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-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: mintjulep.txt
[Note to self (and others): I don't own any of these
characters. I am just using them briefly; this time I'll try
not to dent any of them.
This is a dumb idea (in a fic? naww...) that I came up with a
while back, and wrote a little on, then left to the ages...
Well, the ages are now. So, I finished it, fixed two errors,
and decided that, yes, the world IS ready for a skinny
Blofeld... I mean, a drunken Ranma. Enjoy or not. I don't
force ya to read nuthin'.
This fic (and oh-so-many others) can be found at my website
at http://DUNOTS.tripod.com, but this one isn't linked to
yet. Oh well.]
Mint Julep �
[A stupid fic by Forrest "DUNOTS" Walker]
Whapt!! Getting a little tired. Krapakt!! That sort of hurt.
Thwupmt!! Arm is burning. Kraplakto!! Shit!! Getting sloppy.
Hit the wood. Ow. Time to stop for today.
* *
*
As Akane stepped out of the Furo, she sighed deeply,
feeling nicely loose after a relaxing bout of practicing
closed hand techniques on the training post outside.
Unfortunately, she had missed the rope-covered part once and
scraped her knuckle on the rough wood. Apparently it was
bleeding a little. She examined her hand a bit more closely
in the hallway, noting how the leaking blood was being sopped
up by the pair of panties that had just landed on her hand.
Panties? Landed? Happosai.
"Whaaaa! Akane, m'darlin! I must say you look beautiful
in that nice yellow towel! Mind if I take it of your...
hands?" asked a creaky old voice from behind.
Reflexively, she threw a spinning round kick directly to
his melon-like head. "Darn perverts," Akane muttered under
her breath as she proceeded into her room.
* *
*
Genma walked into the hallway just in time see a small
man careening about the hallway like a pinball. As Genma
began to scream in horror, he caught a faceful of crusty
Haposai. He muttered some vague obscenities as he peeled the
foreign wrinkeled flesh off his own. Scowling, he put his arm
out the window and let Happosai plunk to the ground.
* *
*
Ranma was a bit surprised when a small mushy sack of
lechery fell atop his head. "Aww, geez! You again? I thought
I got ridda you! What're you doin' back?"
"Ranma, m'boy, how's it goin?" he asked in his least
raspy voice.
"Answer the question, you lecherous jerk!"
"Okay, okay," pleaded a pathetic Happosai, "I was just
back arranging a training trip with you and your father. Mr.
Tendo, too! Whaddaya say? C'mon, Ranma, you're my favorite
pupil!"
As the little creep pulled out a flask of icy water,
Ranma chucked him over the wall, screaming, "No, no, and NO!!
I don't go nowhere with lecherous old bags like you!!"
Disturbed by what had just happened, Ranma wandered into
the dining room, collapsing next to the table. He
unconciously picked up the drink on the table and finished it
off. It tasted a little minty, but with a sort of burning
flavor. It was kind of good.
* *
*
"Hey, Ranma! We're going now, so don't you make any
trouble, you got that, boy?" Hollered the familiar gruff
voice of his father from the gate.
"Take good care of my daughters, Ranma? Got that?!!!?
RIGHT!!??!!" said Soan Tendo, giant tongue waving out of his
huge blue face.
Ranma gave a start and crouched down obsequiously, "Y-
yes, sir, Mr. Tendo!"
"Hmph," Soan breathed as he and his best friend walked
down the road to find their far-off mentor.
* *
*
For about a minute, Ranma sat, letting the breeze pass
over his face, moving his hair slowly. Suddenly, he jumped
into the pond and back again, this time enjoying the summer
sunset a little more.
"Hello, Ranma. What are you doing here? I thought you
were going to train with your Father," asked Kasumi sweetly
from the doorway.
"Ugh, yeah, right," scoffed Ranma, looking at Kasumi's
loving face, smiling and at just a bit of an angle, "Oh, hey!
I was just drinking some of this stuff. What was it?"
Picking up the white cup, Kasumi looked inside and said
politely, "why, that was a mint julep. Would you like
another?"
"Yeah, guess so. 'S pretty good, I guess. Kinda
relaxing."
Kasumi nodded slightly and glided smoothly into the
kitchen.
* *
*
Nabiki slipped her left shoe on, thus completing her
ensemble for her business venture tonight. She stood quickly,
smoothing her black skited and straightening her black
jacket. Forcefully and a bit proud, Nabiki ambled into the
dining room hoping to find someone to relay her mesage to.
"Ah, hello Ranma. I'm going out tonight. Play nice now."
she cooed at the redhead sitting with her back to the wall.
"Yeh, okay Nabiki."
"Good god, are you drinking?" she sniffed, "that's mint
julep! Well, I guess it's none of my business," she said
slyly, picking up a full glass off the table and strolling
outside.
