uhm. this is even less seriously written as a fic and more
an attempt to have fun by bending the traditional SI
conventions. however, as some ideas presented here have not
(to my knowledge) been done, and could be interesting in a
fic of their own, they are presented.

note#2: this is rough, and i'll prob remove the eggs as they
don't really serve much purpose.


NOTE: Several times i was accused of writing an SI (this was
especially nasty with Future Tense and King Of Fighters)
based on the Perfect Ranma (not sure which fic this was
supposed to be)
 So... here we go with something that is just meant to be a
momentary amusement where i actually do what i've been
accused of.

--------------------

Prologue:  A Reluctant Bet

---------------------

Asgard

 If one visited Heaven, one would find it was divided into
sections. This was partly because one person's Heaven was
another's Hell (or at least irritating), partly because the
various Faith systems that had developed were the "blind men
and the elephant" but were represented anyway, but mainly
because it was sufficiently big that there was no reason not
to.

 In a section known as Asgard, there was a magnificent
citadel wherein was housed the "Goddess Relief Office",
which could access Yggdrasil directly and which made use of
the Ultimate Force to grant wishes to their clients -
mortals of a pure heart. A building of crystal and silver
that fit into the splendor of its environment perfectly. The
employees were all powerful goddesses, and those that
weren't beautiful were at least attractive. Its scope was
the Universe.

 Not far away was its nominal rival, in an equally
magnificent set of towering buildings, the Earth Assistance
Hotline. It shared resources with its rival agency including
the Ultimate Force. Which had both gods and goddesses, all
powerful and quite attractive. Its scope was the Earth,
though humans of other planets also fell into their purvue.

 Turning one's attention from the gleaming streets linking
these shining buildings, one would be hard pressed to notice
the dingy alleyway two streets down. One could quite easily
mistake it as a shadow, flanked on one side by a heavenly
ice cream parlor called "The Heart Of Darkest Chocolate" and
the other side by a place known as "The Gods Gym" even those
who noticed it tended to discount it. The alley led to a
rundown little place that was often described as a "hole in
the wall" or "grungy little rathole" by those who even knew
of its existence. Where a neon sign with two letters that
refused to light up (the v and the f for those curious, and
the lack of funds to pay for repairs) proclaimed this the
"Rival Relief Office." A place that attempted to fix
problems and grant requests to the needy, though they had to
make use of something with the unflattering name of the
"Barely Adequate Force." As the amount of magical energy
from the BAF was often not adequate without a *lot* of
tweaking or stealing from other sources, it wasn't terribly
accurate.

 Where the beautiful and powerful worked at the GRO and the
EAH, the RRO was staffed by a different sort. The most
powerful individual was a scruffy god of male potency known
as Mambo Jack (Third Class, Limited) and the most beautiful
was a fairly cute if airheaded goddess named Kitchiri (any
resemblence to a Galaxy Police Officer named Mihoshi was
purely accidental.)

 But then, even in Heaven, someone's got to do the scutwork.
It's just rarely as bad as cleaning toilets in an anchor
store or any of a large number of other things that a
certain frequently-depressed human turned quite-reluctant
incubus turned largely-complacent combat cyborg had done
before a mischievous being had decided to get involved.

 And as he was a relatively powerless, non-beautiful, being
who had done worse jobs, his complaints were mainly the
venting of displeasure at a situation he couldn't affect
anyway.

 And not too far from his place of work, in a Hall Of
Judgement, that very individual (despised by many, liked by
a few, and actively hated by a powerful few) was getting the
latest in a long string of assignments that seemed
calculated for maximum annoyance.

 "NO! Nononononono!"

 "Look what happened to the first of your Twelve Labors,"
chided Eris, idly tossing her golden apple up and catching
it. "You screwed up the Test. You screwed up the Makeup
Test. You didn't do well at all. Be grateful to your betters
that we simply didn't ship you off to Hades' domain."

 Hades shrugged silently. He was inclined to give the poor
fellow a break himself, and there was always a need for
skilled bricklayers.

 "You not only failed to reconcile the correct couple, you
violated rules against interfering in a major war between
Good and Evil without permission." Ares frowned at the
pathetic little mortal.

 Grey grumbled slightly but acknowledged the point. "But
why... this?! It's so cliche!"

 Belldandy rose from her position. "May I speak?"

 "The chair recognizes Belldandy of the Goddess Relief
Office," Apollo smiled.

 "Grey-san got Keichi-san past his reluctance to fulfill
Japanese tradition and ask Father for formal permission to
court me. Doesn't that count for something?" Belldandy
looked hopeful. Keiichi, at her side, blushed and nodded.
He'd been a bit reluctant to proceed past a certain point
without addressing that condition, but approaching the
Almighty on such a matter had intimidated him a bit.

 "It may be that being dumped by Miya, among others,
devoured by flayworms, mindwiped, turned into an inhuman
looking cyborg, and spending the entire Quest being reduced
to ineffectual comic relief had some influence on his
behavior." Urd spoke up from her position. As far as Urd was
concerned, just getting Keichi to propose to Belldandy
seemed to qualify as a Herculean labor. That those two were
now openly mutually affectionate, Urd felt that she *owed*
daemon-boy a favor.

 "Doesn't make any difference." Apollo winced at the Miya
reference though. The Chinese Amazon had dumped Grey to join
Apollo's groupies with little more than a friendly wink.
"Look, three planewalking heroes went in and manipulated one
of the Bet timelines. You remember Hephaestus' entry? Ranma
became a sabretooth? Went on to marry Shampoo and adventure
across the world, eventually settling in Canada? Well, they
'corrected' it so that Ranma never received psychiatric
help.

 "Unfortunately, instead of their intent - returning the
timeline to the original course where Ranma and Akane were
turned by Tatewaki Kuno's wish into his personal loveslaves,
they neglected a secondary ripple. And freezing this
timeline is out of the question, there's been too much
manipulation and damage for such heavyhanded measures. So
look at what the prediction program states will happen:"

----------------------

 "I can't believe it," Nabiki said with a smirk before the
paralyzed Ranma. "The great Ranma afraid of a little
kitty-cat?" She placed a few more on him to observe this
phenonema.

 "You're not afraid of these kitties, are you?" Kasumi held
two extremely ugly cats and walked up to Ranma as tear
tracks formed on the martial artist's cheeks. "They're so
cute!"

 "Eeeeee," Ranma managed, shaking and rolling his eyes.

 Genma stopped and scrutinized Ranma as Soun held up another
cat. Years on the road, and before that with Happosai, had
given Genma a certain danger sense.

 "Here's another!" Soun placed the cat on Ranma's head.

 "Mrow?" came a noise out of Ranma's throat.

 "This is so fun," said Nabiki, making a lapse in judgement
that she would regret for years thereafter. "Let's see how
many he can hold!"

 The Cat came out. Enemies surrounded him. Enemies who hated
him. Enemies who teased him. Enemies who wanted only to
taunt and tease and humiliate and hurt him. He reacted
completely in character for a feral cat.

-----------------------

 "The part of Akane played by Lucy Van Pelt," quipped Edema
in drow sign language.

 "When isn't it?" snickered Mambo Jack aloud.

 "Ahem," said Apollo with a glare, not getting the
reference.

 Belldandy and Kasumi9 didn't notice, too busy flinching at
the violence erupting in the simulation.

 "Well, it's unusual to see Ranma strike back against people
torturing him, I'll grant that," Ares said. "More
surprising, they survive. Though nobody ever quite forgives
Ranma after the way he treats 'two rival tomcats' and three
'uppity female cats' even though he has no clue as to what
happened. He's institutionalized, and it all becomes Ranma's
fault as no one is advocating his position."

 "Wasn't it a temporary line?" Urd asked, recovering from
the scene first. After all, it was just a simulation.

 "It was up until the line was destabilized by this
secondary intervention," Apollo's voice was appropriately
dry. "Toltiir, for all his faults, *is* sufficiently good at
these things that he can contain problems. Now it shows
signs of stabilizing as a particularly dark and unpleasant
timeline."

 "So, cutting through it all you want me to take the place
of Ranma from just prior to Jusenkyo until the timeline is
stable. Once everything is stable enough, and Ranma's been
prepped, you can stick him back in and retro it." Grey
sighed. "Fine, is this my Second Labor?"

0000000000000000000000000000000

segment 1: Here's... Genma?

 "At last, at long last," Soun wept as he reread the
postcard for the fifth time. That odd feeling that it should
say something else persisted.

Hi.
Coming   from  China.
Need help with Ranma.
                            Genma

 That feeling returned when, after telling his three lovely
and dutiful daughters about the engagement, a panda entered
the house and made a beeline for the kitchen.

 After the panda changed back into his old buddy Genma, the
heavyset man had explained Jusenkyo and this whole weird
sensation of "something slightly off" returned with a
vengeance.

 "Whatta ya mean 'marriage'?!" Akane glared at the old man.
They weren't suggesting she marry HIM were they? This could
be even worse than marrying Kuno.

 "Oh dear, oh my." Kasumi wondered how the wa of the home
would be maintained.

 "So where is he? Is he cute? Is he rich?" Nabiki looked
over Genma and crossed that last off the list. "Is he cute?
Is he intelligent? Does he have a nice bod?" Nabiki had her
priorities after all. If the boy was nice and cute, she'd
have a boyfriend and as long as he didn't go pushing her
buttons (like flirting with Akane, she couldn't *stand* how
all the guys fawned over little sister while ignoring her)
then she'd thaw the Ice Queen image a bit.

 Akane was easily scandalized. "NABIKI?!" How could anyone
go along with such an archaic system? And this boy was a
BOY, and Akane was well acquainted with them: stupid,
egotistical, perverted, greedy, domineering, violent BOYS
were something she loathed so badly she could taste it.

 "Oh my, I hope he's not too young." Kasumi frowned ever so
slightly. Young would be improper. Though she *was* almost
twenty now and it wasn't like she had a lot of prospects.
Maybe he would turn out to be cute and intelligent and
well-behaved. And if he had a nice butt, that wouldn't hurt.
Hmmm. Maybe she'd have to settle for polite, an attention to
manners could excuse a lot of faults.

 "So where is Ranma?" Soun started looking around, even
though it was plainly obvious that the panda had arrived
alone.

 "Well, Tendo... there were some problems. After my son had
declared that he wanted to train at Jusenkyo..."

---------------------------

 Ranma fell into the pool, and Grey got out as that was the
point he had been inserted in. The forcefield kept the water
away from him, and frankly he preferred things that way. He
still wasn't quite sure what would happen when a full
conversion cyborg fell into Jusenkyo, there was a good
chance nothing would as living flesh wouldn't be in contact
with the waters, but why take chances?

 Though the outer casing had been altered to look more
human, the whole thing didn't look like the Ranma that had
fallen in. It was still a Triax VX-500 Manhunter (though a
different one from the First Labor due to damages received
then) with the jetpack replaced by antigrav, most of the
various pop-up weapon systems removed, a forcefield
generator and fusion miniplant retained, a single secret
compartment in the left arm, and a strength and stealth
upgrade.

 Which meant that the basic dimensions remained the same.
Eight feet (2.4m) tall, four feet (1.2m) wide, and three
feet (0.9m) thick. The overall package looking like some
massive blond bodybuilder.

 "Genma. Die." Grey launched himself across the ground,
grabbed the panda, performed a quick airplane spin, and
launched the panda.

 "Oh sir. What you do? You send other sir to Amazon
Village."

 Grey groaned and sped off in the indicated direction to see
what could be done about minimizing the damage. Though he'd
wanted to do something like that for a long time.

--------------------

 "And so my son, driven insane by the changes inflicted upon
him at Jusenkyo, threw me into a nearby village during a
long battle. Fortunately, I landed safely in the women's
bath area, and after escaping found a feast that had been
laid out for some later contest. Naturally, in keeping with
the Master's teachings, I determined there was no owner
claiming it and helped myself. No telling when you'll get
the chance to eat again, after all." Genma nodded and
attempted to look wise.

 "Ah yes, I remember those days," Soun nodded, rejoicing in
that those days were past.

 "Yeah right," said Nabiki whose BS meter had long since
pegged itself.

---------------------------

 "Argghhh," Grey said through clenched teeth. The VX-500
chassis was capable of running at just roughly 100mph
(160kph) and his in particular was a little slower at 95mph
(152kph). TOO slow, it appeared.

 A panda was tied up and hanging over a cooking pit.

 It was tempting, VERY tempting, to just leave. If it had
been a cookpot, he probably would have.  Genma would have
dropped into some boiling water, turned back to human, and
likely spent the rest of his life working off his debt. A
roaring fire, on the other hand, meant panda steaks.

 Grey finished running into the village and sized it all up.
Yes, his arrival had made a definite impression. Well, at
least he had the translation program. "Load Mandarin
Language."

 *Mandarin datapak: file not found.*

 "Oh crap." Grey wondered what else hadn't been loaded.
"Okay, activate primary weapon system."

 *EM containment field: stable.*
 *Primary weapon: ready.*

 Momentarily cursing the "in genre" modifications that he
had to name an attack or activate various functions, Grey
centered the crosshair appearing in his vision on the rope.
"Razor Beam."

 A pencil thin laser beam shot from a popup mount on his
right forearm to cut through the rope.

 Genma fell into the firepit, scattering logs and running
around the village with smoking fur a moment later.

 "Oh crap," Grey repeated. Yup, there was a certain Chinese
girl (odd that her hair wasn't purple), stalking up to him
yelling in Mandarin. "Would you believe i'm with the Sierra
Club?"

 There were a few groans in the crowd, indicating that some
of the Amazons were familiar with the name.

 The 5'2" Chinese girl continued to berate him. Grey
shrugged and tried to indicate he didn't speak Mandarin.

 Shampoo swung at him when it was apparent that this boy
didn't understand her.

 Grey, not being Ranma, took the blow square on. Shampoo was
getting angry about the dent in her bonbori when Grey
further demonstrated that he was not Ranma.

 Sensors locked onto the presence of water nearby, and
determined a high probability that THAT was the bath-house
(though there was a panda-shaped hole in one side). A hand
moving much faster than Shampoo expected spun her around,
grabbed the back of her collar, and threw her 200ft (61m)
into said large body of water.

 Shampoo was just coming out of the pool, radiating angry,
when the big outsider appeared again. She yelled and
attacked. The big outsider spun her around then dunked her
in the pool again.

 Another attack, another reply. Grey didn't like this, but
if ANYONE tried to beat on him, he didn't care if it was
Kasumi, he'd respond in kind. If opening a door for a girl
was considered Sexual Harrassment (and therefore a greater
crime than armed robbery in America at least) then chivalry
was dead and hell if he was going to give a girl deferential
treatment. Any anger at Miya dumping him to become yet
another Apollo groupie was purely incidental, right?

 After the third time her head was submerged, Shampoo
surrendered by being unconscious. At which point, not being
able to communicate with the locals and get someone ELSE to
do it, Grey tried a couple of other methods before using
mouth-to-mouth to rid the Amazon of way too much excess
water.

 Then, naturally, knowing how this would likely be
construed, he fled while carrying Genma. He had questions
that the overweight patriarch could only answer.

