herself. "Well, if you weren't
trying to get me mad all the time -"
"- then when your opponent tried it in a real fight, you'd
fall for it. You'd loose your cool, and more likely than not
be making a personal tour of the afterlife."
Akane growled.
"OH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!!!"
If the demented cackle wasn't enough of an announcement, the
black flower petals would have been. Akane and Ranma
instantly hopped to their feet.
>From out of the tree dropped the demented Black Rose.
"What are you doing here, Kodachi?" Ranma asked.
"I go where I list, plebian boor," she replied. "I but came
to deliver a bento to my poor brother, for so besotted as he
is by thine sister and student, he did forget it this
morning."
Kuno approached. "Nay, sister - I already ate," he said,
sweatdropping even as he took the bento - gingerly. "But I
thank thee for thine concern."
"They talk like that to *each other*?" Ranma wondered.
"Also," Kodachi continued, "I would have words with the
Tendo girls."
"So talk," Akane snapped.
"Such gruffness," Kodachi remarked. "You shall learn proper
respect when I am your stepmother."
Ranma, Akane, Nabiki, and Kuno all reacted in identical
fashion; jumping a meter in the air, tugging at their hair,
and crying 'NANI?!?' at the top of their lungs.
"Aye!" she crowed. "For when I win my glorious victory, the
incomparable Soun Tendo - most magnificent of men - shall
see me as a true Mistress of the Martial Arts, and thus his
perfect bride!" She sighed. "The kiss we shared in the moonlight will seem like nothing to the bliss he'll feel in
my arms!"
"WHAT???" Akane bellowed. "You've been kissing my father?!?"
"Sister!" Kuno cried. "Cease thy dememted ravings!"
"But worry not, my dear girls," Kodachi cooed. "I shall
always have a place for my step-daughters. After all,
*someone* has to clean the toilets. OH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-
HO-HO-HO!!!"
As Kodachi vanished in a flurry of rose petals, Kuno looked
at Akane.
Kuno nodded. "It seems then, Akane Tendo, that we have
common cause - and a common opponent."
"What do you mean?" Akane asked.
"While I care little for whom mine sister would wed," Kuno
explained, "I would not like to be seen attempting to date
with mine own niece. There would be talk."
"Get this straight!" Nabiki said harshly. "My father will
*not* marry your tart of a sister, no matter what! Got
that?!?"
"I hope that thou art right, Nabiki Tendo," Kuno answered.
"But be warned; my twisted sister is - tenacious. Once a
notion enters her warped mind, there is little chance of
her ever surrendering it."
"I have just one question," Ranma said.
Kuno looked at him curiously.
Ranma pointed to the bento Kodachi had given him. "You gonna
eat that?"
Nabiki and Akane facefaulted.