* *
*
"Hey Ranma, what do you want to do tonight?" asked Akane
at the person around the corner in the dining room.
The only response she got was, "vwwahhh??"
Turning the corner, Akane saw something she genuinely
did not expect. She had seen Ranma in nearly every situation,
but never like this. Never leaning against a wall with tired
eyes and an almost evil grin.
"Ranma, are... are you alright?" asked Akane with
genuine concern, "Wh.. where's Kasumi?"
"Oh. She went to go get some... whaddya call it... mint.
It's just you'n me, Akane," said Ranma as she slowly crawled
toward Akane on hands and knees.
"Um, what have you been doing in here?" asked Akane,
edging away from her fianc�e.
"No, no, I'm okay. Don't worry about me, I'm okay. I'm
always okay. No one ever cares about me. No one ever thinks I
have any feeling DON'T I MATTER?!?" stated Ranma as she began
to sob, reaching for Akane.
Akane, taken aback by this sudden event could do nothing
but cradle the crying girl in her arms, wondering what was
going on. As Ranma continued to whimper, Akane suddenly felt
a sort of sympathy for Ranma, for all the terrible things he
had gone through over the years. Maybe she was a little too
harsh in her chidings. If this outburst was any indication,
Ranma cared a lot more than he let on. He was vulnerable.
Beneath it all, he was a person, a real, caring, hurting
person. For a moment, Akane didn't mind comforting Ranma.
"A.. Akane?" said Ranma weakly, snapping Akane out of
her reverie, "I... just wanted to... thanks. I needed that.
You, you're so nice, really. I mean, I always say you're
uncute and all, but, it's like, I'm having a bad day, but
you'll be at home, you know? I... don't let me... don't..."
Akane could see that Ranma was looking into her eyes
intently, almost with a glazed look, but not quite. It wasn't
pathetic, but it seemed like a sort of weakness. Ranma was
baring something to Akane, but she didn't know what. Or why.
"I, um, it's okay, Ranma. I'm here," it seemed like the
right thing to say.
Ranma wrapped her arms more tightly around the somewhat
taller girl comforting her and sighed deeply, "Akane, you
know what?"
"Wh-what Ranma?"
"You feel so soft..."
Was she calling her fat? "Are you calling me..."
Ranma continued, unfazed, "so nice... Mmm... I'd stay
here forever, I think."
Torn between the urges to destroy Ranma for snuggling
into her and to go into shock from receiving a wholehearted
compliment from Ranma, Akane froze, utterly baffled as the
slight female in her arms began to sob again.
"Huh, wha?" woke Akane from her daze, "What's wrong,
Ranma? Are you, are you okay?"
"Yeh... sfft... it's just... it's just that... I mean
it's so beautiful! So goddam beautiful! All this time, we,
like, we fight and all, so this... we won't ever do this,
y'know? I... I love how this is... I..."
Akane, barely able to stop from crying herself, was only
able to edge out, "R-Ranma?..."
"Akane, you, you just gotta... I have to.... I... It's
prob'ly... I dunno why I'm like this..."
Akane asked, a little more awake, "Wh... why?"
Ranma answered thoughtlessly, "Well, Guess I was
drinkin' those... whadda... mint joolips? Yeh. Well, I was
sayin'... Akane, I... l..."
She was promptly interrupted when Akane snapped to her
feet, throwing Ranma to the ground. Akane promptly shouted,
"what?!? You moron! You're drunk!!! You're just tr..." but
she trailed off because she looked down.
There was a broken Ranma, laying in a crumpled girl-type
heap, crying, and looking into Akane's eyes with fear.
Terror. Terror on its way to hate.
"Akane..." whimpered Ranma feebly, "I'm sorry... I...
I... didn't..." then paused, growing more pathetic, "why do
you hate me..."
Something in Akane's mind snapped. "No! No, I don't hate
you! I... Ranma..." As Ranma began to compose herself a bit,
Akane ran into the kitchen, going straight for the stove.
Somewhat wet, Ranma grimaced as he felt the familiar but
still disorienting wrenching as he became male again. He also
noticed that he was thinking a little straighter. Not too
much, but enough. Enough to realize.
"Crap!! Goddam crap!! I can't believe I... Aaargh!!!"
howled Ranma, holding his head in both hands, "Man, do I feel
stupid!"
As he began to down another mint julep, he felt a tap on
his shoulder.
"Um, Ranma?" came a familiar voice.
He winced as he turned to face Akane, waiting for his
pummeling. He had done something stupid.
"Why are you drinking?" she asked, entirely too
politely.
"Huh? Whaddaya mean?"
"You do know that mint juleps are alcohol, don't you?"
Apparently, his life with Genma had not taught him
everything.
"What? Oh no! No! That's why I... I..." he trailed off,
beginning to feel the effects of the last couple of glasses.