-------------------------

 "Ah, my son defeated their champion. Naturally, as the
Anything Goes style is much more powerful than some tribal
martial artist." Genma beamed proudly for a moment. "We
escaped the village with packs of vicious headhunters in
pursuit..."

 "Headhunting Chinese Amazons?" Akane held her hands in a
"time out" gesture.

 "Oh yeah. The headhunters were last year. Anyway, my son
braved the village to rescue his loving father, indicating
that he had mostly recovered from whatever had driven him
insane." Genma moaned and bewailed the Heavens briefly
before returning to his narrative.

 "What did you do that could have driven him insane?"

 "Well, there was the Catfist training, and there was the
Touched Soul, and the..." Genma went on for two minutes
giving a tantalizing view of the gentle care and scholastic
upbringing he'd given Ranma. "...and then there was that
time I sold him to some pedophiles. But I stole him back
before they'd gotten too involved."

 "Catfist? Touched Soul? Lion's Cub? Pedophiles?" Soun
inquired.

 Genma explained the terms briefly.

 Kasumi's expression was calm and serene. This was mainly
due to the fact that she'd gone into shock, which was
revealed by the way her hair was sticking straight up.

 Akane excused herself to go run to the bathroom, she hated
BOYS but this was a level of cruelty beyond her. Nabiki just
had her eyes clenched shut and twitched occasionally. Even
an Ice Queen has her limits.

 "Ah, the life of a martial artist is fraught with peril."
Soun nodded sagely. Hmmm. He hadn't done *any* of that with
his daughters. But then they were frail little girls who
wouldn't have withstood that sort of training. "So what
happened then, Saotome?"

 "It was horrible, Tendo, he wanted to know where he could
find some childhood friend. Naturally, keeping our agreement
in mind, I refused to say. The joining of the schools is of
the utmost importance! Ranma was relentless, however. He
threatened to do inhuman, terrible, things to me if I didn't
tell him." Genma sniffled. "He even built a fire to torture
me with!"

-------------------------

 Grey let the fish crackle over the fire before turning his
attention to where Genma was tied to the tree. "i told you
already. You can eat WHEN you tell me where to find Ukyo.
She's already spent too much time living on some vengeance
quest. Maybe if i get to her NOW she can still have a life
and get some outside interests."

 "I... don't know why you'd want to see that boy. RANMA! How
dare you treat your father so!" His mouth involunarily
watered from the smell of the fish.

 "i ain't Ranma. i'm just a substitute. Besides, you've done
this to Ranma enough. Paybacks a cold mistress, ain't it?"
Grey turned the fish to let them cook evenly. "i didn't know
they had trout in the Bayankala range. Neat, huh?"

 "Ranma. You break your father's heart." Genma licked
slobber off his lips. His son had set the cooking fish up so
that it was upwind of the bound martial artist. Well, the
info wouldn't do Ranma any good anyway. "Ukyo was in the
Kansai area, Osaka to be precise, we met them on the..."

----------------------------

 "I held out as long as I could, Tendo, but eventually he
beat the truth out of me."

 "Where's the burn marks and broken bones?" murmurred Nabiki
just loudly enough that her two sisters could hear.

 Akane and Kasumi nodded as one. Holding out against that
sort of torture (beatings, hot irons, and sodium pentothol)
for three days, one would expect the man to be scarred. Or
at least thinner.

 "And then," Genma sobbed with crocodile tears, caught up in
his brilliant acting. "And then, that girl from the village
found us again!"

-----------------------------

 Grey finished recording the directions and lifted his pack.
Judging from the way Genma eyed it, it wouldn't be safe to
leave it around him. How fortunate that he and the Saotome
patriarch were parting ways now. It wouldn't be difficult.
Genma's top running speed would be below ten miles an hour.

 And there *were* other methods.

 Genma's eyes bugged out as his overly tall and muscular son
cut him loose and then rose silently into the air. Graceful,
silent, dignified.

 Except that the girl from the village leapt out of a tree
and wrapped herself around him before he'd cleared that
level. Then Genma was stuck watching the combined dot vanish
into the distance. Tendo. Tendo would know what to do!

-------------------------------

 "And so I came here," sniffled Genma. "My son's crazy and
thinks he's in a Dragonball crossover or something." Genma
stopped and frowned, wondering where *that* comment had come
from. "Oh, Tendo, how can I return him to being the same
immature and easily led putz that I raised him to be so that
we can unite the two houses?"

 "Well, if he can levitate and throw ki blasts, he must be a
worthy heir to the school," reasoned Soun. "And I'm sure
that once he understands it is a matter of honor, he will
marry one of my daughters."

 "What's he look like again?"

 Genma cried some more but didn't have any photos and so
just indicated that his son was tall, strong, darkhaired,
and built like a dedicated martial artist.

 Akane pictured someone like Kuno and grimaced.

 Nabiki pictured someone like a young Japanese version of
Jackie Chan, perhaps with a roguish good humor, and smiled.
"So is he cute?"

 Kasumi pictured someone with the discipline and strength of
a true martial artist, old school, and a bit of the samurai
out of epic romantic fantasy. "But how old is he?"

 Not even Soun was buying Genma's story, at least
completely.

 "Oh, and Tendo," sniffled Genma. "Before we get too
involved. Do you have anything to eat?"

------------------------

segment 2: Ichi Koo Park

 The air cracked open in a swirling vortex and three people
stepped out.

 "JAPAN! AT LAST!" A girl with long brown hair started
kissing the ground.

 "Is Japan, but is right Japan?" The Chinese girl frowned,
not wanting to get her hopes up. "Not forget strange worlds
we end up in."

 "Well, if Ukyo had just believed me to begin with instead
of needing a damn demonstration!" Grey grumbled at the
implication.

 "Stupid Genma," this was punctuated by the sound of Shampoo
kicking a discarded Pocari Sweat can. "Is all stupid panda's
fault!"

 "YEAH!" Ukyo growled, back on a familiar subject.

 "Well, if he's got any sense at all, he won't mess with any
of us." Grey thought it likely that Genma would show up
before the timeline got fixed. When it did though, all he
had to do was keep things from getting too badly out of
alignment and Ranma would be retroed back and none of this
would have happened. So why not have some fun while he was
at it?

 "That right, Ranma. You tell stupid panda-man."

 "You said it, Ranma honey. Though it's *my* turn to beat on
Genma."

 "Let's go get him. You say stupid panda in Nerima, yes?"

 "No, we're not going to visit the Tendos."

 "But Ranma, it is a matter of honor." Ukyo argued. "It
isn't fair to leave them hanging. We ought to go visit and
explain the situation. They might be reasonable."

 "Shampoo agree. Want to see place for self."

 "I disagree. I don't think they'll be reasonable. And *i am
NOT Ranma!*"

 "Whatever you say, Ranchan."

 "Shampoo think Ranma need therapy. Come back to Village and
get!"

 "Well, at least Ryoga's happy," Grey said, turning his eyes
heavenward. "And with Rin Rin and Ran Ran married to him,
they won't be appearing again. So that's three people
happy."

 "Shampoo think Ryoga not be happy no matter what do, but
glad to see those two get married to strong fighter."
Shampoo had seen the boy stumble into the village and
accidently knock her two cousins out. Ah, young love!
"Shampoo hope that Ryoga get over himself. It not so bad he
have two wives who very enthusiastic."

 "So, what *do* we do?" Ukyo wasn't sure but it sounded to
her as if this guy would turn into the real Ranma. That
meant sticking next to the big fella. There hadn't been time
to sort out his story. Yet.

 "Back to Village?"

 "How about down to Kansai?"

 "Well, this isn't a crossover universe, so I can't go to
Juuban and hook up with the Senshi or Okayama and the Masaki
Shrine. Nekomi Tech is out as well. Gateway is out. i don't
want to screw over this timeline *too* much, so that means
staying in Japan. Kobe i'm familiar with but it's got some
unpleasant memories. Shampoo's gonna have trouble with a lot
of the less cosmopolitan areas due to the Japanese racism
being particularly focussed against Chinese. Unless..."

 "Airen have idea?"

 "We could disguise you as an American. A lot of Japanese
have anti-American sentiments, particularly depending on
whatever the TV's 'talking heads' are spewing that day, but
they still give Americans a lot more latitude than Chinese."
Setting his ever-present pack down, Grey started rummaging
around within it. "And i ain't your Airen. That's Ranma."

 "Whatcha looking for, Ranchan?"

 "Synaptic teacher. Got it for a mission i was involved in
back when my skin wasn't artifical covering over a
cybernetic framework. Here it is. And i'm NOT Ranchan." Grey
drew out a small flat case, which he opened and withdrew a
metal bandaid and a "pennyroll" of flat discs. He stuck one
of the discs onto the bandaid. "Here ya go, Shampoo."

 Shampoo looked at the offered device curiously but made no
move to touch it. "What do?"

 "Basic datapak that came with the gadget. American style
English, customs, and basics of four other languages.
Unfortunately those languages are: French, Spanish, Russian,
and Norse. None of which are gonna be of use here."

 Shampoo looked a bit distrustfully at the device.

 "Oh for crying out loud," Ukyo said and picked it up, eager
to show off how brave she was in front of Shampoo. They'd
quickly settled into a sort of rivalry. It hadn't exploded
yet, as the *real* Ranma was still off someplace. "How do
you use it?"

 "Just set it flush against your forehead, AFTER you sit
down." Grey made a motion towards one of the benches near
the fountain.

 Ukyo sat down, gave a smug look to Shampoo, and put the
device against her forehead. Then blinked and seemed to go
to sleep.

 "Is Spatula girl OK?" Shampoo reached out to poke the other
girl.

 "Yeah, it'll take about five minutes to run the program
though. And her name is Ukyo. Stop being needlessly
insulting, Shampoo, it'll make things easier all around."

 "If say so." Shampoo kept her doubts to herself.  She took
a seat next to Ukyo and fidgeted for about minute. "Can
Shampoo ride horse while wait?"

 The cyborg sighed and reached into his vest. "Yeah, i
suppose he needs the exercise anyway. And there ain't anyone
around to watch. Here!"

 Shampoo accepted the white and red sphere with a child's
glee. "Ponyta, Shampoo choose you!"

 A white horse with a mane of flame appeared from the sphere
in a flash of energy. It neighed and nuzzled the Amazon who
hugged the horselike creature back. "Shampoo so happy see
Ponyta again!"

 The cyborg shook his head at the Amazon riding the horse
around the fountain and along the park's pathways. Squeals
of glee coming from the girl as her mount leapt over
benches, fountain, and just about anything else the creature
could handle. From some of the startled sounds, the park
wasn't as empty as he'd thought.

 Ukyo made a noise deep in her throat and came to about the
time that Shampoo made a third circuit of the park. "Damn.
That was something. What's going on?"

 "While you were out, Shampoo wanted to play with Ponyta."
Grey watched as the two took off at a gallop. "Y'know, i may
just have to give her that pokeball. The two of them get
along entirely too well."

 "Y'got that right, sugar." Ukyo looked up to see an
unfamiliar looking plane pass overhead. "Uhm, I don't think
this is the right Japan after all."

 "Yeah, tech level's too high. Got to be at least 24th
century standards." Grey nodded. "Plus, that statue in the
fountain is of the Chinese Armada conquering Japan."

 Ukyo blinked and wanted (as she had in the past three
worlds) to study the local okonomiyaki restaurants to
compare techniques. "Um, I hate to say I told you so."

 "Actually, you *love* to tell me you told me so."

 Sirens began to approach the park. "Shampoo! We've got to
get going now." He continued in a quieter voice. "Y'know if
you'd just accepted my flying or weapons system or secret
compartment as evidence that i was telling the truth, i'd
have never used the D-hopper."

 "Hey, with a story like that, I needed some proof, sugar."
Ukyo silently appended that she hadn't needed *quite* this
much proof.

 "You really think I ought to go to the Tendo dojo?"

 "Yeah." Ukyo watched as Shampoo came charging up on the
flame horse. "Let's go check out the mall, at least, I could
use some food."

 Grey agreed and motioned Shampoo to return Ponyta to his
pokeball. Even if he couldn't eat regular food, the
nutritional needs of his biological parts requiring only
infrequent intake - and that of a particularly nasty tasting
nutritional paste, he could still shop.

 The three went down the street, looking over their
surroundings for any number of supplies, when Shampoo
exclaimed over a place called "Seraglio Spa - offering the
finest beauty treatments in Japan."

 "Hmmm. Maybe food can wait," said Ukyo speculatively.
"Lemmee see your Universal Card."

 "Hey! It's my Card, it won't work for you." Grey held a
hand to his pocket defensively. The Universal Card was one
of the most important gadgets of the Rival Relief Office, as
the average worker of the RRO couldn't conjure things out of
the air the way other agencies could. The Universal Card was
something along the line of a phonecard. One had a certain
amount of money assigned to a Card and one could put money
aside to it, increasing the pool to draw on. Then one could
spend it, the Card converting funds to whatever was used in
the timeline/world one found oneself in. It was
mindbogglingly useful, therefore something that everyone in
the RRO figured would be taken away from them the moment
people outside the agency learned about it.

 "Well, then come in," Ukyo and Shampoo dragged the cyborg
in.

 "Shampoo has not had bath since we on Pokemon world, and
stupid Butch and Cassidy interrupt THAT."

 A woman in what looked alarmingly like a French Maid outfit
looked up at the three entering. "Can I... help you?"

 "Yeah," Ukyo glanced over the price list. What the heck,
the stupid cyborg owed them for getting them lost in the
timelines anyway. "Two for 'The Works' - go ahead and pay
the girl."

 "Uhm, about how long will this take?" asked Grey, nervously
handing over the Card.

 The clerk ran it through a slot and her eyes perceptibly
widened. "About six hours..." She looked over Ukyo and
Shampoo critically. "Make it a full day."

 "WHOLE DAY?!" Shampoo was calmed by Ukyo putting her hand
on the Amazon's shoulder.

 "Relax, girl. This's obviously one of those places that
really pamper you. Bathing, massage, washing your hair,
manicure, pedicure," Ukyo smiled wistfully. "I've always
heard about 'em but never had a chance to check 'em out
before. Couldn't go there when I was disguised as a guy."

 The clerk winced at the last comment. "All that and more.
Very well, if you two will step this way."

 Grey watched Ukyo and Shampoo vanish into the interior,
wincing at how much this was probably costing him. The
symbol next to the phrase "The Works" was neither a yen nor
a dollar symbol. Instead it was a "V" with a diagonal line.
Another strange monetary system. 850 whatever they were was
probably going to impact his account significantly.

 "Here's your claim chit, sir," the clerk said, handing a
pair of plastic tabs to Grey. "Can I have your name for our
records?"

 "My name's Grey, though the two often refer to me as
Ranma." Grey sighed. It *had* been awhile, and he guessed he
couldn't fault them for wanting to get a rest break. "A day,
huh? Well, I guess I'll check out a few things." Besides,
maybe he could figure out how to get the D-hopper
coordinates right.

 "I just need a few further details. Role packages of the
two?"

 "Pardon me?" Grey blinked a few times in conclusion.

 The clerk raised an eyebrow. "Their occupations? Besides
the obvious?"

