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Ranma 1/2: The Right Words
By Jack Staik
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Ranma Saotome was a lonely twelve-year-old.
He had just been dragged off to China by his father - making
him leave his friend Ryoga (who hadn't shown up to fight him
after three days).
And he did want a friend.
He had begun actively seeking a friend the past few weeks,
but everytime he tried to be friendly, he made a complete
idiot of himself.
Of course, he was in a foreign country, where he didn't
speak the language and didn't know anyone.
He picked up an old bottle from the side of the forest path
and was about to toss it at a bird when his father stopped
him.
"Don't be wasteful, boy! Polish it up and see if we can sell
it for anything!"
Grumbling, Ranma sat down and began polishing the old
bottle, grumbling to himself the whole while.
"Old fart ... didn't wanna come to China ... I *liked*
school ... I miss Ryoga ... I even miss Ucchan ... I miss
having a friend ..."
Ranma's mind was briefly filled with thoughts of friendship,
of times when the constant dull ache of lonliness would fade
away.
And of the times his own mouth had chased a potential friend
away.
"Heck, I wish just once I'd been able to say and do the
right thing to get a friend who'd never go away..."
"Your wish is granted!"
Ranma looked up at the wishing spirit his cleaning of the
bottle had invoked. "So now, I'll be able to get a friend?"
"You'll be able to say and do just the right thing to get a
who will never go away!"
"Oh boy!" he cried. "Who should it be?" he thought.
"What makes you think you'll have a choice?"
"Huh?" Ranma said.
"You never said what friend or when you wanted one," the
spirit said. "So I'll wait, and in my own good time, I'll
allow you to say and do the right thing to get a friend who
will never leave."
"What friend?"
The spirit grinned. "That, Ranma, is a secret."
<poof!>
"Gah!" Ranma grunted. "Oh sure! Great wish! At any moment
some wart covered horror will jump out of the bushes, I'll
say just The Right Thing, and it'll never leave me!" He
moaned. "Or I'll say it just two seconds before I croak!
Just like those stories - wishes screw you up!"
Ranma stomped off, grumbling about bakayarou magic bottles.
A while later, Ranma had chalked up the whole incident to a
daydream. In far less than five years, Ranma had forgotten
it entirely.
But the spirit remembered.
* * * * * * * * *
Ranma and Akane were walking to school when Shampoo leapt
out of nowhere.
"Shampoo take Ranma out on date, yes?" the well-curved
Amazon said, clutching Ranma's back.
"No! Get offa me!"
Akane 'hmph'ed. "Oh, go ahead, Ranma - flirt with your
floozy. I don't mind in the least."
A certain spirit settled upon Ranma, and - thanks to the
power of a certain wish - took over.
"Well, I *DO* mind!" Ranma yelled.
Akane heard a crunching sound.
Akane turned back, and saw Shampoo on her knees, grimacing
in pain. Ranma twisted her wrist, a cold, angry look on his
face.
"I told you to get off of me!" He said, fury in every word.
"Again and again! You never listened! I told you I would
never date you! That I would never marry you! You never
listened!"
"B-but Amazon law -" Shampoo gasped.
"'Amazon Law'?" Ranma sneered. "How about another 'Amazon
Law'?" He released her arm, flinging her away.
"Ai-airen??" Shampoo whimpered.
"How about the Kiss of Death?"
Shampoo looked confused as she held her injured arm close to
her. "You mean - the Kiss Shampoo give Akane?"
"No," he said. "The Kiss of Death that I'm about to give
you."
Shampoo gasped.
"That's right - a pledge to hunt you down across the face of
the world until you're *DEAD*!!"
"Ra-ranma not do that to Shampoo," she stammered.
He took a step toward her.
Shampoo looked into his eyes - then broke and ran.
Ranma snorted and turned away.
"Ranma?" Akane said quietly.
He turned on her, his eyes furious. "Why should I even speak
to *you*, traitor?!?"
Akane cringed. "What do you mean?"
"My 'fiancee'?? Hah! It was *YOUR* job to get rid of her! To
keep her away from me! Just like it was *my* job to keep
guys away from *you*! And you *NEVER DID*!"
"Well," Akane said defensively, "if you weren't flirting
with her -"
"FLIRTING?!?" he roared. "I just broke her wrist! Is that
'flirting'??"
" ... "
"If it is, then you must be flirting with Kuno *EVERY*
*FUCKING* *DAY*!!"
Akane fell onto the pavement, fear on her face.
"I stay with you - even though you treat me like garbage -
even though you treat *kidnappers* nicer than you treat me -
even though you treat a *pig* better than you treat me -
even though you're *SLEEPING* with *DAMN RYOGA HIBIKI*!! All
so that, just *ONCE* you might say something nice - might
treat me like a *friend*!"
Akane looked at the tears running down Ranma's face.
"AND YOU *NEVER* *DID*!!"
Akane was shocked, unable to respond.
"I even hoped once that you would love me, too! Ain't *that*
a crock of shit? But you beat *that* dream out of me *real*
quick!"