"It's okay, Ranma. I don't... blame you. It's alright,"
consoled Akane, apparently with some effort as she knelt down
next to him.
All inebriation aside, Ranma realized that this was some
odd behavior on Akane's part. Oh. Here comes that last glass.
Maybe this wasn't all bad. If this kept up, maybe he could
get some. HUH? What was he thinking?!? The liquor really was
getting to him.
"Ranma?" asked the woman staring into his eyes, putting
her hand on his.
Holding her hand a little tighter and slowly moving
forward, he said softly, "Akane, I... I've always..." he was
definitely drunk again.
Akane didn't dare breathe until he finished his
sentence.
"I've always... thought you were so goddam hot."
What?? Akane froze.
"Shampoo and them look nice and all, but you're so good
lookin'! It's like, you got that boyish thing,"
Oh really?!? Akane unfroze, preparing to orbit punch.
"But I, I kinda like it. Iuknow, It just sorta seems...
cute."
Re-frozen. While she considered, Ranma looked up at the
unmoving fist before him and dodged. To the floor.
THUD!
Akane leaned over him, checking to see if he was
unharmed as usual. He seemed to be unconscious. Thinking back
on the popular procedure for unconsciousness, she retrieved a
bucket of water.
Poor guy. He has to take a lot of crap, especially from
his father.
"And... me," Akane whispered to herself as she poured
the water over him.
Getting up, Ranma sputtered a bit, but settled back down
again. Cold water always did the trick.
"Phhfddaddahuh? Whah?" asked a somewhat stuporous
Ranma, hopping to her feet, then slowly lowering back down to
a sit.
"Ranma, are you sure you're not hurt?" pleaded Akane.
"Nah, cuz I was hurt, I'd be bleedin'," She answered
nonchalantly, "And I don't see no blood."
Akane blinked, somehow unable to dispute the logic...
"Oh." Suddenly, she remembered the train of thought they had
been on before.
"Ranma, do you actually think I'm cute?"
Ranma looked at Akane as though she had just asked the
world's dumbest question. "Well, duh, Akane... Hey, do you
think I'm cute?"
"Well, I guess I do, Ranma..." Akane trailed off into
one of those moments that happen far too rarely.
Ranma smiled and commented, "Cool. Hey, I gotta pee."
Akane facefaulted as the moment shattered. Ranma,
somehow unaware of Akane's reaction, stumbled off to the
bathroom.
* *
*
Twenty minutes later, Akane began to get worried about
Ranma, as she had yet to return from the bathroom. She made
her way to the bathroom, genuinely concerned. Ranma wasn't
there.
Akane looked around for several minutes and into several
rooms, including Ranma's, before she entered her own. There,
on Akane's bed, was Ranma, passed out and with a note in her
hand. As Akane could see "TO AKANE" written at the top
(poorly), she took the liberty of removing it from Ranma's
grasp and reading it. {Author's note: I found it funny to
imagine Akane/drunken Ranma-chan reading this in a VO. I
strongly suggest it.}
"TO AKANE: When I call you a tomboy, I am being mean.
Then you hit me. I think I don't want you to hit me. That
hurts and I don't like it. I like you. Don't get mad at me
again, ok? You should get mad at Kuno, because he is stupid
and I hate him. He tries to feel me up, but that's gross. I'm
a guy so he's gay. I think you're hot, and I'm a girl now, so
am I gay? If you think I'm hot as a girl, it would be cool. I
think I'm gonna fall asleep. I lo... [Scribbling trailing
off]"
Akane folded up the note and put it in her pocket. She
reminded herself not to let Nabiki come across it. Exhausted,
mostly emotionally, by the evening's events, Akane left Ranma
where she was. Careful to close the door behind her, Akane
stepped to Kasumi's room, deciding that Kasumi wouldn't mind
if Akane took a nap on her bed.
* *
*
"Oh dear," Kasumi said, upon seeing Ranma in Akane's
room, "I wonder what he's doing there?"
"Oh dear," Kasumi repeated, upon seeing Akane in
Kasumi's own room, "I suppose I'll just let them sleep."
* *
*
[Author's note: That's it. There's no more. The scene
change went nowhere. Now you have to use your OWN imagination
like a good little author, because I don't wanna use mine no
more.
So what does the community think? Funny? Stupid?
Revilable? (The spelling checker thinks that word should be
"revisable." That may be an omen...) Well, If you have
comments, criticisms, or just want to e-mail me
(pleasepleasepleasepleaseidontevergetanyemailsoifyoudontemail
meiwillfeelbadandcrydoyouwantmetocrywellthen) at
Big_Joe@n2.com. And if you want to MST this... Please do! I
know it's damn well got enough faults! I wanna at least laugh
at em!
-That crazy DUNOTS]
TOGGG!