 Grey didn't like what the clerk was implying but let it go.
"They're both cooks and warriors. Ukyo is obsessed on
okonomiyaki. Shampoo knows a lot about Chinese food, i
think."

 "Very good, sir." The clerk punched a few buttons on
something like a fastfood cash register. "If you'll be back
in 24 hours, we should have them both feeling like new."

 "Hmmm? Nah, i'm just being paranoid. Well, go ahead. They
deserve a break, i guess."

 "Oh, hazardous conditions?" The clerk punched two more
buttons.

 Grey thought about life in Nerima. "Yeah, i guess so. Oh
well, back to the war."

 The clerk watched the big fellow go and shrugged. It wasn't
her business.

-----------------------------

 Grey hunkered down in the park they'd arrived in. He could
go to "Standby Mode" and shut everything down except a
surveillance routine. It would look like he'd fallen asleep,
and his biological parts *would* be asleep, though the alarm
system would be in place.

 Instead he fiddled with the D-hopper and tried to get the
equipment working with the "Planewalker's Guide To The
Continuua" scans. It *had* been hectic lately, and finding
the way back had proven troublesome, which was probably why
it took him over four hours to read the data on the timeline
he was in.

The laptop-like computer whirred and clicked.
Reality: Timeline LR-111124
Divergence Point: Roman Empire developed improved set of
focussing lenses for heliographs, prompting an Age Of
Invention beginning in 144 BC by Imperial Edict. Roman
Empire breaks apart due to Succession Wars (550 AD - 590 AD)
but is reunited by Nathan Caesar, aka Nathan the Conquerer
in a series of wars and militaristic conquests from 995AD to
1021AD. New Roman Empire puts down three major attempts at
Wars of Independence, a fourth one being the North American
continent and that one was more of a war of logistics. World
is currently organized into three world powers. Roman Empire
controls most of Europe and Asia, also Indochina. North and
South American continent controlled by the Free States.
Japan currently under control by third force, Mordan
Industries, and is designated a resort area for people of
both Empires.
Analysis: Timeline Unresearched due to heavy backlog. There
are indications that an operative from Divine Analysis
vanished in this or a neighboring timeline forty-five years
ago, but a psychic probe has turned up no trace. Classified
request filed with Divine Intervention, this has also been
put off due to heavy backlog.
Overall Technical Level: 8, antigrav, genetic engineering,
and fusion power are common.
Overall Magical Level: 1 special, minor psychic abilities
and some magic, but quite rare in occurance.
 Special: Some native abilities in alchemy and esper noted
as level 6.
WARNING: This timeline is rated a Class Four Hazard, though
reason for rating is not noted. Contact with this timeline
is restricted.

 "Kinda late for that," Grey sighed. Class Four indicated
that the problem was very restricted in scope, took a long
time, or was more an inconvenience than deadly. A Class One
Hazard would be something like one of those worlds overrun
by Bugs or Mechanoids or something similar. A Class Three
Hazard would have been like the world where creatures from
Greek myth roamed the planet: dangerous but not very common.

 It wasn't that unusual for a timeline to be restricted.
There were large numbers of timelines for each Heaven, and
they were always combining, ending, and splitting off. Law
Of Conservation Of Realities among other things. It wasn't
that unusual for a timeline to lack a full entry or
explanation, for the same reasons. That was part of the
reason for him to have the "Planewalker's Guide" - as a
method of exploring the timelines and forming a backup
database for Yggdrasil.

 Grey let the device continue to scan and develop its entry
while letting an internal system do diagnosis on himself,
just in case he needed to perform a rescue on those two.

-------------------------

 Ukyo sat back in the hot bath and exhaled as she relaxed.
"I *really* needed this!"

 "Shampoo agree." Shampoo lazed back herself on the
underwater bench and gave a contented sigh.

 "Well, up until Butch and Cassidy showed up, at least you
were able to get a bath on that Pokemon world." Ukyo closed
her eyes and leaned back, feeling the tensions melting out
of her. "I haven't had one since we started this cockamamie
trip!"

 "Ukyo should not have doubted cyborg boy. We tease by
calling him 'Ranma' but Shampoo getting tired of running
joke." Shampoo interrupted herself with a long yawn. "Or
maybe Shampoo just plain tired. Haven't slept since we visit
world where crab people running around."

 "Invid," corrected Ukyo. "Yeah, and I got woke up the same
time you had your bath interrupted. It's been a wild ride,
ain't it?"

 "Is so." Shampoo seemed to drift off to half-sleep.

 The silence continued for a few minutes, broken only by the
drip of water into the pool.

 "So whattaya think, is that guy on the up and up?"

 "Shampoo think so. He not lie to Shampoo yet." Shampoo
stretched and stood up out of the water. "What next?"

 A figure stepped forward from the hallway. "Massage and
makeover, when you are ready, this way please."

 Ukyo nodded and addressed Shampoo. "Yeah, I guess. So we
gotta stick by him and eventually we'll get to see the real
Ranma. Nice guy, if a bit weird."

 Shampoo smiled slyly. "You take cyborg then, and when Ranma
show Shampoo will take Ranma."

 "Uh uh, girl. The REAL Ranma is MY fiance." Ukyo was quick
to backpedal. "I thought you had to marry the guy who
defeated you, ain't that your law? Didn't Grey defeat you
and all?"

 Shampoo shook her head, little droplets flying as she
toweled off. "No. Cyborg boy not real. He say he substitute
for Ranma. As he represent Ranma, he defeat for Ranma.
Besides, he not have all parts so he not really human."

 The veiled figure of their spa guide motioned them into a
room where a fair number of women were already lying on
tables and being massaged by people who looked like they
knew what they were doing.

 Shampoo picked up one of the odd headphones and heard the
strange music coming from it. Oddly relaxing and she was
already having trouble staying awake.

-----------------

 Hearing the beep that signalled that the computer had
finished scanning, Grey checked the display again and
frowned. Now he had to go rescue those two. Great, just
great.

 This world was nearly as bad as that one with the human
Pokemon. *THAT* had been a nasty mission, but one in where
his cyborg frame had actually been quite an advantage. He
hadn't been human in appearance, so passing as a
one-of-a-kind native had been fairly easy. Since it had been
one of the human slaves whose wish for freedom he had been
there to grant, it had been necessary for Grey to engage in
some activities he'd normally have had trouble with. Namely
stealing and pitfights. He had handed off the pokeballs he'd
gotten off that world to Urd, who'd be able to see if she
could free the pokeslaves.

 Besides, on the pokeslave world, he'd felt good about
joining up with Team Rocket. He'd learned some valuable
skills there too, such as defeating high tech security
systems.

 Well, he'd try the front door first. If there was a problem
he'd go in the back way.

----------------

 "i'm just picking them up early," Grey informed the desk
clerk. "Something has come up and i need to get going."

 "But, sir, their download is only..." The slave managing
the front desk checked a display. "They are only at 65%
reprogrammed. Their new bodies are prepped and ready."

 "No problem, i'll take them. i really *must* be going,
though."

 "But... very well, sir." The slave shook her head. "I'll
have the team wrap up the current alterations. Do you want
the duplicates? You've already paid for them, after all."

 Grey spent a moment wondering how much had been on his Card
anyway. "Yes, fine."

 "Certainly, sir. If you'll take a seat, this won't take
long."

----------------

 Shampoo groaned, woke up, and looked at herself.

 Ukyo groaned, woke up, and looked at herself.

 Four simultaneous screams let the cyborg know that they had
awakened.

 "You want to explain this, sugar," Ukyo said, pointing at
the Ukyo in the blue spandex. Trying to ignore the way it
looked like a second skin on her twin.

 "Hello, I am..." The Ukyo in blue paused and looked towards
Grey.

 There was an immediate temptation to name her "Lime" or
some other food substance but Grey decided not to go there
but use a similar convention. Since Ukyo meant city to the
right, and this was a mirror image of Ukyo, city to the
right would work until something better came along. "Sakyo."

 The Ukyo in blue nodded. "Hello. I am Sakyo. I am a
marionette backup of Ukyo Kuonji. My specialties are food
preparation and armed combat. Primary function: bodyguard,
secondary function: companion. My special function is
repair."

 "Wh-wha-what?" Shampoo pointed at her twin in purple
spandex, who looked curiously at Grey as well.

 Grey resisted the temptation to use the name of a hair care
product. "Shan."

 The purple-spandex clad Shampoo nodded. "Hello. I am Shan.
I am a marionette backup of Shampoo. My specialties are
too-too delicious Chinese cooking and unarmed combat.
Primary function: bodyguard, secondary function: companion.
My specialty is strength."

 "What's a marionette?"

 "It's sort of an android." Grey winced. "Except that
apparently the Mordan Corporation that owns a good section
of China and Japan in that world has learned most of the
secrets of Jusenkyo and Phoenix Mountain. The 'marionettes'
are actually twins created by a mixture of technology and
alchemy, i think. Do you remember the Beauty Parlor?"

 Four blank stares.

 "You went into a building that you thought was a spa or
something like that. You wanted the works. That... included
some stuff you probably didn't want. i think I got most of
it fixed." Grey silently prayed that he'd gotten it fixed.
"Uhm, i had to call in a favor though as you two were both
put in something called Surikomi Eggs."

 "Was that bad?" Ukyo noted the tea that Sakyo had put out
for her and tried to give her twin a smile.

 "Well, if it hadn't worked, you two would probably be the
slaves of the first person you looked at upon hatching."
Grey fidgeted. "And i was not counting on Mousse's trick
with the mirror for this, since there's a good chance that
you'd have ended up narcissists."

 "So what did you do?" Ukyo watched the guy moving around
and hoped she'd meet Ranchan soon. Otherwise, maybe she
*should* go with the cyborg. It at least wouldn't be dull.

 "Contacted Urd to see what she could do. She found a way to
set it up as an interrupt while she deciphers the spell
effect." Grey sighed in relief as it seemed to have worked.
"I broke the eggs and gave you the potion. You looked at me,
but then fell asleep immediately as Urd's potion took
effect. As it's centered on my lifeforce, all I have to
avoid is dying. You two remain yourselves and we can try
getting things back to normal." And if it did fail, they
would hunt him down and then he could try ordering them to
be free.

 Urd had thought it all quite amusing, and had been making
all sorts of suggestions as to what Grey should do if the
potion hadn't worked.

 Shan and Sakyo exchanged a glance and wondered what was to
become of *them.*

 "Where is we?" Shampoo looked around at the building, the
Chinese styling catching her attention.

 "Mount Kensei, Bayankala Mountain Range, Qinghai Province."
Grey indicated. "I did a dimensional hop as soon as we were
away from the building. Unfortunately, that means we're less
than a mile from Jusenkyo."

 Thunder crashed.

 "Nice effect," noted Ukyo.

 "Nah, storm's been building for an hour." Grey shrugged it
off.

 "Actually she mean the girl coming out of the mirror," Shan
indicated by pointing.

 Grey blinked and slumped. "Uhm, hello Belldandy. How's
Keiichi doing?"

 "Not the Belldandy," came a snide voice. "Grey, once again
you have thoroughly botched up what was supposed to be a
simple assignment."

 "Tiamat!?" Grey found himself wanting a rune weapon, meson
cannon, and a few Cosmo Knights backing him up. If the
Pheonix Mage had been present most likely the battle would
have ravaged most of China. The last world that had seen
Marduk and Tiamat physically battle had destroyed one of
their major continents.

 "Oh, stop!" The woman's eyes glowed briefly.

 Grey turned his eyes briefly to notice that Shampoo had
produced her maces, Ukyo her spatula, and both Shan and
Sakyo were attempting to flank. Unfortunately all four were
currently composed of colored marble. He winced. "Uhm.
You're not Tiamat, are you?"

 "Well, so much for THAT idea." The woman glared at him and
shucked her costume.

 "Lian Ascot, god, er, goddess of temporary positions?"

 "I really want to thank you for that job over at the
Goddess Relief Office," growled the woman at the cyborg.

 "Well, how was I to know that they were that strict about
employees? Look at the bright side, you're only female when
you're on the clock." Grey considered briefly. "Uhm, that
would mean you're here in an official capacity."

 "Yeah. Let me get this over with."

 "Uhm, before you do that, can you just paralyze them
instead of leaving them as stone - things have a tendency to
go wrong around me, y'know."

 "Tell me about it," grumbled Lian as she gestured. "Ahem.
Here's the word from on high.

 "Grey, probationary operative, you have screwed up your
simple assignment. You are to seek to minimize the
disruption. Ideally you are to act as Ranma as much as you
can. Further, you are to do this as a human, not a demon,
daemon, or cyborg.

 "Your mission is to *fill in for Ranma* not go off and
planewalk with the minor characters."

 "Yeah, yeah, yeah." Grey shrugged. "Hey, can I help it if I
like people making nice?"

 "And you are NOT allowed to kill Akane."

 "Spoilsport."

 "I mean it. Go straight to the Tendo Dojo. Akane is off
limits."

 Grey hid a smile. Well, that meant that he had to keep her
at a distance. Good. He hated abusive relationships, whether
it was back home with the wife shooting the husband, the
husband beating the wife, or if it were Akane + Ranma or
Mousse + Shampoo.

 "Oh yeah, before I go." Lian took out a remote control and
clicked two buttons. "Good. Now TRY to keep in character."
Lian vanished.

 "Pfeh, what does she think this is, a revengefic?" Grey
watched his body shift until it was an exact resemblence of
Ranma Saotome.

 "Grey?" Shampoo came up to examine the transformed boy.
"What she do?"

 "Turned me human. While it'll be nice to have a sense of
taste and all again, this is not a good thing. I'm supposed
to play the part of Ranma with minimal unarmed combat
skills."

 "You is human? You is male?" Shampoo frowned and studied
the figure.

 "Yeah, this is physically an exact duplicate of Ranma
Saotome, age 16." Grey seemed to be examining his right arm
and hand. "i wouldn't be surprised if it was down to the
genetic level. It's still me, though."

 "He male and human." Shampoo repeated in a voice of doom.
She walked back to the table and put her head down so she
could mope.

 "So you don't think you can fill Ranma's shoes, even if
it's his body?" Ukyo looked over the boy. If Ranma showed up
now, she'd know him on sight at least.

 Shan and Sakyo started reheating everyone's tea, setting
out an extra cup under the idea that now that he wasn't a
cyborg that had to worry about internal system requirements
might appreciate the gesture.

 "Look, i've got a lot of skills. Back when i was human the
first time i did a lot of jobs. Dishwasher, factory worker,
waiter, delivery driver, bricklayer, mechanic, TV repairman,
medical billing clerk, typist, retail sales, and warehouse
worker for example." Grey wrapped his hands around the
battered cup that was offered him and smiled in
appreciation. "After i was transformed into an incubus i was
a gofer, doing all sorts of scutwork for people. A bit of a
troubleshooter too, as i got my job for the Rival Relief
Office at that point. i learned more skills, but still
mainly in the role of 'Mr Fixit.' i had a chance to work in
a stardock in the United Federation of Planets, a brief
stint on a Commonwealth Rebel Transport, and a *thankfully*
brief tour of duty in charge of Penitent Souls conscripts
during a containment battle against Hell.