<'Love you *too*'???> she wondered.
"So now I let you use me as your personal punching bag, let
you demean, degrade, and humiliate me, just for a little
smile or a 'thank you'! Well, I'VE HAD ENOUGH!! GOOD-BYE!!"
"Ranma - WAIT!!" she yelled as Ranma turned and ran back to
the Tendo home.
Akane ran after him, his words ringing in her mind.
<He - loved me? He wanted me to chase those girls away?? He
thinks I'm sleeping with Ryoga?? Have I really been that
bad??>
Akane made it home, to the sight of the gaping hole where
the front door used to be.
Going in, she saw the unconscious form of Soun Tendo
sprawled at the foot of the stairs. Kasumi stood in the
kitchen doorway, looking shocked. From upstairs, the sound
of conflict.
"You aren't going *anywhere*, boy! You can't get past me!"
"SHISHI HOKODAN!!"
The energy bolt smashed Genma through the top story floor,
into the living room below.
<Shishi Hokodan??> Akane wondered. <But Ranma could never
use that before - he couldn't despair deeply enough.> A
notion hit Akane. <But *I* hurt him enough. Now it comes
easy.>
Ranma hopped down through the hole, wearing his backpack.
"Good riddance!" he snarled, giving the unconscious Genma a
good kick.
"NO! Stop!" Akane wailed.
"Why?? So you can accuse me some more?!? So you can say it's
all my fault?!? Or just so you can hurt me some more?!?"
"No!"
"Why not??" he accused. "You and your *BOYFRIEND* Hibiki
like hurting me!! Isn't that how you two get your jollies??
Thinking up ways to hurt me?!?"
"No!! Ryoga isn't my boyfriend! I don't sleep with him!"
Ranma turned to Kasumi. "Kasumi! Does Akane sleep with
Ryoga?!? Tell the truth!!"
Kasumi looked down at the floor. "D-daddy said not to
mention it."
Akane gasped. Her own *father* thought that?!? "It's not
true!"
"Akane ..." Kasumi said sadly. "Everyone knows about Ryoga's
Jusenkyo curse. The bandana P-Chan wears was rather
obvious."
Akane's eyes got wide. Suddenly, it all clicked into place.
"R-ranma," Akane stammered. "I-I didn't know. I never meant
to hurt you -"
"LIAR!!" he yelled. "You *ENJOY* hurting me!"
"No! It's not true!"
"Why should I believe you?!?"
"Because I love you!"
"So?!? I love you, but you *never* believe me! You never
even *listen* to me!"
"I will! I promise!"
"Like you 'promised' Kasumi that you wouldn't ever hit
anybody in anger?? Or like when you swore in front of the
whole school that you would never marry me?!?"
Akane wasn't even aware that she was crying. "Please! Give
me another chance!"
"I've given you chances again and again!" he bellowed. "And
you use them to hurt me! I won't let you hurt me ever
again!"
Akane felt a dark, empty place open inside her; the place
where Ranma belonged.
<No! I won't lose him! I *can't!>
Akane grabbed a piece of wood from the wreckage of the
living room ceiling and held it to her stomach. "If you
leave me, I'll kill myself!!"
"AKANE-CHAN!!" Kasumi cried.
"Shut up, Kasumi!" Akane yelled. "Stay out of this! You lost
that right when you didn't say anything about P-Chan!"
Kasumi look stung, then stepped back.
Akane looked at Ranma, pleading. "Please. We can work it
out. Everything will be better."
Ranma stared at her. "Yeah, right. Then the next day, you'll
hit me for no reason again, screaming 'Ranma you idiot' as
usual. No thanks!"
"I mean it!" she said. "I want to work things out with you!
But if you go, I'll die!"
"Then why all the hitting and accusing and yelling 'Ranma
Die'?!? You either want me gone or want to keep hurting me!"
Akane felt her soul shrivel inside her. Ranma didn't believe
her. He'd loved her, and now he didn't trust her. She had a
stake to her gut threatening suicide, and Ranma didn't
believe her.
She brought her arms up and shoved the stake.
At that moment, the spirit left.
"NOOOO!!!" he cried, lunging forward, yanking the stake out
of her hands, tearing Akane's jumper across the front.
Akane and Ranma embraced, sobbing.
"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry -" they
babbled in each other's ears, the world around them
forgotten.
Kasumi started cleaning up while Ranma and Akane wept.
* * * * * * * * * *
By the time Soun and Genma recovered consciousness, Ranma
and Akane were long gone.
They spent the day on the roof of a theater miles away,
telling eveything in their souls, every hurt and joy and
pain and delight. They spoke of things that they would speak
of fondly for years, and said things that they would never
say aloud ever again.
The sun set, the moon rose and set, and the sun rose again
before they went home.
* * * * * * * * * *
A spirit returned to his bottle, satisfied.
The wish was fulfilled; at the proper moment, Ranma Saotome
had said and done the right thing, and now he had a friend
who would never leave him.