David Homerick wrote
DB Sommer wrote:
Symmetry of Pain
This was nicely structured, and well-written from a technical
standpoint, but
There's always a 'but', isn't there? ^_^
I was put off by the excessively melodramatic tone.
One of my faults in writing is a tendency to be overly melodramatic, I must
confess.
Akane spent so much time grunting and puffing over her dark plans and
her overpowering need for venegance that I half expected her to break
into manical laughter or start calling herself the Bloody Daisy of
Furinkan. This made it hard to take the story seriously.
Hmm. Regretably, in looking this over I'm inclined to agree. I went over
the same thing too many times. As much as I wanted to show her drive, I
definitely overdid it. Nothing like beating the horse dead.
Aside from that, the biography and moralising at the end don't really
belong in the story. It's much better to end with Akane leaving the
village, having accepted Ranma's death and found closure. It isn't
necessary to go into anything after that.
Hmm, well, since there was a moral to the story, that part sort of needs to
be
there. The biography I thought would be almost necessary to answer the
inevitable questions that are usually raised when the ending is left open
ended like that.
I would also recommend
moving the first flashback earlier in the story, so we aren't left
wondering "who's this person and what's her problem, anyway?"
Hmm, part of what I wanted to do to try to draw the reader in was to let
them
guess what was going on until enough clues were given to figure it out.
Akane's
identity is given pretty early on, but the exact reason isn't spelled out
until
later. Not sure where I'd fit the flashback in earlier. It's conceivable I
could cut part of the trip to the village which would shorten things up.
But the main problem is the tone. It's overbearing and makes Akane
sound self-important. She's not a self-important person.
Not normally, but given the mission she's dedicated herself to, a certain
amount of self-importance is in there. Likewise, when she realizes what
she's done, she changes back to the way she was and loses the inappropriate
self-importance, which was part of the 'moral' of the story.
Thanks for the C+C. Sorry it didn't work for you. I'll be the first to
admit this isn't one of my better works and didn't quite come out as I
thought it would when it was still in the idea phase. But these things
happen.
D.B. Sommer