 "Then there was nine years on that mining colony, Tarterus.
Nasty planet. It's either rock or its trying to eat you.
That's where i became a cyborg." And something about that
world had interfered with the normal healing process,
cutting his regenerative abilities down to the point where
even a minor cut could take days to heal. Though actually he
suspected some of it was Eiris' doing.

 Ukyo blinked as Grey finally wound down. "So you're saying
you're supposed to be impersonating a martial artist, but
most of your skills don't involve fighting?"

 "Oh no, i've done a *lot* of fighting. Just not martial
arts." Grey sipped his tea and gave a sigh of contentment.
"You have no idea how long i've wanted a cup of tea. Anyway,
i've done guerilla fighting on that pokeslave world, i've
done ship to ship and longrange combat, i've even done a bit
of swordfighting and some training while i was working that
transport. Hmmm, i think i've still got the lightsaber
somewhere. The only hand-to-hand skill i've ever really
gotten past the beginner stage was Dirty Street Fighting,
and that's been a few years."

 "You're doomed." Ukyo's opinion was heartfelt.

 "On the other hand, i can tell i've got Toltiir's Binding
again." At their blank looks, Grey continued. "If i'm
killed, get clear. There'll be a burst of flames and i will
reincarnate immediately. Painful as all get out, and i
usually end up more extreme than Doctor Who ever did. If i'm
crippled, i'll either regenerate or end up with some cyborg
bits like i did this last time. No matter what the body
looks like though, another one of the clauses i slapped into
my original wish was specifically an 'anti-bimbo' effect. My
'sense of self' and intellect (such as it is) can't be
altered significantly from the outside. Typical mind control
stuff ain't gonna work on me. On the other hand, i pick up
new skills even easier than i did in my first life, plus i
can speak four languages. Before you ask: English, Japanese,
Elven, and Galacc. Can't read any of 'em besides English and
Galacc that well, basics only.

 "Since part of what i wished for (part of the anti-bimbo
clause) was competency, i've got a wild talent of sorts.
When i was a demon it was psychometry. As a cyborg it was an
odd combination of gadgets. Right now it's apparently a form
of Second Sight.

 "Which brings up an interesting observation, apparently
Shan and Sakyo may be cyborgs themselves as they've got what
look like newborn souls." Grey decided not to mention that
it looked as if they were actually Ukyo's and Shampoo's
daughters - there was that kind of pattern match, or was
this something like a maiden circuit - an electronic soul?
No, those were *human* souls and Shampoo and Ukyo were
definitely the mothers. Grey felt if he mentioned it right
now, however, all four might go into shock. All four looked
close to that point already.

 "You're... immortal?" Ukyo stared at the Ranma in front of
her.

 Shampoo lightly slapped Ukyo in the head. "Where he work?
Why not be immortal?"

 "Well, the definition they use is 'Eternal' since i can
die. i just get better." Grey shrugged. "i got a wish i
didn't want to make, so i loaded dozens of clauses on it to
make it as livable as possible. Not that i haven't
benefitted some from it. While i was working for the Rival
Relief Office, i put together a bag of tricks from things i
picked up in my travels. Some of which those Senshi stole in
my First Labor.

 "Speaking of which, you can keep Ponyta if you like,
Shampoo. You two get along better than he and i ever did."
Grey casually tossed the pokeball back to the Amazon.

 Shampoo merely caught the ball and stared at it, though she
still looked as if she was in shock over something.

 "So, anyway, because they want this timeline more or less
on track, that means i gotta go to Japan. Shampoo, you might
as well go back to your village. If they want this to be a
'canon' universe, you never stand a chance of picking up
Ranma cause you're after him to kill him at first 'cause he
beat you as a girl before you learned he was a guy. Then you
spend a lotta time trying to win him by the terms of your
own culture, forgetting *his* culture is more important to
him. Likewise, Ukyo, he can never come to terms with you
showing up as a guy, and all his memories of you from
earlier have you as a boy."

 Shampoo and Ukyo seemed to get very thoughtful at this.

 "So he ends up in a mutually abusive relationship where
he's verbally abusive and his fiancee is both verbally and
physically abusive, the two of them settling into a pattern
that lasts the rest of their lives. Akane wins his heart by
being the first girl ever to show him any kindness and the
two eventually marry due to: teenage hormones, an honor
agreement between the families Tendo & Saotome, and equal
degrees of love and hate. At that point even the mainline
splits apart. i've seen it where both of them suddenly
change personalities to a relatively normal couple, i've
seen it where Akane's violence and anger curdles within her
until it reaches a breaking point, i've seen it where Ranma
takes after his father and leaves for frequent training
trips and eventually the madness goes on to another
generation, and i've seen timelines where there's a *messy*
divorce and the two go their seperate ways.

 "i've also seen a few, where, after Akane is pregnant with
Ranma's child, he's killed. Or she suffers the same fate as
a lot of other mothers around them and dies before her child
is very old at all."

  "And I don't have a chance to prevent any of those fates?"
Ukyo was incredulous.

 "Not in anything approaching a mainline universe. Sorry.
The crossdressing and your obsessiveness kept you from
getting close, but if you'd reunited with him prior to him
reaching Nerima you might have won anyway." Grey was honest
in his opinion and responding to the question. Another might
have suggested Ukyo settle down with Tsubasa.

 "And Shampoo not have chance if pursue Amazon-style," said
Shampoo thoughtfully.

 "Yeah. AND of course, since nobody cooperated with each
other everyone got in each other's way. Except that Akane
had the home court advantage by being constantly there, if
Ranma had seen her only occasionally i doubt he would have
ever noticed her being nice just because of all the times
she was angry. Sometimes he triggered it, sometimes one of
you would trigger it, sometimes her sister would trigger it,
but you can argue causes. One popular theory about the
central mainline was that she had Rage Disorder. In THIS
timeline, originally, a guy named Tatewaki Kuno reduced
Akane AND Ranma into bimbo love-slaves using a wishing
sword. Then an alteration was made where Ranma mastered the
Catfist and became a great warrior. In that timeline he DID
marry Shampoo."

 Shampoo jerked and looked up at that.

 "However there was another alteration, some sort of outside
intervention, trying to make this a mainline and do away
with the first alteration. THAT caused Ranma to go berserk
the next time he was cornered and surrounded by cats. Like i
told y'all earlier, that's why i'm here and substituting for
Ranma. Trying to stabilize things a bit so that Ranma can be
re-introduced and then retroed."

 "So when it's fixed, will we remember any of this?" Ukyo
frowned when Grey nodded. "How can I avoid forgetting it?"

 "Sorry, only ways i can think of offhand are: if you're
offplane when the change occurs, if the timeline isn't close
enough to BE stabilized, if you're shielded by divine
intervention, or if you come up with some magical
intervention like a wish. It's not like you could simply
upload your memories and then restore from a backup." Grey
watched the rains recede from outside. "Well, that's it.
I've got to get going. Japan is a *long* walk from here."

 "Yeah, you go." Ukyo pondered something. "I'm gonna stick
around here and check out these Chinese Amazons. RIGHT,
Shampoo?"

 "Oh, yeah, yeah. You be guest of Shampoo, no problem. It
not like anybody remember this anyway. We catch up to you
later, yes? Show up much later just like originally!"

 Grey smiled and nodded back. "Okay, Shampoo. You show up in
a month and a half, and you're hunting for me to kill me.
Though i don't turn into a girl so how that's gonna work i
don't know. Ukyo shows up six months later, hunting Genma to
visit revenge upon the two who abandoned you."

 "Except that Ranma never knew. Gotcha covered, Ace." Ukyo
winked as the Ranma-impersonator left. "Shampoo?"

 "Not-the-Ranma cannot lie, always tell truth," Shampoo said
slyly. "That not mean *we* not lie."

 "Hey, I *never* gave my word to this. Now listenup you
three, I gotta plan."

-------------------

 "Lian Ascot" stepped beyond the mirror and ripped her
disguise off. Marller paused for a brief moment until a
large anvil (marked 10[34] tons) materialized over her head
and fell. As it was a Warner Brothers anvil, no permanent
damage was done.

 Urd looked down at Toltiir with wide eyes. "About time
somebody did that!"

 Toltiir managed a feline shrug. "Hey, him trying to be
Ranma ain't gonna be amusing. He'll figure out it was
misdirection eventually, but in the meantime."

 "We'll just have to figure out a way that nice things can
happen to nice people for a change." Urd nodded and started
considering where to meddle.

 "Not too fast," Toltiir cautioned. "He might die of shock."

======================================

Third Segment: no respect for the dead


 Grumbling under his breath, Grey eyed the group and tried
to play the role of Ranma. He looked the part, he dressed
the part. He just couldn't *think* the part. He was still
trying though.

 "I'm not going to marry him!" Akane yelled, glaring at
Ranma.

 "Sounds good to me," Ranma agreed. "Now that that's been
established, i'll just go find somewhere else to be."

 "BOY!" Genma's yell sent droplets of spittle flying. "You
don't have any choice about this, it is a matter of honor!"

 "So? Seems to me that if you're the Head Of Clan, the
family honor has pretty much died a long and painful death."
Ranma shrugged as he wiped spittle off his face. "All i can
deal with is MY honor. In which case, being married to some
pathetic Bruce Lee wannabe with pretensions of feminity is
not a terribly sane move."

 "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!"

 "Did i mention names?"

 "HOW DARE YOU CALL ME THAT?!"

 Ranma eased back, fully aware that his martial arts skills
were rather on the order of Hiroshi or Daisuke and nowhere
near the real Ranma's. Still, he didn't back down before
bullies. He just hoped that because this was some kind of
manga universe, that all those critics were right and Akane
was nice and kind and not really violent at all. If she
didn't do anything violent he'd apologize because she would
have proved that she wasn't a violent psychobitch. "You see
what i mean? C'mon, couldn't you give me a better choice
than this? If i'm gonna marry, couldn't it at least be
someone who has more charm than a venomous spider?"

 "WHAT?!"

 "You're in no position to be picky about women, Ranma!"
Genma wondered what was going on with Ranma, he wasn't
nearly as crude in language as usual. And where did he get a
backbone? He had the Saotome School Of Personal Interaction
down pat.

 "So you agree with me," said Ranma, trying to find Akane a
better target for her anger. Or maybe she'd literally
explode from apoplexy. It would save him a lot of trouble.

 "RANMAAAA!" Soun started going into Demonhead mode. As the
attack used the opponent's own chi against him, there was no
way an inexperienced boy could withstand it.

 "Hmmm. So *that's* what that looks like." Ranma cocked his
head to the side. "Somehow i was expecting it to look more
impressive." Maybe it had just been those years being eaten
alive by parasitic worms but some Kabuki effect just didn't
scare him.

 Soun deflated. It was almost as if the boy's chi was
pathetically low, to the extent that the feared Demonhead
was... less than effective. Or maybe there was another
explanation.

 "Hey, 'pop' i'm curious about something anyway." Ranma
looked mainly innocent and tried to ignore the still angry
girl standing next to him, though he wished he had some
marshmallows to roast if she was going to put out all this
heat. "How come the Tendo arranged marriage is so important
compared to *all the other marriages* you arranged for your
only son?"

 "Oh dear," Kasumi said, looking fairly scandalized. The
remark that Ranma had made on greeting her at the door,
about "how amazing to find someone with such a mature beauty
was still single at her age" had started all sorts of
reactions within her. So the boy was used to being sold off?
The earlier tale of Ranma's travails still echoed in her
ears and had engaged all sorts of maternal instincts.

 "This gets more and more interesting," opined Nabiki,
munching on a rice cracker. Flattery had gotten the boy
nowhere with Nabiki, of course. Sweeping in and telling her
that he hoped that Nabiki Tendo was half as good a financial
wizard as he had heard. She kind of appreciated the effort,
though. And what his father had put him through, well,
Nabiki would deny it but she wasn't completely heartless.

 "What kind of PERVERT are you?!" Akane glared and took a
seat, secretly relieved that this whole engagement thing
seemed to be getting sidetracked. Though why wasn't anyone
paying attention to HER! This was intolerable! Stupid boys!
And this guy would be worse than most with a history like
his father had described, he might well be a cereal killer!
Errr. Serial killer.

 "More than you can handle?" Ranma smirked and winked at
her. "Good! Now, 'pop' tell me why marrying a Tendo is more
important than marrying a Kuonji."

 "Eeep!" Genma eeped. "Wh-wh-wha? When did you? Hahahahaha,
you're such a kidder, Ranma."

 "What about Daikokuji? Or any of the other dozens of
fiancees you've arranged?"

 "Foolish boy! Six, at most!" Genma's eyes widened. "I mean,
it's not..."

 Ranma grinned as the hostility was at least temporarily
diverted. As this wasn't a crossover universe, some of the
more interesting possibilities weren't available. Now if it
had been like that crossover universe where Genma had gone
to college with his old buddy Jiro Kino... or the one where
Genma had promised that he would marry his firstborn to the
daughter of Yasuhori Morisato... or the one where he had
ended up engaged to an android because Genma had known the
inventor and that had qualified as a 'daughter', even that
really completely bizzare timeline where Ranma had turned
out to be the reincarnation of a swordsman named Parn and an
elf named Deedlit had arranged her own engagement.

 Hey, viewing timelines was cheap.

 "So we'll just make SURE that the Tendo marriage is done
before anyone else shows up," exclaimed Genma.

 Ranma winced as his plans got derailed.

 "Y-y-you PERVERT! You're just trying to get to some
Honeymoon? DREAM ON!" Now she knew what was going on. He was
acting like he WASN'T interested in her to get her offguard,
THEN he'd start with the perverted crap. Stupid boys!

 "With you it would be more a Nightmare worthy of Freddy
Krueger," Ranma grumbled a little louder than he had
actually intended.

 "And what exactly is wrong with my daughter?!" Soun began
to go into Demonhead again just in case the first time was a
fluke. Maybe the boy had just made a Saving Throw or
something.

 "With Kasumi? Almost nothing except she's too selfless and
not nearly prepared for all the insanity that accompanies
panda-man here. While she's beautiful, kind, and in many
ways the Traditional Japanese Wife, she's not even close to
being ready for adventures of her own." Ranma nodded at
Kasumi, thankful this wasn't like one of Bader's fics where
Kasumi would pull a leather dominatrix transformation
sequence out of nowhere and start cracking a whip. If it HAD
been, he'd be waiting for her to crack a whip and transform
into some "Magical Dominatrix Leather Kasumi" or something
like that. Or worse, one of those psychotic killer Kasumi
universes. "She's beautiful, charming, kind, and gentle.
Deserving far better than myself, of course."

 "Oh my," Kasumi said, coloring slightly. She wasn't like
that, was she?

 "Nabiki, on the other hand, is a bit too vicious, too
mercenary, and entirely too manipulative. While she could
become a fun, intellectually stimulating, and decent human
being if you could cut through all that, she's got more
thorns than i'm comfortable with. Just her tendency to treat
other people as objects and usual attitude of 'profit uber
alles' is a major turnoff." Ranma seemed to consider her
briefly. "When she wants to be, she can be as sexy and
charming as any cinema vixen, plus she's got the makings of
a financial genius if she can get out of her 'quick buck'
fixation and into the serious planning. But engage me to her
right now and she'll sell your precious dojo for tea money."

