Considering the length of this chapter, and the fact that it's been
pre-read extensively, I'm just gonna give some general impressions
rather than a detailed line-by-line.
First of all, really good work on constructing the setting. Everything
from Urd's bedroom to Kami-sama's office seemed right, and it was
described in enough detail to really convey the experience of being
there.
On the story itself, I have to say that I liked the serious character
bits somewhat more than the comedy. Akane and Nabiki's conversation in
the beginning was particularly well-done and in character, as was
Ranma's visit to Kami-sama and his change of mind there. The comedy
parts weren't bad, but IMO they tended to drag on longer than they
should. The interaction between Urd and Svava, for example; this wasn't
a bad scene, but the exchanges between the two felt quite repetitive.
I did have a couple of problems with this. First, you are badly in need
of a visit to the Fanfic Writers' Glossary of Useful English Words And
Phrases (TM). Tnis story has one of the worst cases of gratuitous
Japanese that I've seen in a while. I understand that some concepts or
cultural items don't translate well into English, and I don't have a
problem with Japanese words for these. I'll even put up with "oneesan"
and stuff like that if you think it's absolutely necessary. But things
like "ano" and "gomen"... I mean, is there ANY reason you can't use
"sorry?" It's a perfectly fine word, for kami... er, gods' sake. :)
Secondly, Genma-bashing. I know it's a crowd-pleaser, but c'mon, this
fic has too much class for characters to start slamming another
character for no apparent reason. Belldandy's comment about Genma
needing to be taken "in hand" struck me as particularly gratuitous.
She's saying this based on what? The one extra engagement to Ukyo (plus
others that Nabiki here is sure happened, yet there's no evidence for in
canon)? I mean, this is BELLDANDY, for cryin' out loud; I don't think
she ever took a dislike to *anyone* in AMG, let alone a dislike based
only on hearsay. This, to me, is an indication that an author is letting
his personal biases run away with a scene.
All in all, an enjoyable fic, and I'll look forward to seeing it
continue.
Gary