DB Sommer wrote:
Symmetry of Pain
This was nicely structured, and well-written from a technical
standpoint, but I was put off by the excessively melodramatic tone.
Akane spent so much time grunting and puffing over her dark plans and
her overpowering need for venegance that I half expected her to break
into manical laughter or start calling herself the Bloody Daisy of
Furinkan. This made it hard to take the story seriously.
Aside from that, the biography and moralising at the end don't really
belong in the story. It's much better to end with Akane leaving the
village, having accepted Ranma's death and found closure. It isn't
necessary to go into anything after that. I would also recommend
moving the first flashback earlier in the story, so we aren't left
wondering "who's this person and what's her problem, anyway?"
But the main problem is the tone. It's overbearing and makes Akane
sound self-important. She's not a self-important person.
-- David