 "Huh?" Nabiki's rice cracker almost fell from her grasp.
How did he know her this well? She wasn't like that, was
she? OK, maybe a little... Sexy, huh?

 "And then there's Akane. Give me a #$!@#% break!" Ranma
frowned as he regarded the Tendo patriarch. "She's no good
at anything traditionally feminine, and pretty damn poor at
a lot of modern skills. In some ways it's as if your
daughters were one woman broken into three pieces. Kasumi
got the most spiritual nature, the kindness, the traditional
skills and mature beauty. Nabiki got the raw sexiness, the
intellectual edge, the mischievous and playful side. Akane
was thrown together from everything discarded from the other
two."

 "WHAT?!" Akane was standing again and progressively growing
angrier. "You-you-you!"

 Ranma winced but noted that Soun was still waiting. Nothing
to do but go on with it, and he couldn't lie directly. "i
find her neither physically nor emotionally attractive, nor
would i feel any sort of intellectual stimulation around
her. Nausea, perhaps. She's a bully, violent, and spiteful.
There are times when she makes the effort to be cute and
nice and kind, but only on her terms, and mainly she
operates on levels of pride and the assumption that because
she's Akane Tendo she can do and get away with anything. Her
martial arts skills are among the most basic - she can break
things. Period. There's..."

 "YOU JERK!" Akane kicked the boy out into the backyard.
"YOU...." Words were failing her, she had passed mere anger.

 "Can't handle the truth, Akane?" Ranma pulled himself up,
wincing at the pain where it felt as if a rib might have
broken. "Proving my point about you being no better than
Kuno or any of those boys you..."

 Akane brought her arms down from where she'd lifted the
massive stone lantern and thrown it at the boy, who'd tried
to scramble out of the way only to slip. She stared at where
the boy's head seemed to have vanished below the stone,
almost as if the neck were now merged to the carved stone.

 Kasumi crossed herself.

 Nabiki's rice cracker hit the table.

 "M-m-m-my son?" Genma stared. Ranma should be bouncing back
up. Why wasn't he bouncing back up?

 "A-Akane. You..." Soun stared, he'd known that Akane had
been developing a temper problem. Well, it was the boys
fault. If he hadn't wanted to be splattered into little
gobbets of goo, he shouldn't have said those things.

 "Waitaminute, you said he was a martial artist," Akane
said, unable to tear her gaze away from the red spray around
the impact site now that it was penetrating what THAT was.
"He should have been able to take that. It wasn't my fault!"

 The body flared with golden light as Toltiir's Binding
activated. The light died and Ranma groaned and sat up from
a few feet away. "Oh man. i died, *again*? That one *really*
hurt."

 "R-R-Ranma?!" Kasumi stared at the slightly charred place
on the ground, that had a silhoutte similar to the boy
sitting in the grass. "How did you?" Kasumi locked up as she
realized the boy had *died* and then gotten back up.

 "Oh, anybody got some Tylenol? Oh, if i die, i reincarnate.
If i'm severely wounded, i regenerate. Problem is, it hurts
like hell." Ranma staggered up and leaned on one of the
rocks surrounded the koi pond. "Also I'm never the same
twice."

 "Then we can have the marriage right away!" Soun beamed and
clapped Genma on the shoulder.

 "WHAT?!" Ranma and Akane chorused. "NO WAY!"

 "After all, even if she kills you, you'll pop back up again
in no time. Very clever, Saotome!"

 "Thank you, Tendo," Genma laughed and clapped Soun's
shoulder back. Privately Genma was troubled as well as
elated. How *had* he taught the boy this technique? OF
COURSE! It must be another side effect of his Jusenkyo
curse!

 Ranma twitched. Obviously, even being vaguely reasonable
was too much. There was only one course of action left open
to him. "SAOTOME FINAL TECHNIQUE! Run away!"

 Everyone blinked as the person they believed was Ranma
fled.

 There was a long pause before Soun and Genma erupted from
the table to give chase.

 Unfortunately for Ranma/Grey, as he was no longer a cyborg
and never an expert martial artist, he was a lot slower than
Soun OR Genma.

-------------------

 Soun and Genma were celebrating that they had brought Ranma
back. Akane was angry and sulking.

 Which meant that the tied up ersatz Ranma was being guarded
by two other members of the Tendo household.

 Nabiki broke the uncomfortable silence after about a half
hour. "NONE of this makes sense."

 "Nabiki?" Kasumi watched her sister remove the gag from
Ranma's mouth.

 "Okay, talk. Your dad's been telling us you went insane at
Jusenkyo. I want some answers and I want them now." Nabiki's
gaze was flat as she stared into Ranma's eyes.

 "If this is gonna take awhile would you mind letting me go
to the bathroom? It's been a really long time..."

 "Oh dear." Kasumi winced.

 "You're not getting away that easy, bub." Nabiki frowned.
Of course, he was right. It *had* been at least four hours
since his arrival.

 "i *really* gotta go."

 "OK, I'll just come in there with you." Nabiki smirked.
Let's see how serious he was.

 "WHAT?! Oh yeah, this is Japan. You bathe together. I think
I remember something about unisex bathrooms. Could'ja just
look elsewhere then?" Ranma, it should be said, was quite
serious.

 Nabiki and Kasumi returned with the prisoner five minutes
later, Nabiki's bluff called and raised.

 "Oh my," repeated Kasumi for what seemed the fiftieth time.

 "Urd must have taken liberties," Ranma shrugged. "It's not
my fault."

 "Uh yeah," managed a distracted Nabiki. "Uhm. Yeah, I got
questions."

 "Well, after that, i'm inclined to pay you back. Ask, and
if i can, i'll answer you honestly." Grey sighed. They'd
even untied him when it was obvious that the circulation in
his arms had been cut off. He was still trying to convince
his arms to move on their own.

 "You died. Boom. Splat." Nabiki noticed how Kasumi had
flinched at the sound effect. "Sorry, Kasumi. You don't know
Japanese customs worth squat. You remembered to take your
shoes off, but didn't remember the house slippers, and you
just dumped your shoes in an empty spot instead of arranging
them. There were a few other slips like offering to help
Kasumi in the kitchen. No JAPANESE male would do that,
particularly in a stranger's house. And you seem to know us.
How?"

 "That's more than one question," Ranma pointed out.

 "OK." Nabiki thought about government agencies and the
like, or maybe this was some sort of scam. "Who do you work
for?"

 "Heaven."

 "I thought you were going to be honest."

 "i am honest. In fact, i cannot directly lie. Rules of my
employment." Ranma shrugged. "You asked me where i worked. i
work for the Rival Relief Office, Asgard. A sort of
troubleshooting agency."

 "You work for Heaven? Prove it!" Nabiki didn't like to be
made fun of.

 "Hmmm, okay. Where's your phone?"

 Nabiki led Ranma to the phone and watched as the boy
clumsily put in a long set of numbers, a very long set of
numbers.

 "Hmph, this better not be long distance, Saotome."

 "Hello? Einherjar Training Hall 67B? Grey here. According
to my scans, there's a Kimiko Tendo there? Can you put her
on? Thanks."

 Nabiki and Kasumi stared.

 "Hello? Kimiko Tendo? This is Grey, guardian daemon
trainee. Fine, thanks. Listen, this call will probably get
me in even *more* hot water but i figured you'd want a
chance to talk with your daughters and this was what i came
up with. Thanks, you too." Ranma looked over at Kasumi.
"Kasumi. She wants to talk to you first."

 Kasumi was timid as she began listening, her eyes starting
as she remembered the voice on the other line. Tear tracks
formed in very short order as she murmurred indistinct
replies. Soon Nabiki and Kasumi were trying to share the
phone and simultaneously laugh and cry and come apart. The
voice, and the feel, fit. Things that only a member of the
family could know were spoken of, an identity confirmed.

 Ranma gave them some room. If *anything* qualified as a
private family moment, this would be on the list. He
considered fleeing again, but decided against it. Honor. Not
the original Ranma's honor, but a sense of honor
nonetheless.

 "YOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Akane glared at the boy, then
looked questioningly at her sisters.

 "A-Akane!" Nabiki held the phone up, trembling and with a
shining face. "It's Mommy! She..."

 Akane stormed down the stairs and took the phone. "WHATEVER
KIND OF TRICK THIS IS, IT ISN'T GOING TO WORK!" Slamming the
phone down, Akane turned the full force of her glare at
Ranma. Unaware of the shocked looks turning near-murderous
behind her. "Whatever kind of scam you and that father of
yours are pulling, leave my family OUT OF IT!"

 "i'm trying," Ranma admitted.

 "Try harder!" Akane continued her path to the kitchen.

 "Can you..." Nabiki looked hopefully at the phone.

 "Nope. If i try again, they'll expect it and intercept it."
Ranma shook his head sadly. "i remember scanning this
timeline earlier, and that your mother died of injuries
incurred when a pedophile tried to break in while your
father was away. Which is one reason he's an emotional
basketcase. Since your mother died of battle in a Cause
(protecting her home from an invader), i checked and found
she'd been accepted as an einherjar - one of the warriors of
Asgard.

 "i might be able to get letters delivered, but it's tricky
and i haven't got THAT many favors left i can call in.
There's a lot of rules about that sort of thing, and it's
mainly a lot of THOU CANNOT kind of stuff." Ranma shrugged
and gave a crooked smile.

 Kasumi nodded. Then fainted as this had been entirely too
much. Even after three days of having a sometimes-panda as a
houseguest. Ranma tried to catch her but his arms were still
in the pins-and-needle stage.

 Not feeling so good herself, Nabiki realized she needed
some serious thinking time. And right now she couldn't think
straight. "Okay, we're going to Kasumi's room. Put her on
the bed, I'll take a position near the door. YOU aren't
going anywhere till I've straightened this out."

 Ranma frowned slightly. "Then i don't think i'm going
anywhere for awhile."

-------------

 Nabiki's thought finally stopped whirling after a few hours
and a brief nap. Looking across the room at where Ranma was
curled up on the floor, she was continuing to work through
some of the angles but had come to several conclusions.

 1)     Ranma could be polite, kind, and even thoughtful. To
anyone EXCEPT Akane and his Father. His suggestion that if
they wanted to unite the families, that Akane and Genma
should marry, did not go over particularly well.

 2)  Ranma might be insane, but if so it was a sort of
insanity that affected the Reality around him. Speaking to
her dead mother had been convincing. That HAD been her
mother. She'd devised a couple of verbal traps, and both had
been neatly defused. She's sounded like Mother, her choice
of words had been like Mother, she'd known them like Mother.
Ergo: Nabiki had spoken with her dead Mother. Whom Ranma
told her was now a warrior in Viking Heaven.

 3)  Ranma was an absolute jerk when it came to Akane and
his father, could be quite rude and vicious when he felt
threatened, and came across as somewhat shy around Kasumi.

 Nabiki regarded the figure carefully when her attention was
caught by Kasumi's movement from her bed. Kasumi held a
finger across her lips and pointed at the boy.

 Nabiki returned her scrutiny and saw what Kasumi had seen
now that she was looking AT him instead of merely looking in
his direction while thinking.

 Expressions passing across the boy's face: horror, pain,
anguish, despair. Twitching muscles, an occasional snarl or
grimace, hands clenching. Occasionally Nabiki would see
anger show, but the other emotions were a lot more frequent.
Nabiki wondered what Ranma had gone through...

 Genma's words came back to Nabiki and she knew that they
had already occurred to Kasumi. "Well, there was the Catfist
training, and there was the Touched Soul, and the..." A long
litany had followed. Using the boy as barter for food. Using
his son as a human punching bag to teach him toughness.
There had been a lot of terms from martial arts training
that Nabiki hadn't immediately placed, but she'd been
sufficiently intrigued to remember them. And then asked
Doctor Tofu about them with the idea of selling the info to
Akane about special martial arts techniques. After the
details of the Touched Soul, Catfist, Oceanborn, and Lion's
Cub training had been explained, Nabiki had given up the
idea of her sister learning them.

 Nabiki looked back to Kasumi who winced every time Ranma
twitched until she finally crawled back under her covers to
face away from the boy on the floor.

 Then that last line of Genma's came back to Nabiki, and
even the Ice Queen, mercenary ruler of Furinkan, flinched.
"...and then there was that time I sold him to some
pedophiles. But I stole him back before they'd gotten too
involved." How involved was too involved?

 Sleep was a long time coming for Nabiki. Between this and
the words of her mother, she had a lot to think about.

--------------------

 "Oh wow, an obento!" Ranma looked at the funny little box
wrapped in a napkin and wondered if he could remember more
of this stuff. He hoped there wasn't any eel in there. He
hated eel. Octopus was okay, as long as it was cooked and
breaded. But eel was way too gamey.

 "RANMA! You must go to school!" Genma glared at his son.

 "Oh. Twist my arm. Gee. Oh the pain. i actually have to get
away from my imbecile father for eight hours a day. Oh, what
a tragedy!"

 Nabiki surprised herself by giggling. Naturally the moment
she caught herself, she pulled her dignity around her like a
cloak. Nobody would accuse her of giggling like a
schoolgirl! She noticed Ranma gave her a grin and found
herself smiling back until the treasonous expression could
be caught.

 "You MUST get an education, son! It is for the good of the
Anything Goes dojo!"

 "Ya mean i can't be a parasite on society like yerself?"
Ranma tsked. "Oh well, guess that means i'll just haveta get
going. Thank you, Kasumi-chan! C'mon, Nabiki-sempai, let's
get out of here before yer little sister shows her face and
ruins my day."

 "I HEARD THAT!"

 "Too late."

 "AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING, SLEEPING IN MY SISTER'S ROOM?!"

 "Keeping my word that i wouldn't run away," Ranma said,
cocking his head to the side. "Besides, what concern is it
of yours?"

 "Jerk! Eeep!"

 Soun realized that he had knocked aside his youngest
daughter and spared a moment to apologize. "RANMA! YOU SPENT
THE NIGHT WITH TWO OF MY DAUGHTERS?!"

 "We invited him, besides, how else were we to keep an eye
on him like you wanted?" Nabiki smirked at her father.

 Soun turned grey and fell over as if he had turned to
stone.

 "Oh, father, father, father."

 Genma brightened. If Nodoka heard about THAT she surely
would conclude that Ranma was manly! "Kasumi, Nabiki, BOTH
of you?"

 Kasumi blushed and tried to explain. "Well, we invited him
in. But all we did was sleep together."

 Nabiki snorted as she tried to keep from chortling openly.
Akane's face was especially precious. Nearly as shocked as
Ranma's. Genma was crying tears of happiness, while her
father was so shocked he wasn't even crying.

 Ranma left the house abruptly, not wanting to get further
involved, and *knowing* with absolutely certainty that no
matter what he said it would be taken wrong. Of course, then
he stopped at the gate with the realization that he had no
idea how to get to Furinkan High School.

 Kasumi tried once more to explain, but she was still a bit
rattled from the day before and trying to make sense out of
events she didn't quite grasp yet. "Well, we wanted to thank
him for..." Kasumi's voice trailed off as she tried to think
of a way to explain speaking over the phone to her deceased
mother. "Errr. And we had to bathe with him..." Kasumi got
even more flustered as she realized what that had sounded
like. "I mean..."

