"Stiffany" <stiffanie@mail.com> wrote:
*sigh* Finally! Here's the completed WFY chapter 8.
Yay!
Diligently working on chapter 9, but I'm not making any promises...
Well, until you finish, we'll be...
Waiting For You
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
by Stiffanie Flores
Chapter 8
Revelations
Cologne looked up as Shampoo came in her room. "You want to see
Suggest 'came into her room.' (Fewer hentai comments, if nothing else.)
Cologne drew a long puff from her tobacco. "Chueh Wang poison."
Suggest 'from her pipe.' (I presume it's a pipe; 'tobacco' makes me
guess. And hasn't anyone told her that that stuff'll stunt her growth?)
Shampoo pedaled slowly, her thoughts drifting back to the poison Cologne
gave her.
Cologne had given her.
It shouldn't be a difficult decision. After all, what's most important
what was most important
And she was sure that as soon as she got him away from the Violent
tomboy's influence, he'd finally fall in love with Shampoo, and they'd
If you're treating "Violent Tomboy" as a name, then "Tomboy" should be
capitalized as well.
As she neared the Tendo dojo, she spotted Kasumi Tendo sweeping outside
the gatea. "Nihao!" Shampoo called, skidding to a halt beside Kasumi.
What's a gatea?
"Shampoo come to see Husband!"
Kasumi smiled. Ranma's friends were so polite. "Ranma went with Akane
to the mall, Shampoo," she replied. "Can I get you anything?" One
always had to be hospitable when visitors came calling.
Do you really want to do this last-minute shift to Kasumi's POV? All the
rest of the scene is told from Shampoo's viewpoint and the switch seems
quite unnecessary.
Shampoo only smiled. She reached out and ran her fingers along the soft
blue silk. "Yes, Shampoo want this," she said softly. "How much?"
"Tell you what, honey," the woman said, draping the dress over a nearby
chair. "Blue isn't really your color, with your hair and all. Let me
pick you out something more..."
Shampoo shook her head. "No, is fine. Want this one."
"But, ma'am, it's too tight in the chest. Look at...."
"Is PRESENT for someone ELSE, okay?"
"Then, there nothing to worry, great-grandmother," Shampoo said. "When
When used as a name, 'Great-grandmother' should be capitalized.
Shampoo had truly chosen well. Ranma was...special. Like a diamond in
a bag of peanuts, he shone brighter than any of the other stars in the
galaxy.
Ack. Mixed metaphor. Suggest using one image or the other; using both
just confuses things.
Cologne sighed quietly to herself, as she put aside her ink and paper.
It really was too bad, she mused, that Shampoo came too late. By the
Shampoo had come too
Before, it would have been too easy to blame Ranma. Ranma asked him to
Ranma had asked him to
But that was before. Before Akane tried to kill herself, letting Ryouga
realize the huge consequences of his actions that fateful day. And now
he realized that it was Ranma who kept the delicate balance that held
them all together, and without him, everything slowly began to fall
apart...
And now, he had to move on as well. What else was left for him here in
Nerima, when the only people who held him here were lost to him forever?
AKARI: *I'm* left to you, that's what! Me! Hey! Over here! Me! Me!
"I'm very sorry, Akane," Shinnosuke replied quietly. "More than I can
ever say. Ranma - he was a good man." He turned to leave.
"Shinnosuke." Akane's voice stopped him. "Did you know him well?"
He looked at her, shaking his head. "No. I never saw him again after
you left Ryugenzawa. But Akane - " he faltered, unsure what to tell
her. "I - I think he loved you...very much."
"You think so?" she asked softly.
He nodded slightly. "He was a good man," he repeated, not knowing what
else to say.
SHIN: Of course I knew Ranma... he was the old man with the long white
beard, right?
GRAMPS: No! That's ME! Your GRANDFATHER!
If only you loved someone who would love you back, wouldn't there be
less miserable people in the world?
The thought rang through his mind as he soared through the night sky,
flapping his wings, the cool night air brushing against his feathered
body. He dipped low, coming to perch on the windowsill of a
second-floor bedroom, dark except for the sliver of moonlight cast
through the open window.
Nice description here... but is there any reason why Mousse isn't
identified?
It's been three days - she'd come home from the hospital the day before
It had been three days
"What?" Ukyou snapped. "Do you ever give him a chance to explain
before you pound him to the ground? Don't you always protest about your
engagement whenever someone brings it up? Don't you always hit him when
Shampoo's around, or me, or Kodachi?"
"And that spatula hurts, you know! Oh wait, that's me."
"You've just never dealt with death before. I have. That doesn't make
this any easier, though." Akane wrapped her arms tightly around
herself. "Oh god, why does it have to be so hard..."
"Oh, gods, why
or
"Oh, God, why (if you insist on making Akane a Christian)
"She said it was a girl who purchased the blue dress in the shop, only
minutes after Akane-san departed with Saotome Ranma." She paused. "It
was a Chinese girl."
Suggest: was a girl in Chinese clothes." or: was a girl with a Chinese
accent." (I mean, how else could she tell?)
Finally, Akane spoke. "Please don't take it that way, Ryouga-kun," she
said softly. "I've never blamed you for anything."
RYOGA: Really? Not even for being P-chan?
AKANE: You were P-chan? You SCUM! I'll KILL you!!!
And with each gust of wind, the sound of birds chirping in the morning,
the water rippling in the pond... it all comes with a reminder of how
precious life can be. Of the price given for her own life, and of the
promise she'd given to honor the man who'd paid it.
Some nice imagery in this scene.
All in all, I like what's been done here with Akane, and also with
Mousse and Ryoga, though I hope the latter showing up at Ucchan's wasn't
an indication of the future; that sort of
here-are-two-loose-ends-so-let's-put-them-together has been done with
R&U countless times already. You've made a decent attempt at humanizing
Shamps and Cologne, but I'd like to see you go farther.
Looking forward to the next (and last) chapter....
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html