 Nabiki made a strangled noise as she lunged for the door,
feeling even her iron control dissolving.

 Kasumi made a final attempt with what scraps of dignity she
could gather together, blushing furiously. "I mean that he
was a perfect..."

 Akane blew up at this point, covering her ears and
screaming as she lunged out the door. She couldn't bear
hearing any more of this. THAT PERVERT! How he had seduced
her two sisters was beyond Akane's ken, but Ranma would be
punished!

 And what was *she* - chopped liver? How dare he seduce her
sisters and not even look at her! She'd teach him a lesson!
Akane stopped, went over the last two thought processes, and
frowned. So THAT was it! He was trying to get her jealous so
that SHE would approach HIM! THAT PERVERT!

 Soun gradually uncurled as an idea penetrated. "SAOTOME!"

 "Tendo?" Genma had a peculiar smile as he watched Kasumi
hurry to her room and lock the door. ~Heh, chip off the old
block.~

 "If he sleeps with Akane, the future of the dojo is
assured!"

 Genma smiled at his old friend. "Soun, old boy, that's just
what I was thinking. After all, that is *one* way to cut
through a lot of the hostilities. Work off tensions. Get to
know each other better."

 "So it's Soun..."

 "and Genma's..."

 They chorused the last line. They'd done something like
this since grade school, after all. "OPERATION SLEEPOVER!"

 Crackle. Thoom.

-------------------------

 Ranma walked alongside Nabiki, wondering how he was going
to fake knowledge of kanji, much less Japanese history. The
translation program had worked okay so far, but wasn't there
some sort of entrance exam for Japanese High School?
Nobunaga Oda and Ieyasu Tokugawa weren't likely to come up
in American High School, and he couldn't even name all the
US Presidents. And there was also the problem of having
viewed so many divergent timelines.

 "...so act you don't know me. That way I can set the odds
on everything. You're in the same class as Akane, so just
try to get along with her."

 Ranma flinched. "That knuckle-dragging barbarian?" Well,
maybe he could make up for Japanese History in the English
classes.

 <WHAM!>

 Akane looked down from her 5'0" height at the fallen boy.
"YOU LEAVE MY SISTERS ALONE! AND WHO ARE YOU CALLING A
BARBARIAN, YOU JERK!"

 "Ranma! Try not to die before school, it's bad form!"
Nabiki called over her shoulder.

 Wiping spittle off his face, Ranma nodded. "Okay, tell ya
what, Tendo. You lay off the hostility and name-calling, and
so will i. Good enough?"

 Akane snarled and started towards the school. "Don't even
presume to lay down terms to me. I have no use for a
spineless wimp like you. You have *no* martial arts skills."

 Ranma sighed. "And HOW long is it going to take for this
timeline to stabilize? i wonder how the real Ranma is
doing..."

 Ranma got within sight of the battle as Akane beat on a
fair number of hormone-crazed jocks who were stupid enough
to accept Tatewaki Kuno as their spokesman. "It's not as
if... " Ranma stopped as something occurred to him. "i will
*never* be able to fill Ranma's shoes acting AS Ranma. So
why not try to fill Ranma's shoes as *me*?"

 Ranma got to the school, started across the yard, and was
immediately accosted by a raging kendoist.

 "You there, what is your name?"

 "Gre--  Ranma Saotome. Whatsit to ya, Kuno?" The pigtailed
boy continued making for the doors, as obviously Kuno
wouldn't be a problem because Ranma had no interest in
Akane, right?

 "FIEND! I have learned of your intention to steal the fated
Bride Of Kuno! Have at thee!" <SLASH>

 "Eeep!" Ranma ducked and reached inside his school uniform.
Well, at least this was sword fighting, so he had a chance.

 Seeing his foe crouched before him helpless, Kuno raised
the bokken up over his head preparatory to cutting this
knave in half.

 <VSSSSSHHHHHHHH> <VUM VUM VUM> <Wsssshhhhhhhhh.clik>

 Kuno blinked. His foe had moved. There was a cold breeze
blowing from somewhere.

 A voice from a second story window stated the obvious.
"Nabiki? Am I imagining things or did that boy produce a
lightsaber and cut all of Kuno's outer clothing off, leaving
the 'Shooting Star' of Furinkan High School standing in a
pair of 'Urotsukidoji' boxer shorts?"

 Nabiki's interest was further piqued. ~Speaks with the dead
by phone call and carries a lightsaber? What other secrets
do you have, Ranma Saotome?~ "That's what it looks like, all
right."

 Akane looked from where Kuno was standing with a look of
shock on his face, to where Ranma was now entering the
school building, and back to Kuno. "That... that... JERK! He
wasn't fighting me for real!"

 Kuno lowered the blunt rod of what had once been a bokken
as a cold breeze blew bits of his clothing across the yard.
"Saotome, how dare you use foul sorceries to disrobe me!"
~And how can the great Tatewaki Kuno get a sword like that?~

----------------

 The door came flying open. Ranma winced, expecting it to be
Tatewaki Kuno.

 "Hey, teach, just got paperwork done to be student here.
Got open desk?"

 Ranma raised his head slowly to confirm what his ears were
telling him.

 "Hmmm. Seems to be in order. But class is already in
progress and you're NOT wearing a school uniform."

 "Well," Shampoo said with a shrug that did interesting
things to her "Yes, they're real" t-shirt, "sorry my
Japanese not very goodly. If someone help with Japanese,
Shampoo help them with English, yes?"

 "Shampoo Jones, transfer student from Los Angeles
California?" The teacher looked her over. "You're American?
Well, *that* explains a lot. Hasn't anyone explained the
uniform code yet?"

 "Shampoo try very hard fit in, but not have lot of time do
so yet!" Shampoo bowed to the class. "Am Shampoo. Very
pleased to meet you!" Shampoo bowed again.

 Two of the more hormonally overloaded boys fainted, massive
nasal hemorraghes in place.

 "Aiyaaa." Shampoo looked at the mess, then smiled and took
a chair next to Ranma without further prompting. "Shampoo do
best she can. Oh, maybe neighbor with kind eyes help?"

 "Yeah, sure," Ranma frowned thoughtfully, wondering what
Shampoo was hoping to accomplish. Why hadn't she waited? Had
she been kicked out of her village? Did she still have
Ponyta? In that vein, maybe he should let his other pokemon
out. They were essentially in stasis in a pokeball but they
needed to get out every so often anyway.

 Hiroshi and Daisuke eyed the cuteness of Akane, then back
to the American exchange student. And you *know* what they
said about Americans. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. And that
T-shirt. And those tight jeans. And those cowboy boots.
Hiroshi and Daisuke were perilously close to joining the
nosebleed section.

 Akane looked at that pervert who was threatening the
stability of her household (that would be Ranma), then at
the foreign bimbo next to him. It occurred to her, putting a
faint smile on Akane's face, that if she could get Ranma and
Miss Jones together then he'd leave her house and her life
would return to normal.

 The class continued, though many minds were not anywhere
near the current lesson.

----------------------

 Ranma noticed the girl sit down next to him, fairly close
but as they were both sitting with their backs to the tree,
that wasn't so unexpected. "Okay, Shampoo, what are you up
to?"

 "Oh, Mister Saotome, I just want sit down and eat lunch. Is
OK? Not know anyone here." Shampoo smiled, causing two guys
watching in the distance to faint.

 "That beauty salon treatment is really something, I guess."
Ranma noted the light make up. "Or... wait a minute. Cell
dye?"

 "Not wearing makeup. Shampoo just look better each day."
Shampoo looked over at the obento. "You not eat your squid?"

 "Go ahead." Ranma offered her the piece of inverterbrate
which she daintily plucked with a pair of chopsticks and
happily gulped. "What about Ponyta?"

 "Mousse mistake for suitor and attack. Ponyta respond with
Ember attack. Shampoo leave after putting out fires. Could
have used Squirtle. Village not fireproof, very difficult we
put out fires."

 "Uh oh. Here comes the floor show," Ranma groaned as he saw
Akane striding directly for him.

 "That Akane? Girl you have to make nice-nice with? Shampoo
offer sympathy."

 "HEY! You jerk! How come you never fought me the way you
did Kuno?" Akane glared down at the boy picking at his
lunch.

 "Well, there goes my appetite. What, Tendo? Did you want me
to slice your clothes off?"

 "Just fight me for real, damn you. I've heard Mister
Saotome talking to my dad about you inheriting the dojo.
Well, that dojo is MINE! I am the Heir of the Anything Goes
style, and you aren't anywhere NEAR my level!"

 "True, at least in martial arts. Now that this has been
established, do you mind leaving and letting me get on with
my lunch?"

 Shampoo giggled.

 "So you *are* a coward!" Akane frowned as the boy continued
to sit there. "Aren't you going to fight me?"

 Ranma blinked up at her. "If i valued your opinion, even in
the slightest, your name calling would bother me. i don't,
so it doesn't."

 "GET UP AND FIGHT ME!"

 "Okay, Shampoo do." Shampoo got up and dusted her jeans
off. Again causing a couple of watching boys to collapse
from hormonal overload.

 Akane looked at the American girl's manicure, not sensibly
trimmed as a martial artist would do. This American wasn't
even in a proper martial arts stance. "Get real. I'm
challenging Ranma. Stay back or you're gonna get hurt."

 "Shampoo?"

 "Not now, Airen. Shampoo gonna kick this girl's behind so
bad she be tasting Shampoo's toenail polish."

 "I warned you," stated Akane, throwing a punch. She didn't
intend to harm this weak American, just scare her off. Then
Miss Jones would leave Ranma alone, and Akane could make
friends with her after Akane had gotten Ranma out of her
life. And if she had to be meaner and more bad tempered than
at any other point in her life to drive Scam-artist & Son
out of her family's life, so be it!

 Ranma grumbled and sat back against the tree.

 Shampoo smiled, altered her stance slightly, and kicked
Akane in the stomach. HARD. No, she wasn't thinking about
how Grey had described any timeline where she came in second
best or worst behind a girl who equated love and violence.
(Reminded her of can't-get-a-clue Mousse.) No, it didn't
occur to her even for a moment that when she and Ukyo had
snuck a couple of Ranma tapes out of Grey's backpack that
she really disliked playing also ran to someone who referred
to her constantly as a bimbo. The thought that if she got
rid of this Akane, that *she* would then have the coveted
position of True Fiancee never crossed her mind.

 "Oooopppphhggg," said Akane, reassessing the other girl's
skill level slightly.

 Shampoo did a legsweep, knocking Akane down, then flipped
away.

 "Oh, well, you won't take me by surprise again!" Akane
started getting up, scowling slightly. What was this girl
doing? Weren't Americans supposed to be couch potatos?

 "Jones Special Attack! Ponyta- I choose you!" Shampoo
bounced a baseball-like object off Akane's head.

 Akane rubbed the point of impact when a white horse, with
mane and tail of flame, appeared in front of her. "What
the..."

 Shampoo smirked and put a black cowboy hat on. "Ponyta!
Stomp!" As Akane sailed over the fence and off school
grounds, Shampoo leapt onto her fire horse's back and rode
around the school three times whooping and hollering.

 Hiroshi and Daisuke watched the ersatz cowgirl and agreed.
She HAD to be American. Maybe she was just confused about
using Chinese phrases in her Japanese. And, of course, they
were *just* the people to educate the girl.

-------------

a small planet, 13.4 billion light years away:

 "Okay, Urd. What did that potion do?" Toltiir was so
distracted that he changed form three times before he turned
into a Ghastly sort of pokemon briefly.

 Urd sat back on her cloud and appeared to be mainly
focussing her attention on filing her nails. "You know Grey.
Him dying was inevitable. Though I admit I thought it would
be his luck that would do him in, instead of his mouth."

 "True, his intense dislike for Akane seems to mainly
manifest in him ripping into her verbally." Toltiir shifted
from a flaming fanged black ball to a Rubik's cube. "But I'm
not easily distracted, Norn. What did you do with the
potion? Normally, the Surikomi Eggs cause a bond of
obedience and the victim views the Master as a trusted
parent."

 "Grey would freak at being *anyone's* master under some
form of mind control. His assignment would be abandoned as
he went off to find some way of breaking it." Urd glanced up
to see Toltiir had taken one of those eyes-edgewise forms
and shuddered. She promptly returned her attention to
nail-filing. Those there/not-there things always gave her
the creeps. "On the other hand, what do you know of his love
life?"

 "Let's see. There was Becky, Dale, Aya, Mariko, Shoko,
Lynn, Debbie, Melissa..."

 Urd waved the Elder silent, noting that he now looked like
an razorbeak except that the flying omnivores didn't usually
wear a black tuxedo. "Even before you turned him into a
daimon, he was used by many women. Then discarded when
better prospects appeared or when certain facts were
revealed. His uncertain health, lack of money, lack of
height - and eventually lack of confidence. He never made
any effort to conceal his allergies or lung problems, and
that counted poorly against him as well. He never did learn
not to put all his cards on the table.

 "So... he's come to the rescue, only to be passed over.
Repeatedly. He even admitted that to Lita Storm when the two
met on his First Labor, and she immediately plastered
herself to the Phoenix Mage when given the chance to do so.
Despite, one might add, the crowded playing field there."

 "Well, yes, but it was funny." Toltiir didn't care if bad
or good or ugly. Funny was his main concern. "And I *was*
hoping Cologne would fall for him."

 "He would have found a way to flee the timeline if you put
THAT kind of pressure on him." Urd waggled a finger at what
was currently a green frog still in a tuxedo. "And AFTER you
transformed him? The same thing started happening again.
Miya dumped him because he was a full conversion cyborg and
didn't have the equipment. Even though it was a temporary
condition. He tried briefly dating Edema, but she's into the
leather and whips thing and that killed any chance of a deep
relationship with him. He's the cuddlesome type. On that
Pokemon world, he had a relationship beginning with that
researcher girl Holly. Then she stole most of his acquired
pokemon and ran off in the night. The thing is, he's fallen
in love before and it has *never* been returned. Sensitive
caring guys in standard American cultures are seen as
disposable assets.

 "So... it was irresistable for the Cupid of Love!"

 "Eros?" Toltiir looked around in his Robin Goodfellow
guise. "Don't see him anywhere."

 Urd impacted the elf with a large mallet, only to be
annoyed by him folding in the manner of an accordian and
playing a small tune. "NO. I meant, of course, myself. In
this timeline, he really does have someone who loves him!
Plural, in fact."

 Toltiir, now a pink tiger, hacked up a furball. It squealed
and ran around in circles. "In THIS timeline? Urd, look at
the way it originally turned out! Ranma and Akane were
turned into loving slavesluts of Tatewaki Kuno. This is a
Darkline. If those two marionettes try anything there's a
good chance they'll die. Besides they look just like Shampoo
and Ukyo, things are confusing enough without getting two
pairs of twins involved."

 Urd pouted slightly, annoyed that Toltiir had figured it
out. "I just modified the eggs so that Shampoo and Ukyo
would view Grey as their not-so-intelligent little brother
that needed to be protected. I kept the dominant angle, but
altered the way it was expressed so that it's more of a
desire as opposed to a compulsion."

 "Except that you got some details wrong," Toltiir displayed
the ingredients and equations of the potion on a cloud. He
could bestir himself and do the analysis himself, but if you
had to explain the joke it wasn't worth it, so he rarely put
out the effort.

 Urd blinked. "Oh my."

 "Uh huh,"  a black haired version of Nabiki said with a
smirk across her face. Toltiir finally noticed his shifting
form and stabilized, this time as a television set with
George Burns as a TV newsanchor on the display.

 "Waitaminute, what's SHE doing there?" Urd managed to sound
slightly distressed.

 "Who? There are an awful lot of 'hers' out there y'know."

 Urd regarded the television set briefly. "You know what I
mean. That 'Princess Fatora' clone. That female version of
Ataru Moroboshi/Happosai. That..."

 "Oh, you mean Starch? She got intrigued by watching Shampoo
riding Ponyta, plus the entire idea of doing two sets of
well endowed identical twins at once." The screen version of
George looked mildly amused. "You know all 'Bet' timelines
are 'Bring Your Own Villain' and Starch is a ready made
rival."

-----------

 Ranma tugged nervously on his pigtail, walking out of the
school with one girl while another glared daggers at him
from a few feet away. He hoped that Akane would just stay
there and chat with her friends. "Uhm, so where are you
staying, Shampoo?"

 "Right now am staying at School." Shampoo hopped slightly
over a puddle from an earlier storm. "Shampoo get to teach
English to Japanese. Is fun! Shampoo very good at English
now!"

 "That's good." Ranma mused for a moment. "What about Ukyo,
Shan, and Sakyo?"

 "Ukyo come along but have to make trip to wrap up loose
ends in Osaka. Shan and Sakyo with her." Shampoo glanced
slyly out of the corner of her eyes at Ranma. "Grey miss
thems?"

 "Call me Ranma now," Grey advised. "That's my job for
awhile."

 "Okay, Ranma." Shampoo smiled mysteriously. "Ranma remember
what happen in Shampoo's Village? You remember defeat
Shampoo?"

 Ranma backed off slightly. "Hey, i am not the real Ranma.
You know that."

 "Ranma! Hold up!"

 Both turned to see Nabiki come running up.

 Panting slightly, Nabiki looked between the two, her
expression unreadable. Finally she caught her breath and
tried to look unconcerned. "That horse that was here
earlier..."

 "C'mon, Shampoo, i'll introduce you to Kasumi and Nabiki,
and we can talk there." Ranma gestured and tried to figure
out where the Tendo dojo was.

 "It's THIS way, Ranma-kun." Nabiki gestured. "I take it you
don't want to repeat this a lot."

 "Yeah. Kasumi might need to know because she cleans. Genma
and Soun do *not* need to know. Akane doesn't have a lot of
self control. If I get your promise not to spread the
information any further, without my permission, I can tell
you and Kasumi at the same time."

 "You think you can trust?" Shampoo eyed Nabiki, having seen
actions she considered less than trustworthy on that tape.

 "Well, if not, you can always feed Nabiki to your Ponyta."

 Nabiki paled slightly and wondered if Ranma were joking. He
*sounded* like he was joking. On the other hand, Shampoo
looked serious about it. Oh dear.

 "HOLD IT YOU!" Akane ran to catch up with the three.
"Ranma, you coward, letting some bimbo fight your battles
for you!"

 Shampoo frowned. Nabiki frowned. Ranma groaned.

 "Look, it's one of the constants of the setting. 'Ranma
does not hit Akane.' The one time he's actually ready to
fight her for real, in the Battle Dogi chapters, she lets
him know that if he actually hits her she'll never forgive
him. And it is also revealed that her family was aware that
she's *always* been operating under that philosophy. So,
what's the point of me fighting you?" Ranma checked the way
the wind was blowing, forming a plan. He didn't count the
koi rod fight as that wasn't really Ranma...

 "What are you talking about NOW? Just fight!" Akane went
into a ready stance.

 "Well, it isn't how Ranma would handle this," Ranma said,
pulling a sphere out of his vest, "but here goes. Pepe! i
choose you!"

 Akane's eyes widened as she saw a black and white striped
form appear out of the shimmering light.

 Pepe looked at Akane and waggled his eyebrows. "Ah, mon
petite femme Pokemon Trainer? You wish to do battle with me,
perhaps? But I can think of many more pleasurable activities
we might engage in, non?"

 "Stay away you PERVERT!" Akane sent a punch at the odd
creature, only to have it grab her fist and kiss it. Akane
gritted her teeth and her hair was standing up as Pepe
started kissing his way up her arm. Her nose twitched as a
scent reached her nostrils.

 "Ah, l'amour! Ah, du jour! Ah, le tour! Ahhhhh!"

 "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Akane fled, at high speeds, scrambling
to get away.

 Pepe waggled his eyebrows as he watched the girl fleeing.
"Ah, she is the shy one, is she not? What quaint courtship
rites they have here. But wait, Pepe knows what his part is
to be in this game. If one runs, then the other must pursue,
no?"

 Watching Pepe bounce off into the distance, Ranma was
unsurprised to see Nabiki and Shampoo hiding.

 "That was Pepe," said Nabiki in a wondering voice from her
place of concealment behind a trashcan.

 "She know of Pepe?" Shampoo had been a little distressed to
learn of the psuedo-French skunk herself. After all, if he
had been used to defeat her back at the village...

 "That was PEPE LE PEW!"

 "i've been to a few really bizarre worlds," agreed Ranma.
"Well, let's get going!"

===================

 The Reluctant Bet
 Fourth Segment: Kasumi has a ball!


 "...and so i'm Ranma, but it's more a job description than
i'm THE Ranma. i've visited a few dozen timelines, picked up
souveniers and gadgets along the way, and generally gotten
the short end of the stick. i'm supposed to play the part of
Ranma until the timeline stabilizes enough that it merges
with another existing line. Most of those involved want me
to follow the script for the mainline, but i think that's
pretty much screwed."

 Shampoo nodded with a glance towards her pokeball. She
loved her Ponyta and could hardly imagine having to give him
up.

 Nabiki thought about where she had just seen Akane, being
pursued by Pepe Le Pew, running at better speeds than Akane
had ever managed in Gym. She nodded in agreement, thinking
that this probably hadn't happened in whatever the original
timeline was. "So what happens to us when this timeline
merges with the mainline the way these others want?"

 Grey winced, but he wasn't allowed to lie, and she *had*
asked. "They'll retro the real Ranma back through the
timeline causing the merger to flow backwards. Then the
you-that-is-here will merge with the you-that-is-there in
another timeline and you'll become one. You won't be aware
of any of this happening, and Ranma will just be some
martial artist that got engaged to your youngest sister."

 "In this other timeline, are we happier?" Kasumi looked a
little uncertain. What she really wanted to do was have
Ranma call her mother back so they could finish the
conversation they'd had before Akane had disconnected the
line.

 "Uhm, well..." Ranma winced. "Errr... that's kind of a
personal call, i guess."

 Nabiki frowned. As far as she was concerned, that was a no.

 Kasumi frowned. It had sounded like a 'no' to her. The more
she thought on it, though, the more it sounded like a
definitely not.

 "So, what's needed to get this timeline to be like this
mainline you refer to?"

 "Oh, i've got to be engaged to Akane. Can't stand bullies
or any of the rest of the crap she pulls, so i don't know if
i can do that." Grey thought for a moment. "You realize that
it's been forty years subjectively since i saw the original
comics, and that Shampoo having black hair indicates this is
a manga timeline and not the anime."

 Kasumi filed away that their lives had been made into both
a comic book and TV series. She hoped she had gotten some
good lines.

 "Ryouga comes in, challenges me, renewing a long rivalry.
Uhm. There's something about skaters kidnapping Ryouga who
turns into Akane's pet pig through a Jusenkyo curse like
Genma has. Uhm, then Shampoo shows up, trying to kill Ranma.
Later on, Akane gets kidnapped a few times..."

 "HAH!" Akane said, entering the house from the backyard. "I
heard that! Don't discount me, I'm a martial artist, you
know! I'd LIKE to see someone try to kidnap me!" Akane threw
a few midair punches.

 A voice with a vaguely French accent wafted on the breeze.
"Oh, where are you, my little cabbage?"

 Akane shuddered and fled up their stairway. Her door could
be heard slamming, followed by the sounds of furniture being
piled up and moved against the door.

 In the silence that followed, one could clearly hear the
same psuedo-French voice say something that sounded like.
"Ah, she is preparing our love nest! Darling, I love it when
you get so aggressive. Mmmmmm mmmmm mmmmm."

 "AAHHHHHHHHHHH!" The sounds of furniture being tossed
aside, a door opening, someone running down the stairs, and
going THROUGH their front door followed a particularly wet
smooching noise.

 "M'sier Ranma, I fear that Pepe has failed." The French
skunk entered the room, head hung low. "I have not been able
to convince le petit femme to make love not war. Oooo LA
LA!"

 "Pepe, return!"

 Shampoo shrieked as the humanoid skunk launched himself.
Fortunately a beam from a pokeball interrupted Pepe's
attempt to capture an Amazon.

 "Maybe i should've used Growlithe or Taz?"

 "That was an evil thing to do to my sister," said Nabiki
with some amusement and envy. It was better than the thought
of she herself being the target of Pepe's affections.

 "Oh my." Kasumi looked at the sphere Ranma held and
wondered aloud if he had anymore of those.

 "Why sure, Kasumi. Three from a regular Pokemon world, two
from that crossover timeline with Warner Brothers, and four
from a *really* bizarre world." Ranma shrugged. "Or close
enough."

 Shampoo stood up and proudly drew her own pokeball.
"Shampoo show you one Grey Ranma give Shampoo! Ponyta!"

 Again the horse appeared. Kasumi was up and inspecting the
Ponyta before she was even aware she'd gotten up. "Oh how
pretty!"

 Nabiki blinked and considered something. "Uhm, you gave
Shampoo that horse? Why exactly..."

 "i like Shampoo. i was afraid that since this was a dark
manga timeline originally, she'd turn out to be an obsessive
violent moron with no redeeming qualities like in the later
parts of the manga."

 "Shampoo really think she not want this timeline to rejoin
mainline." Shampoo said in a quiet aside to Kasumi. "Nice
girl think about this?"

 Kasumi admired the fire horse briefly and nodded, though
she was just being polite.

 Shampoo took it for something else, however, and smiled.
Just killing the obstacle (Grey) was not an option for
several reasons. For one thing, even if she could find a way
to do it, they might actually replace him with somebody who
was competent. At least that's what she told herself.

 "So what else have you got?" Nabiki said with some
interest. That wasn't greed, after all, it was avarice.
Which was greed with class, of course.

 "Hmmm?" Ranma put three cueballs similar to Shampoo's out
on the table. "Well, i originally had six, which is typical
for Trainers. Ponyta got along really well with Shampoo, so
i went ahead and gave her his pokeball. i hid one in Ukyo's
backpack for her to use. Another one for Sakyo. That leaves
Eevee, Squirtle, and Vulpix."

 Ranma added two slightly different pokeballs. "Tasmanian
Devil and Polecat from the second world."

 Four bracelets were pulled from a pocket to be set upon the
table. Nabiki saw that a single large gemstone adorned each
bracelet and immediately snagged one and examined it with a
jeweler's loupe.

 "These i got from a strange little world that was kind of
like the Pokemon worlds but used *very* different methods
and had very different critters. Personally, i wanted to get
a Beholder but i heard those are hard to control, or a
Pegasus. Instead i got these, and i can't use 'em anyway.
Was going to give 'em to some of the Senshi in the last
world i visited, but they had their hands full with other
stuff."

 "Why can't you use them?" Nabiki asked distractedly while
examining the opalescent black gem.

 "You have to be of the female persuasion," Ranma said with
a shrug. "Only a female body can wear it, and only a female
soul can command it. Which i guess was why these were left
behind when temporal raiders killed the original wielders."

 "Oh, how nice," Kasumi exclaimed, placing the white gemmed
bracer around her right forearm. It softly clicked into
place.

 "What they do?" Shampoo examined the bracer with a blue gem
for a moment before snapping it into place around her own
arm.

 Ranma blinked. "Guys? You're putting them on and you don't
even know what they do?"

 There was a soft click as Nabiki fitted her own into place.
"Hmmm. Where's the latch to get them off?"

 "ALL RIGHT, RANMA!" Akane looked winded, dirty, scraped up,
and thoroughly miffed. "You are going to leave my family
ALONE!"

 Kasumi considered briefly and pressed the gemstone. A cloud
of white smoke poured out in response, forming a vaguely
humanoid figure which moaned like a wind.

 "Air Elemental," Ranma explained. "Oh, and you might want
to try various attacks out. Like, oh, Whirlwind."

 "Whirlwind?" Kasumi blinked.

 The humanoid cloud changed into a funnel which surrounded
Akane and began spinning her around at very high speeds.

 "Oh my." Kasumi was astonished, flabbergasted, slightly
amused. "How do I tell it to stop?"

 The vortex stopped. Akane shot down the hall to crash into
her father, who had been spying for the past fifteen
minutes.

 The smoke elemental moaned again and began changing shape.

 "Uhm, what's it doing?"

 "Ah, Air Elemental is evolving into Sylph," said Ranma with
a nod. "i've heard of this sort of thing but never seen it
myself. Like Bahamut turning into Neo-Bahamut. There are
three stages. Elemental to Sylph to Djinn. I think. Oh
dear."

 This last was directed to Kasumi's twin. Except that her
hair was not bound, nor was she wearing a stitch of
clothing, and she had transparent dragonfly wings extending
from her back. Oh, and her eyes were blue. Solid blue
without pupil or iris. Well, that and her coloration was a
bit off. Sylph made a gentle murmurring noise as she
examined herself and looked pleased.

 Ranma really should have known better, but was still openly
gawking at Sylph. "My goodness, i had no idea that any of
them were that close to evolving. i wonder if your two
bracers are anywhere near ready to evolve? As they were all
worn by people travelling together, they might all be close
to the same level..."

 "Shampoo find out," Shampoo summoned forth her water
elemental and set the animated stick figure to hunt down
Akane for a quick fight. After all, it worked for Sylph,
right?

 "Elements?" Nabiki held her own up. "Blue is water, white
is air, the one still on the table is obviously fire. So
black is earth?"

 Liquid shadow poured out of her gem to form a blob near her
feet.

 "Shadow, actually."

 The sounds of battle briefly occurred somewhere out of
sight, before a ball of water rolled back into the living
room, with a struggling Akane being held in its grip.

 "Ooops, release her," Shampoo commanded. Akane hit the
floor with a splut.

 "Yyyyyooou..." Akane slowly got up. "I'll get you for
this."

 "Shadow, hold her." Nabiki commanded. "Akane, calm down,
we're just playing around with some new toys."

 Akane looked at the warm inky darkness now surrounding her.
"LET ME OUT OF HERE!"

 The darkness crackled and began to expand.

 "Oooo. Shadow is evolving into Nightshade!" Ranma sat back
to watch, trying not to let the etchi qualities of a nude
Kasumi bother him. "Uhm, Kasumi, you can request your
element to be a little less anatomically correct. That way
if you use it in public, there won't be problems from mass
nosebleeds.

 Nabiki looked at her twin, formed of gleaming shadow, whose
arms were stretched like taffy to hold her sister in place,
and began to think of potential uses for such a thing. Her
mind boggled.

 "Shampoo want to try again, mine not evolve!"

 "THIS IS NOT FAIR! LET GO OF ME!" Akane began forcing the
arms away from her. The problem being that they stretched
and then snapped back.

 "Nightshade, return." Nabiki held up the bracer and was
rewarded with the shadowy version of herself flowing into
the gem. "I just *may* be able to find a use for this."

 "Sylph, would you mind returning to the gem?" Kasumi smiled
as her faerie twin merged back into the gem. "Oh how nice."

 "So, like in a computer game, they gain experience and can
then 'evolve' becoming the next Hit Dice or Level of
creature?" Nabiki pondered the stone on the bracer before
finding the hidden latch and taking the magical device off.

 Ranma thought for a moment. When the timeline was fixed and
he left, everything that he'd brought with him into the
timeline that wasn't native would instantly be teleported
with him. Except for healing potions and the like. Or at
least that had happened when he'd done the last job of a
similar nature. "Tell you what, Nabiki. You're getting a lot
more use out of that than i would, and i don't feel right
about staying here without paying you back somehow, so why
don't you keep it for now? Same with you, Kasumi."

 Nabiki's hands clutched the bracer and she blinked. She
could keep this? It was hers? The very thought made her
feel... comfortable. Warm.

 Kasumi smiled as she admired the silver and lapis of her
bracer. It had been *years* since a boy had offered her any
sort of gift. She rather liked this.

 Shampoo shrugged. If they got to keep theirs, she might as
well keep hers.

 Akane saw Kasumi blush, Nabiki looking possessive, and
decided that this had gone on entirely too long. "Whatever
you did to my sisters, you STOP IT!" Akane rushed forward,
intent on stomping this "Ranma" into the ground. NOBODY
could act that clueless and be for real.

 Ranma blinked and scrambled but didn't get away fast enough
as a table was lifted and brought down on his head with
considerable force. There was a cracking noise.

 Shampoo staggered for no immediately discernable reason and
began rubbing her temples.

 Nabiki frowned at the angle the boy's head was lying at.
"Just great, Akane. Just great, you've killed him AGAIN!"

 "Oh my. Akane, it is really not polite to kill guests."

 Akane stared. "He MADE me do it! And honestly, how frail is
he? A mere 35 pound weight being slammed on his head kills
him! What a wimp!"

 The body was consumed by flames. Ranma reformed in the
yard, unfortunately four feet in the air. There was a
startled yelp as he fell into the fishpond.

 Slogging into the foyer, Ranma announced to no one in
particular that he was getting a bath, then into some dry
clothes.

 Behind him, coccooned in a swirling ball of water, Akane
didn't hear.

-----------------

 Ranma sat back, luxuriating in a nice hot soak. He knew the
drill. First you rinse in the cold water, then you lather
up, then you rinse off all the soap still using the cold
shower, then a hot soak in the furo. The Japanese were *big*
on rituals.

 Ranma reflected that this was something he had really
wanted for awhile. Never mind the seriousness and difficulty
of the mission. In American apartments, particularly the
lowrent converted hotel types he had often stayed in, you
had a shower stall and frequent changes of temperature in
the water. As an incubus, he'd had much the same
arrangement. As a cyborg, his sense of touch and
temperatures had been dulled considerably.

 A good relaxing hot soak, feeling the warmth of the water
radiate deep into tired and aching joints, was quite
welcome. A moment of peace and tranquility, where one could
let go of one's worries for that brief respite and just let
that calm enfold you.

 The door slammed open. Ranma half-stood, jumping from sheer
startlement.

 Akane's gaze briefly met his, then travelled downwards and
lingered.

 "AHHHHH!" Ranma dove into the water and tried to cover
himself.

 Akane blinked, realizing what she was doing.

 "YOU PERVERT!" Ranma tried to reach his shirt that had the
pokemon pockets.

 "WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PERVERT!" Akane continued covering
herself with her towel, sparing only a moment to glare at
the boy who had apparently slept with BOTH of sisters. AT
THE SAME TIME! "YOU'RE THE PERVERT!"

 The sound of running feet and the outer door opened. Akane
slowly turned, an expression of looming horror on her face.

 "That's the spirit, Akane! Take the initiative!" Soun began
crying. Why with this sort of thing, the boy would be
begetting heirs off all three of his daughters, and the
family legacy would be assured no matter which one he
married!

 "That's my son! Oh, your mother will be SO PROUD!" Genma
began considering having the wife come by. After all, if
Ranma acted like this, Nodoka's skewed visions of manliness
may well be assuaged even if he WAS a wimp in a fight.

 "Oh my!" Kasumi swept past the fathers and Akane, to look
in at the person trying to spontaneously master the ninja
Art Of Stealth by submerging himself in the tub. "My
goodness, things *do* look bigger underwater."

 "Blub!" As an asthmatic, Grey had learned a few pearl diver
techniques to help build lung capacity. Now that he was
Ranma, he could likely hold his breath a fairly long time.
He was certainly giving it a try.

 "AHHH!" Akane grabbed her gi and attempted to get dressed
and cover herself with a towel simultaneously.

 "Hmmmm," hmmmed Nabiki, wondering if Akane would object to
these photos. Kuno might die from the resulting nosebleed,
though.

 "Is OK if Shampoo scrub Ranma's back?"

 "Oh my. I think he swallowed a lot of water when you did
that, Shampoo."

 "Shampoo didn't mean to grab THERE. Though he better hung
than boys in village."

 "Really? Hmmmm." Nabiki inspected what she could see
through the water. "Judging from what I've observed, he
*might* be pretty well endowed. We'll have to figure out a
way to check that out."

 "Oh my. My my my my my MY."

 "Package for Mister Tendo, sign here please."

 <SHOOM> "Vulpix?! Vulpix!"

 "Oh, these are so cute!" Kasumi reached for the next one.

 <SHOOM> "Eevee! Eeevee! Eee!"

 "Hmmm. That looks interesting, sis. Let me see one!"

 <SHOOM> "Squirtle, squirt!"

 Akane tied her gi top into place and plucked a sphere from
Nabiki's hands. "Watch it, you might let something loose..."

 <SHOOM> "Ah, it is le petit young damsel! You have freed me
so that we may be reunited! Let us go to the Casbah!"

 "AAHHHHHHHHH!" Akane fled. Pepe pursued, the two quickly
began a chase scene that went around the tub and then the
house at a frantic pace.

 "Nobody was at the front door, so I let myself in. Do you
have a few moments to talk about life insurance?"

 "Hi. We're opening a restaurant two blocks away. Flyer
anyone?"

 "Bamboo, get your fresh cut bamboo!"

 "Just think, Saotome, soon the schools will be united!"

 "Vulpix?" The firefox inquired.

 "Eevee!" The fox-squirrel indicated he had no idea what was
going on.

 "Certainly, Tendo! Uhm, what's Kasumi doing with Ranma?"

 "Looks like mouth-to-mouth. Hang on, sis, you're doing it
wrong, let me show you."

 "Nabiki and Kasumi doing it wrong. Shampoo demonstrate!"

 "Squirtle. Squirt." The turtle creature began snickering.
Humans were so silly!

 "Oh, I see, Shampoo. Let me try again."

 Ranma came to, and stiffened as he realized that there was
a tongue in his mouth that didn't belong to him. He fainted.

 Akane ran in, to find an unconscious Ranma molesting
Kasumi! "DIE RANMA!"

 "Ah my petit little flower."

-------------------

 "So, my pokemon is a Vulpix?" Kasumi looked at the little
fox-critter purring in her lap. "What can she do?"

 "Vulpix pix pix!"

 "She's been trained in Ember and Tail Whip, Quick Attack,
Fire Spin and Flamethrower. i didn't realize you couldn't
train a Vulpix in Tackle so i did. i was never able to teach
her Confuse Ray." Ranma looked sadly at the two pokemon he
had just lost. The pokemon seemed happy, the two girls
seemed happy, but it felt like he'd been abandoned again.

 "Eee eevee."

 Nabiki fought to look unaffected and dignified with a
Miyazaki fox-squirrel clone rubbing his cheek against her
stomach from his position on her lap. It was a battle she
was rapidly losing. "Uhm, and, er, heehee, uhm, mine are?"

 "Tackle, Sand Attack, Quick Attack, and Take Down." Ranma
frowned. Well, at least he still had Squirtle! Who was
currently making the acquaintance of the koi in the backyard
pond.

 "Son, what's this about you being engaged to that Amazon
woman?" Soun glared at Ranma threatening to do the
demon-head thing again. Even if it hadn't worked the last
time.

 "Name is Shampoo Jones. American transfer student from Los
Angeles. <Howdy, y'all.>" Shampoo tipped her cowboy hat.
"Ancient American custom state that..."

 "You are NOT American," Genma interrupted, pointing at the
woman. "I recognize you from that Amazon Village!"

 Shampoo frowned momentarily. "Oh well! Ancient Amazon law.
Ranma defeat Shampoo in challenge fight to save stupid
panda. Now Shampoo adopt Ranma into Amazon tribe where he be
brother to Shampoo!"

 Genma paused. "'Brother'?"

 Soun stopped in mid-posturing. "'Brother'?"

 "And if stupid Panda try to sell Shampoo the way he sell
Ranma, Shampoo sell pandaskin rug very very soon." Shampoo
drew a sword from somewhere. "Does stupid Pandaman get
point?"

 "Well, welcome to the family," Soun began crying. "Oh,
joy!"

 Nabiki considered briefly. She considered the Eevee
tickling her tummy and the gemstone bracer currently hidden
by the sleeves of her kimono. How to keep her Reality from
rejoining with another one? "Well then, it's clear who
Ranma's fiancee should be."

 "NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! NO WAY!" Akane snarled at Ranma,
prepared to unleash her wrath.

 "Why thank you, Nabiki," Kasumi said with a deep blush.
"Don't you think we ought to wait a little longer before
Ranma is engaged to me? After all we've just met."

 "Hah?!" Ranma managed intelligently.

 Nabiki thought about just shrugging and letting it go, but
no, what if *that* led to this timeline stabilizing! "NO
WAY. Ranma is *my* fiance!"

 "Hah?!" Ranma managed, going from "Shocked" to "Where The
Heck Did This Come From?"

 "Nabiki? Kasumi?" Akane said after she'd recovered from her
facefault.

 "Oh what a joyous day!" Soun began, tears increasing to
flood level in volume.

 Genma managed to look briefly unhappy as the flood changed
him to panda form, then held up a really big sign [Yay.
Yippeee. My son needs to be retrained in the martial arts
from the ground up, and he's engaged to the two of your
daughters who couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag.
What about the future of Anything Goes?]

 "Indeed, what about it?" Ranma nodded as he assumed a
thoughtful look, still not knowing what was going on, but
yanking Genma's chain was just *too* tempting. "i know! If i
married Nabiki, we would carry on the Anything Goes School
Of Financial Arts! Becoming a force to be reckoned with in
international trade circles!

 "If i were to marry Kasumi, with her skills in cooking we
could go with the Anything Goes School Of Domestic Arts!
Just think of the possibilities."

 Another panda sign was hastily constructed. [I AM. That's
why Ranma must marry Akane! The future of Anything Goes
Martial Arts depends on it!]

 "Oh, I see your point, Saotome." Soun nodded. "Akane and
Ranma are engaged! That is my final word on the matter!"

 "Eeeeeewww," said Ranma.

 "You... you... PERVERT! YOU PLANNED THIS, DIDN'T YOU?!"
<CRUNCH>

 Nabiki and Kasumi winced.

 There was the flare as the dead body of Ranma was consumed,
then reformed. "Well, at least it wouldn't be a long
marriage. i probably wouldn't get through the ceremony
before she killed me, and marriages are only 'until death do
us part.'"

 "Well, you'd still have to consummate it," offered Genma as
a stalling tactic until he could think of a way around that.

 "Eeeeeewwwwwww!" Ranma eeeewwed again. "Nasty!"

 "WHAT?!" Akane exclaimed with a punch to the boy's head. He
blocked, and Akane grabbed the limb and snapped it at the
elbow.

 "I really can't continue to watch him get killed," Nabiki
groaned. "Ranma! At least defend yourself."

 "I'm still alive," groaned Ranma, finally looking up at
Akane. "Okay, Akane. You WANT a fight? You bloody bedamned
have got it!"

 "Think you can take me? BRING IT ON!" Akane took a "ready"
stance. "Try me without the stupid 'substitute fighter'
crap!"

 <snik. VSSSSSHHHHT. VUM>

 Soun and Genma eyed the lightsaber uncertainly. "Errrr."

 "Can't fight without your toys, huh? What a wimp!"

 "i *can* fight without tools, but i'm a *lot* better
fighting in a civilized manner. Swords, guns, and high
energy weapons. Be glad i don't have an ion cannon handy,
you flatchested gorilla!"

 "HA! You're not even man enough to use what you've got!"

 "Oh, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to insult any *gorillas*!"

 Nabiki looked back and forth. "Uhm, time out, people try to
calm down. It's not worth..."

 "OH SHUT UP!" Ranma and Akane chorused, their eyes never
leaving each other. If looks could kill there would have
been two corpses in the room.

 Kasumi winced, having a sudden image of Akane coming apart
in neat little one inch slices.

 Shampoo got a nice seat out of the way, munching a cracker,
having a sudden image of Akane coming apart in neat little
one inch slices.

 Akane moved forward, beginning a spinning back kick.

 Ranma moved forward, the lightsabre swinging over and to
the side in such a manner than most likely would block the
kick, and remove someone's leg at the same time.

 "ENOUGH!" An unfamiliar voice proclaimed.

 Ranma vanished. Akane stumbled through the space her
opponent had occupied a moment ago.

 "Where'd he go?" Akane started looking around. "HAH! The
coward! I knew he couldn't face me!"

 "Jusenkyo," answered the voice of a woman as she slowly
pulled herself out of their television set. "He wasn't being
enough of a Ranma."

=========================

yeah, and originally this was going to be a set of related
omakes at the ends of other stories. Unfortunately,
Skysaber's computer got hacked and he's down, and in order
to write anymore ADA i need feedback from him.
     FBT chapter 13 is going pretty well, but this one just
started going off on its own . (shrugs, bows, sumimasen)

PS: Starch is the name i came up with, if anyone knows a
better name for a Chinese Amazon version of Princess Fatora,
lemmee know. Likewise i'm rewriting AVSB a bit for
fanfiction.net and will be changing Sash's name if someone
knows a better one for an Amazon otaku. (i'm told Sash has
already been used.)



-----------------------------------------
"Shampoo learn many things. Shampoo seek
out new life, and new civilizations, kicking
major butt where no Amazon ever go before!"
-Shampoo, A Very Scary Bet
metroanime@mindspring.com
http://metroanime.home.mindspring.com/




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